Jealous and suffering!!!!

[LoveLace]

Most here at LS have sworn after reading my posts that my roommate does in fact know I had feelings for him recently...however...

 

He has this new girlfriend, 15 yrs. younger than he is, who has spent the night almost every single night over the last week or a little more. I think he assumes that I don't realize how often it's been because its always late at night while I'm in bed..but I have eyes and ears! Either that, or he just doesn't care if I know. After all he pays rent and can have guests...but if she is going to be there this often, do I have a right to demand that he pays more for her? It already seems as though she practically lives there. I don't think its too cool.

 

That aside, of course I'm jealous especially if it's "serious"....but if he knew of my feelings, would he still do this? Is he really too dumb to know it's killing me? Does he hope it's killing me? Trying to push me out of the apt. even sooner than planned? Believe I would not mind moving sooner, but time-wise and money-wise it isn't possible still for a little while. Besides, if I said, "That's it!! I'm moving tomorrow!!" I don't think it could more obvious!!!

 

In the mean time I can hardly sleep at night because I know she is there and it's bothering me because I know what they are doing in the next room. This morning I felt sick to my stomach. I've been awake since 4am!! All this happens to be right after all the B.S. we just went through. We are not near as good of friends as we were before already; I know that when he's out of my life I will be much happier and will never look back. But until then, how do I handle this?

[mental_traveller]

Well, what agreement did you make when you started the house-sharing arrangement? Living with others is always a problem because of these issues.

 

My personal view is that having SOs over from time to time is ok, but if it's too frequent then it's out of line. But I'd always bring that up before sharing with someone, that way I end up living with someone of the same attitude, and if we disagree then we don't share in the first place. So it all depends whether you agreed this at the start.

 

If you had no agreement or understanding, then it's tricky. Technically there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. He's a single guy, he has every right to bonk 72 teenage virgins per month if that's what he wants. As long as the noise is not keeping you awake after 11pmish then really you don't have a leg to stand on. You are not his girlfriend, and nothing he is doing would bother someone who was not romantically or sexually interested in him. It's not his fault if you are so obsessive about him that you are staying awake into the small hours out of jealously.

 

So you have three options. The honourable option is to tell him you know it's unreasonable, but what he's doing makes you jealous and you can't stand it. Then just hope he feels sorry for you and cuts down on screwing other girls in the room next door while you're at home alone. Or you could just grin & bear it, control your feelings of annoyance & jealously, then move out as soon as possible. The dishonourable option is to somehow manipulate the situation so he brings women back less often or not at all. For example, just act like a total bitch to him about it, make up excuses about it being too crowded, how their noise keeps you awake and interferes with work, threaten to move out & not pay your rent, be really cold/nasty to her etc. I wouldn't recommend acting that way but if you no longer care what he thinks then it could work.

[LoveLace]

We never really discussed in detail about having "mates" over. I did mention once in the beginning that I would probably go over to a man's house before I'd have him over at our place. But that was the extent of the conversation.

 

I wouldn't call it obssessed (although I may have been in the past) as much as I'd call it annoyed and feeling disrespected. Right now I feel disgusted by him, but jealous at the same time, so I don't know if that's what you call obssessed. Anyway, it's a total lack of communication with us, which is nothing new. I have been willing to just suck it up like you said MT, but when I can't sleep at night because it's bothering me and I can't focus the next day because I'm tired, that's what makes me think something needs to be done.

 

But you are right that my problem here isn't his fault. However, if he's aware of my jealousy, which he claimed to be a few weeks ago, what kind of person or "friend" would only make it worse for you? We've known each other many years, not a few months. I feel like he's trying to be sneaky by having the girl there after I'm in bed at night, and I only know about her anyway because I have eyes and ears, not because he tells me anything to my face. He never says "I'm seeing this girl.." or "...is coming over"....are these not things you would mention to your roommate and/or friend? As for jealousy he said "it's ok to feel that way, you know". No, it's not, when its in your face constantly.

 

So I gather he just plain doesn't give a cr*p about my feelings, therefore isn't a very good friend. And I can't help but wonder if he's trying to push me out of the apt. with this frequent GF visiting, so that he wouldn't have to tell me to just go. But if he did that, he'd have a big financial hole to fill. And he makes less than I do..he'd be screwd. And i don't think he's serious enough about any girl to want them to move in. Yet, he wanted to get a house with me a few months ago!

[nocturnal_kiss]

Obviously he is just thinking with his penis for right now. I feel your pain, but I don't think he will come to his senses until the blood goes back to his big head.

[LoveLace]

big head is right..i don't think that'll be anytime soon..besides, he might really like her? Who knows? This is the 1st time since living together that i've seen him with a girl like every night like this...all I can do is hope he gets sick of her the others..but that doesn't seem to coming anytime soon...