How far have you come?

[boshemia]

The people who know me now tell me that I need to work on my self-esteem, and I don't disagree with them... but it's hard for someone who didn't know me fifteen years ago, or ten, or even five to truly understand how far I have come on this path... I haven't "arrived" yet by any means... but I've worked hard to get here, and I'm proud of the accomplishment even though it may be hard for other people to see...

 

I've come so far...

I can actually take a compliment without making an excuse, just a polite thank you.

I can not only see my strengths now, but I can appreciate them, I can even appreciate my weakness now instead of hating myself for them.

I don't berate myself for every single little mistake, I've developed a firm belief that mistakes are there to learn from...

I can take responsibility for my own actions, and I can actually let other people take responsibility for theirs... instead of the other way around.

I actually like being me, I wouldn't have it any other way...

 

So how far have YOU come?

[dropdeadlegs]

The people who know me now tell me that I need to work on my self-esteem, and I don't disagree with them... but it's hard for someone who didn't know me fifteen years ago, or ten, or even five to truly understand how far I have come on this path... I haven't "arrived" yet by any means... but I've worked hard to get here, and I'm proud of the accomplishment even though it may be hard for other people to see...

 

I've come so far...

I can actually take a compliment without making an excuse, just a polite thank you.

I can not only see my strengths now, but I can appreciate them, I can even appreciate my weakness now instead of hating myself for them.

I don't berate myself for every single little mistake, I've developed a firm belief that mistakes are there to learn from...

I can take responsibility for my own actions, and I can actually let other people take responsibility for theirs... instead of the other way around.

I actually like being me, I wouldn't have it any other way...

 

So how far have YOU come?

I haven't "arrived" yet, either, but that's quite a checklist you have written. I recognize all of your points in my struggle to gain self esteem. I've come a long way, baby! I can add a few of my own personal gains if you don't mind. You might identify, too. Some are manifests of those you have stated, yet unique in their own way.

 

When I look in the mirror, I see beauty in the reflection back at me instead of flaws.

When I'm told I'm a good mother, I can agree, even though I am not perfect.

I know that I am worthy of love and a healthy relationship, instead of willing to settle for any affection that is tossed my way.

I can have an opinion that differs from others and still agree to disagree.

I can face a parent/teacher conference without feeling I am being sent to the principals office for misbehavior.

 

Those are what came to mind easily, but given more thought I could come up with more.

 

Congrats, boshemia. You deserve kudos. Self esteem is something we don't all come by naturally for different reasons, but it is so powerful to gain even a bit.

 

More power to you! And me, too.

[Storyrider]

In general, I'm regressing.

 

But on self esteem, I'm slowly learning with age to be less obsessed with what other people think and expect.

 

Congrats on your accomplishments in this, B.

[AHIWON]

I accept myself for who I am.

I don't care if other people don't like me.

I am proud of many of the things I have accomplished so far in my life. (not so for others, learn from those)

I don't need anyone else to make me happy.

I love myself again. I haven't in years.

[Guest]

Do we ever really "arrive?" I am a continuous work in progress. I don't know if I can really list the things I have done but I know I have changed alot in the last six years. There have been a couple of steps backward but the way I deal with them now is...almost healthy.

 

Why are we all so effed up? I blame the fast food companies! Or El Nino.

[Starry-eyed]

The people who know me now tell me that I need to work on my self-esteem, and I don't disagree with them... but it's hard for someone who didn't know me fifteen years ago, or ten, or even five to truly understand how far I have come on this path... I haven't "arrived" yet by any means... but I've worked hard to get here, and I'm proud of the accomplishment even though it may be hard for other people to see...

 

I've come so far...

I can actually take a compliment without making an excuse, just a polite thank you.

I can not only see my strengths now, but I can appreciate them, I can even appreciate my weakness now instead of hating myself for them.

I don't berate myself for every single little mistake, I've developed a firm belief that mistakes are there to learn from...

I can take responsibility for my own actions, and I can actually let other people take responsibility for theirs... instead of the other way around.

I actually like being me, I wouldn't have it any other way...

 

So how far have YOU come?

 

 

Wow, I like your post, boshemia. You HAVE come a long way. I am making progress. Like you said, I've got much more self-esteem and self-love than I did 20 years ago and in high school (which was slightly over 20 years ago). Although, currently I am kind of regressing a little bit and battling feeling worthy of the attentions of a man I really super like.

