Lost in Love

[midnight magic]

I am a 34 year old female and for the most part of my growing up was a disaster. My parents were alcoholics, and did not give me any love or attention. I was sexually abused by an older brother. At 17 I left home and visit and telephone my so called family as little as possible. From then I had four relationships with men who were abusers, alcoholics, drug addicts, con artists.....etc. The last long term relationship I was in for 8 years the man nearly beat me to death, so I went to a shelter and lived there for two years.

 

Finally some good news! For the last five years I have been living with a great man, who is kind to me, treats me with respect and dignity and has helped me to grow as a person. He has told me that I am the love of his life, he cares about me and loves me, and I know that he does by the way that he treats me. Now the problem::::

 

he has no sign of romance in him at all, he does not like kissing and hugging. I am the one that initiates the hug because I need it once in a while. He has told me that he has been like this all his life and that it is nothing against me, it is just how he was brought up, there was not much attention or love shown in the family, they cared about each other, but really never expressed it.

 

The question that I can not understand is if I too was never shown love and attention and affection, why do I want it so bad now. Do I really know what I want?

 

If anyone out there can help me understand how to feel, I would really appreciate this. Given the men that I have lived with before, I am truly happy with this man, but sometimes I take offence to him because he is not like I want him to be to me. And he does try very hard to show me attention, because he knows that I want it, even though I know that he is only doing it because it is what I want. Should I shut up and appreciate this guy and quit causing me grief over the issue or is there something really wrong with me.

 

He constantly tells me that he loves and cares for me, he just has a hard time showing me all the time, maybe I am just being too pushy and I am the one with the problem. Could I expect the love that I should have gotten from my parents from him, and he is not able to fill this void.

 

Please help me in any way!!!!!

 

Bottom line is that I am truly happy with this man, it is just that once in a while I feel so alone.

 

Please ....everyone have a very Merry Christmas and love your friends and family!!! UNCONDITIONAL!!!!!

[quankanne]

wow, that's a pretty harsh existance you'd had as a youth, so I'm very glad to hear that you've bounced back AND found a great guy to share your life with.

 

this might sound trite, but don't sweat your guy's low interest in showing affection. My first thought is that maybe he doesn't want to scare you off because of the past abuse in your life, and I'm sure if he knows about it, it probably makes him hang back some because he's afraid to hurt you any more than you've been.

 

my second thought is to tell you not to get fed up with him so much that you become less loving toward him. In my experience, people respond to affection much the way a plant does to a healthy dose of sunlight and food. My husband is much older than me, and it amazes and delights me how affectionate he is. I had asked him once if he was like that with his first wife, and it surprised me to learn that he wasn't with wife number one, wife number two OR the woman he'd lived with before me, because he really is pretty sweet about holding hands or kissing in public. My guess is that he never felt comfortable about doing that because it just wasn't done in his family, whereas I was a hugger growing up. I think they just follow your lead. If he sees that you are all right being affectionate with him, he's going to respond likewise. If hugs and kisses and pats and caresses don't freak him out, then go for it. I pretty much guarantee he'll start responding to the point where he initiates those things with you.

[quankanne]

it just occurred to me that as women, we are more inclined to be nurturers, whereas guys appear to be more distant. Off the top of my head, I can think of only one man -- a good friend of mine -- who feels comfortable touching people, whether it's hugging or embracing or even friendly pats on the shoulder.

[Debster]

You have been through a lot. I'm glad you finally have something good happenning to you.

 

You might be craving excess hugs and affection because of the stuff you have been through and that you now have found the love and happiness you've always been craving. And that is understandable.

 

But some people (and it seems like your boyfriend falls in this category) just aren't as comfortable with showing their affection and he might perceive it as being too needy. The good thing though is that he shows you and tells you how he feels.

 

He seems to be trying to make the effort, but don't force it. You do have to accept him for who he is. He does seem like a great guy that is good for you, you're pretty lucky.

[Tony T]

1. "The question that I can not understand is if I too was never shown love and attention and affection, why do I want it so bad now. Do I really know what I want?"

 

You really need to learn to honor your feelings and not doubt them. If you feel you want love, attention and affection, then you can bet that you do. Those are normal human desires that were obviously not fulfilled for you as a child.

 

2. "If anyone out there can help me understand how to feel, I would really appreciate this."

 

Nobody can tell you how to feel about anything. People from abusive backgrounds learn to freeze their emotions to protect themselves from the intense emotional pain inflicted on them constantly. That's basically what you had to do for survival.

 

As an adult, it's great that you have opened up and begun to heal from this horrendous past. The healing process is long but you seem to have made tremendous progress. Just understand that in your craving for the love you were deprived of, don't make serious mistakes you will regret later. Pay attention.

 

Listen to your feelings, stay in touch with them, and cultivate them to a healthy level. You feel just exactly the way you want. I would guess that hidden deep down is a lot of anger which you may or may not have dealt with already...anger against those who abused you or deprived you of the needs you had as a child.

 

3. "Given the men that I have lived with before, I am truly happy with this man, but sometimes I take offence to him because he is not like I want him to be to me."

