Repost: Cocaine? Oxycontin? Cheating

[VASA9653]

Cocaine? Oxycontin? Cheating?

Hi,

This is my first time posting on here but I'm in need of help, or maybe just understanding. I think I've spent the last three years of my life in denial.

 

The issue is my boyfriend, if you can call him that. I think he may be addicted to drugs, maybe even cocaine specifically. Let me start from the beginning.

 

My bf and I started dating 3 and a half years ago, and it was great. I knew he smoked pot, and had tried other drugs previously, but had just done them once or twice. He insisted that he was strictly a pothead and other drugs disgusted him. He also said I never had to worry about prescription drugs because they made him sick and angry, and he is one person who hates to feel ill. I know he drank once a year to fit in for New Years but that was it. His father was an alcoholic and he hated the stuff. Anywho, we had a pretty good relationship at first except for a few occasions where we ran into the normal guy stuff where he stood me up to hang with his friends.

 

I ended up moving away to go to college and we had a great long distance relationship. I found out more recently that while I was gone he started taking oxycontin occasionally and started drinking. I moved back after only a semester and moved in with him. He seemed so different. Depressed, detached, thinner, more cracked out looking. At first our relationship was great, but then one of his friends moved back into town and I noticed he was lying a lot, going out all of the time, staying out until the wee hours of the morning, and even didn't return home one day after work. He insisted he wasn't cheating. This was right after his mom had a health scare and he said he locked himself in the basement and got high (he didn't admit that until afew months ago).

 

In the end he ended up telling a whopper of a lie to get me to move out. He said that he had gotten arrested while I was out of town and our landlord was kicking us out due to it. I didn't beleive it but just went ahead and moved out. Soon after I moved out he started disappearing.

 

For an entire summer he would come around for a week or two and everything would be back to normal, then he would disapear for a week to three weeks. He would completely avoid me. Finally I tracked him down at work because i found out that I was pregnant and needed to at least tell him, he broke down on the phone and said "I really have a problem". When I asked what it was he couldn't tell me because he was at work. He later told me he had been doing oxycontin regularly. I finally told him I was pregnant and he seemed genuinely happy. He stuck around for about a week and near the end I could tell he was really struggling. He was breaking down and crying for no reason, late picking me up, "having to work late". Finally he was gone.

 

I ended up losing the baby and had no way of reaching him to tell him. A couple of months passed and we started talking again. During that time he admitted that during that summer he started using cocaine and ecstasy and was addicted to oxycontin but that he had stopped. Things were great for about a month, but the entire time I was feeling that maybe the whole problem was that he was cheating. He really doesn't have female friends, is really kind of sheltered and doesn't talk to girls, but everything blew up the night of my birthday when I saw a girls number pop up on his phone. I broke up with him.

 

After he left I began thinking that he was using that whole time. He had a lot of strange signs, like blowinghis nose all the time, bloody noses, and he would come over friday after work all pumped and excited to spend the weekend with me, then friday night or saturday morning he would come up with an excuse to go home. Then when his car died on him he needed me to give him a ride home, but when we'd get in the car he'd ask me to give him a ride to his friend's apartment (a drug user) and said his friend would give him a ride home.

 

I eventually gave up on him January 2006 and decided to move on. I ended up in a very abusive relationship and pregnant. During this time he and I became great friends. He was supposedly at rock bottom, had stopped doing cocaine, had stopped oxycontin after it interferred with his work, was seeing a psychiatrist, and he was ready to make ammends. So I let my guard down. I eventually found out a lot of truths while he worked his butt off to get me to trust him again. The girl we broke up over wasn't a threat at all, she was someone he traded drugs with. He insisted that he never cheated, that it was all partying and depression that kept us apart.

 

Well, he stayed around and we ended up trying to have a relationship again while I was pregnant (from sept 2006-january 2007). It was better than ever. We both were so happy. We worked through a lot of problems. He even was excited about the baby I was having. He was a wonderful supportive guy. Which he never was before. Problem is, in late december I noticed two occasions when he told me he had to worklate and when he came home he was wired. I mean WIRED. He is like a totally laid back guy who doesn't get excited about much, or freaked about much. But these two times he was talkative and annoying like a small child. He insisted he wasn't on drugs. I even tested him and said let's go get a home drug test. He said okay. I realize now he never got up to get one and always smoothly changed the subject.

 

In January I noticed he started up with the lying again. With my hormones and situation I figured he might very easily have found someone else. I checked his wallet and phone and only found a bunch of atm receipts and from his phone I realized he was erasing numbers. Sad thing is that I checked his phone records and it turns out that they were just his friends (drug users). He admitted to me that he had been lying to me about where he was and he had to erase the numbers so I wouldn't be able to figure it out. SO, I kicked him out.

 

He ended up disappearing that weekend-even his parents couldn't find him. He showed up soon after and was exhibiting strange behavior. Same as before-flighty, excited, talking non-stop, and even (this is strange) came running out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles, mid-wipe, calling me into the room to tell me that he was really happy that I was still talking to him. Again, he insisted he wasn't high, he even got mad at me because I was being so negative. What's wrong with him being happy to be with me???? I pushed him away after that.