 

But, how far have I come? Maybe, deep inside, not as far as I thought, at least right now. I'm in counseling to try to improve my core beliefs about myself. I have moments when I feel confident and positive and like I really am OK. Then times I feel insecure and like nothing will work out for me the way I want. But, I know that second line of thinking is false and not true. It's just hard to erase it from deep inside.

 

These posts are inspiring to me. DDL, just from reading your other posts, I would never guess that you don't have 100% self-esteem, so that is kinda cool, I mean, not that you feel insecure sometimes, but just, sometimes people that seem to be all together and totally with it have problems, too.

[boshemia]

High School was the worst as far as self-esteem goes, so much focus on what everybody else thinks... and not enough focus on just thinking for yourself.

[Teacher's Pet]

So how far have YOU come?

 

 

When I was in high school, I thought I'd NEVER have any luck with women.

 

So in other words.....

 

-tp

square one.

[Ariadne]

I've come so far...

I can actually take a compliment without making an excuse, just a polite thank you.

I can not only see my strengths now, but I can appreciate them, I can even appreciate my weakness now instead of hating myself for them.

I don't berate myself for every single little mistake, I've developed a firm belief that mistakes are there to learn from...

I can take responsibility for my own actions, and I can actually let other people take responsibility for theirs... instead of the other way around.

I actually like being me, I wouldn't have it any other way...

 

So how far have YOU come?

 

------------

 

Well,

 

I've never had any of those problems.

 

The only thing that concerns me a bit, is that the guys I like don't like "me" (since I admit I'm a bit odd).

 

And since I'm not planning to change, I guess that means that I'll be alone forever or something like that.

 

Ariadne

[Trialbyfire]

I've regressed if anything, due to my most recent experience. It's slowly coming back to me, the person I was and it's beginning to feel pretty good.

 

It's been eye-opening on the wide variety of people and situations on LS.

[boshemia]

Maybe it's easier to just start with one thing, that's kind of where I had to start. I guess it was seven years ago now, at the end of my first marriage where I started the changes. We were still together but he treated me terribly, he wasn't even hiding the affairs anymore... He even showed me pictures of him kissing one of the girls.

 

I don't know why I let him get away with it for so long, but something inside of me clicked. I might not be the greatest woman in the world but I sure as hell deserved better than that. Then I had to figure out WHY I deserved better.

 

I thought I had no friends but I just didn't see how many people I really had in my life. I make friends very easily, and there had to be a reason for that. As it turned out I figured out that I have a great personality, I'm funny, sincere, compassionate and I genuinely love to help people.

 

I am more than a bit odd, but I prefer the term eccentric. I know who I am, and what I like and even though it doesn't fit in with society's image of what I should be... at least I am genuine.

 

Being odd isn't a bad thing, it makes you stand out in a crowd Ariadne... and standing out in a crowd is the first step to getting noticed : )

 

Sorry to hear about the setback Trialbyfire, but I'm willing to bet that you come out of this even better than you were before. I know I did... it's that whole crappy whatever doesn't kill you principle... sometimes when people say it to you you just want to scream... and then looking back, you realize they were right. It sucks, but the only way we can get stronger is to put our strength to the test. He He Trialbyfire surely knows this right?

[Trialbyfire]

Sorry to hear about the setback Trialbyfire, but I'm willing to bet that you come out of this even better than you were before. I know I did... it's that whole crappy whatever doesn't kill you principle... sometimes when people say it to you you just want to scream... and then looking back, you realize they were right. It sucks, but the only way we can get stronger is to put our strength to the test. He He Trialbyfire surely knows this right?

I'm also sorry to hear about the things you've had to endure. It's so true that we come out stronger and better, Boshemia.

 

Btw, I'm innocent. I've come out singed but alive.

[dropdeadlegs]

DDL, just from reading your other posts, I would never guess that you don't have 100% self-esteem, so that is kinda cool, I mean, not that you feel insecure sometimes, but just, sometimes people that seem to be all together and totally with it have problems, too.

Just goes to show that a good poser isn't always what they seem. I have made leaps and bounds in the last 2-3 years. In some ways that is sad, that I had to reach life's mid-point to gain something that should be intrinsic.

