Stifled and want out... but should I?

[Schnecke]

(New here... please excuse the length of this post, I've tried to condense my story as best as I could :-) )

 

I met my husband a few years ago, things went fast. We had known each other for 6 months before I got pregnant. Shotgun wedding ensued-- my family's very old-fashioned and traditional. Before then I'd been ambivalent about having children. I sort of went along with the idea of "marriage and kids" because that seemed like the norm-- everyone else wanted it. Truth is, if my parents had been more lax about the situation, I probably would've given up the child for adoption.

 

For the past couple years, I've been feeling stifled and trapped. I am 30 years old and all of my life I've been pretty "sheltered". Even when I was far away at college my parents were never more than a phone call away-- every single day. I guess when you grow up with it, you just get used to being on a tight leash. And I know my parents mean well.

 

But right now I'm having a hard time feeling like I want to be in this marriage. I feel that if it hadn't been for the unexpected pregnancy, we would never have gotten married-- our relationship would've run its normal course. My ambivalence about having kids has been confirmed after the birth of my son-- I've never felt that "intense mother-child bond" that you hear about so often. While I love my son, I question my own capabilities as a parent and my ability to do right by him and raise him properly.

 

It doesn't help that I'm under enormous pressure at home (unbeknownst to my husband) to make this marriage work-- mostly for the sake of my child. When I first confided in my parents about the fact that I don't feel "in love" with my husband anymore, and feel "trapped" in my marriage b/c of the shotgun wedding, they went ballistic.

 

They are convinced that my feelings have changed because I am interested in someone else. That is untrue, although I guess I can understand why they think that. They think I believe the grass is greener on the other side and that I'm being selfish in "abandoning" my son. Maybe some of that is true.

 

But the way I see it-- if I stay solely for the sake of my son, won't he feel the effects of it sooner or later? If I leave, my husband will fight tooth and nail for custody-- but to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't contest it. He's not a bad father. My parents? More than a little concerned with saving face and potential accusations that their daughter is either a cheater or an incredibly selfish person for not retaining custody of her son.

I feel guilty because my husband doesn't feel the same way-- he still loves me very much. And as I said, he's not a bad person, I'm just not in love with him any longer. I feel guilty because I don't like the thought of alienating my parents. I feel guilty for my son's sake.

 

But at the same time I can't see myself being able to keep up pretenses of being in a happy, peaceful marriage, long term. And if I'm doing that, it doesn't seem fair to my husband, he deserves someone who loves him back as much as he loves me.

 

What are your thoughts? What should I do?

 

Thanks, I appreciate your replies.

[Gunny376]

JHC! Lady you're bleeding and crying all over me here! I can't recall a post that ever showed so much blood, sweat and tears?! I don't see nothing but heartache and misery with this guy ~ you just don't love him.

 

Do him and your son a favor! Get out. Take your son with you, you'll get custody. Unless your a seven times convicted crack-head whore, with back to back prison convictions you'll get custody.

 

Mind you? I'm not calling you anything! I'm just saying you can get out with your son! And that's what you should do!

[LakesideDream]

Ah yes... another would be WAW, (walk away wife) who "isn't in love" with her husband. Oh.. and he doesen't smoke crack, gamble the mortgage, beat her, or cheat on her, he's just a "not bad" father who is in love with her.

 

Are you looking here for sympathy or advice. If it's sympathy forget it (at least from me), if it's advice, first I would get myself a good psyco-theripist and start working on your problems, self esteem, obvious ambivilance, committment.

 

Then.. straight to a marriage counselor. Your husband and child deserve much more than you have offered or delivered. You don't feel the "intense mother child bond", boo hoo.

 

If you decide you dump your husband, be sure you dump the child too. Let them work/continue with the intense father child bond they have.

 

You sound very selfish... ya think?

[Trialbyfire]

It appears that you avoid strong emotional ties to people. Before ending your marriage and leaving your child behind, you might want to consider some professional help such as a counsellor or some form of therapist.

 

Running away from issues won't make them better.

[Ladyjane14]

Ahhh... the re-write of marital history... "it was all a mistake, I was PRESSURED into the marriage",the denials that another person is influencing marital choices, the master plan that would allow EVERYONE to feel good about the dissolution of the family.