 

One day I called him to get some stuff he had of mine, and when he came over he wanted to talk. He found out my battery was dead (I had just had the baby so I needed to have transportation) and said he'd be back the next night to fix it. He showed up, and was in such a hurry to leave. He didn't want to come in the house and begged for my car key like a crackhead begging for a hit. He came in for a minute but said he was getting too hot indoors and felt like he was going to pass out so he wanted to stay outside. Finally I gave in. He disappeard into the night with my car key and my battery. I tried calling him for a week about my key and about my battery, nothing.

 

Finally one day after hassling his mom, I went down to my car and my key was sitting htere and the battery was in. Since that time in January he has been coming and going again. He'll be around and broken down asking for help and wanting to fight for me, but then he'll disappear for two or three weeks. I've been watching his phone records and no girls. Just the same old friends. He has been insisting that there have been no drugs, and when he asks for help, he says it's because he thinks he is depressed or has bipolar disorder. Finally the other day he came back and admitted that last month he dabble in prescription drugs but it was only because he wanted to kill himself. The strange thing is if he is just depressed, why is it that when he talks about going to get help he talks about going to an AA meeting?

 

The current situation is that last monday he came back, depressed, scared he'd lost me. He was begging for help, crying, etc. Again insisting he isn't on drugs, just smoking pot and drinking. He called a few times, but since it's the weekend he is nowhere to be found. It kind of hit me yesterday that maybe I've been in denial all the this time. I went from thinking it was something wrong with me that made him unsure about us, to thinking it was other girls, to thinking he was just depressed and his maturity level made it impossible for him to deal with all of the pressures in my life right now.

 

For the first time I'm really starting to think he isan addict, and that he disappears because he doens't want me to know. My question is, Am I wrong? Does this sound like the pattern of an addict or could it really just be a psychological problem? Is the disappearing due to binges? I know his best friend is addicted to oxycontin, could this be what he is on? Cocaine? Is this why sometimes he seems completely in love with me, and right before he disappears or during his avoidance time he seems like a heartless troll? Please anybody's opinion or advice would be great. I don't know if I'm in denial of a drug problem or if maybe I'm in denial that he doesn't want to be with me, or if I'm in denial that he's running around. There's a part of me that really feels that he is madly in love with me, because when he's normal he is the greatest, and I can see his love for me in his eyes, in his face, ettc.

 

I'm desperate. I've recently had a feeling that something bad is going to happen to him-to be more specific,that he is going to die. I've had dreams every night for the past week of him getting ready to die and I can't get to him to save him. This is what started the re-examination. Now I need to know if it's drugs so I can have some inner peace and understanding,and so I can figure out how to help him.

[PositiveShine]

Wow, that's quite the combo in the title of your post.

 

Most important thing first: YOU can't make him better, that is his choice to make unfortunately. Possibly an intervention w/ family and friends to try and give him a wakeup call would help, but beyond that all you can do is support him should you decide to stay with him.

 

I used to be into coke quite a bit (used the excuse of weight loss, but honestly just enjoyed it and craved it), and would drink to combo it up. It never got to the point of physically missing (I had friends who'd come over to join in, we'd hide it from my roommate), but I was definitely sneaky, mysterious, mentally unfocused and would do almost anything to get my hands on some. If your SO doesn't have a "safe place" in the home to take oxys, do lines, binge, etc., it's very likely his absences would be due to those habits to get away to one. Moodiness/edginess is really common shortly before obtaining/buying a drug, as the person is nervous it will fall through and they are eager to start. Not much else matters, including the people he loves. Unfortunately, I learned those facts first hand and have seen it from others as well as been there myself.

 

All of that aside, I feel like you're focusing on particular details instead of the giant issue that is the most important: Can/will you leave him? I think it's a big step to consider denial about his habits, but in stepping back it's not the possibility of what he's doing during these absences, but rather the absences themselves. Who does that to someone they care about?? People who are out of control in one way or another (addiction, mental illness, etc). Checking phone calls, tracking him down, aside from any substance he's putting in his body, this is all kinds of unhealthy for you and will affect your mind and self worth. You need to take care of yourself, as much as you want to straighten him up. You are not a savior.

 

This person is obviously on substances and in denial, to answer your question. The best advice I can give is to take some time away from this situation completely (no emails, calls, lending things, stopping by) and find a professional who will help you see what's going on and you can get that peace of mind. Spend time with family and friends who are solid and will give you support. This guy needs to either 1) Have a miraculous self-realization and be serious in changing his lifestyle completely and seek help on his own as well; or 2) Hit rock-bottom and get help. But he has to do it by his choice, however he gets there.

 

I hope this helps in some way. You can also attend Al-Anon meetings for those close to addicts/alcoholics, which are free and located everywhere. If you'd like more info, feel free to send me a message.

[Ladywithafan]

You need to read ALL of the posts regarding lovers and drug use!

[Diamonds&Rust]

Has he said anything about cocaine? Ecstasy is an amphetamine, and more likely to make you drop your pants and proclaim happiness like that. The nosebleeds can come from snorting anything, especially oxycontin. In the end, it doesn't really matter what he's on, because he's definitely severely addicted to something.

 

Does this sound like the pattern of an addict or could it really just be a psychological problem?

 

You describe an addict with psychological problems, some coming from his addiction, and probably some that led him to addiction in the first place.

 

This is a problem that won't get better on its own. You should lay off the infidelity suspicions and just tell him that you love him (if you do) and you'd be thrilled to help him seek help for his obvious drug addiction(s) but that you can't be in a relationship with him if he's going to keep it up.