Undateable and tired of it.

[pricillia]

SpecialK:love:

 

good for you special K... brings me back to the cereal... LOL

[Mary3]

The other posters need to kindly realize this is a mental illness that OP is suffering. Very serious and can lead to suicidal thoughts or more.

 

OP needs therapy or whatever it takes and a very good warm supporting friend who can help cheer him on and let him know he is a good looking .

 

I don't know the duration of this illness and when you might be cured but keep us posted . I wish you could look into the mirror and see the most handsome guy looks back at you.

[pricillia]

The other posters need to kindly realize this is a mental illness that OP is suffering. Very serious and can lead to suicidal thoughts or more.

 

OP needs therapy or whatever it takes and a very good warm supporting friend who can help cheer him on and let him know he is a good looking .

 

I don't know the duration of this illness and when you might be cured but keep us posted . I wish you could look into the mirror and see the most handsome guy looks back at you.

 

 

I think everyone has been kind here, we may not all understand the illness to what ever degree OP has it, however from where I sit he is adorable and I still stand by what I said.

[deaconblues]

I had CBT today...I usually go on Saturdays...it helps for a while...you have to understand that I shift dramatically...going to work has never been a problem for me (some BDDers are housebound, others cannot do jobs but can carry on marginal social lives). For me, I can work towards anything, I have even been able to carry on a decent career as a professional musician for the past 10 years (aside from my day job), with little complications. It is social situations that I am totally screwed. I have trouble looking people in the eye because of a total lack of confidence.

 

At work, I can be chipper...I can even almost be happy in my own skin. My attacks usually come at about 5:30 - 6:30 PM and can last all night, or sometimes a half an hour. But I have to avoid triggers...mirrors, reflective windows, cameras, photos...etc. It's hard to be the one in the family that hesitates and sometimes refuses to be photographed because he thinks it will ruin someone else's picture. My doctor says I am not seeing the real me...that I am projecting some kind of trauma on to my image, and since my image isn't static, I am constantly in search of some kind of pre-set answer for attractiveness. Sometimes I despise feedback, other times I crave it. It's very chaotic and upsetting. And worst of all, it's hard to admit to people because I come across as vain. But it isn't vanity...I swear...i would be happy with how I look if I could just get a definitive answer on it, and could rely on my own perception. The other problem is that I am not sold on the disease...could it be that I have it, or am I just ugly? Second, I need people's opinions but can't trust them at the same time because my mind fools me into thinking they are just being kind...this is called the "I must be repulsive" response, because in the eyes of someone afflicted, everyone else is just being charitable.

 

It's a very tough thing to live with. It makes me bombastic and self-destructive. People with BDD engaging in cutting is pretty common...luckily I can't stand the sight of blood.

[Mary3]

I had CBT today...I usually go on Saturdays...it helps for a while...you have to understand that I shift dramatically...going to work has never been a problem for me (some BDDers are housebound, others cannot do jobs but can carry on marginal social lives). For me, I can work towards anything, I have even been able to carry on a decent career as a professional musician for the past 10 years (aside from my day job), with little complications. It is social situations that I am totally screwed. I have trouble looking people in the eye because of a total lack of confidence.

 

At work, I can be chipper...I can even almost be happy in my own skin. My attacks usually come at about 5:30 - 6:30 PM and can last all night, or sometimes a half an hour. But I have to avoid triggers...mirrors, reflective windows, cameras, photos...etc. It's hard to be the one in the family that hesitates and sometimes refuses to be photographed because he thinks it will ruin someone else's picture. My doctor says I am not seeing the real me...that I am projecting some kind of trauma on to my image, and since my image isn't static, I am constantly in search of some kind of pre-set answer for attractiveness. Sometimes I despise feedback, other times I crave it. It's very chaotic and upsetting. And worst of all, it's hard to admit to people because I come across as vain. But it isn't vanity...I swear...i would be happy with how I look if I could just get a definitive answer on it, and could rely on my own perception. The other problem is that I am not sold on the disease...could it be that I have it, or am I just ugly? Second, I need people's opinions but can't trust them at the same time because my mind fools me into thinking they are just being kind...this is called the "I must be repulsive" response, because in the eyes of someone afflicted, everyone else is just being charitable.

