You know what? I'm $@!& tired of it ..

[Hard2Think]

No point in getting all long-winded about this but I'm getting the feeling that this marriage is pretty hopeless. I mean that everything is pretty much back to the way it was.

 

Basically we have sex once every 2 or 3 weeks, if that. And it's that crappy "I'm tired but we better do this" sex that I used to hate. She spends more time a month getting her nails done that having sex with me.

 

I never see my wife because her stupid part-time fitness teaching job is obviously more important that our marriage. She gets up at 5:30 AM to get to her classes at 7. As a result she goes to bed at 9 - but is already wiped out and cranky by 8. This is 6-7 days a week.

 

She goes off with my daughter to visit friends in New Orleans with my daughter for Mardi Gras. I stayed with my son. No problems. But she gets back on Tuesday. She's busy all week. Then on Satuday, her only day off - she spends all day out of the house with her friends shopping all day at the mall. She comes home at 9 PM with my daughter and is tired.

 

Just last Monday, the kids both stayed at friends' houses and we went out to a nice dinner. We get home and she crashes out almost immediately because she's tired and she has to get up at 5:30 AM.

 

And for the record: We don't need the money. I make plenty enough for both of us. She took this deal on her own because I guess it's her calling or whatever.

 

Bottom line is this: I feel I work my ass off, I sacrifice alot for her and I all I get is a glorified roommate. I don't have a wife I have a buddy. She obviously doesn't want to be my lover. She just wants an indentured servant.

 

Yes, I'm resentful. And no, I won't discuss it with her anymore. I've done that ad-infinitum. The time for that has passed. I'm officially staying for the kids. But other than that I feel like I'm wasting my life with her.

[silktricks]

And for the record: We don't need the money. I make plenty enough for both of us. She took this deal on her own because I guess it's her calling or whatever.

 

Bottom line is this: I feel I work my ass off, I sacrifice alot for her and I all I get is a glorified roommate. I don't have a wife I have a buddy. She obviously doesn't want to be my lover. She just wants an indentured servant.

 

Yes, I'm resentful. And no, I won't discuss it with her anymore. I've done that ad-infinitum. The time for that has passed. I'm officially staying for the kids. But other than that I feel like I'm wasting my life with her.

 

Don't discuss it then, print off what you just wrote and put it on her pillow. It's easy to fall back into a "comfort zone" when the initial stress starts to fade. Her comfort zone ain't comfortable for you.

 

When I start falling into a comfort zone that's uncomfortable for my H, he makes it clear to me in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS. He doesn't "discuss" it with me, and he's not "reasonable" about it. We both created the situation that caused our marriage to faulter, and now we both take responsibility for letting our partner know if/when actions are making us uncomfortable.

[whichwayisup]

It may not be the money aspect, but she's doing it for herself. Personal gratification...

 

Talk to her, let her know how you feel. Don't get angry, just tell her that how she is with you makes you feel like you're a roommate, nothing more, nothing less...

 

Communication is really important right now, and if things are going to get better, you gotta speak your mind....

[Hard2Think]

WWIU,

 

No, no, no - I'm not doing that anymore. I've done that waaay to often. It changes absolutely nothing except to make her feel guilty and make me feel like some beggar asking for scraps.

[LakesideDream]

Be very carefull. What you describe is sometimes a symptom of the "end game" just before you get the "I need space" speach.

 

BTW, did you realize that you didn't mention in your post that you love her?

[Hard2Think]

..

BTW, did you realize that you didn't mention in your post that you love her?

 

Oh gimme a break ..

[VinaAmez]

I'm sorry your marriage isn't what it SHOULD be. Why don't you move on?

 

Sure you can try talking to her again but TBH, I don't think it will matter.

[Hard2Think]

I'm sorry your marriage isn't what it SHOULD be. Why don't you move on?

 

Sure you can try talking to her again but TBH, I don't think it will matter.

 

A) Because I don't want to be away from my kids. We're very close. That's right now the only reason I don't move on at this point. I waver between saying I need to stick it out for the next 9 years until my youngest is in college. Other times, I just want to get out.

 

B) I think you're right.

[LakesideDream]

Hard, If it were up to me, I'd give you all the breaks. I lived through what you are for a couple of decades, providing for my family, raising my kids to the best of my ability (with a disinterested wife) and making the best of it.

 

From a personal standpoint, I feel extremely sad, cheated and unappreciated now (after it's been over six years). ALL the really good years of my life were devoted to my family, without much positive reinforcement from my spouse.

 

I was trying to say, obviously to crypticly (my fault) was that you sounded to angry in your post to try to save your marriage. Maybe you are, and I won't blame you. I wish you all the luck, you are in a very difficult situation.

[Hard2Think]

Yep. You know it!

 

Hard, If it were up to me, I'd give you all the breaks. I lived through what you are for a couple of decades, providing for my family, raising my kids to the best of my ability (with a disinterested wife) and making the best of it.

 

From a personal standpoint, I feel extremely sad, cheated and unappreciated now (after it's been over six years). ALL the really good years of my life were devoted to my family, without much positive reinforcement from my spouse.

