How can I communicate how I feel to my therapist?

[Fun2BMe]

I have been seeing a great therapist for about 5 months now. He has been helpful and I like him a lot.

 

One problem is that for the last several sessions, he treats me in a very upbeat mood, tells me how happy he is to see me and all that. He creates this feel-good environment which in hindsight seems artificial to my state of mind. For the hour, things feel and seem great, I talk about all these wonderful things happening in my life and he feels proud that he's been able to 'cure' me of my problems and depression.

 

Then as the days go by, my true feelings resurface, things I'm upset about that I simmer in. I want to get back to the 'dark' days when I would cry and complain about how miserable things were, but now I feel like I don't want to burst the happy bubble and instead put on a happy face.

 

How do I communicate honestly with my therapist without hurting his feelings or undermining his professional skills? He seems to also pick the topics we discuss. Because he's so experienced and well saught after, I have been placing all my faith in him that he knows what he's doing, but I end up not talking about the things I want to talk about.

 

I don't want to change therapists either. I have to give him credit that he has been miracle like as far as the progress I have been having with him, especially how he so successfully got me out of an unhealthy relationship and back on my feet in a short period of time among other things which I'd never be able to do or don't think anyone else would've been successful in getting me to do.

[norajane]

but now I feel like I don't want to burst the happy bubble and instead put on a happy face.

 

How do I communicate honestly with my therapist without hurting his feelings or undermining his professional skills?

 

Why did you go to therapy? Wasn't it so you could learn how to express your true feelings instead of avoiding them and then turning them into huge problems in your head? Wasn't it so you could learn to be honest with others about your true feelings? Wasn't it so you could learn to stand up for yourself when you were miserable about something instead of going into denial and pretending everything was fine?

 

Your therapist isn't all that great if you are doing the EXACT thing with him that you went to him to get help to stop doing.

 

Write down a list of things you want to talk about before each session and then pull the list out while you are there. And TELL him what you NEED to talk about!

[alphamale]

well F2BM....if you feel better when you walk out then when you walked in then he is doing his job....even if the effects are temporarily. But you should bring up points you want to discuss also. Remember that you are paying him and you're the customer. I don't know....maybe he's using reverse psychology or something?

 

-alpha

ain't no Sigmund Freud:laugh:

[Fun2BMe]

Maybe I just don't know how to use therapy. I mean, I mentioned this minor problem I was having with a lady. Sometimes we want to only vent, but he took up a large part of the session having me roll play what to tell her.

 

When I saw the lady, she had just told me a mutual friend had died so the issue I had a problem with didn't even come up until unexpectedly in the future, at which time I felt off guard and didn't use the roll playing monologue I was supposed to and the problem still persists. If I simply express it to him, he will again take up precious therapy time going into it and I don't want to spend my money dealing with an issue with this lady I hardly care about so I end up feeling this frustration of not getting the issues I more care about resolved.

 

Another problem is that he wants me to attend these lectures he gives to a select group of people (he's kinda famous so it's like a privelege to spend an evening with him) but the problem is that my ex bf is in his close circle of friends. Part of my therapy is for me to be 100% over my ex to the point that if I were to bump into him, I'd act casual without getting emotional. I tell him I don't want to go, but he says if I don't, then I'm hiding.

 

So last month I agreed to go and thank goodness the ex wasn't there. At therapy he was proud that I went to conquer my 'fears'. I do not fear my ex though, I just genuinely hate him and don't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me. He leaves messages now and then and emails saying he hopes we'll at least bump into each other some time and I want to prove him wrong. I think I'm more over him than both he or my therapist realize and my not wanting to be in the same room with him has nothing to do with my being 'chicken' or hiding, but I don't want to ever see him again.

 

Should I always just follow whatever my therapist tells me to do, talk about the topics he chooses, and let him expand on the roll-playing for example on an issue that I don't think is worthy of therapy time? That's why even if I have a list of things I want to talk about, some just to share with him and not necessarily to dwell on or get feedback on, every topic that I do bring up, he turns it into an issue to disect and analyze and it is really getting on my nerves. So what exactly should I do?

 

I really don't want to get the feedback to change therapists. For all I know the same thing will happen with another therapist only it'll be a much less competent therapist. I think this is a problem I have and I think he can't help me because I do a good job covering it up.

 

Alphamale, I don't know what you mean that he's doing reverse psychology.

And Norajane, you're right that I'm seeing him so he can help me with these same exact problems, but he doesn't know I have them to this degree because I hide them and don't know how to share all this with him.

