Guilt or relief...? How should I feel?

[harrietthespy]

Pardon the length, but I am desperately in need for some assistance!

 

Before I met my fiance, Ryan, I had a short fling with one of our mutual friends, Jordan. That's kind of how we met. I really liked Jordan, but he stomped on my heart and threw me to the dogs. When I went to Ryan for comfort, we started this whirl wind romance that led to him proposing to me.

 

Six months later, Ryan told me he wasn't sure how he felt about me anymore. We've been fighting non stop about ridiculous things, one of them (oh, the irony!) being that I don't trust him. And quite honestly, I don't. We decided to take "a break". I gave him back his ring. I'm still in love with him.

 

He keeps playing with my head / heart. He called me the other night, drunk, telling me how much he loved and missed me. I was so happy. I went to see him the next day and he pretty much ignored me. I asked if we were still on our time-off period and he said we were, because it would be best for our relationship. I was hurt. I asked him if he had missed me because I hadn't seen him for four days. He said no, psh, it's only been four days, and shrugged me off. Then he asked me who I've been having sex with. I was appalled, because I couldn't believe he was turning my trust issues around on me. I had never even considered cheating on him. I love him.

 

Yesterday I wallowed around in self-pity. Ryan didn't call me to say hi, because I'm usually the one that calls him. (I've decided to wait until he calls me.) My friends told me to just end it before he depressed me any more. I got a little drunk (yes, during the day) and kind of agreed. I am heartbroken.

 

So, last night Jordan came over, because him and I are still kind of buddy-buddy and he's good friends with my roommate. We got even more drunk. Then Ryan called me again, drunk, at the bar with his friend. I heard a bunch of girls in the background. He told me how much he loved and missed me (again) and I told him I could not come and visit him, because I was drunk, too, and I couldn't drive. He said, "Fine" and hung up on me.

 

My roommates went to bed and Jordan and I started messing around. I was so depressed about Ryan that my natural instinct for revenge kicked in. I also was extremely sex- deprived because Ryan and I have not been having it. We ended up having sex and I blew Jordan off (meaning, no cuddling, et cetera) and went to my room. I told him he could sleep on the sofa bed. (Also, I did not want my roommates to find out we slept together).

 

Jordan seemed kind of hurt that I blew him off so fast (eye for an eye, right? He blew me off way worse), and I told him he couldn't tell anyone, because Ryan and I were still together. He didn't know we were still together, he said. He said he felt bad but he wouldn't say anything. (I'm kind of worried about that, though, because I know his friends are kind of gossipy. I can just deny it until my face turns blue.)

 

Unfortunately, this is definitely not my first cheating incident. Maybe that's where my trust issues stem from.

 

Right after the act, Ryan called me again just to say "hi" and that he "hoped we could work everything out because I am the love of his life". Great. I am so utterly confused right now, but for some reason I felt like he had it coming. Jordan got his day too, when I used him for sex. (He did the same to me for two months.) I don't know why I feel so selfishly self-righteous right now, but it is overpowering the guilt.

 

I know this sounds stupid, but I honestly love Ryan with all of my heart. Should I just let him go?

 

Judging by what you've heard here, what do you guys think I should do? I appreciate your input.

[norajane]

You are not ready for an honest, committed relationship. This was not the first time you cheated, and now you have a big huge lie that you're intending to cover up if Ryan ever comes around again. The truth always comes out, one way or another, sooner or later. Jordan will tell someone and Ryan will find out. It's better that you tell Ryan before someone else does if you actually want to make that relationship work, but that's certainly not going to make Ryan trust you anymore.

 

My suggestion would be to get away from both these guys, spend some time on your own getting your head straight and standing on your own two feet without some guy around for comfort, and eventually start fresh with someone else.

[Enema]

You're horrible for Ryan and you should let him go.

 

The man deserves far, far better than a cheating, mistrustful (guilty conscience) woman like you.