 

It was only 3 years ago that I learned to accept a compliment without turning it around. I know exactly who to thank for that and ironically he was a mere FWB. He increased my self esteem more than I could have imagined. I need to thank him. I think he would be pleased. No, I KNOW he would be pleased.

[Curmudgeon]

So how far have YOU come?

 

I thought I had after spending two years living like a monk after my divorce 13 years ago and working on me. I'd reached a point where I truly liked myself and enjoyhed my own company. I also came to some conclusions and resolutions about relationships if I was ever again to enter into one and I've stuck to them remarkably well during the just over 10 years I've been married to my wife.

 

Last week my wife and I had a marriage counseling session. Some issues had arisen that she felt we needed help with so I agreed to go. It was interesting to say the least. To listen to my wife, I haven't come along far at all. We'll see what next week's session brings. Meanwhile I'm scrambling to try to make it through this month financially without having to tap into savings since my wife spent the entire household budget for the month in less than a week, much of it (about $700) on her two adult daughters (ages 30 and 32) and her grandchildren.

 

Am I allowed to have an attitude about that, and even feel some anger, or do I still need to do some work on me?

[daydreamerz]

I have to say I love the idea of this thread. So often I focus entirely on all of the things I want to improve about myself when I really have come a long way already.

 

I have a big social anxiety problem, but the thing that has changed is even though I still get anxious I don't let it hold me back like I used to.

 

I'm also a lot more independent than I used to be. I hate relying on others, so if something can be done by myself than I will do it.

 

I've learned to be less self-centered. I used to be paranoid that people were talking about me or judging me all of the time, but I've realized that I was making myself out to be much more important than I really am. Most of the time people are too caught up in their own lives to be judging me.

 

I've realized that just complaining about my life is not going to do anything. If I want anything to change than I need to actually make changes.

 

Just goes to show that a good poser isn't always what they seem. I have made leaps and bounds in the last 2-3 years. In some ways that is sad, that I had to reach life's mid-point to gain something that should be intrinsic.

This is another thing that I have come to realize. Even the people who seem to have everything under control and seem to be completely confident in themselves have their own insecurities as well.

[alextop30]

That is great how far you have come - you should be proud because what I found out is that you can help your friend come out of crisis, you can help your parents stop the divorse that they are in but the hardest part to change and fix is yourself.

 

I started with no self esteem, I was confused at which end to loook at. I had no friends and cannot share anything with my parents. When I look at myself I just see how fat I am and not what is really there, I hated myself so much for the very little things that I didn't say or did say. I was a mess.

 

Now I have a clear mind of where I am going, I have a few very good friends that we go out and have fun, I still have problem sharing my thoughts with someone because my family dont respect people's feelings and problems that much, I have also learned to accept what I see in the mirror - I dont exatly like myself but still I kind of just accept what I am. But the very major part that I need to work on is to stop hating myself because that is still making my life miserable.

[Starry-eyed]

If it's possible, I feel farther today than I did a few days ago. But I don't fully know yet if it's really more or validation I got from someone else. But I try to separate that validation from me and realize that I (with God's help) am the one who makes me ok, makes me good and neat and intelligent and valuable, etc.

 

alex, that is neat that you have made friends. Friends have always been so difficult for me to make. At 40 years old, I don't have any friends who aren't also relatives. And I have acquaintences at work, people I enjoy talking to. But I haven't had "real" girl friends for years and years and years. I miss that, but don't know how to change it.

[boshemia]

I thought I had after spending two years living like a monk after my divorce 13 years ago and working on me. I'd reached a point where I truly liked myself and enjoyhed my own company. I also came to some conclusions and resolutions about relationships if I was ever again to enter into one and I've stuck to them remarkably well during the just over 10 years I've been married to my wife.

 

Last week my wife and I had a marriage counseling session. Some issues had arisen that she felt we needed help with so I agreed to go. It was interesting to say the least. To listen to my wife, I haven't come along far at all. We'll see what next week's session brings. Meanwhile I'm scrambling to try to make it through this month financially without having to tap into savings since my wife spent the entire household budget for the month in less than a week, much of it (about $700) on her two adult daughters (ages 30 and 32) and her grandchildren.

 

Am I allowed to have an attitude about that, and even feel some anger, or do I still need to do some work on me?

