Waxing and Waning woes in my sense of self

[Guest]

hey there to all LS good and kind people!

 

I know what my trigger were this time; and am sharing this probably for my own self but also to see if there are others who ever go thru these feelings and emotions.

 

Two weeks ago, my SO and I (we are in a LDR now for 5+ years and it does work well for us; hopes to move closer before the yr is over) anyaway, we were at the restaraunt waiting at our seat and in walks a very thing; pixie hair cut 20 something yr. old.. in my op; cute but too thin. Well, I haven't seem my SO do the gawk at the chick thing in my presence in a long time ( ai am sure he has but conceals it well) and then he out of the blue as we were sitting at the table tells me I have boobs like Kirsten dunst. "wtf?" was that supposed to mean?? he tells me she has "great" boobs. I don't think I have anything next to near boobs like her not that I have seen them except to see her in a movie.

in my mind only; I never verbalized these thoughts, "when did you see her boobs in person?? and now you compare me to some actress who is just some one dimensional person who you'll never meet or can ever know as a person; how can I be compared to someone like that when I am real, feel, speak, touch, and have all the elements of a person you share a R wth.?

 

but these things set the now waning tone of my sense of self.

 

He cheated on me 2+ yrs ago and tho we did resolve and work on the R and it is really is good now, I never feel the same level of trust I once had in him. I spent a month down-hearted this winter as it was 2 years since he cheated and 1 since he gave me an STD as a result of it. It killed me emotionally inside for a while and I worked hard to get thru the annniversary of the emotions.

 

We have love and fun and caring and our R is mended now, but I do know it isn't the same when it comes to my trust.

We have incredibly intense and widely experitmantal sex with each other only and I am not lack for being multi-O and very him sexually and physically as well as emotionally; so somehow, that part seems to sustain uncompromised

 

The larger picture here is what happens to me overall. What unsettles me and how unsettled I become.

My sense of me becomes this feeling of how flawed I am, how unattractive, how ugly, how aged I am in comparison to the younger women presented in mags and movies etc. I end up feeling so undesirable, and uncomfortable with anything that has to do with him looking at other women. I used to "tolerate" his porn dvds ( he used to want to watch with me; and tho I didn't like them, I tolerated it--they left me feeling unattractive too, but I just dealt with it) now, I asked he not do that with me anymore as it turns my sense of self as a woman upside down. I for the life of me can't get into the idea that he could be getting aroused by another woman( my op of porn women is very very low as well) while next to me and then think I would want to be sexual with him after that.

He watches his own dvds without me now as we are in LDR, so I sort of understand, but knowing this actually leaves me feeling; " if they are what you want, then you should be with them" or " how could you want to be with me, after watching the young porn chicks and seeing their bodies?"

 

I am in my 40's now, 3 teenage kids and a divorce behind me. I am petite, small boobs but still in shape. I used to be more curvy, but age and kids and keeping up with life and working out, I have actually lost wt and so just am very petite and not a curvy 20 yo. that you see in porns. As well, I am one of those women (sorry if TMI with larger labia minora; and have been so self conscious of this for years)

my ex, didn't care, and was the type of guy who felt I was his 'cat's meow" and didn't feel the need for porn or to check out other women. He was a great guy in many ways but the marriage just failed for many other reasons.

 

To continue, I end up finding myself stressing, almost incessantly looking for information on how to cope with these feelings and how to cope and deal with his porn, him checking out this chick and how to deal with me being older. He is also a few years younger than me.; so I keep thinking when will the day come when I am too old looking for him and he wants the young babe in arms thing.

 

We have talked about some of this, but he is not great with this type of emotional talk and does his share of telling me how hot I look etc. (but underneath this, sometimes I think he says this only under the influence of a drink, or that he stays with me as he knows that I don't demand marriage, baby carriage and now don't need a condom or risk getting the STD he gave me.)

 

sometimes, I feel so "unpretty" and can't even get ok with an R movie, as it will have some T/A and then I end up thinking he loves that, and would rather have that and how unattractive I must look in view of that.

 

sometimes in this waning, I know to some extent I sound irrational and yet, I truly feel this.

I have been to therapy years ago to deal with marriage, issues, bulimia(very long ago and resolved) and just can't do it again.

I usually go thru my life happy, upbeat and am a caring, loving, giving person who loves my kids and my guy with all my heart, and then there is the one thing that knocks my sense of me off balance (internally) it usually doesn't show on the outside but my brain never stops thinking and feeling.

 

so, here I am, writing in part to get it out of my system a bit and also, to see the responses from the wise, experienced life travelers here on LS.

 

peace