 

It's a very tough thing to live with. It makes me bombastic and self-destructive. People with BDD engaging in cutting is pretty common...luckily I can't stand the sight of blood.

 

I have a few ideas. First take a full face photo and look to see proportion. Most attractive faces have balance . The eye ratio, the nose to lip ratio. . usually equal one inch.Also I would take a photo shot of yourself with 3 other people. Determine who is the most attractive and why ? Compare yourself to your friends and force your mind to realize that handsome guy in the picture is YOU

[lindya]

I am afraid that I am in the percentage of people who will never, ever be able to find love because of physical flaws that I may or may not have. First of all, I am short. I have been told many times that women don't like short men. I don't know if it's true, but I am beginning to believe it more and more...

 

A lot of people end up being very happy in relationships with others who don't meet even 50% of the "what I think I want in a partner" checklist. Plenty of others end up wondering why they aren't happy with a partner who, on the face of it, seems to meet everything on their list.

 

The more preoccupied you become with the idea that "women don't like short men", the more you'll start unconsciously looking for - and finding - evidence backing this theory up. I've met short men who are very successful with women, and short men who aren't. Same thing with tall men. The successful ones, whatever their height, tend to have an air of being comfortable with the way they look and with who they are, but it sounds as though you're far removed from that comfortable state right now.

 

I feel for you that you've been told many times that women don't like short men. In what context do people say things like that to you, and how do you respond? Are there ever times you actively seek people's opinions on this subject, or asked them leading questions that are liable to elicit answers confirming your fears (ie that women don't like short men)?

 

Looking at the prospect of a lifetime alone is awfully hard for me, but so is going out and meeting people. I just believe that I am so physically flawed that people will dismiss me, and I honestly believe that I am just not good enough as a person to meet the standard of relationship material.

 

Are media-portrayed standards (by which I mean films, tv adverts - and, indeed, this board) your reference point for deciding what constitutes suitable relationship material? If so, remember that hardly anyone meets a majority of those standards. Including, often especially, those who insist that "this is the standard, this is what I demand in a partner."

 

I am reaching the end of my rope. One time a friend told me "you can always just pay for sex", but I don't want to do that. It isn't even about sex. It's about living this same life every day until my dying days...sitting in my apartment alone and working or playing the piano long hours to distract myself from feelings of worthlessness. I am just so exhausted from depression, and just so, so sad...

 

You mentioned getting CBT, but you're not sure whether it'll work for you. When you're learning a new piece of music, do you ever find that there are particular bars that you always seem to make mistakes in? The more you think "here comes the difficult part - I'm not going to make a mistake this time" the more the mistakes happen. That's an an example of how negative scripts and negative thinking affect your performance. CBT is partly about recognising and changing those scripts in order to break out of the cycle of failure. Also, making a conscious decision not to absorb other people's negative thoughts and scripts - however much they might urge you to buy into them.

 

PS I just saw your pic. You're a good looking guy, and you're taller than the majority of women are when they're not wearing heels. Whatever's holding you back in life, it looks as though it's psychological rather than physical.

[justagirlforever]

I think most people here are missing something. And I don't mean that in a nasty way - but I'm quite sure that none of them who've just told you to go out and date had to deal with and ED & CBT for 10 years.

Your problems are not going to be solved by going out and trying to start a relationship. How can you start working on a relationship when you haven't even resolved your own deep issues? And an Eating Disorder that's been battled for 10 years whilst in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a pretty big thing that's probably dominated most of your life so far?

I'm not saying "put life on hold until you've sorted yourself" - because as I'm sure you know, the process takes years. But you're not going to able to give of yourself whilst you're not sure what you're even willing and able to give. The CTB will help you with that - but only if you absolutely want to help yourself. Keep trying and find a different therapist and a different type of therapy if you feel it's not quite having the desired effect. Read books and do what it takes until something starts to make sense. It takes time to break a life-pattern.

