a choice...

[Cici]

I was close friends with a girl for 10 years. We did everything together, even lived together in college. Our relationship was very close. We said we loved each other and I truly think we did.

 

About 8 months ago she and I were living together. I started seeing a guy, he was really my first real relationship with a man. She ended up sleeping with him. I broke off relations with both of them and moved away from her, cutting off all contact.

 

Last week, I had been receiving calls from her physical therapist, so I called her and told her to change the number they had for her, just because I was sick of getting phone calls for someone I didn't care for. She called me back later that day and told me she "missed hearing the sound of my voice" and that was all.

 

I sent her an email explaining my ambivalence towards her statement. She wrote back saying she was seeing a therapist, everything was different, maybe we could get together? I don't know. I don't know whether to trust her or just let things go. We have so much history together, from elementary school on. But she did crazy things like turn off the electricity and phone on me without telling me when I was dating this guy, and having temper tantrums and screaming at me. The last few months of our relationship were possibly the worst I've ever had in my life.

 

Is it crazy to have dinner with her to talk about old times? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

[Billie]

Let them lay darlin. You've moved on she has not so goes life. If you let her she will drag you back down with her because she is lonely there at the bottom.

[Wiser Woman]

I agree with Billie. I had what I considered a close, best friend for 18 years who suddenly turned on me as well. While she didn't take a boyfriend or husband away from me, she treated me very badly in the 18th year of our friendship and we ended up drifting very far apart. After about two years, I attempted to patch things up with her and try to find out what had gone wrong because I thought I'd missed her friendship. After I made the first move, we had lunch. Well, guess what, I found out that there was nothing I'd missed and that she was the same vindictive person she'd always been that, I guess over the years, I'd refused to see. I moved on from that and am very happy I did. With friends like some of us have had, who needs enemies. This girl sounds like an enemy.

[Richie]

There is no use of getting together again. Betraying a friend is a very bad thing to do. Forgive and FORGET her. If you see her again, you cannot forget what she has done and ultimately you cannot forgive her. So better don't meet her. She doesn't deserve your love or friendship. (I would change my number instead calling her and talking to her again.)

 

-Richie

[jade]

I agree. She didn't seem to place very much value on your friendship when she slept with your boyfriend, so why should you value the friendship now?

I was close friends with a girl for 10 years. We did everything together, even lived together in college. Our relationship was very close. We said we loved each other and I truly think we did. About 8 months ago she and I were living together. I started seeing a guy, he was really my first real relationship with a man. She ended up sleeping with him. I broke off relations with both of them and moved away from her, cutting off all contact. Last week, I had been receiving calls from her physical therapist, so I called her and told her to change the number they had for her, just because I was sick of getting phone calls for someone I didn't care for. She called me back later that day and told me she "missed hearing the sound of my voice" and that was all.

 

I sent her an email explaining my ambivalence towards her statement. She wrote back saying she was seeing a therapist, everything was different, maybe we could get together? I don't know. I don't know whether to trust her or just let things go. We have so much history together, from elementary school on. But she did crazy things like turn off the electricity and phone on me without telling me when I was dating this guy, and having temper tantrums and screaming at me. The last few months of our relationship were possibly the worst I've ever had in my life. Is it crazy to have dinner with her to talk about old times? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

[CCCConfused?]

I have to admit to be at somewhat of a loss here. Are we talking about the same girl, who in a previous piece of advice to some, poor, downtrodden and broken soul called Randy admitted to cheating on her boyfriend once, and i quote...."I actually did cheat on my boyfriend. I don't know why, I care for him deeply. One night, I was over at a friend's house and we just did it. I felt extremely guilty (although I didn't tell my boyfriend about it, since I knew it wasn't going to happen again), but after time I realized that it was a passion thing, not really me, and I resolved to be a better companion for my partner." I mean, come on, lets look at the hipocracy here, as Christ said in his parables, remove the log from your own eye before you try and remove the spec of dirt from your brother's. You seem very quick to forgive yourself for your own shortcomings in your relationship, but here you are piously questioning a relationship that seems to have endured many times, good and bad. Can you not just accept that perhaps this person has fallen on hard times and has found it difficult to cope. I guarantee you she is not alone, and it seems, as is often the case, that she is reaching out to those she needs to recover. The fact that she is seeking professional help in the first place should be encouraging to you. I will admit there has to be a point past where a friendship can no longer endure, but are you so sure this is the point? Take a long, hard look at yourself before being too judgemental about others, these things have a habit of turning full circle!

I was close friends with a girl for 10 years. We did everything together, even lived together in college. Our relationship was very close. We said we loved each other and I truly think we did. About 8 months ago she and I were living together. I started seeing a guy, he was really my first real relationship with a man. She ended up sleeping with him. I broke off relations with both of them and moved away from her, cutting off all contact. Last week, I had been receiving calls from her physical therapist, so I called her and told her to change the number they had for her, just because I was sick of getting phone calls for someone I didn't care for. She called me back later that day and told me she "missed hearing the sound of my voice" and that was all.