 

People are not put on this planet to be like you want them to be. They are themselves. With effective interpersonal communication, you can let him know what your objections are and see if he will change. If he won't, you either live with it or move on. Changing people is a job you never want to get into.

 

4. "And he does try very hard to show me attention, because he knows that I want it, even though I know that he is only doing it because it is what I want."

 

That doesn't sound very sincere but at least he's making an effort. What you have to think about is later on in the relationship. Right now, he's trying his best to keep you around. In a few years, when he feels he's got you where he wants you, will he show you attention because he really wants to? He better because he will not be motivated to do so to win your heart or impress you at that point.

 

5. "Should I shut up and appreciate this guy and quit causing me grief over the issue or is there something really wrong with me."

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel special. You also shouldn't appreciate anything you don't really appreciate. Step back and take a look at the broad picture. If you aren't happy with what you see, then don't appreciate it. If you can't get to a point where you feel comfortable with this man, get away from him. There are a lot of men who would be perfect for you...although there are no perfect men (except for this writer, of course!)

 

If you really feel like you are getting grief here and it doesn't let up, you don't need to continue putting yourself through it. You are now totally free to make decisions for yourself. You are free at last!!!

 

6. "He constantly tells me that he loves and cares for me, he just has a hard time showing me all the time, maybe I am just being too pushy and I am the one with the problem."

 

Talk is cheap. If he can't show you with his actions, then there's a problem. Yes, you are being too pushy. You can't push people into behavior they aren't inclined to show. If after having a nice, intimate discussion of your needs in this relationship he is unable to accomodate you on what you feel is a permanent basis, forget him.

 

You are not the one with a problem. You simply have needs and you deserve to receive love and affection and you should never stop short of getting that. Never!!!

 

7. " Could I expect the love that I should have gotten from my parents from him, and he is not able to fill this void."

 

Never. The love you should have gotten from your parents would have been unconditional, parental love. Your parents simply didn't know how to give that because they didn't receive it themselves. I am so glad you are in touch with this because you will be able to give your own children the love they will dearly need.

 

No man, nowhere, nohow will ever be a substitute for the love you should have received from your parents. The love you receive from a man is romantic love, which is conditional. Just like your love for him should be conditional. If he doesn't make you feel special, wanted and loved, you are under no obligation to love him.

 

Being from a dysfunctional background, it's likely you will always feel that void, that loneliness, that certain place where you know people will never understand what you have been through....that certain place where most people won't want to go. Overtime, you will learn to fill that void yourself with the love you have to offer your ownself. Because your self esteem was so low growing up in your home, you didn't learn how to love yourself. Now, with time, that chore will be easier. You can only depend on yourself to feel happy and fulfilled. If you look for it in a man, money, job, travel, drugs, alcohol, or whatever, you will only enlarge the void. Be happy with yourself and be proud you have come this far.

 

8. "Please help me in any way!!!!!"

 

No way, you have to help yourself. You have to take control of your life, of your feelings, of your destiny. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Start loving yourself and start insisting that others respect you and be considerate of you. If you find yourself in unpleasant situations, call a cab...or take your own car if you have one and LEAVE!!!

 

9. "Bottom line is that I am truly happy with this man, it is just that once in a while I feel so alone."

 

Everybody feels alone at one time or another. That's part of the human condition. But once you have a partner with whom you can exchange emotional initimacy and communicate on a very deep level, that loneliness diminishes somewhat.

 

People become lonely when they cease to be at ease with their own thoughts. Be friends with yourself, honor yourself, love yourself and you will never be lonely. I also urge you to pursue the spiritual aspects of yourself and come in touch with a higher power that lives within you and guides you always.

 

Why do I think you aren't quite being honest with yourself when you say you are truly happy with this man?

 

First become truly happy with yourself and all your men problems and all your loneliness problems will be a thing of the past. Promise!!!

[Dragonflys]

Hi Midnight Magic

 

This is a hard one to give advice on because on the one hand this man gives you the companionship and love (likely in another language) that you deserve. From what you say it sounds his intentions are noble and he's a good man, but you just need more intimtae expressions of love.

 

Wow

 

Well, for a start, you probably will not be able to change him very much. He is giving you all he has - that is, the companionship, respect and loyalty you deserve. He just simply isn't wired to feel intimacy the way you do. Now it is no fault of yours to want intimacy, its so wonderful if you can appreciate it, I'm the same, so like Tony said you should never compromise your needs.

 

What to do...

 

Well, I would suggest getting out and connection with more people, in the hope you get more of what you are missing (aside from actual romance)..such as friedship hugs and affection, deep conversations, mutual interests and the like. Being with others also gives you perspective on your current situation. While you should never seek out to hurt your partner, if you meet men who would more likely meet your needs and can give you the same respect, you owe it to yourself to stay open to the possibility, because the bottom line is you are cheating yourself out of pure joy.

 

Oliver

[midnight magic]

Thanks to all those who have replied to my post and have provided as usual great advice. It is nice to know that there are people out there that I do not even know, but are there in times of need.

 

I appreciate all replies and have take an active role in understanding my relationship. My boyfriend Dave thinks so too. He read the replies as well and is in total agreement.

 

Once again

Thank you all

 

Happy New Year to you all!!!