[norajane]

I think this is a problem I have and I think he can't help me because I do a good job covering it up.

 

And Norajane, you're right that I'm seeing him so he can help me with these same exact problems, but he doesn't know I have them to this degree because I hide them and don't know how to share all this with him.

 

I think this is so ironically ridiculous, I can hardly express it. You are paying this man to help you with your problem about hiding your problems from people and yet you are hiding your problems from him. Now you are posting about problems you are having with your therapist and are afraid to tell him. YOU ARE PAYING HIM. You have the right to say anything, especially if he is directing your therapy in a direction that is not helpful to you.

 

I think you need to step back and start over. Stop bringing lists of things like what happened with the lady or small things you want to vent about. Next time you see him, tell him that you are having difficulty in telling him what problems you are having and want to talk about. Print out this thread and give it to him.

 

He CANNOT help you if you hide your problems from him.

[Fun2BMe]

One of my ideas is to not give into the happiness at our next session. I will remain in a serious, somber state and have him poke my head around to find out what is troubling me. It feels like a relationship where I want him to read my mind, I shouldn't have to spell it out that I'm upset about certain things, I mean why else would I be seeing him.

 

It's just so confusing and I'm feeling frustrated. I don't want to hurt his feelings either like he's not treating me right or I don't feel comfortable enough to say what's on my mind after he's made a big effort to make me feel comfortable about doing so.

[norajane]

One of my ideas is to not give into the happiness at our next session. I will remain in a serious, somber state and have him poke my head around to find out what is troubling me. It feels like a relationship where I want him to read my mind, I shouldn't have to spell it out that I'm upset about certain things, I mean why else would I be seeing him.

 

It's just so confusing and I'm feeling frustrated. I don't want to hurt his feelings either like he's not treating me right or I don't feel comfortable enough to say what's on my mind after he's made a big effort to make me feel comfortable about doing so.

 

HE CANNOT READ YOUR MIND no matter how much you think he should.

 

His feelings will not be hurt - he is a professional doing his job. It's not about feelings. It's about you paying him to help you.

 

He is not your boyfriend; this is not a personal relationship. You cannot sit there and sulk and hope he picks up on what your problem is.

 

He cannot help you unless you TELL him what your problem is. Why is this so hard for you to understand and accept?

[Fun2BMe]

HE CANNOT READ YOUR MIND no matter how much you think he should.

 

His feelings will not be hurt - he is a professional doing his job. It's not about feelings. It's about you paying him to help you.

 

He is not your boyfriend; this is not a personal relationship. You cannot sit there and sulk and hope he picks up on what your problem is.

 

He cannot help you unless you TELL him what your problem is. Why is this so hard for you to understand and accept?

 

I feel like just because I pay him doesn't mean I now own him and can make him listen to me whereas in a natural setting which I create, he doesn't pick up on the things on my mind or what I am feeling. I pay for his time and experience and help but it's not like I am suddenly going to turn into this different person who indulges in initiating all this talk about herself.

 

Imagine how good he is that with this behavior he has been already able to help me so much. It's just that recently I was calculating all the money I've been paying him and all the months that have gone by, and I am getting mad at myself at the thought of the possibility of how much more he could've helped me by now if their wasn't a communication problem with me, so he'd better know what my problems are. I really don't know how to get around this.

 

Another thing that has been troubling me as of recently is that I've been re-reading his book and in it he discusses all these wonderful strategies he uses in his practice, and I'm like why hasn't he used some of those techniques on me? THen I realized he thinks I'm doing better than I really am, so I can't just walk in and say listen, I am more troubled than you think. He'll think I'm crazy.

[norajane]

The only way to get around this is to TELL HIM.

 

Print this thread out and give it to him at your next session. He needs to understand what your problem is. He needs to understand that you are the kind of person who simply cannot speak up - even to a therapist you are paying to help you.

[alphamale]

so I can't just walk in and say listen, I am more troubled than you think.

sure you can F2BM....trust me, he ain't gonna hear anything he hasn't heard before. you need to open up sister. Imagine going to the emergency room and they asks you about your symptoms and you keep quiet....come on!

 

-alpha

the M.D.'s for mad & demented:)

[Fun2BMe]

Well, I think one of my fears of expressing how I really feel to him, and this would be the case with any therapist, is that he would want to put me on medication. On my first session he said if he thought I needed medication he would refer me to his colleague to write it up, and I can't get that out of my mind.

