Analyze This

[Dana]

Hello,

 

I have a male friend(?) from another country that I met about 2 years ago while he was going to school here. We did not have a sexual relationship and he claimed to have a girlfriend, though he rarely mentioned her. We got along very well, hanging out and talking for hours about everything. We have the same kind of sense of humor and a lot of common interests. I felt very attracted to him, but never tried to act on it, and I had the feeling he was attracted to me, too, because he always seemed to be staring at me and when I'd have a conversation with another male classmate, he'd find some way to join in. We had a pretty emotional and affectionate goodbye when he left to go back home.

 

Since he's been back in his country, we've kept in touch by e-mail and Instant Message (which we sometimes do for several hours at a time). For the first approximately 6 months that he was home, he never mentioned the girlfriend, then he said they had broken up and hasn't mentioned that, or any, relationship since. After the breakup, he suggested that we buy webcams and try to communicate that way too, but we've had a hard time with the time difference and technology and have only used them a couple of times. He never mentions dating anyone (and it's been a little over a year since he said he broke up with his girlfriend), so as far as I know, he's not. He also claims he's looked into finding a job in my country (I've never asked him to, he mentioned it on his own), but that there's too much red tape. He has also mentioned us visiting each other when we have enough money.

 

Occasionally, when I e-mail him I tell him he's sweet or put x's and o's at the end of the mail. He doesn't do this type of thing in his e-mails, but doesn't say anything to discourage me from doing so. He also told me that his e-mail address is set up to accept e-mails only from me.

 

So, my question is: Does this guy like me as more than a friend?

[Tony T]

There is no way anybody here can answer this question on the basis of your post, even speculatively. There is just no way we can read his mind.

 

Based on his behavior that you have described plus the distance factor, it is doubtful that anything can ever come of this....I really wouldn't call it a relationship...this cyber friendship.

 

As time passes and he realizes that the long distance thing he has with you will not be fulfilling...or when he meets somebody where he is...the frequency of the IMs and email will diminish significantly.

 

This will only work if you find a way to be with him or him with you. Otherwise, you are wasting major amounts of time.

 

Your question, "Does this guy like me as more than a friend" is pretty mute unless you can establish the basis for more of a romance....that means, holding hands, kissing, taking walks, dining together, etc. Right now, the two of you can only do that in the Theatre of the Mind. What a trashy place to have a romance.

 

If you really love this guy, find out a way to be with him. You'll get your answer real fast. I think if this was a bonafide romance, you would not be here asking questions about it.

[quankanne]

you say that his e-mail address is set up to accept e-mails only from you? Sounds fishy, like he's still involved with/is involved with someone and is hiding your relationship with him, thus an e-address that only YOU have access to (it'd take a hell of a lot of blocking to only have just one address filter through, unless only one person has access to said address).

 

Maybe he's not comfortable with the XXXOOOs because he's not that kind of person, but then again, if he's hiding your relationship from someone on his side of the pond, he's not going to incriminate himself by doing anything that can be interpreted as lover-like.

 

Sounds like he's interested in a relationship, but not one in which he commits himself, but that's just my guess based on what you've shared. so ... ask him if he considers your relationship something more than just a basic friendship. Ask him POINT BLANK if he's dating anyone. Ask him if he has another e-mail address, or if the one you've got is one he's created for your eyes only. If you are interested in him, and he in you, you have every right to ask what his intentions are. If he's uncomfortable with it or says that you're being too demanding, well ... how else are you going to get the information you need to develop your relationship with him?

 

please don't see this as a sort of ragging on you (or him), but just a tool to help you find what you're looking for. Nothing's more frustrating that poor communication between two people!

[Tony T]

Why not send him an email from another email address and see if it bounces back. If it doesn't, you know it accepts other email addresses. That may not tell you too much...except that he's full of crap about it accepting only mail from you.

 

Quankanne has made a lot of good points in her post above.

 

I still see this as going nowhere...

[Dana]

You've provided some interesting input, but also make me feel I should clarify a few things. About my friend's e-mail address, he has another one that I used to send stuff to, but the one I use now is his aol address; it's easier because I'm on aol too and it's the only way we can IM. His other e-mail address is with a company based in his country and he said he's had that account for years (he used that address when he was in the US). You can, in fact, choose who you accept mail from on an aol address quickly and easily just by typing in the screen names who can send you mail. He said he changed it to only me because all the other stuff he got was junk mail (ads for viagara, etc). I suppose it's possible he has other aol screen names, but I've never asked...

 

Now, about finding a way to be closer geographically, as Tony mentioned, regardless of our relationship (or lack thereof), that problem has both of us stumped. I am from the US, he is from one of the EU countries. He has tried to figure out how to work in the US and says it's nearly impossible to get a permit to work here and that companies don't want to go through all the red tape to hire a foreigner. I may not be able to define what we are to each other, but we do seem to at least want to be on the same side of the ocean again. I would like to have him here and he has said several times that he would like to find work here. He regularly complains about the weather and being bored where he is.

 

I already know that to go to his country as a non EU citizen I would have to have highly specialized skills, be transferred or sponsored by a US company, be independently wealthy and not have to work, or be married to an EU citizen (I'm very fond of him, but I'm not crazy, I don't want to jump into something like that). Plus, I barely speak the language and the unemployment rate in his country is nearly 10%, so I'm not very employable there. He is more employable here because he speaks a language that he could teach here. But believe me, I've wracked my brains to try to find a way to be closer...I'm also just above the age where I can get a student visa and be able to work and take classes in his country.

 

So, is there anything I don't know or haven't thought of as far as eliminating the geographical distance? I am willing and the fact that he has tried to find a way to work in the US shows he is apparently willing, also?

[Tony T]

You know, if the United States allowed terrorists into this country to take flying lessons, kill thousands of people, and wreak havoc on our economy, common sense would dictate that your friend could come over to teach a foreign language.

 

There's something about this country that makes no sense at all????!!!!!!!