2sunny Posted April 15, 2007 Share Posted April 15, 2007 i would suggest reading a good book together on technique - focusing mainly on foreplay... write him a letter that he can refer to - without making it sound critical of him. allow him to understand that you DO DESIRE him emotionally and physically - however the technique needs to be mastered for both parties pleasure. it is possible that he may also want you to do some things differently to him. tell him you want to explore your sexual possibilities and goals with him.... so as to make that part of your life as wonderful as other aspects in your marriage. it can be looked at as an adventure - or a game of sorts - with personal and coupled growth in mind. good luck to you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 15, 2007 Share Posted April 15, 2007 I honestly couldn't relate to the OP's second explanatory post. I mean, has sex always been that bad between them?? I would find it very difficult to have a longterm relationship with someone that I didn't have an ounce of passion with. True that. But then I'm always struck by the disjointed circumstances in many of the posts here on LS. You know, "We have a great marriage except my Husband beats me" or "My girlfriend is trustworthy except for the 4 times she's cheated on me". Under those circumstances, the OP saying both "he is a really good guy" and "I would rather him be physical with someone else than to go thru the torture that he puts me thru" shouln't come as a surprise... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted April 15, 2007 Share Posted April 15, 2007 Surprised at my rape theory?? Uh...ok. I read the words...torture, uncomfortable, hurt, painful horrible time, he just gets pissed off, just want it over with. That sounded all too familiar to me.... I have never been in a *relationship* with a man that disgusted me in the bedroom...other than my ex who was an ass. So, that is where I went with my advice. I honestly couldn't relate to the OP's second explanatory post. I mean, has sex always been that bad between them?? I would find it very difficult to have a longterm relationship with someone that I didn't have an ounce of passion with. This is not rape, she is not telling him no she's just stating how uncomfortable it is. When someone says no, then you start entering the rape scenario. She also stated she loves him, which to me indicates she is willing to make some uncomfortable sacrifices for him, again I don't think rape is in this picture at all. Not wanting to have sex could be many things, there should be some investigation into why this is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 This is not rape, she is not telling him no she's just stating how uncomfortable it is. When someone says no, then you start entering the rape scenario. She also stated she loves him, which to me indicates she is willing to make some uncomfortable sacrifices for him, again I don't think rape is in this picture at all. Not wanting to have sex could be many things, there should be some investigation into why this is happening. (*sigh*) Didn't I JUST have this conversation with Mr. Lucky? Rape doesn't always start with saying no first. When I was raped by my ex, I couldn't say no to him. If and when I tried to say no, it just caused more trouble for me in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 i would suggest reading a good book together on technique - focusing mainly on foreplay... This is a GREAT suggestion. The thing about getting a book or two is that they make a terrific focal point for conversation. Some of them offer a bit of sensual photography, which might perk his interest enough that he's willing to spend some time perusing it on his own. It really does sound like this guy could use a few pointers, and you have an opportunity here for a third party (the author) to educate him on the importance of taking a bit of direction from his partner. When he wants to know why you bought the books, that's the time to tell him that even though you like being intimate with him... there's room for improvement. He'll probably respond better outside the bedroom than he does when he's feeling vulnerable or frustrated as he might be during intercourse. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 I agree here too, however the problem could be deeper than her not liking sex. It may simply that the emotional connection between them is lost, and we all know that when that well runs dry the S/O starts finding their mate unattractive and sometimes disgusting. If that is the case, then no book will help and outside intervention may produce results. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
grapeape Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 It's NOT rape??? What! Rape is about control..not violence. She doesn't like sex. However, she does it against her better judgement to satisfy him. He is controlling her and manipulating her in the process. That my dear is rape. I remember many nights being *guilted* into having sex with my boyfriend..now ex. I would cry the entire time he was on me. NO, it wasn't violent, it wasn't dramatic...but, the feeling of giving my body to a man to let him "get off"...was very degrading to my self-esteem. If I didn't have sex with him, I was made to feel like something was wrong with me. It wasn't just sex...it was about control. And I had a professional abuse counselor explain that to me. What did I learn from that LIFE experience? That I AM IN CONTROL OF MY BODY. NO ONE, I don't care if he's my "loving :rolleyes:" husband, will ever MAKE me feel as though I HAVE to have sex to meet his needs. What kind of man would need sex so badly that they will resort to taking it unwillingly from their spouse..girlfriend...whatever?! In a healthy relationship, sex is ALWAYS mutual. Luvtoto it is unfortunate that you had a therapist who gave you bad counsel. That is most certainly not rape and most people in this room have concurred with that. Let me ask you, when you were having sex with your controlling boyfriend did you tell him (directly) to stop ? that you do not want to have sex with him ? Point blank ? If you did and he continued than yes it could easily be considered rape. If you just felt controlled and guilted into the situation, than that is not rape. That is poor judgement on your part and insensitivity on his part. I truly feel bad for you that you had to go through that, but don't go throwing around the R word just to validate your own bad experience and lack of courage to tell him to stop (assuming that you did not specifically tell him to stop). She is making the same type of choice. She doesn't like the sex but she feels that the high road is to just go along with it rather than make waves. It's a bad choice as well but, again, it is not rape. You should seek another opinion from another therapist who understands mental health a little better. Geez! Link to post Share on other sites
justanothermother Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 therapist who gave you bad counsel. The people that work in the abuse centers are usually not licenced therepists. They are volunteers that spend anywhere from three days to two weeks in training. Not professionals by any means. I agree that seeing a professional would be for the best, if this is not already occuring. Link to post Share on other sites
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