 

Geez... Ya just gotta love The Classics!!! :lmao:

[hurting_in_nw]

Sounds like what my STBXW was going through a few months ago. I only wish she had spoken up before she ended up cheating and destroying so much. Get some help Schnecke. Running away won't fill the hole you have inside of you, nor will somebody new.

[Gunny376]

Sounds like what my STBXW was going through a few months ago. I only wish she had spoken up before she ended up cheating and destroying so much. Get some help Schnecke. Running away won't fill the hole you have inside of you, nor will somebody new.

 

H'inNY is right ~ you can do a lot of things ~ but you can't run away from yourself.

 

And, even professional help won't help ~ until you change your attitude, and come to terms with the fact that you're 50% of the problem and that you need to be 100% (of 200% of the complete total ~ the DH being the other 100%) of the solution.

 

As LJ said "Ahhh... the re-write of marital history... "it was all a mistake, I was PRESSURED into the marriage",the denials that another person is influencing marital choices, the master plan that would allow EVERYONE to feel good about the dissolution of the family.

Geez... Ya just gotta love The Classics!!! :lmao:

 

Par the course ~ another hole is one!

 

 

Hope you keep posting.

[sumdude]

Ahhh... the re-write of marital history... "it was all a mistake, I was PRESSURED into the marriage",the denials that another person is influencing marital choices, the master plan that would allow EVERYONE to feel good about the dissolution of the family.

 

Geez... Ya just gotta love The Classics!!! :lmao:

 

 

Can you name that tune...

 

"(unbeknownst to my husband)"

 

All kidding aside. Does your husband have any clue you're so unhappy? Have you tried to bring things up with him along the way to this point? Relationships change, people change. If one changes and the other doesn't problems come up. You have to adjust to each other over time. Plus, that whole magic thing only lasts the first few months or couple years of a relationship and almost always goes away. Most movies only show the happy ending as the wedding or the sad ending is the divorce. You don't see many movies about the ones that work out.

 

OK you're 30 and probably feel like you never had a chance to live out your life much before it all happened. You didn't get to grow up and make your own mistakes. You'll have to calmly stand up to your folks and tell them it's your life and not let thier opinions rule you. You are an adult.

 

Have a businesslike meeting with your husband. Tell him exactly how you feel. That you're unhappy and close to the point of no return. Seek individual therapy and couples counciling and tell him it's a necessity. There is no shame at all in it. You may not be understanding why you feel the way you do. Really, it's absolutely worth a shot. Most people find themselves later in another relationship having the same problems with different people.

[PWSX3]

First off I would like to welcome you to LS, sounds like you got some really harsh advice up front but don't run away and say; that isn't what I wanted to hear.

 

When I first joined I was SO LUCKY to get the same advice. It was straight forward and in my face. I have to admit I said to myself; self these guys are pretty ruff on me, but I read it again, then again and realized they were telling me the truth & what the truth was wasn't what I really wanted to hear.

 

I come from a very close family & I live in the same town as my folks so I understand how they want to help. They see it as help you see it as getting into your business.

Just like the advice you have already received you need to talk to them, it will be one of the hardest things you will do because you respect them and don't want to hurt there feelings, but yet they are hurting you so what's the difference.

 

A good book I read had a good chapter about this type of thing. The book is called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. I'm a slow reader so it took me a while to read it but I hope to go back and read it again soon to get the material I missed the first time around.

 

I feel there are some issues that you need to look at before you worry about your relationship. Once you understand some of those such as your family getting into your business then work on the relationship with you hubby.

 

Remember it takes 100% on both partners part not just the 50% that I always thought it should be.

 

For now try and look at things YOUcan do to make things better. If there are things that you feel don't work and you can do something about them try changing it, do something different.

 

I really hope you stick around, I really feel you are a good person at heart and you want to make things better your just not sure how to do it.

 

There are other books out there like His Needs, Her Needs, The five love laungues that if you read them will make you see things a lot different.

 

As Gunny has said many of times, we were never educated on this marriege stuff and it's not to late to educate yourself now.

Read some books, see a counselor, or a pastor at a church, and hang out here for a while, it's all good.

 

I wish you the best, and good luck:cool: