Moving in together? What can I do?

[Guest]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months. The problem with this is that he lives on the other end of the city (about a 45 minute drive, and he doesn't have a car), and because of our work schedules we have not been able to see each other as much as we would have liked. About a month into our relationship I was complaining about my money problems and he suggested that I move in with him. I kinda laughed at this and told him that it was WAY too early in the relationship for that sort of thing. Besides, I have been living on my own for the last year and 1/2, and I really enjoyed my time alone.

 

Lately though, I have been thinking about moving in with him. Nothing really serious, just sort of daydreaming about it from time to time, usually the day after I spend a night with him. He's told me that he misses me when I'm not around - when I leave his apartment he can smell my perfume on his pillow and wishes I was still there. I can't really say the same for myself since he's never been to my place, but I hate leaving him when I get up in the morning, and wish that I could spend all day with him, but I usually have stuff at home that needs to get done.

 

Since I have been thinking about it so much but don't want to move the relationship into overdrive so soon, I began thinking that if things were still going good around May, then we could talk about moving in together. But things have changed, and I don't know if it's for bad or good. He just got laid off from his job yesterday and doesn't know what he's goin to do. He was offered a job in another city six hours away in February, and if he doesn't find work here by then he will probably have to take this job and move away from me. If that's the case, then I will most likely break up with him, because I don't want to have a long-distance relationship. He has enough money to last for the next month and is going to try hard to find work here, but it's not an easy task in this city (although he said he usually has no trouble finding work). Plus, he does not know where he's going to live until then. He asked if he could move in with me. I would let him, except my apartment is *very* small, and I don't think I could stand living here with another person. Just living here with myself sometimes drives me crazy! But on the other hand, I don't want him to leave!

 

I've been taking this as some sort of sign that maybe we should move in together. He told me that in his past relationships he has begun living with the other person almost immediately, and this is the first time a girl has not moved in with him right away. As for my part, I moved in with a guy 3 months into our relationship and that actually went very well for two years - in another relationship I moved in with someone within 6 months, but I knew in my heart that it wasn't a good idea (which it most definitely wasn't). With this one, I don't have a feeling either way, except that I know I still enjoy my 'by myself' space. If we could find a 2 bedroom apartment where I had my own little room to do my stuff in, it would be great! But...agh...I don't know! The fact that he's not working right now really threw a wrench into everything and I don't know what to do.

[mighty bop]

It just depends on how much you like this guy I guess....Personally I think if you move in with someone (as tempting as it is) without being married to them would only make things worse. You'll get tired of each other and fight a lot and actually become attached at the hip. You both will get cell phones and call each other every hour to see where each other is and stuff like that. OK maybe it won't go like that. But my friend is in a relationship like that but there relationship is based on non-trust. I don't think you two should move in together. Tell him to get a job then find his own place and/or get a roommate.......

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

 

I commend you for not jumping into this living together thing. I'm in the same place as you, in some respects...when I was younger and in a relationship, I would have jumped at the chance to live together, but now, I really do enjoy my 'space' and the thought of never having any real space/time to myself, it's a concern.

 

A few things about your post stood out to me.

 

1) The fact that he doesn't have a car. Why on earth is that? Even if a person takes a taxi or subway to work, don't they usually have a car, so that during 'off work time', they are free to get around? go shopping? go for a drive? travel to visit friends/family? Has he explained WHY he doesn't have a car?

 

So basically, since you've begun dating, you've been the one to always go see HIM (cuz you said he's yet to go to your house), you're the one who does all the driving when spending time together? Doesn't that seem kind of unbalanced/weird to you? I know it would bother me. I like a guy who's independent and has the freedom to get out and about, and not have to rely on others to get around.

 

2) The fact that he's never been to your place. Is this just because in order for this to happen, you'd have to drive the 45 minutes to where he lives to get him, bring him back, then drive him home, then you drive back home? Is it related to him not having a vehicle? Have you never invited him? Surely there must be transit bus service in your city, or subway, or LRT.....so that he could get there. You'd think he'd WANT to see where you live, how you live, spend time in "your environment"??

 

3) the fact that he freely admits that in past relationships, he's always moved in with the women "almost immediately." I don't think it's healthy or normal to quickly jump into living with someone...unless there are ulterior motives. Curious to know if in these past relationships where he shacked up quickly, if he didn't have a car then either........or a job? Pretty handy for a guy to want to move in with his new g/f if she's the one with the wheels.

 

Are you even positive that he HAD a job? Did he really JUST get laid off, or could it be that he's simply not even had a job? Do you know with 100% certainty that he's had a job? (cuz anyone can say they do, then 'suddenly' proclaim to have been laid off).

 

I ask because truthfully, there are a lot of people out there who are scammers and leeches........who don't or barely work, who don't have a pot to p*ss in, no vehicle......jump from one relationship to the next and immediately want to live together.......(you did say that he brought this up only one month into your relationship!)..........which is surely convenient for them. Cheap rent, free rides, perhaps a sob story like "hunny, I'm trying to hard to find a job but I'm not having much luck....can you make my half of the rent this month? I'll pay you back JUST as soon as I find a job."

 

Other than for these above reasons, I'm now always leary of guys who want to rush things......and living together is a pretty big step. Do they want to move in together so quickly because they're needy and need someone to take care of them? Do they have problems taking care of themselves (paying the rent on time, paying the utilities, knowing how to shop for groceries, knowing how to make a meal, do their laundry, etc), and want to 'find a lil' woman' who'll fill some kind of mother/caretaker-role?

 

Frankly, I'm suspicious about the timing of his getting laid off. Call me a skeptic, a cynic, overly-suspicious, but aren't you right..this sure does throw a wrench into things. Now he only has enough money to live for a month, doesn't know where he'll live, and is asking to move in with you, tells you this story about some job 6 hours away/that starts in February. Call me crazy but it almost seems like a carefully orchestrated plan to convince you that you two should and need to live together..in order for you to remain a couple...of course, putting a lot of pressure on you........ Seems kind of fishy to me.

 

Okay, so he currently has enough $ to last one month. And he "apparently" has this new job lined up for February, unless he can find something in your city, prior to then. So say you did let him move in with you now.......at most, he can afford to split the rent and costs for 2 months....then what happens? You get stuck paying for everything because you love him and the poor guy just can't seem to find a job? Then, not only will you be totally supporting the guy, you'll be his chauffeur, his maid, etc. And what will he be doing all day while (I'm assuming) you're at work? Just hang out and watch TV? Surf the net?

 

Be very careful. I'm sure he seems like a great, straight-up guy, but many a con-man have appeared to have these qualities, too. There are definite 'red flags' here......(as mentioned above).......and his being laid off 2 days ago, just seems too coincidental to me. The timing is suspicious, considering him having asked you to move in together 1 month into your relationship, and his admission that he's shacked up quickly in past relationships.

 

Keep your eyes and ears open. If he's any kind of a man, he needs to fend for himself...and that means getting out there and finding a job, and ensuring he can support himself. What type of work is he in, anyway?

 

Keep us posted as to how things progress.

[Ally Boo]

First of all, its kinda rude for you to mention moving in with him. That is his dwelling place, and seeing as how you've only been together that short time, I think that it's very much out of place for you to even suggest that.

 

He doesn't have a car?! What?! If it were ME in the situation, I'd let him miss me and FIND a way to get a car to see me. Girl, you are enabling him. Do you HONESTLY want to live with someone who can't even get his personal life straight?!

[Just A Girl2]

Ally I think you misread something in her post. It was her boyfriend, who after a month of dating, suggested they live together. She's never ever brought it up, has only thought about it "to herself." Now, since he's been laid off, he's asking about trying it, again. He's the one who's got the problem, I think. Reread it.

[Ally Boo]

My appologies....

 

Yeah I think there is a big red flag on that. I would NOT move in with him. I did that one time with a guy who had a lot of debt...and when he asked me for my paycheck to pay "our bills" it really pissed me off.

 

But then again, I'm sensative about my money...