Once a cheater, always a cheater???

[PJF]

My boyfriend and I have only been dating for about three months now. Initially, we started as a casual fling. But things took off and we ended up falling for each other. After a few weeks of casual dating I asked him to be my boyfriend. Things were great.

 

Two weeks ago I made a really stupid decision to invade his privacy and read his journal. I found out that just days prior he had cheated on me. He was having doubts whether or not he could be in a serious committed relationship with me. So he made the conscious effort to hook up with someone to figure things out. He wrote that he didn't feel guilty at for what he did but that he did realize that I'm the only person he could ever want or need. He wrote all these lovey-dovey things about me and how much I mean to him, etc.

 

I confronted him about this a few days later. He was very angry with me because I read his journal. And he couldn't figure out why I was upset because even though he did cheat on me he also expressed his desire to be with me, and only me from now on out.

 

In his mind it was perfectly okay to cheat on me because we've only been dating for a few months and because it helped him realize what he really wanted: me.

 

I decided to give him a second chance and see if we could work past this. Of course things aren't the same. I only feel good and secure when I'm physically with him or on the phone with him. At all other times my mind races with thoughts of him fooling around with someone else. When ever I get the chance I want to sneak a peak at his cell phone records to see who he's been texting and calling. I want to browse his emails. In essence, I want to invade his privacy again just to make sure he isn't fooling around with anyone when we're not together. This definitely isn't healthy. This is no way for me to feel in a relationship.

 

So a few days ago I talked to him about my concerns he got really defensive with me. Eventually I told him that maybe we shouldn't be together anymore but I also told him and I felt like I was making a huge mistake.

 

After some heated discussion, crying, hugs, and lots of silence I agreed to take a few days to reevaluate things. As soon as I got back to my apartment he called me, crying. He's afraid of loosing me. And you know what...I'm scared of loosing him, too.

 

While I know he really does care for me and truly wants to be with me I still can't forget about what he did. We don't see eye to eye on these kinds of relationship issues. He thinks I'm over reacting and even said that because I read his journal, I'm getting exactly what I deserve. And he even expressed his concern that my need for monogamy is akin to getting married minus the living together aspect. He went off saying that, "people have desires and people make mistakes." He even said that if I had cheated on him it would be okay. Cheating, in his mind, really isn't that bad. But of course he then went on to tell me that he wants to be in a monogamous relationship with me because he truly believes we belong together.

 

I don't know if I can trust him. I know there are people out there that can truly love someone and still cheat on them on the whole "what they don't know can't hurt them" principle. I feel like he might be saying anything to me simply so I don't leave him.

 

While I know that if this had happened to any one of my friends I would have told them to leave in a heart beat. So why haven't I done just that? I feel so lost and confused.

 

Is there room for a healthy relationship after something like this? How can we make this work if I decide to continue with our relationship? Or are we so different in our ideologies that a committed, open and truthful impossible?