 

I was trying to say, obviously to crypticly (my fault) was that you sounded to angry in your post to try to save your marriage. Maybe you are, and I won't blame you. I wish you all the luck, you are in a very difficult situation.

[silktricks]

Talk to her, let her know how you feel. Don't get angry, just tell her that how she is with you makes you feel like you're a roommate, nothing more, nothing less...

 

Communication is really important right now, and if things are going to get better, you gotta speak your mind....

 

Sorry, WWIU, but I absolutely disagree. Do get angry. In fact, get mind-blowing over the top angry. H2T, you and your wife are on a ridiculous merry-go-round. and. it. has. to. stop.

 

You two went through hell not all that long ago. If your wife understood so little about your issues that she's right back at the SAME EXACT THING, then GET angry. But do not stay in a marriage for your kids. What's going to happen is that you're going to have another affair, threaten to leave, or leave, realize again that you still love your wife, and wham the merry-go-round goes round. You don't need that, your kids don't need that, and your wife doesn't need that.

 

Get mad. or get out.

[Ruby Tuesday]

You had an affair and almost left her for the OW before OW went psycho last summer, and if I remember correctly, it wasn't your only affair. There were actually two OW, am I right?

 

You expect people to feel sorry for you, but it is her that I feel sorry for. I really do. Why? Because if I was your wife and I read what you wrote here last summer about your love for the OW, I'd never look at you the same again.

 

I'm sorry, but, the way you have demonized and dishonored this woman (BW) and justified your actions for the last year and a half on this board, it makes me wonder what she even sees in you anymore.

 

To me, it looks like she is trying to rebuild a life without you, just like you did to her. I think you are getting what you deserve, Hard2Think.

 

You didnt care when she went away on her trip on the last thread you posted. You were just glad she was gone. You didnt miss her. You didnt want her... but now you want her? Sounds like fuzzy FWS logic to me.

[Scrivdog]

Welcome to marriage. You'd think after all that crap you guys have been through, she'd pay more attention to that particular problem. There's no solution, I'm living proof of that.

[Hard2Think]

Maybe you're right. Whatever the reason, we are where we are. Period. I don't think there is anything I can do at this point.

 

You had an affair and almost left her for the OW before OW went psycho last summer, and if I remember correctly, it wasn't your only affair. There were actually two OW, am I right?

 

You expect people to feel sorry for you, but it is her that I feel sorry for. I really do. Why? Because if I was your wife and I read what you wrote here last summer about your love for the OW, I'd never look at you the same again.

 

I'm sorry, but, the way you have demonized and dishonored this woman (BW) and justified your actions for the last year and a half on this board, it makes me wonder what she even sees in you anymore.

 

To me, it looks like she is trying to rebuild a life without you, just like you did to her. I think you are getting what you deserve, Hard2Think.

 

You didnt care when she went away on her trip on the last thread you posted. You were just glad she was gone. You didnt miss her. You didnt want her... but now you want her? Sounds like fuzzy FWS logic to me.

[silktricks]

Welcome to marriage. {snip} There's no solution, I'm living proof of that.

 

What unutterable BS. There's always a solution, the solution just may not fit in your little scrawny slice of acceptance, so instead of going for a solution you go for a pacifier.

[Scrivdog]

Ruby T,

 

Yeah and let's forget all about the 1000 bull**** things she's pulled on him all these years. She's trying to have herself a sexless, cake-eating marriage of her own. So he's supposed to be celibate? When are you women going to learn that you mistreat your husband, you lose your husband. Don't like it? Too bad. Then remain single and get yourself a cat farm.

[Scrivdog]

What unutterable BS. There's always a solution, the solution just may not fit in your little scrawny slice of acceptance, so instead of going for a solution you go for a pacifier.

 

Ok .. let's hear your solution! Lemme guess .. "talk to her", "warm bubble bath", "go to MC". Am I getting warm?

[Mz. Pixie]

If your wife understood so little about your issues that she's right back at the SAME EXACT THING, then GET angry. But do not stay in a marriage for your kids.

 

I agree. She just seems like she's never going to "get it" or she just doesn't care. I'm leaning towards she just doesn't care.

 

What's going to happen is that you're going to have another affair, threaten to leave, or leave, realize again that you still love your wife, and wham the merry-go-round goes round.

 

I agree with this- I'm leaning more towards you having another affair because of the neglect. You do NOT want to go out that way H2T- trust me when I tell you that.

 

You'll start remembering how wonderful it was to have someone give a sxht about you and your anger will lead you back down that path again.

 

This is why I divorced rather than mend my marriage after my affair. I knew that my exh was never going to change and it really felt too good to have someone care about me. I knew eventually I'd start missing that, be angry about it and perhaps go down that road again. And I didn't want to EVER go down that road again!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Ruby T,

 

Yeah and let's forget all about the 1000 bull**** things she's pulled on him all these years. She's trying to have herself a sexless, cake-eating marriage of her own. So he's supposed to be celibate? When are you women going to learn that you mistreat your husband, you lose your husband. Don't like it? Too bad. Then remain single and get yourself a cat farm.

