amaysngrace Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Who would withhold sex on purpose? I must be odd or something but when I was married and stopped wanting to sleep with my husband it was the beginning of the end of my marriage. No matter how bad things got between us I almost always would have sex with the guy regularly. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 No matter how bad things got between us I almost always would have sex with the guy regularly. Yeah, you are a special case. Maybe you could try withholding anal, then? Just a suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Maybe you could try withholding anal, then? Or better yet maybe I could shove one of my toys up his in a hostile moment? Link to post Share on other sites
Dadaal Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Withholding sex is a crime against either party involved in a serious relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Or better yet maybe I could shove one of my toys up his in a hostile moment? You'd have to get his pants down, first. But I guess you could manage that pretty easily. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 You'd have to get his pants down, first. But I guess you could manage that pretty easily. Yes I could...wasn't much there propping it up, if ya know what I mean... Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Husbands, when they are the principal bread winners, often use money to control their wives, either explicitly or implicity because of their growing dependence and narrowing options as the years go by. Controlling sex a bit (not overdoing it), just balances out the scales. Men also expect to be the rule makers, but the modern marriage contract does not seed that to them. Again, moderating sex a bit evens out the scales. Finally, women are not service stations for men's excessive sex drives. So often women are made to feel they must comply, no matter how much more their husband's want it than they do. I have to limit my husband or I won't enjoy it at all--I might as well give it out most when he is nicest. Yeah, I have to admit it can work when the relationship sucks and the guy is a pussy. You have to ask though, in that case why bother staying? If you've fallen so far as to use sex as a tool of manipulation instead of an act of pleasure or love, then it's time to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Actually, it has the opposite effect. Depends on the guy and whether he is a henpecked wimp or a real man. The former will respond by trying to be nicer, effectively begging for sex. The latter will just dump or divorce you, then find a woman who views sex in a more healthy way, instead of using it as a tool of manipulation. And some guys in-between wimp & real man (i.e. 50%+ of actual men) will cheat on you as a cop-out, because they want sex (without manipulation) and don't have the balls to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Generally couples don't have the same appetite for sex and it is the man that wants more. Men expecting women to bend to their needs, rather than limiting themselves to their wive's inclinations is excessive. Ditto for women having higher appetite for discussion of feelings. It's one thing if a guy finds it genuinely difficult to talk about emotions. It's quite another if he deliberately shuts down emotionally to artificially alter the behaviour of his wife/gf. Covert manipulation has no place in an honest relationship, regardless of gender. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Also known as "The Lazy Bum Husband Report" I prefer to look at it as white-collar pimping. Put her out in the boardroom, make her earn that cheese whilst I drink beer and watch sports all day. You women figured this out a long time ago but now the smarter men are catching on Link to post Share on other sites
mrmaximum Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Well, I think this whole thread is further validation of the 60% divorce rate (1st time marriages) I don't agree with everything that you say, but this one is too true!! The more I read some of the posts on this site, the more I'm glad I found my fiancee. I had no idea she was so reasonable until I came here. It was said that sex isn't special, I also have to say that it was said by a woman. To men it is and you are playing with fire by treating it simply as a transaction. "Women need attention just as much as guys need sex" That gem of wisdom came from a poster from another site and I never forgot it. By controlling your spouse in this manner, you are shaking the very foundation of your relationship. What would be said if your spouse started deliberately shunnning you to get their way? It may not have the exact same affect, but in time, I bet there would be quite a few p!ssed off wives, yeah? One more thing, I understand that with two people there can be a power struggle at times, but sex shouldn't be used as the weapon of choice. In my case, (and I do know that I'm the exception) I began to resent my ex for hanging this over my head which did indeed lead partly to the desctuction of our relationship. There where times when I was dying for it and I found the willpower to just go to sleep so that she would know what if felt like. Just as Alphamale said, there are far too many choices out there for someone to be doing this, remember you are toying with the very thing that tells your spouse that you love them, it could very easily blow up in your face. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane22067 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Withholding, and more broadly using moods to motivate men requires subtlety and that you have a good sex life to start with. It takes positive reinforcement as well as withholding affection (more often than go all the way to withholding sex) to get the reaction you want. I know several women who do this instinctively, and others who are more purposeful, who get very good results. It might not sit well with men who read this but that is not my concern. Why objective is to generally make my husband happy but also to see to it he makes me happy too. Link to post Share on other sites