 

As I said in my other post to you in the "Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being " section,

 

I can understand much of what you are possibly dealing with - even if not in the same way.

I too battled and ED for (gosh, it's a long time) more or less 20 years. So I won't go into how it more or less ruined my life for myself and those around me during this time. How I lived in a little world of my own in isolation for so long - shutting myself out from everything around me and. Including any contact with men. I didn't even kiss a guy until I was 27 - never mind date!

 

It took me a long time (years) and an immense inner strength to fight against that which held me for so long. But it also took many visits to the doctors, medication (for the ED and depression) and therapy. During these years I kept journals. And now reading back I simply cannot believe that that was me. The deep darkness and isolation was incredible. The eternal deep tiredness above all. So much so that I can hardly identify with that person that was me for so long. But it's been roughly 6 years since then and I've come a long long way. I don't think I'll ever ever be free of that. Much I guess as an ex alcoholic or anyone who's had an additcion. I still need to (subconciously) watch myself and know my triggers to not go down certain routes.

 

So can you. If you absolutely honestly want to. But you cannot do it on your own and you must seek professional help. Don't give up. Don't resign yourself to a life of isolation.

Once you're working on your inner self, the superficial hight issue (and I' not belittling what you feel by saying this) will become far less of an issue.

You cannot find what you're looking for through someone else. You cannot start a relationship with the hope of it working without first working on yourself. Because if you are so vulnerable, and if it fails, it will only throw you in deeper into your battles.

The only way to move into life, is to accept yourself for who you are. And learn to love yourself.

 

Best of luck.

[justagirlforever]

luvmy2ns, of course I totally agree a little boost of self-esteem would go a long way. I neglected to say that my ex was 5'7 (I'm 5'6) - and height had diddly squat to do with his attractiveness for me. It was all about the confidence and radiance he exuded.

I just wanted to jump in with a reality check in the ocean of wonderful esteem boosters - I'm honestly not a negative person and don't want to appear all doom and gloom. But I also just wanted to point out the obvious so that it doesn't lead to potential further failure and thoughts of "how did this go wrong again"? I wanted to give a point of view from someone who's been there - and also didn't even kiss someone of the opposite sex until I was 27. And how I've turned my life around.

That's all

[SydneyHeart]

Are you just totally fishing for compliments? Not the clearest pic - but come on! You are obviously good looking.

 

I want to know why you are so desperately lonely - do you not have any FRIENDS at all? I would focus on making some friends, and if a special one shows up some time, bonus. Meantime you have people to talk with and do stuff with that are definately not judging you on the size of your forehead or anything else

 

I have been out with a couple of 5'7" guys too (I am 5'6") - at the end of the day its the person, not the physical attributes that makes you stay or leave. Would you go out with an obese woman? Do YOU judge people by their appearances yourself?

 

Just a few thoughts for you to consider.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

I agree with some of these posts. I myself have a hard time meeting women. I'm about 135lbs, goodlooking and friendly. Yet I get rejected near 90% of the time, even from women who give me every signal in the world. Women like to feel desired, even if they reject you they feed off of the attention you gave them. You see women have it easy, they get to window shop for thier choice of mate. They endure no humiliation or dents to thier ego when any guy approaches them. Even if hes a hidious freak, the woman who just turned him down gains a boost to her ego for being desirable.

 

This is why I agree with the poster that said make rejection fun. I had to learn this secret late in life. I have a few friends that never seemed to have a problem getting dates. This would drive me nuts because I never understood how they did it. Until I found out that I was only seeing the end result after countless rejections. You see, they heard NO so many times that thier armor was built up to withstand anything a woman could throw at them. That in a sense is fun, and I'm learning to enjoy it slowly. You need to hear No and be rejected to the point where it becomes nothing to you, simply an obsticle on your way to the next encounter.

 

It may seem cynical I know, but what choice do we men have when we are forced to endure all the pain, humiliation, and heartache that is involved with making the first move? I won't get into a sociolical debate about this, but women want total equality in life yet refuse to step up to the plate when it comes to equality in the dating game. I know alot of women on this message board will say they ask guys out alot.....to be sincerly honest thats bull****, I never had a woman approach me for a date. Sure they drop signals and maybe give you hints to ask them out, but NEVER do they come right out and ask, nor have I known anyone to be asked out by a woman.