 

 

As a woman I agree with this- why do women just not get how important sexual satisfaction is to men!!!!

[Hard2Think]

Hey great to see you here. No I won't have another A again. I don't want to hurt my wife anymore with that.

 

I also don't want to go through that stress of lying and making up excuses and appeasing the OW because I have no time. I get a headache just thinking about it.

 

But yes, I think you're right. Nothing is going to change. I don't knwo if she absolutely doesn't care. But I definitely think she doesn't care enough to give the issue any more than very low priority.

 

I agree. She just seems like she's never going to "get it" or she just doesn't care. I'm leaning towards she just doesn't care.

 

 

 

I agree with this- I'm leaning more towards you having another affair because of the neglect. You do NOT want to go out that way H2T- trust me when I tell you that.

 

You'll start remembering how wonderful it was to have someone give a sxht about you and your anger will lead you back down that path again.

 

This is why I divorced rather than mend my marriage after my affair. I knew that my exh was never going to change and it really felt too good to have someone care about me. I knew eventually I'd start missing that, be angry about it and perhaps go down that road again. And I didn't want to EVER go down that road again!!!

[silktricks]

Ok .. let's hear your solution! Lemme guess .. "talk to her", "warm bubble bath", "go to MC". Am I getting warm?

not even close. I was thinking more in the line of screaming in her face, and if that didn't work, divorce. I'm just adamantly against an affair under any circumstances.

 

AND I think staying married for the kids sake is self-sacrifice of an undue proportion.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm with Silk. Complacency should no longer be tolerated. If it were me... I'd throw a tantrum that'd be fit for any diva worth her salt.

 

Order her into counseling. And if she refuses.... divorce her. If the kids are your priority, there's no reason they shouldn't continue to be your priority.

 

You apparently assume that YOU will be the one giving up the house and kids. Why do you think so? These days your spouse can be screwing his mistress right on your kitchen table and in most states you can't even put him out of the house. Just because you're the one who cheated, H2T, doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be the one walking away with nothing.

 

Don't 'buy in' to the propaganda that men always get the shaft. Bottom line... if you fail to plan, you've planned to fail. It's not necessarily about who's got an innie or who's got an outtie. It's about who played to WIN.

 

For once... Step up the the plate and make some NOISE. You've already seen what conflict avoidance gets you. What do you have to lose?

In a choice between going to counseling or finding a new place to live... what do you think she's gonna choose?

[whichwayisup]

I guess i just thought that if she actually 'saw' your saddness and not just anger, it would hit her harder, that's all. I do see your point H2T and everyone elses.

 

I do know neither of you can go on like this, something MUST change either way.

[Hard2Think]

It's not that I necessarily want to avoid conflict per se. My issue is that I would view any further attempts at affection for me as being the result of her bending to my will out of fear of another outburt from me.

 

While that probably makes sense for behavioral issues, I don't know that it does in the case of love. If I went postal because she tapped out our credit cards, or if she gambled all day, then I can see where this would be effective.

 

But what am I going to do? Demand that she act happy when I come home? Demand that she enjoy sex with me?

 

As to counseling, I think that will be effective only if she decides she wants to go on her own to resolve something she recognizes as a problem. But if she is coerced into going under threat of expulsion from the house, then I suspect that the sessions will be a waste of time.

 

So bottom line is that I agree that she may behave differently if I strong-arm her, I just don't think I want sex under duress. Sorry if I seem picky

 

I'm with Silk. Complacency should no longer be tolerated. If it were me... I'd throw a tantrum that'd be fit for any diva worth her salt.

 

Order her into counseling. And if she refuses.... divorce her. If the kids are your priority, there's no reason they shouldn't continue to be your priority.

 

You apparently assume that YOU will be the one giving up the house and kids. Why do you think so? These days your spouse can be screwing his mistress right on your kitchen table and in most states you can't even put him out of the house. Just because you're the one who cheated, H2T, doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be the one walking away with nothing.

 

Don't 'buy in' to the propaganda that men always get the shaft. Bottom line... if you fail to plan, you've planned to fail. It's not necessarily about who's got an innie or who's got an outtie. It's about who played to WIN.

 

For once... Step up the the plate and make some NOISE. You've already seen what conflict avoidance gets you. What do you have to lose?

In a choice between going to counseling or finding a new place to live... what do you think she's gonna choose?

[Topper]

I don't know your whole story. Really that doesn't matter. I was for many years in the same situation. My now ex was having a great time doing what she pleased when she pleased without much consideration for me and my feelings. The lack of sex might be the most prominent part of your dissatisfaction . But isn't more her total lack of care for you? She just does not think of you or your feelings. Does it seem like she just does not want to send any time with you? It seems like she doesn't have any love for you and might not have much respect either. It is said that men need sex to feel loved and woman need love to have sex.

Go talk to a Lawyer. Find out exactly what your options are. Once you have established how you stand. Now get your ducks in a row. Once you have done that give her awake up call. Let her know that you have gone to a lawyer. You are ready to file. Don't yell don't get angry. Be cool and collected and calmly tell her how you feel.