 

 

Ha, Ha, Ha... my counselor is teaching me TO be angry. Anger is not the problem, it is only a symptom to let you know a problem is there. Now how you handle that anger can be a problem...

 

There's a marraige book out there somewhere called "Communication, Sex, and Money" I didn't read much of it because it's written for men, but according to the authors those were the number one causes for divorce. Communication ABOUT money is probably one of the biggest... I know I've had my fair share of disagreements about $$$ in my marriages.

 

Good luck...

[boshemia]

I have to say I love the idea of this thread. So often I focus entirely on all of the things I want to improve about myself when I really have come a long way already.

 

I have a big social anxiety problem, but the thing that has changed is even though I still get anxious I don't let it hold me back like I used to.

 

I'm also a lot more independent than I used to be. I hate relying on others, so if something can be done by myself than I will do it.

 

I've learned to be less self-centered. I used to be paranoid that people were talking about me or judging me all of the time, but I've realized that I was making myself out to be much more important than I really am. Most of the time people are too caught up in their own lives to be judging me.

 

I've realized that just complaining about my life is not going to do anything. If I want anything to change than I need to actually make changes.

 

 

This is another thing that I have come to realize. Even the people who seem to have everything under control and seem to be completely confident in themselves have their own insecurities as well.

 

I think it's important to recognize changes for the better, just as I believe it is important to learn from our mistakes. One of the wonderful things about being human is the tremendous potential for growth that each and every one of us possesses.

 

Remember when we were kids and our parents or grandparents marked our growth from one year to the next with a mark on the wall? Once our bodies stopped growing, we stopped making those marks... Too bad there isn't a way to continue marking our emotional, spiritual, and intellectual growth in the same manner!!!

[Starry-eyed]

Boshemia, I just want to respond to your comment on another thread that your counselor told you you have a narcissistic parent. That's what mine told me, too! Well, she didn't "tell" me, she just said it is possible, and we've been doing some therapy from that angle. And this is recent, so I thought it was really coincidental that you said the same thing.

 

Part of how far I am trying to come (in an emotional way, I know it sounds dirty!) is overcoming having a narcissistic parent. My mom certainly wasn't an extreme narcissist, but she did make our lives always about her. And the stuff my counselor was telling me today was amazing. Like how babies can pick up parental reactions and emotions and expressions at a really early age, way before talking, and that some babies learn from being so very young to do things to not upset the parent. And so the baby continues to develop trying to avoid upsetting the parent and thinking that everything that goes wrong is her fault and that she (the child) has to behave in certain ways so as not to make the parent mad or something. So the child can develop intense feelings of self-consciousness, 'cause she is always monitoring her behavior for how the parent will react. And the feelings of self-consciousness create shyness and timidity and low self-esteem, because the child feels that she is responsible for any problems that come up or anything goes wrong.

 

And somehow we have to learn that those things were NOT our fault! We were just kids and had no control over our situations or environments. Anyway, that's just a little bit, but it was just so fascinating and applicable to me. I really think I'm making progress 'cause I never understood that stuff before.

 

I hope your counselor is helping you, too, and you can continue to learn that you were not and are not the cause of your parent's issues.

[dropdeadlegs]

I thought I had after spending two years living like a monk after my divorce 13 years ago and working on me. I'd reached a point where I truly liked myself and enjoyhed my own company. I also came to some conclusions and resolutions about relationships if I was ever again to enter into one and I've stuck to them remarkably well during the just over 10 years I've been married to my wife.

 

Last week my wife and I had a marriage counseling session. Some issues had arisen that she felt we needed help with so I agreed to go. It was interesting to say the least. To listen to my wife, I haven't come along far at all. We'll see what next week's session brings. Meanwhile I'm scrambling to try to make it through this month financially without having to tap into savings since my wife spent the entire household budget for the month in less than a week, much of it (about $700) on her two adult daughters (ages 30 and 32) and her grandchildren.

 

Am I allowed to have an attitude about that, and even feel some anger, or do I still need to do some work on me?

Here is one of my many LS moments where someone I thought had all the answers has problems, too. Yes, you have every right to be upset about the money that has been spent. I know Easter was in the makings, but still, we cannot spend more than we can afford and justify it with a holiday.

 

Good luck with your counseling. I feel pretty certain that your problems are minor and can be worked out.