mrmaximum Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Manipulation, and more broadly using moods to motivate men requires subtlety and that you have a good sex life to start with. It takes positive reinforcement as well as withholding affection (more often than go all the way to withholding sex) to get the reaction you want. This is simply the same thing by another name. Maybe us men here will get upset about your stance, then again, we are just warning you about what may happen, your husband is a man, yes? What do you think he would say? You are both adults, wouldn't communication work better like some of the other posters have mentioned? Unfortunately I can't quote the exact source or article but I read in a Men's Health two years ago about this same topic. Guys sometimes figure out that they are being manipulated and the results aren't always pretty. I would assume men (not boys mind you, but MEN) would like to think that their wife regards them as equals and not as an animal that would have to be rewarded or punished with a basic need to get wanted actions performed. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 For me, and my relationship, sex is not a weapon, an olive branch, nor a prize to be awarded. It is a beautiful physical and emotional intimacy that brings pleasure on all levels. It's the one thing that I share with my partner (and vice versa) that is not shared with anyone else. The world gets the benefit of any other good attributes we have, but sex is ours alone. I honestly think that true withholding of sex is passive/aggressive in nature. jewellery? The spelling police are all over this one. You're under arrest for abuse of the English language. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane22067 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 I honestly think that true withholding of sex is passive/aggressive in nature. The spelling police are all over this one. You're under arrest for abuse of the English language. No doubt, and that is one reason it works so well with men. They have need to be in charge, and with that the obligation to ensure our complecency. A good husband wants his wife's approval. Signaling with affection and coolness is a good nonconfrontational way to respond to his actions. If he is smart he will learn what pleases you and do it. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 I honestly think that true withholding of sex is passive/aggressive in nature. The spelling police are all over this one. You're under arrest for abuse of the English language. No doubt, and that is one reason it works so well with men. They have need to be in charge, and with that the obligation to ensure our complecency. A good husband wants his wife's approval. Signaling with affection and coolness is a good nonconfrontational way to respond to his actions. If he is smart he will learn what pleases you and do it. Okay, I'll bite. What is so wrong with confrontation of the ACTUAL issue in a calm, communicative way? I'm reading this as using one thing to address something completely unrelated. I hope I am misunderstanding, but if not, I don't agree, yet don't have to live with your ways of dealing with problems. I admit that I want my SOs approval, but I don't understand how passive/aggressive behavior, such as withholding sex, affection, food, housing'/clothing (life's basic needs, or anything else for that matter) would gain that approval. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane22067 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 You haven't had sex with me. You have to have sex with a woman who really knows her business and one worth really wanting to understand Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 You haven't had sex with me. You have to have sex with a woman who really knows her business and one worth really wanting to understand Oh, okay, I totally understand , now. Believe me, I do. It ALL makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 I don't agree with everything that you say, but this one is too true!! Thanks for the validation, Mr Max (can I call you "Max"?) Actually, I mean that sincerely. And I don't expect anyone to agree with everything I say, but I do appreciate being heard. The more I read some of the posts on this site, the more I'm glad I found my fiancee. I had no idea she was so reasonable until I came here. Good for you! Sounds like you've got a keeper! Now just be sure to remember that in 10-15 yrs when the urge is to settle into complacency (believe me, I know of what I speak). I wish you much marital happiness. FWIW, I was low libido in a nearly sexless marriage for many years. (Thank goodness I got that libido prob taken care of.) But I did not use sex as a manipulation. I think that's hitting way too hard below the belt (no pun intended). That's just exploitation of a guy's (or gal's, as the case may be) vulnerability, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