 

In the beginning I was being my depressed self full of all these problems, so the feel in the air was 'one more session and if she's not doing better time to write up the prescription.' I think he was holding back on it because I told him my past experience when I saw a psychiatrist that on the second visit she was eager to put me on medication and when I said no she said I was refusing treatment and things didn't go well. I stressed that I wanted someone to listen to my problems and provide behavior therapy.

 

I was so down and out, and being myself, so he helped me a lot. THen I got self conscious and thought if I slip up, time for the prescription so now I struggle to put on a show that things are just wonderful, especially if he initiates that atmosphere and I don't want to be the 'party pooper.' I just don't know what to do to get me out of this situation so I can get the help I need right now, without fear that I'll make him think I'm crazy, or that he's incompetent or for me to hurt his feelings or make it so our sessions won't be as fun.

 

If I'm at the medical doctor's, there's no relationship built, and it's easier to say what's bothering me. Here, I'm scared of getting hurt if he refers me to a prescription, like I'm crazy or that he doesn't want to put time into me and only wants a quick fix, something like that.

[polywog]

Well, I think one of my fears of expressing how I really feel to him, and this would be the case with any therapist, is that he would want to put me on medication. On my first session he said if he thought I needed medication he would refer me to his colleague to write it up, and I can't get that out of my mind.

 

In the beginning I was being my depressed self full of all these problems, so the feel in the air was 'one more session and if she's not doing better time to write up the prescription.' I think he was holding back on it because I told him my past experience when I saw a psychiatrist that on the second visit she was eager to put me on medication and when I said no she said I was refusing treatment and things didn't go well. I stressed that I wanted someone to listen to my problems and provide behavior therapy.

 

I was so down and out, and being myself, so he helped me a lot. THen I got self conscious and thought if I slip up, time for the prescription so now I struggle to put on a show that things are just wonderful, especially if he initiates that atmosphere and I don't want to be the 'party pooper.' I just don't know what to do to get me out of this situation so I can get the help I need right now, without fear that I'll make him think I'm crazy, or that he's incompetent or for me to hurt his feelings or make it so our sessions won't be as fun.

 

If I'm at the medical doctor's, there's no relationship built, and it's easier to say what's bothering me. Here, I'm scared of getting hurt if he refers me to a prescription, like I'm crazy or that he doesn't want to put time into me and only wants a quick fix, something like that.

 

Hi F2B, Just remember that he is a tool for YOU to get better. You do not have to get meds if he suggests them if you don't want to take them. You're employing him! He's not your parent or your boss. He can only work with what you bring openly to the sessions. You are creating scenarios here to keep yourself from opening up to him, and I think NJ's suggestion of printing out this thread and bringing it to him is a terrific idea...do it! The opportunity to grow from this problem you are having is going to be a gift.

[whichwayisup]

Fun, remember what I said right from the start about distorted thinking? Well, when it comes to your therapist, you gotta remember that HE is the professional one and even if you feel you two have a 'relationship' and you think it's personal and you're worried about hurting his feelings - Trust me, you will not hurt his feelings. You are his client. He is taking your money and doing a job, helping YOU get better. He isn't going to get upset or mad at you, he isn't going to take anything out of context because he IS your therapist, not your personal friend. Yes, he cares, but not on the level you think he does. It's his job to care...Keep that in mind. He isn't emotionally attached or emotionally involved with you like you are with him...I really hope this makes sense to you.

[Fun2BMe]

Hi F2B, Just remember that he is a tool for YOU to get better. You do not have to get meds if he suggests them if you don't want to take them. You're employing him! He's not your parent or your boss. He can only work with what you bring openly to the sessions. You are creating scenarios here to keep yourself from opening up to him, and I think NJ's suggestion of printing out this thread and bringing it to him is a terrific idea...do it! The opportunity to grow from this problem you are having is going to be a gift.

 

But then he could do a word/phrase search and find this site and read my posts, which I can't risk happening. I'm also scared to let him know all these things. Also, he had a 'homework' assignment for me which I was supposed to have done this morning by meeting someone he wanted me to, which I flaked out on. I don't know if I should be honest with him about the fact that the exercise was something I was prepared for, or make an excuse like I wasn't feeling well and couldn't which is what I'm planning.

 

It's disappointing that the one person I'm supposed to trust and open up to, who I pay just for that, I can't even do it.