 

If it's possible, I feel farther today than I did a few days ago. But I don't fully know yet if it's really more or validation I got from someone else. But I try to separate that validation from me and realize that I (with God's help) am the one who makes me ok, makes me good and neat and intelligent and valuable, etc.

 

alex, that is neat that you have made friends. Friends have always been so difficult for me to make. At 40 years old, I don't have any friends who aren't also relatives. And I have acquaintences at work, people I enjoy talking to. But I haven't had "real" girl friends for years and years and years. I miss that, but don't know how to change it.

Starry-eyed, validation from others can be important in coming to realizations within ourselves. Sometimes we have to hear something that ONE MORE TIME in order for it to sink in and actually be "heard." Or maybe "believed" is a better word. I have often heard the same message over and over, and then one day it just "clicks" and makes sense.

 

I have similar problems with friends. I am 42 and have many acquaintances. People genuinely seem to like me, but I have a hard time exerting enough effort to maintain true friendships. I don't know if I'm lazy or too busy with my kids, BF, life, etc. My coworkers have often been my main support, thus my "friends." I have people that I share life altering moments with, like births, deaths, marriages, but I don't see many people other than for those reasons. I'm a homebody and don't get out and visit people often enough, although I do have enough time. Maybe I just need more babysitters! I also tend to not identify with women much, although there are many women on LS that I think I would really enjoy knowing IRL.

 

Yeah, I've come a long way, but I have so much more work to do! Kudos to all who are still working and striving.

[boshemia]

Boshemia, I just want to respond to your comment on another thread that your counselor told you you have a narcissistic parent. That's what mine told me, too! Well, she didn't "tell" me, she just said it is possible, and we've been doing some therapy from that angle. And this is recent, so I thought it was really coincidental that you said the same thing.

 

Part of how far I am trying to come (in an emotional way, I know it sounds dirty!) is overcoming having a narcissistic parent. My mom certainly wasn't an extreme narcissist, but she did make our lives always about her. And the stuff my counselor was telling me today was amazing. Like how babies can pick up parental reactions and emotions and expressions at a really early age, way before talking, and that some babies learn from being so very young to do things to not upset the parent. And so the baby continues to develop trying to avoid upsetting the parent and thinking that everything that goes wrong is her fault and that she (the child) has to behave in certain ways so as not to make the parent mad or something. So the child can develop intense feelings of self-consciousness, 'cause she is always monitoring her behavior for how the parent will react. And the feelings of self-consciousness create shyness and timidity and low self-esteem, because the child feels that she is responsible for any problems that come up or anything goes wrong.

 

And somehow we have to learn that those things were NOT our fault! We were just kids and had no control over our situations or environments. Anyway, that's just a little bit, but it was just so fascinating and applicable to me. I really think I'm making progress 'cause I never understood that stuff before.

 

I hope your counselor is helping you, too, and you can continue to learn that you were not and are not the cause of your parent's issues.

 

"My mom certainly wasn't an extreme narcissist, but she did make our lives always about her" - That describes my mom fairly well, except I was her only child. My Mom had many addictions in my lifetime, cocaine, misc. drugs, alcohol, but the worst of her addictions were her men... she always had to have one in her life, we got along great when she was single, but the minute another man arrived I was pushed to the back burner. She got even worse when she became a Christian, she traded her drugs and alcohol for God for a time.

 

She got really serious about one guy and stopped coming home at all for the most part. We lived with my aunt and cousin at the time and so I wasn't alone, but for my 13th birthday she walked in the room threw a Poison tape on my bed and said Happy Birthday before she went to his house, she gave my Aunt some money for us to rent a VCR, movies, and a pizza...

 

That was an is my Mom, and I've somewhat learned to live with it... I still wish for a strong relationship with her. But I'm learning to take what I can get and leave the rest. She really did do the best she could, because she doesn't know any other way.

 

I was very blessed in my childhood, just as I am now. I have a wonderful grandmother who has always been there for me, and I am very close to my aunt. She was my maid of honor, and I was hers : ) When i was 16 my family intervened and sent me to live with my Grandmother for the rest of my teen years... not everyone who goes through childhood troubles has a family to lean on like I have.

 

I have a pretty good idea of the path I would have taken without their love and guidance because I started on it many times. I owe them a lot...