 

I sent her an email explaining my ambivalence towards her statement. She wrote back saying she was seeing a therapist, everything was different, maybe we could get together? I don't know. I don't know whether to trust her or just let things go. We have so much history together, from elementary school on. But she did crazy things like turn off the electricity and phone on me without telling me when I was dating this guy, and having temper tantrums and screaming at me. The last few months of our relationship were possibly the worst I've ever had in my life. Is it crazy to have dinner with her to talk about old times? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

[Guy]

You always see the scenario in the movies where the person with no morals suddenly gets it and is redeemed becoming a born again good person. Never happens. If she stabbed you in the back before she'll do it again, unless she never gets another opportunity. Either you're the type of person that has self control or you're not. Her sleeping with that guy and tantrums make it sound like she doesn't have too much and I doubt if she just picked it up through a little therapy. Forget her, you went through the trouble of moving on so don't regress. It's possible she was jealous of your relationship, now that you were close to someone else aside from her and so she sabatoged it. My g/f had this crazy roomate and they told each other they loved each other all the time and so on. She was a big reason my g/f's prev relationship didn't work out and she's been trying to ruin ours for awhile...always obsessed with the idea that my g/f loves her more than me. She actually used to hit me when she thought my g/f wouldn't see. So think about the things she did before sleeping with him, if this is what was going on stay far away from her. Those type of people are self-centered and manipulative and will cause others pain just to stay the center of attention.

I was close friends with a girl for 10 years. We did everything together, even lived together in college. Our relationship was very close. We said we loved each other and I truly think we did. About 8 months ago she and I were living together. I started seeing a guy, he was really my first real relationship with a man. She ended up sleeping with him. I broke off relations with both of them and moved away from her, cutting off all contact. Last week, I had been receiving calls from her physical therapist, so I called her and told her to change the number they had for her, just because I was sick of getting phone calls for someone I didn't care for. She called me back later that day and told me she "missed hearing the sound of my voice" and that was all.

 

I sent her an email explaining my ambivalence towards her statement. She wrote back saying she was seeing a therapist, everything was different, maybe we could get together? I don't know. I don't know whether to trust her or just let things go. We have so much history together, from elementary school on. But she did crazy things like turn off the electricity and phone on me without telling me when I was dating this guy, and having temper tantrums and screaming at me. The last few months of our relationship were possibly the worst I've ever had in my life. Is it crazy to have dinner with her to talk about old times? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

[Cici]

I suppose I didn't make clear the level of betrayal.

 

Our relationship did not endure good and bad. I forgave her many times for her temper, for her turning off elecricity, for her telling my boyfriend every bad thing I said about him in anger after having fights with him. I am an accomadating person. I forgave her when she told me she hated living with me and hated me, and then decided to run back and be my friend again. Again and again I said that I had faith that she truly cared for me and was just having difficulties in her life.

 

I forgave her for introducing me to drugs, which I became addicted to and had to seek professional help for. I forgave her for her coke binges which would end in frantic rages.

 

I realize now that you cannot help someone until they help themselves. I think for now I will let this alone. I am not discounting future associations, but three therapy sessions doesn't spell mental health. I wrote her and told her to call me again in three months.

 

I perhaps am feeling defensive, because this is a tender spot for me. I have not easily forgiven myself. Resolving to be a better partner is not forgiving myself. I wake up every morning and regret my infidelity. I have NEVER forgiven myself for that awful mistake. And I NEVER will forgive myself. I ask forgiveness of my lover every day by being the best I can for him.

 

I don't see it as hypocrisy. I have forgiven her. I told her as much. I have not forgiven myself.

[Guy]

Good for you on holding your ground. Your moment of weakness, bad as it may be, doesn't really compare to your friend's chronic problems. When you break ties with someone you are that close with it's only after they have caused you so much pain that all the joy that have brought isn't enough to make up for that pain. If you want to try after a few months go for it. Just make sure to think about that pain everytime you think of her, it'll help keep your guard up and keep her from hurting you again.

 

As far as your moment of weakness I wouldn't let that critisism bother you too much. I don't know all that much but I know that it seems like everyone gets an urge to cheat sooner or later, probably just for the excitement. So I think it's a good thing that you've tried it and realized that it's not worth it. At least now you won't be tempted again. Sorry if this sounds tacky but the way I see it everyone makes mistakes, it's what we learn from them that shows our intellegence and strength of character. I also don't agree with people who preach self forgiveness. Like you I have done something I won't forgive myself for...ever. And I refuse to even try to fogive myself because as long as I hold on to that I know I'll never do it again. So don't listen to people who attack you for your past, you're probably a better person than a lot of the people out there who have never cheated because doing it hurt you more than anyone else.

 

I suppose I didn't make clear the level of betrayal. Our relationship did not endure good and bad. I forgave her many times for her temper, for her turning off elecricity, for her telling my boyfriend every bad thing I said about him in anger after having fights with him. I am an accomadating person. I forgave her when she told me she hated living with me and hated me, and then decided to run back and be my friend again. Again and again I said that I had faith that she truly cared for me and was just having difficulties in her life. I forgave her for introducing me to drugs, which I became addicted to and had to seek professional help for. I forgave her for her coke binges which would end in frantic rages. I realize now that you cannot help someone until they help themselves. I think for now I will let this alone. I am not discounting future associations, but three therapy sessions doesn't spell mental health. I wrote her and told her to call me again in three months. I perhaps am feeling defensive, because this is a tender spot for me. I have not easily forgiven myself. Resolving to be a better partner is not forgiving myself. I wake up every morning and regret my infidelity. I have NEVER forgiven myself for that awful mistake. And I NEVER will forgive myself. I ask forgiveness of my lover every day by being the best I can for him. I don't see it as hypocrisy. I have forgiven her. I told her as much. I have not forgiven myself.

 

[CCCConfused?]

So fine, you have tried. But you seem to try and hand out forgiveness with relative impunity as if it is supposed to give you a sense of closure. I have seen lives that have been destroyed at first hand by drugs and depression at a frightening pace, i know what it can do lives, friendships and relationships, but you need to take an inward look here. No one made you take drugs did they? I take it you do have a free will? You certainly seem to have a strong personality and you must be commended for kicking the habit, but i get sick to the back teeth of the "Not My Fault" culture. If people in this "society" started to take more responsibiltity for their actions and acted with more honesty to themselves, first and foremost, and to others after that we would all get along far much better. I apologise if i seem somewhat over veracic and i don't wish to get into a protracted arguement about this, and I am not getting on your back as some sort of personal vendetta, as i am sure that you, i and everybody in this messed up place have their personal demons which we all have to bear, but this general air of dishonesty is just something that is becoming symptomatic in the modern world, that only leads to the perpetuation of the blame culture. Being dishonest with ourselves is the root cause of most of our ills. Take it from me you won't need to ask the question about whether you should still be friends with this person, when that point comes you'll know!

I suppose I didn't make clear the level of betrayal. Our relationship did not endure good and bad. I forgave her many times for her temper, for her turning off elecricity, for her telling my boyfriend every bad thing I said about him in anger after having fights with him. I am an accomadating person. I forgave her when she told me she hated living with me and hated me, and then decided to run back and be my friend again. Again and again I said that I had faith that she truly cared for me and was just having difficulties in her life. I forgave her for introducing me to drugs, which I became addicted to and had to seek professional help for. I forgave her for her coke binges which would end in frantic rages. I realize now that you cannot help someone until they help themselves. I think for now I will let this alone. I am not discounting future associations, but three therapy sessions doesn't spell mental health. I wrote her and told her to call me again in three months. I perhaps am feeling defensive, because this is a tender spot for me. I have not easily forgiven myself. Resolving to be a better partner is not forgiving myself. I wake up every morning and regret my infidelity. I have NEVER forgiven myself for that awful mistake. And I NEVER will forgive myself. I ask forgiveness of my lover every day by being the best I can for him. I don't see it as hypocrisy. I have forgiven her. I told her as much. I have not forgiven myself.

 

[TaraF]

I have to say. You are amazing. I read your posting and it was so truthful. Everyone tries to blame everyone else for their downfalls, when in reality we all make our own choices. The easiest thing to do is to blame the other person who introduces you to the idea. Unless somebody forces coke up your nose or sticks a needle in your arm, you are responsible for your own actions. I think maybe some people who are strong enough to get away from it, should understand and be more forgiving of a person who is weaker, because they too were weak at one time.

[Guy]

I agree, nail on the head. But even though everyone has moments of weakness and in general one shouldn't judge others I do beleive we have too much tolerance for people who make a habit out of it. Second chances are a must, but when people cave in to their whims constantly then they have a self discipline problem. Maybe being forgiving to them is a good thing, but I have a hard time with it.

 

we got off on a bit of a tangent here didn't we

I have to say. You are amazing. I read your posting and it was so truthful. Everyone tries to blame everyone else for their downfalls, when in reality we all make our own choices. The easiest thing to do is to blame the other person who introduces you to the idea. Unless somebody forces coke up your nose or sticks a needle in your arm, you are responsible for your own actions. I think maybe some people who are strong enough to get away from it, should understand and be more forgiving of a person who is weaker, because they too were weak at one time.

[Cici]

Ack! OK. I don't blame her for my drug use, people. Let's remember that words strung across a screen do not a personality make!

 

I blame myself for my drug use. To clarify my point of irritation...her coke binges, rolling (ecstasy) binges, times when she would stay up for 3 days straight eating acid were scary. Because after excessive use of certain drugs, you go into something called drug-induced psychosis, which involves excesssive paranoia, violence and mild dementia.

 

Because of health problems, I was never able to ingest enough drugs to go into drug-induced psychosis. So I would come down, pass out the next day, and get up to her hauling the TV into her room and turning off the cable for a week. Or her screaming and crying about dirty dishes, and lashing out violently.

 

So don't make me a scapegoat for a commentary on American society's culture of blame. I know enough about that. I wrote a sociology paper about it. Armchair psycho-analysis aside, I leave my personal neurosis to a therapist. I suppose, if you ask for advice, you're bound to get tangents involving criticism of your personality based on minute examination of a single sentence which would have been overlooked in conversation.