[alphamale]

hey F2BM....is this the same therapist you're in love with? if so then you should find another therapist cause its clouding your judgement and therfore your cure.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun, remember what I said right from the start about distorted thinking? Well, when it comes to your therapist, you gotta remember that HE is the professional one and even if you feel you two have a 'relationship' and you think it's personal and you're worried about hurting his feelings - Trust me, you will not hurt his feelings. You are his client. He is taking your money and doing a job, helping YOU get better. He isn't going to get upset or mad at you, he isn't going to take anything out of context because he IS your therapist, not your personal friend. Yes, he cares, but not on the level you think he does. It's his job to care...Keep that in mind. He isn't emotionally attached or emotionally involved with you like you are with him...I really hope this makes sense to you.

 

It makes sense, but it also hurts my feelings. I think that's why I feel uncomfortable opening up to him. I used to open up to him, but as soon as the hour was up he'd end the session and it would hurt my feelings, reminding me he's listening only for the duration I have paid him for. I think that has made me feel hurt because in the beginning I thought we had this amazing relationship.

 

Then the things you say about how he's detached came into focus, especially when he would subtley look at the clock, and I just can't open up to him. It's no different than being with someone who you feel doesn't REALLY want to hear your problems so you end up keeping your mouth shut about your personal issues. So I feel stuck, if that makes sense. Also, his next patient after me is a girl and I think she must think have the same impression towards him I initially did, that our relationship is special and he probably makes her feel like that too, so I have this burried hurt or anger towards him too, like he was only misleading me to believe he REALLY cares, that I'm so special and he really wants to hear about my problems and cares, when it's all about the minutes I buy from him.

[whichwayisup]

The session are an hour Fun. Him ending the session is not supposed to hurt your feelings...You're internalizing this and honestly, this is all in your head. Alpha is right, if you feel so inlove with him, you better find another therapist. You don't have a "relationship" with him. He isn't inlove with you, he isn't your boyfriend. I really hope you understand that!

 

You also have to remember, you're not his only client! So when the hour is up, someone else is waiting....When he looks at the clock, he's checking to see how much time is left in your session. That's part of the job...Don't take that personally.

 

You really need to emotionally detach yourself from him on that level and think of him as just your therapist. Someone who is helping you through your issues. If you feel you can't open up to him anymore, seriously, find another therapist - A woman - to talk to.

[bridget_jones]

I know what you're talking about. What I have learned with my counselor is to start the conversation myself when I come in when I have an issue I want to discuss. I had a real issue two weeks ago, and I came in, sat down, I was visibly anxious and upset. I stated first thing "I need to talk about something, it's been really an issue with me all week." We talked pretty much the whole hour about it and he really helped ease my mind. He gave me some good advice, and it turned out he was absolutely right. The next session he asked me about the "issue" from last time the first thing, and I appreciated that.

[Fun2BMe]

The session are an hour Fun. Him ending the session is not supposed to hurt your feelings...You're internalizing this and honestly, this is all in your head. Alpha is right, if you feel so inlove with him, you better find another therapist. You don't have a "relationship" with him. He isn't inlove with you, he isn't your boyfriend. I really hope you understand that!

 

You also have to remember, you're not his only client! So when the hour is up, someone else is waiting....When he looks at the clock, he's checking to see how much time is left in your session. That's part of the job...Don't take that personally.

 

You really need to emotionally detach yourself from him on that level and think of him as just your therapist. Someone who is helping you through your issues. If you feel you can't open up to him anymore, seriously, find another therapist - A woman - to talk to.

 

It's exactly when I did come to terms with the fact that I don't have a real relationship with him, that I'm just another patient he counts the minutes with, that I have clammed up. I guess when I used to think he 'liked' me, I felt he was interested to know about my problems on a level above a patient/therapist level and I opened up.

 

When it hit me like a ton of bricks that he goes home to his wife, as soon as our hour is up he doesn't give me another thought but instead goes on to his next patient, I seem to have frozen up and can't talk any more. Instead I smile and pretend everything's just fine and wait for him to read my mind to find my problems to prove he really does want to hear about them. I don't think it would be different with any other therapist, male or female. The thought that they are listening to me only because I am paying them to is hurting my feelings.

[whichwayisup]

Then you need to understand the concept of therapy Fun. It's not what you've made it out to be, the sooner you accept that the better off you will be. This isn't some buddy or close friend who is hanging out with you, holding your hand...This is a therapist who you pay well to HELP you, give you coping skills so you can learn more about yourself and handle situations better. If you can't get past the fact that a therapist is doing their job and not a personal friend, then you might as well quit therapy because it won't help you.