mrmaximum Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Much obliged, Sally. much obliged. I learned (and learn) a lot from being on this site, and I apply it in my relationship where I can. It really is amazing what you can learn from other people, yeah? As for the soon to be wife, yeah I know I'm lucky, yet another reason that I come here to remember that others where in the same boat and then let happiness slip because of complacency. As for this thread; I was afraid that there would be a ton of woman saying "You go girl, that is the only way to fly" and I was very suprised (and appreciative) that so many women realize that in the long run it will only decay your relationship. Saying that manipulation of your spouses needs sparingly can be effective is like saying that the careful use of choking oneself can be good safe way of having fun. Men view sex as the way you show them love. Because of that when (if) they realize what is going on, they will think that you dole out love to them when they are doing something "correct", the way a sugar daddy doles out money to his plaything. Not a happy realization when he thought that he was on equal footing with his partner. Take it anyhow you want to, that is not equal, no matter how you view it or believe that it is, he will see it that way. I'm appalled at some of the attitudes in regards to this, your spouses needs are not to be written off in such an off hand manner or to be used against him, I'd say the same thing if the situation was reversed. If things go down (and men have a way of figuring things out) it will take more than an industrial strength power shovel to dig ones way out. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Much obliged, Sally. much obliged. I learned (and learn) a lot from being on this site, and I apply it in my relationship where I can. It really is amazing what you can learn from other people, yeah? As for the soon to be wife, yeah I know I'm lucky, yet another reason that I come here to remember that others where in the same boat and then let happiness slip because of complacency. As for this thread; I was afraid that there would be a ton of woman saying "You go girl, that is the only way to fly" and I was very suprised (and appreciative) that so many women realize that in the long run it will only decay your relationship. Saying that manipulation of your spouses needs sparingly can be effective is like saying that the careful use of choking oneself can be good safe way of having fun. Men view sex as the way you show them love. Because of that when (if) they realize what is going on, they will think that you dole out love to them when they are doing something "correct", the way a sugar daddy doles out money to his plaything. Not a happy realization when he thought that he was on equal footing with his partner. Take it anyhow you want to, that is not equal, no matter how you view it or believe that it is, he will see it that way. I'm appalled at some of the attitudes in regards to this, your spouses needs are not to be written off in such an off hand manner or to be used against him, I'd say the same thing if the situation was reversed. If things go down (and men have a way of figuring things out) it will take more than an industrial strength power shovel to dig ones way out. mrmaximum, I couldn't agree more. I am a woman, for the record. Sexual needs are equal, in the best of circumstances. Mine are met, but if I was forced to give "odds" I would say that I am more willing/demanding in the nature of sex. I'm not unhappy, but if that comes to pass I would make my needs known and choose to leave before withholding relations as a way to "get" anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Horse Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 You haven't had sex with me. You have to have sex with a woman who really knows her business and one worth really wanting to understand You know... If I had to choose between: A) a woman who knows her business, does it often and is at least good at pretending she likes sex with me, but occasionally uses it to get what she wants. or B) A woman who is indifferent to sex, usually just lies there, and most often seems to have some reason not to be available. I would pick option A. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane22067 Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 You have figured it out Link to post Share on other sites
mrmaximum Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 mrmaximum, I couldn't agree more. I am a woman, for the record. Sexual needs are equal, in the best of circumstances. Mine are met, but if I was forced to give "odds" I would say that I am more willing/demanding in the nature of sex. I'm not unhappy, but if that comes to pass I would make my needs known and choose to leave before withholding relations as a way to "get" anything. As I said I learn a lot from being here and am somewhat surprised to hear that there are woman who would want sex more than men, didn't actually think that it existed to be honest. Good to hear about your good line of communication, I have come to realize that it is ESSENTIAL to any LTR. The wife and I where watching The Amazing Race one day where she made a statement that floored me. She had mentioned the fact that the pairs of people who seemed to perform the best on where people that didn't get too flustered and where still able to communicate to each other despite their circumstances. Yes it is just a show, but the example wasn't lost on me. Sacrifice your communication and your sacrificing your relationship, I understand that now thanks to the wife. Cheers Oh, BTW, your other post (#93) had me in stitches Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 There is a difference between not wanting sex with your partner, over affairs, or resentment, depression or whatever, and withholding sex to be manipulative. I think alot of men confuse that. What's that saying? Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. Yeah, that's a little bit sarcastic, but the genders to have different needs when it comes to sex. Oftentimes, a sexless or nearly sexless marriage is sad, confusing and lonely for the wife as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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