How to Realize it's Over

[Heartache11]

It's a bad day for coping, perhaps because I am starting to get sick.

 

It's been two months since the break-up and I feel like I'm not getting better. I don't understand how he could just cut off a two and a half year relationship without trying to work things out. I was great to him, maybe too great and he took it for granted. Maybe he broke up with me because we have been through this before, got back together, and he'd know I'd stick by him after the break-up.

 

He said feelings faded but then another time he'll say he was scared we were getting too serious, too soon. Basically, he'll blame it on anything in the book. I wish he would just open up and communicate with me about why we can't work this out.

 

We still talk, but it's always on his terms. He'll say I'll call you later, he won't, and I'll wind up calling him and he'll play it off as if it's nothing. He'll say he forgot but I think deep down I know he's doing it on purpose. The minute I bring up talking about this he will hang up. I am always wondering if I can call him or if it will make him mad. A part of me thinks he is confused and doesn't know what he wants in his life. He's right, we are young, but that doesn't mean we can work this through. I want to be there for him and that's why I pick up when he calls.

 

He'll be so mean one minute and the next he'll promise me he will look at it again in the future. I say okay. I don't want to annoy him, but I don't want him to think it's okay he can just ditch me like this.

 

I guess I basically don't see this as over, that he is going to realize how great a girl I was to him and come back like last time. But I don't even want him back if he can't open up and communicate with me. Why do I want him so bad then?

[krzr]

stop speaking to him and go no contact or else u will just keep getting hurt. he basically told u that hes ok if you are not in his life when he broke up with u so why do u want to keep talking to him. i guess if u like taking punches and pushing him further away then go ahead but if u stop talking to him tell him your ok with this even thou u are not and start healing instead of trying to figure things out u might get another chance because by ur absense is the only way he might realize u are a great girl but not by ur begging or pleading it to him.

[bchlvr]

Heartache,

 

In the midst of grieving, getting sick just magnifies the wish to connect with the person who was there to comfort us in the past. Grieving takes energy, it's a lot of work. Getting sick leaves you without the same amount of resolve and fortitude. Try not to judge today whether or not you are getting better. Wait until you are feeling better physically before you make any assessments like that. I suspect that you are getting better even if you are still feeling a lot of pain. From what you describe, it sounds as though you feel the rug was pulled out from under you. If your ex ended the relationship suddenly and you didn't see it coming, it may take a while to get your equilibrium back. You've had a significant loss, give yourself time. It's only been two months. That said, I think it is also important to ask yourself how you are benefiting from having contact with your ex right now. You describe him as running hot and cold, unable to communicate effectively and talk through the issues of your relationship and his fears. You seem to be walking on eggshells (not wanting to annoy him, make him mad etc.), trying to "do it right." Getting to the point where you can really see this as over is a process and can take a while. It will happen. But in the meantime, having contact with your ex while holding out hope for a change of heart could be a set-up for a lot of pain. If contact and everything else really is on his terms, then you are foregoing (sp?) a crucial part of a healthy relationship and that is mutual respect and open honest communication. Like many on this forum, I would urge you to go no contact for a period of time so that you can be on stronger footing. It will help you move on and be in a position to make decisions about what is in your best interest from a point of strength. If your ex really wants to make the relationship work he can give you a clear indication of that. So far, it sounds like you are hoping for that outcome rather than it being a real possibility right now.

Keep posting, you are better by doing just that!

[AriaIncognito]

Ok, plain and simple, hes not being fair to you and you deserve 10000% more than he's doing. While I know it's much easier to give this advice than take it, I'd strongly suggest you ditch this guy and try to move forward. He is taking advantage of the situation. Do you really want to live in fear of contacting your own boyfriend? I know what this feels like, as I felt this way with my now ex. I was afraid to ask him to go out on dates, because I feared he'd reject me. Everything was seemingly on his terms.

 

You deserve someone that's willing to consider both your terms, and his terms.

 

I strongly suggest doing what you can to move forward. Do NC if you can, it's truly the only way to get rid of someone from your daily habit. They have to become not a part of your daily life.

 

Good luck.

[2ndIINone]

We still talk, but it's always on his terms.

A big NO NO.

 

You are giving him ALL the power... this power has obviously gone to his head. DON'T give him the satisfaction.

Slowly, if not immediately make things on YOUR terms. If not, pull out ALL together, otherwise, this will go on forever like a repeating cycle. End the BS now, because he sure won't be the one to end it.....since he's got it so easy right now.

[AriaIncognito]

A big NO NO.

 

You are giving him ALL the power... this power has obviously gone to his head. DON'T give him the satisfaction.

