Shyness

[pinkroses]

There are times when I really really hate myself for being shy. I've been this way since about fourth grade. Friday night my boyfriend and I went to my company Christmas party. I've only been with the company since August, I started on as a temp and just recently hired on with the company direct. Also, I sit kind of in a corner so although I see people at work, I don't get many opportunities to interact or get to know them, just mostly the girl who sits near me. I can be real friendly, but I have a hard time being the one to reach out.

 

At the party a lot of people got up and walked around to go talk to everyone but I'm more the kind to stay at my table. People came to me to say hi and my boyfriend usually spoke up before I could to introduce himself. He's more out-going than I am..still, I felt like since I was the one who worked with these people that I should have been the one to speak up and introduce him. I felt like I let him down. But I just can't force myself to open up and talk easily, hard as I've tried. It takes me a long time to get to where I'm comfortable with people, even then, in social settings I have a lot of anxiety.

 

We both had a wonderful time at the party and we danced and participated in things, but I always think back later, how I could have talked more or reached out, and I feel bad about myself. My shyness has cost me so much throughout my life. And then all these years I've had to hear people say "Are you always this quiet...you're so quiet..." as if it's the worst trait a human can have.

[Ally Boo]

I used to be that way. While you are sitting there, think about how you'll feel later and regret not doing things...and then just do them then, so you wont have to regret them later.

[Debster]

Try asking someone at work if they want to get a coffee, when you're going to get one. Often one-on-one situations are easier to deal with. The more one-on-one situations you have, the more people you will know in a crowd and hopefully at the next office party - you'll feel more comfortable.

 

Also, stop blaming yourself and doing the coulda, woulda, shoulda. You can't go back and change things. Just take note of what you realize you could've done and do it the next time.

[pinkroses]

I'll keep your advice in mind for next time social situations come along.

[yes]

i'm also "shy". well - not really, at least not in all senses.

 

But while i get along with people one on one, I get left out in group outings. I feel like it could be as simple as not talking loud enough, but it just struck me recently

- I went out with a bunch of people, each one of them i get along with perfectly one on one - and during dinner, I felt awkward and left out of the conversation.

 

What's more - once I was out with my bf & a bunch of friends, and my bf is the type who's always leading a group conversation with lots of jokes. But when I have a joke, I just say it to him, quietly. And what happened was he'd basically repeat it to everyone out loud, and they'd all burst out laughing. I still wonder if it's just cuz HE was saying it or what.

 

I'm not sure why this happens ... anyway, just wanted to share =)

 

as for you, I agree with the "baby steps" advice. and also, being social and outgoing isn't the main thing in life, is it? so what if you're not... you've got plenty of other talents, i bet.

 

good luck!

-yes

[HokeyReligions]

Well, everyone said what I would have said too! Just want to let you know that you are NOT alone in this.

 

I keep a candy dish on my desk at work and I make sure people know I have it. I have chocolate at easter and halloween and bring fudge and cookies and stuff at Christmas. It's one way of getting people to stop at my desk and talk and everyone appreciates it. I've done this for years at different jobs and it always helps.

 

I bring food and leave it in the kitchen sometimes too and that helps to start conversations. Along with my framed diplomas/certifications I keep some "toys" in my office. Those little mechanical toys are great conversation starters and it makes me feel more comfortable in social situations to talk about them too and helps others who are shy be able to approach me. Look for things in other people's offices (photos & such) and use them to start a conversation. The longer you get to know them the easier it will be.

[CityGyrl]

Don't feel bad. I use to be the same way. I was always the wallflower at the party or the one only speaking when someone said something to me. As was mentioned in another post, you have to take little baby steps at a time. Get to know another person besides the co-worker who sits beside you. Ask a co-worker or remark about a particular local event going on to start a conversation, even if it's something as simple as the weather. Or comment on someone's pretty dress or blouse. You'd be surprise how little conversation starters can go a long way into something more. Shyness is nothing to be ashamed of. Your shyness says to me that while you don't say a lot, you observe and take in your environment. And that you probably are a good listener. But use these qualities to your advantage. Everyone loves to have a friend who is a good listener and who is going to take an interest in to others.

 

And from a person who's been in your shoes, I say to practice at home in the mirror. Not to be mechanical and to use the same conversation starter over and over. But to actually see yourself and your expression and different ways you can start conversations. So I would be in the mirror saying things like "Those are some nice plants you have there. How do you get your plants............... or "That's a pretty blouse, where did you get that from.........or "This weather is something else............these are everyday conversation starters. Nothing fancy, just simple and to the point. And once you remark on simple things, you might find that you have more in common with other people. But above all else, it's important to be yourself.