 

Its all on you man, This is why you need to have fun with rejection. I learned this secret recently myself, and since have asked out 2 girls, one was already involved and the other gave me a flat NO. But, I walked away smiling, ready for the next challenge. It wasn't easy I won't lie to you, but you need to endure the nervousness of first asking, then brace yourself and be prepared for the rejection. You'll find that after time it gets easier. Thats all it is, and this is also the reason you see so many "*******s" with great girls. They were'nt *******s when they started this game, they became *******s after they just gave up caring about rejection. So the next time you see some arrogant jerk with a girl he doen'st deserve, be kind, he probably had to go through alot of NO's and nights alone before he was forced to just stop caring.

 

Sometimes the truth is a hard pill to swallow, goodluck my friend.

[deaconblues]

Are you just totally fishing for compliments? Not the clearest pic - but come on! You are obviously good looking.

 

I want to know why you are so desperately lonely - do you not have any FRIENDS at all? I would focus on making some friends, and if a special one shows up some time, bonus. Meantime you have people to talk with and do stuff with that are definitely not judging you on the size of your forehead or anything else

 

I have been out with a couple of 5'7" guys too (I am 5'6") - at the end of the day its the person, not the physical attributes that makes you stay or leave. Would you go out with an obese woman? Do YOU judge people by their appearances yourself?

 

Just a few thoughts for you to consider.

 

Good luck.

 

First of all, I would date an obese woman - I would date any woman. I don't judge people on their exterior like I do myself...just part of the symptoms I guess. I have a very good memory and constantly replay moments in my head where I was made to feel less than human, and then critique them and try and find out the root of their meanings, their context, and where to place them in the diaspora of my identity. I would never want to deliver these types of ambiguous comments to another person, because I know how long one can spend fretting over them and trying to dicipher/analyze them. I am still trying to figure out the intentions and implications of some statements that are 20 years old. If I could go back and ask these people (mostly classmates) what they meant by those statements, maybe it would help, but I can't find any of these people...they are long out of my life.

 

You know how when you interpret a work of literature, a piece of artwork or sample of music, looking for a theme beneath the text/notes/paint? I do that with life. A lot. I am constantly in search of some driving theme beneath the totality of events and circumstances in my life, and unfortunately the only theme I can come to is that I am somehow inadequate. 95% of the time I force it upon my appearance, looking for flaws to confirm what I assume to be grounds for my sadness. And my methods are mostly subtractive - no matter how simple or benign, I search through statements and comments of others looking to get past the obfusction and make it fit to my own poor self image.

 

I do not have any friends. I am not able to approach people because I am afraid that I have so much to be ashamed about that the only response I will get is pity. I am tired of that feeling. The only reason why I posted a pic is because online forum medium provides a healthy enough buffer zone so that when my worst fears are truly confirmed, I can at least try to detach myself from it in the moment it it happens. True, it will result in complex overanalysis (something I do quite often): hours spent disecting moments and trying to find hidden meanings and subtextual implications in direct statements, ect. But at least the online forum medium may soften the blow a little.

 

My doctor wants me to try and smile at a random person...an excercise I guess...I am kind of afraid of that...I generally hold my head down and avoid eye contact because I hate feeling like something to be observed or laughed at.

[fray718]

ok um looking at your pic, I'd totally date you! You're cute! I've dated guys from 5'5 to 6'4....so height doesnt mean anything at all for me. Where do you live at? If you live close by, we are totally going out on a date .

 

P.S. Just in case you're wondering, I'm short and cute myself

[Mary3]

ok um looking at your pic, I'd totally date you! You're cute! I've dated guys from 5'5 to 6'4....so height doesnt mean anything at all for me. Where do you live at? If you live close by, we are totally going out on a date .

 

P.S. Just in case you're wondering, I'm short and cute myself

 

If you don't go out with him , I will ~!