Slowly, if not immediately make things on YOUR terms. If not, pull out ALL together, otherwise, this will go on forever like a repeating cycle. End the BS now, because he sure won't be the one to end it.....since he's got it so easy right now.

 

Big agreement with what 2ndIINone said. When you do everything on their terms, you're basically just being a submissive doormat. I should know lol.

 

You deserve to have your own needs taken into account and fulfilled.

[Icantletgo]

I know how you feel. You don't want to let go of what you use to have. The way he would look at you....the way he would hold you and wouldn't let go. But, as i cry while typing this, it's not the same. You know he cares for you, but anyone who truly loves you, won't question being with you.

 

This back and forth kept going on until my ex finally left me for someone else. He lied about this new girl for half a year before I finally found out and he finally confessed he loves her.

 

He still calls me every now and then and we even still hang out...but it kills me. And it'll kill you.

 

Everytime I talk to him, and everytime he talks about her or to her, it kills a piece of my soul.

 

Good luck with your journey.

[AriaIncognito]

I know how you feel. You don't want to let go of what you use to have. The way he would look at you....the way he would hold you and wouldn't let go. But, as i cry while typing this, it's not the same. You know he cares for you, but anyone who truly loves you, won't question being with you.

 

This back and forth kept going on until my ex finally left me for someone else. He lied about this new girl for half a year before I finally found out and he finally confessed he loves her.

 

He still calls me every now and then and we even still hang out...but it kills me. And it'll kill you.

 

Everytime I talk to him, and everytime he talks about her or to her, it kills a piece of my soul.

 

Good luck with your journey.

 

Wow, I really feel your post, icantletgo. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so much pain. Youre right though, it will kill you/her eventually. I felt the same way. It's no way to live.

 

I really hope you are soon able to let go, both the OP and you, icantletgo. I wish it for all of us copers.

[Icantletgo]

hey aria...did you break NC with your ex???

 

Me and him are still trying to be friends....what goes around comes around: he left me for her. She left him for her ex...now she is cheating on her ex with another guy.

 

Is she pretty? HELL NO. She just has big nasty boobs! i'm mature i know

 

The truth is he is just so depressed...and I find myself finding strength in his depression. Is that sick of me?

[AriaIncognito]

We were never on NC this go round. We broke up on 1/30 and started talking via email the very next day and then a month later we were back to hanging out in person again, but not dating (technically). So, did I break NC this time, no. Did I break it back in August when we actually were on it and broken up, yup. And thats why I'm still here, in April, almost a year later.

 

When they don't want us in "that way" we are best severing all ties so that we can move on. Being "friends" right now, isn't possible for me, as I want to be with him and want more from him. He can't give it. I can't make him.

 

So, we are back on NC. And it sucks. Day 1, down.

[Heartache11]

Thank you everyone for your advice and understanding. I made sure I wasn't by my computer tonight when he would be online, and was editing my film for 5 hours. It was hard being sick, but it kept my mind off things. I normally would sit, wanting to talk to him and get upset. I had the urge to call him when I got back but I came on here to post instead. Funny, he told me yesterday he'd call me today and he never did.

 

 

That said' date=' I think it is also important to ask yourself how you are benefiting from having contact with your ex right now. You describe him as running hot and cold, unable to communicate effectively and talk through the issues of your relationship and his fears. You seem to be walking on eggshells (not wanting to annoy him, make him mad etc.), trying to "do it right." Getting to the point where you can really see this as over is a process and can take a while. It will happen. But in the meantime, having contact with your ex while holding out hope for a change of heart could be a set-up for a lot of pain. If contact and everything else really is on his terms, then you are foregoing (sp?) a crucial part of a healthy relationship and that is mutual respect and open honest communication. [/quote']

 

I definitely feel like I am walking on eggshells. I've felt like this a portion of the relationship. Always worrying that nagging him about feelings or bringing my feelings up would push him away or make him mad. He does have an anger problem. I've seen the punchmarks in his bedroom door.

 

You are giving him ALL the power... this power has obviously gone to his head. DON'T give him the satisfaction.

Slowly, if not immediately make things on YOUR terms. If not, pull out ALL together, otherwise, this will go on forever like a repeating cycle. End the BS now, because he sure won't be the one to end it.....since he's got it so easy right now.

 

This is definitely a cycle that I see. When we broke up once before, I was constantly upset and calling and he did wind up taking me back. I guess a part of me is hoping that will happen. Last time, though, he acted more like we were together and we would talk a lot more often. I guess it's hard for me to accept it really is over, especially when he says he's not sure what he wants.

 

Furthermore, I know I am giving him the power. I see that and I left myself fall into the trap. I try my best to not do this, but I can't stop it. This is also a first serious relationship and break-up. I have never been through this before. Perhaps I should seek the counseling here at school.

