Trouble at home, want to leave but can't sever ties

[Guest]

I'm a 20 year old male, and I am in complete hell. As a psychology major in college, I can see some of the causes and solutions to at home problems, but lets face it, I am no PhD holding therapist yet. This is why I am turning to the internet for support and [hopefully] sound advice. My therapist is very good, but I can't come up with $120 every week to see him. Spending any grip of money like that just isn't reasonable right now. Anyways, on with the problem...

 

Like many others on this forum, I have an emotionally abusive mother, and a father that isn't much better. My therapist and I have agreed that the best solution to the problem is to sever all ties until I feel comfortable with keeping a distanced relationship. I tried it and failed after three months. I couldn't make it happen financially.

 

I come from a family with a fairly high income. My dad owns a plane, and my mom doesn't have to work. Neither of my parents are educated beyond high school, which is why neither of them can understand the value of a college education. In fact, they downright rejected my plea to let me transfer from my 2 year community college to a 4 year university, despite near-perfect grades and the emotional enrichment/attitude improvement school has given me. They have no problem purchasing their luxuries, but god forbid they help their only child out a little when it comes to his future. Their excuse: "Forget it, pay for it yourself; everyone else pays for college themselves, not their parents."

 

That's all fine n' dandy; I'd gladly pay for my own college education if I could. But guess what? Financial aid goes off one's parents income. Their income of 70k makes me uneligible for financial aid. It is literally impossible for me to pay for school on my own. I even turned down my acceptance in to Berkeley because I *knew* there would be no way for me to pay for it, even if my parents had a change of heart. Well I don't know who they got to talking to--they probably saw all of their friends putting their kids through college and realized they should help their kid out too--but they agreed to pay for some of it at a cheaper state college. Sounds great, right?

 

Wrong. My parents know I can't afford college without them. I can't stand to be in their company. I can't stand the insults, overt name calling, one-sided arguments, dictation, anger-eruptions, racism, or their "scare tactics." I just want to break away, again. But I can't. If i set them off, (which is bound to happen), I will have the entire college bill in my name--an impossible feat.

 

I am transfering to the school this Fall. I have 4 1/2 more months at home. How do I stick it out? I feel depressed and worthless just being at home. I can't move out again, it's too expensive. If I piss them off, they cancel the loan and I can't go to school. If I move away and never contact them, they cancel the loan and I can't go to school.

 

I wish I could just break apart completely, and never contact them again. I feel so trapped. Every thing I do is constantly scrutinized or judged or put down. They are so into social status that I sometimes think they are putting me through Sonoma is to gain approval from their group of friends. I'm stuck; I can't do anything. Thank god I'll be living on campus in August and won't have to see them too often.

 

I've tried writing letters and talking to my mom in a mature, respectable fashion. She ends up yelling at me for belittling her or thinking I am "above her," just for trying to tell her how I feel.

 

Writing this post has been therapeutic in a sense, but I'd like to get some answers to the following questions, if you're willing that is:

 

1. My mom picks a lot of fights. When I argue back, the fight escalates to a shouting match. So I no longer shout or argue back. I sit and listen, and say "ok" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or any other assertive, non-aggressive terms, but these upset her even more! If I remain silent and just listen, she yells at me for "acting superior by not saying anything." What can I do to remedy these everyday occurrences?

 

2. She threatens me a lot. When I moved back home, its like I went back to 12 year old status. I'm 20. I'm employed. I'm a full time student. In her eyes, this isn't enough. "You aren't pulling your weight, I outta kick your ass out! You don't pay rent! You're in my house, play by my rules or get out!" (ironically, she hasn't worked a full day in the last 15 years and definitely doesn't own the house/pay the bills). How can I handle her threats? I realize she is never going to change, but her threats make me feel worthless, and I'd like to build up a "psychological immunity to them."

 

3. She tries to control every aspect of my life. She wonders why I sit in my room by myself every day after work/school. I'm depressed! I'm depressed because of the way I'm being treated at home, and because I don't know how to handle her abuse! I want to get out more, but my room is comforting (when someone isn't screaming at me through my door). How can I break my "security blanket" qualities of my room? I see my girlfriend on the weekends (she lives an hour away) and I usually stay a few nights which turn out to be the best part of my week, but then the problems come right back when I come home. Am I feeding into her controlling attitude by giving her details about my life? I don't want to, but she keeps prying! I also have a major problem lying to my parents, which prevents me from doing pretty much anything a normal 20 year old does.

 

4. How can I survive for the next 4 1/2 months and live a happier life? I just don't feel accepted. I'm a vegetarian; according to my mom "that's a pussy diet; eat some meat, you need protein. You eat ****ty food. Eat this." Apparently veggies, fruits, grains, and small amounts of dairy are unhealthy for me, and red meats are? Why can't she just let me be the vegetarian I've been for 2 years? I'm not dead yet! Not being accepted for what I am and what I've become is the worst. How can I deal with this?

 

5. Interrogations, interrogations, interrogations. I'm 20 years old. I want to have SOME aspects of my life private. My mom does not have the right to know my sex life. It's not out of her being concerned, its about her needing to satisfy her gossip craving. She spends eight hours per day in front of the television set. The programming consists of soap-operas and Entertainment Tonight (hollywood news). When I say I don't want to talk about something, she prys me, yells at me, or takes it as an insult. How can I handle these interrogation demands?

 

 

6. I've felt like I've had to grow up really fast. When I hang out with my girlfriend's college friends, I find that I don't fit in. They all have a great time partying or hanging out, and I find myself being anti-social, refusing to knock-back-a-few-drinks (even though i want to) out of guilt of letting my parents down. Sometimes I see them as immature and foolish, and maybe they are, but I really feel like the fun has been sucked out of me due to my situation at home. How can I break free of this highly structured life and enjoy myself? How can I muster up the confidence to just "let go" and stop being afraid of disappointing my emotionally abusive parents?

 

This post is very long, and it was written very late at night, but I would greatly appreciate any response you are willing to make. My life is depressing right now, and any sort of guidance would help me greatly.

 

Thank you for reading