 

I am sorry and I know this hurts you, but please, take a step back, be realistic and think about it...I think in a day or two what we're all saying will sink and you'll see things in a different and healthier light.

[Fun2BMe]

I know what you're talking about. What I have learned with my counselor is to start the conversation myself when I come in when I have an issue I want to discuss. I had a real issue two weeks ago, and I came in, sat down, I was visibly anxious and upset. I stated first thing "I need to talk about something, it's been really an issue with me all week." We talked pretty much the whole hour about it and he really helped ease my mind. He gave me some good advice, and it turned out he was absolutely right. The next session he asked me about the "issue" from last time the first thing, and I appreciated that.

 

That's how I want to be. Go in, say what is troubling me and take advantage of his help. Instead I am sidetracked about what he will think of me, about the fact he cares to listen only because he is being paid too and that we don't really have a relationship. I feel like he may have led me to believe we did early on, then he backed off and I felt the reality all of a sudden so I have anger that he made me feel so close to him in the beginning, only to turn into a therapist now.

 

In the beginning he never looked at the clock or took other calls. Now he has this large clock placed right on the table facing him and every time he glances at it, I feel like he's waiting for the hour to be over and I can't bring anything up that will end up leaving me hanging once the hour comes to a close.

[Fun2BMe]

Then you need to understand the concept of therapy Fun. It's not what you've made it out to be, the sooner you accept that the better off you will be. This isn't some buddy or close friend who is hanging out with you, holding your hand...This is a therapist who you pay well to HELP you, give you coping skills so you can learn more about yourself and handle situations better. If you can't get past the fact that a therapist is doing their job and not a personal friend, then you might as well quit therapy because it won't help you.

 

I am sorry and I know this hurts you, but please, take a step back, be realistic and think about it...I think in a day or two what we're all saying will sink and you'll see things in a different and healthier light.

 

Yes, you are so right. I should take it at face value as therapy and not want it to be a friendship instead. I think I should make a list of my problems then narrow it down to the key items I would love to have his help on, then make it a point to weave it into our conversation. Maybe if I focus on what I want help on, I can better communicate it to him instead of starting from nowhere out of the blue and then feeling like my problems weren't solved after the hour.

[norajane]

It's exactly when I did come to terms with the fact that I don't have a real relationship with him, that I'm just another patient he counts the minutes with, that I have clammed up. I guess when I used to think he 'liked' me, I felt he was interested to know about my problems on a level above a patient/therapist level and I opened up.

 

When it hit me like a ton of bricks that he goes home to his wife, as soon as our hour is up he doesn't give me another thought but instead goes on to his next patient, I seem to have frozen up and can't talk any more. Instead I smile and pretend everything's just fine and wait for him to read my mind to find my problems to prove he really does want to hear about them. I don't think it would be different with any other therapist, male or female. The thought that they are listening to me only because I am paying them to is hurting my feelings.

 

Treat him like a medical doctor. He is there to understand your symptoms and help you heal your mind instead of your body.

[bridget_jones]

I find it really works to just walk into the office and start off with "Hey, I had a REALLY rough week, there have been some things going on with me since we last talked." If he starts off on a topic you really don't want to spend time getting into, answer the question with the above. It's not rude at all, IMO.

Then he's forced to address the issue you want to address. And I am not usually an in-your-face assertive type person. It's not hard to do, really.

[Faith2]

Is there more than one clock in the room? I think it would help if you could also see a clock during your session.

 

My therapist has a clock on the table next to me that's facing her PLUS another clock on the table next to her that's facing me. We both glance at the clocks throughout the session. That clock actually helps to keep me mindful of making the best use of my time there.

 

In past therapy relationships I have been guilty of trying to please my therapist. That's a bad habit, but you can get out of it. For starters, you can simply admit it: "I've been trying to please you instead of telling you what's really on my mind." I said that to my therapist... it was easy, really.

 

I also said "I don't want to go on meds." Fine. She came up with alternate treatment for me.

 

Nowadays I walk into my session and say "This week has been confused / horrible / better than last week"... whatever... and then we take it from there. My introductory statement sets the tone. Then we go to work on "Here's what happened and here's how I'm feeling about it."

 

To be fair to your therapist, you have to realize how many people he sees in a day. Those "hour" sessions are actually 50 minutes... he needs 10 minutes between each one to take notes and then refresh his mind for the next person. Most therapists see a therapist themselves. It's hard work and it can get emotionally draining.