 

Thank you again everyone.

[Heartache11]

Big agreement with what 2ndIINone said. When you do everything on their terms, you're basically just being a submissive doormat. I should know lol.

 

You deserve to have your own needs taken into account and fulfilled.

 

 

Ariawoman, it seems like you have been that doormat before. What finally made you realize to stop? I think that's where my problem is, when enough is enough.

[2ndIINone]

I try my best to not do this, but I can't stop it.

Wanting, hoping, trying to get someone to treat you a certain way without results tends to hurt ones self asteem. Self respect is lost. No boundaries were set from the start, therefore, repeated mistreatment.

 

Think about it... if he knows what he can get away with because of the past, then he will constantly push you further to see how much you can take in the future... sending you on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

Have you ever found yourself thinking..." Why on earth is he treating me like this??? Why does he keep hurting me??? WHY am I putting up with it???"

 

if so... this is typical of an emotionally beatup self asteem.

 

YOU are #1.... always remember that.

 

Years ago, I was in a similiar situation... put myself into therapy because I just "couldn't stop going back to a toxic GF"... I needed to find out what was wrong with this girl, why she treated me the way she did.... what her mental problems were... thinkin' I was the one who was normal. The therapist, (after two short visits) quickly focused on ME and why I was putting up with the crap. I learned alot.... went from wanting to know what was wrong with the ex.... to learning more about myself and why I SHOULDN'T be someones doormat. It's all about selfworth and setting boundaries.... not only with SO's, but friends, family, coworkers... etc....

[Heartache11]

Think about it... if he knows what he can get away with because of the past, then he will constantly push you further to see how much you can take in the future... sending you on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

Have you ever found yourself thinking..." Why on earth is he treating me like this??? Why does he keep hurting me??? WHY am I putting up with it???"

if so... this is typical of an emotionally beatup self asteem.

 

YOU are #1.... always remember that.

 

It's all about selfworth and setting boundaries

 

I can relate to all of this. I feel like he is doing this to see how far he can push me. He knows how strongly I felt for him and he's using it to his advantage. Before we dated, I was a very strong and independent girl. He pushed and pushed my boundaries and turned me into this. I'm not blaming him, because I let him do it. I don't know what to blame besides it was my first relationship and I had no clue what I should put up with and what I shouldn't. But he also is a horrible person for doing this to someone. He has to concisouly know what he is doing. I guess I will learn from this now.

 

I woke up this morning thinking, hey I don't need this guy or anyone to be happy. I was really on top of things, not wanting to contact him. But I'm down again after class. I go through waves and now I want to call him tonight. I guess thinking of all the good things I've done for him helps me realize I wasn't wrong in this situation.

 

Thank you again.

[amaysngrace]

I don't want to annoy him, but I don't want him to think it's okay he can just ditch me like this.

 

 

Okay sister, this is how it's done where I'm from. I don't mean to sound offensive but seriously, this guy deserves to be offended.

 

Next time he tries to speak to you tell him to f*ck off. Tell him to stop wasting your life.

 

Cause clearly and simply that's all he's doing.

[oppath]

NIIICCCEEE amaysngrace! I pretty much agree. We see all the time people saying "be nice. Think about what you want to say. Don't lose dignity and don't appear to be bitter or upset."

 

Now, there are times when you should act polite and calm, and there are times when you NEED TO BURN BRIDGES!

 

I mean, I spent 2 months beating myself up for not being polite to my ex when she asked to be friends with benefits. She deserved to be told off in a major way. She said in response "I was just joking?" She deserved to be told off for that too, which I did. When I learned her ex proposed to her just before she broke up with me...she deserved to be offended for that too! I only lost dignity in my own eyes and heart because I was still attached to her and I clung to hope, ignoring the fact that I DESERVED BETTER. No way will I settle for someone who put me through what she did. She deserved to feel offended. She needed to know how BS it was the way the breakup went down. I burned bridges in my reaction, and sometimes in life you need to burn bridges. She doesn't deserve to have me in her life.

 

It's the same with the OP. We all fear saying anything hurtful or standing up for ourselves because we don't want to ruin the chance of reconciliation. Sometimes, burning that bridge is the best thing for us. If you truly accept that you deserve more, no, it is not undignified to stand up for yourself and tell someone to f*ck off. Not at all. There are many professions and situations in life where that is how things get done. It is ok to express anger, sometimes aggressively.

 

Maybe the best thing is to just cut off contact all together. Delete his phone number. Delete all emails. It is an individual situation. But if he disrespects you...drop him like a bag of bricks. Hell, throw the bricks at him. It's not the end of the world.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah well oppath I say that if they weren't that good to you in the relationship you had with them that was suppose to mean soooo much at the time, what good are they going to be to you down the road? What could you possibly need them for or depend on them for later on?

 

They are a mere stepping stone of what NOT to want in life only.

[Heartache11]

Okay sister, this is how it's done where I'm from. I don't mean to sound offensive but seriously, this guy deserves to be offended.

 

Next time he tries to speak to you tell him to f*ck off. Tell him to stop wasting your life.

 

Cause clearly and simply that's all he's doing.

 

Haha amaysngrace, we are acutally from the same state so I know what you mean! He is a waste of my life and his life. But at the same time, a part of me thinks he will come around being a whole new person that will communicate. I guess maybe because the whole relationship past the first 9 months was a fantasy of who he could be, not who he was. I guess I saw his true colors?

[Icantletgo]

We want to tell ourselves we see his true colors. we want to tell ourselves we are strong enough to move on and ignore his calls and tell him off and never see him again.

 

but the reality of DOING what we say and what we WANT to is completely different.

 

I didn't do NC. I told him to leave me alone and he did for 2 days then called and showed up at my house unannounced.

 

so now I am back to talking w/ my ex who has moved on to another girl.

 

And i'm left with my insides hurting and my self esteem even lower.

[Heartache11]

but the reality of DOING what we say and what we WANT to is completely different.

 

And i'm left with my insides hurting and my self esteem even lower.

 

I know how you feel Icantletgo. It's a never-ending cycle, that is so hard to break. What will make us realize?

[amaysngrace]

I don't think it's so much about thinking of them as it is about thinking of ourselves.

 

It's like we give them so much of our energy when we should really focus on us. Cause we're great. We're worthy. They're not. If they were they'd be treating us great, ya know?

 

So I don't think it's about their colors at all. It's about our own. We know we're fabulous. And they're stupid if they don't see that. So even if we are alone we're still with someone fabulous...ourselves.

 

And it's better to be alone than with a loser who doesn't treat us like the fabulous creatures that we are

[Icantletgo]

I think we are shocked that the person who would do anything for us won't anymore.

 

We want to talk to them and we want to hold out hope that they'll come back to us....even if we would never be able to trust them anymore, even if we know that the relationship won't work out EVER...we want them to come back to us because that'll give us affirmation that we are good.

 

The shock that they don't want us anymore makes us question our worth, makes us wonder 'WHY DONT THEY WANT US'. I think that is why we can't let go....cause we can't accept the fact that maybe HE'S a jerk or that this is the best thing for us...we want to feel wanted by him so we can feel like there is nothing wrong w/ us.

[amaysngrace]

Re-read your above post and see how obsessed with him you are. His actions, his thoughts, his feelings...

 

can you change any of it? Is any of it in your power to do so? Or is it entirely up to him?

 

See, I just don't get it. You are completely obsessed over things you can't change. I just don't see the point in it all. It would drive me way too crazy to ever go there myself.

[bchlvr]

During our relationship, my ex made all kinds of pronouncements about how "I'm the one, she found home, she has never been so happy....." She severed the relationship so suddenly. I learned she had renewed contact with her ex over late night phone calls and was ambivalent about whether or not she wanted to go back to her ex.

 

All of this was such a shock and for many months I obsessed over what happened, why, what's wrong with me, maybe she'll snap out of it, etc, etc.

I have a tendency to obsess over things anyway and I could not put her out of my head. Night and day I thought about her and our relationship.

 

The one thing that empowered me, in fact, the only thing that gave me some feeling of control and positive change, was going no contact.

I even needed to stop participating in anything where I could possibly see her, hear about her from other people, share listserves where she could write in. It was just too upsetting. I have to say that the obsession has ended and I no longer think about her every second of every day. Bit by bit the pain lessens and sometimes healing is imperceptible...we can't always see it happening as it's happening. I feel infinitely better and very relieved. In large measure, I owe it to not having contact over the past 9 months and gaining strength and validation on this site.

I also see that some of the pain had to do with the fear and loneliness of being on my own without a partner. And while I'm not totally comfortable being un-partnered, I'm doing much much better.

If I allowed myself to have contact with my ex (since it was not a mutual breakup), I think it would have kept me stuck in a destructive cycle where I would not move forward and worse, continually erode my already battered self esteem.

[2ndIINone]

Next time he tries to speak to you tell him to f*ck off. Tell him to stop wasting your life.

 

Jerseyboy here too... and I'm ALL for a good ol' fashion Jersey verbal beatdown... everyone needs to hear it sometime. But sometimes I feel letting someone have it.... shows an angry emotion letting the recipient know he/she is getting the best of them... know what I mean?

 

I save the beatdowns for cheating, betrayal, flat out lying... etc...