my boyfriends obsession

[imonyourside]

i have a problem with my boyfriend and his obsession for asian women. i know that most, if not all, guys think asian women are attractive. this is not the case.

he really likes the culture, he watches anime all the time..like hours at a time.. (hes 27), and he told me he really likes the women because they do "everything for the men", that he didn't just like them physically. but thats not true either, because he had lots of asian porn and naked pictures of asian women on his computer.

now, i feel like he should just date an asian woman, not me, because he is so obsessed. he said the reason he doesn't want to marry an asian woman is because he wants his children to look like him, and i guess his children wouldn't because asian qualities are dominant.

 

anyway he text messaged me saying he really likes the girls name "saya".

i'm not sure what he meant but i'm going to guess he meant for a daughters name or something. i've been thinking about this all morning and i don't know how to handle the situation. its not a big deal but why would he want to name his child saya (which is a japanese name) ???

 

i am not asian (obviously) and i wish he'd obsess about red heads (me) or something like that. something that i have. it doesn't feel good knowing that he loves asian girls and that i'm his girlfriend and i'm not asian!!

[squeak]

"he wants his children to look like him, and i guess his children wouldn't because asian qualities are dominant. "

 

So he goes out with the white girl for breeding purposes but would prefer an Asian woman for all other purposes?

Nice...

 

I think all women wonder if their SO secretly likes 'em (fill in the blank) blonde, thick, skinny, exotic, etc. but the fact that he is outright telling you all that does not sit right with me.

 

I would not want to be with someone who pretty much outright admitted he is an Asianophile who loves the culture, the women, the stereotype of what he thinks they are like, and is with you.

 

How long have you been together? Honey, tons of guys out there have a secret thing for redheads, go find 'em.

 

The alternative is always feeling not up to snuff with him. That does not mean you aren't, just that he does not have the right motivations for wanting to be with you.

 

Personally, I stay away from guys like him, who wants to be reduced to a bunch of stupid exotification stereotypes anyway? Good riddance.

 

Of course you could sit him down and tell him how that makes you feel, but this isn't something you want him to lie about to you since that seems to be his preference. Don't be the girl with the guy who is lusting after the opposite of you, your self esteem will disappear-he hasn't even reassured you once that you have any qualities he likes. You deserve better, don't be his white breeder lady , you are missing out on a fully devoted BF.

 

You can only sell yourself short if you allow it....

[amaysngrace]

Well here's a thought...be wicked for him one day. Get a straight black wig, do up your eyes, get some sexy lingerie and practice up your lack of the English language. You need only learn a few words.

 

Give your guy the fantasy of a lifetime. Call yourself Saya. Do you think you could do that for him?

[squeak]

Sorry if my message posts 3 times-I'm new here.

Of course that is insulting , that does not make you less than, please don't think that. But do you want to pretend to be another race for your boyfriend?

 

He could not even reassure you beyond that he wants a white woman for breeding purposes...? I say be glad he admitted it, sometimes people fall for a type other than their norm, but in this case he is admitting that is his preference.

 

Plenty of other guys love redheads, go find one of them or be prepared to see your esteem dissolve. I wrote a lengthier post but it disappeared, sorry. You could tell him how it makes you feel, but this isn't really about being respectful or discreet. He was honest, personally I avoid guys like that, it leads to heartbreak if you are not in that category.

[Enema]

I'm like your guy, I have yellow-fever.

 

Luckily, I snagged myself one so there are no issues.

 

If he truly obsesses about asian women it might be a problem. When you're being honest with yourself, do you think he settled for you because he has trouble picking up women and/or didn't think he could get one?

[manders0724]

WOW is all i have to say.

 

My bf also is obsessed with asians and has porn and all that of them etc. It bothers me alot also cuz his ex (who has caused alot of problems between us) is asian. ugh it sucks lemme tell you.

 

He told me repeatedly that him and her have great sex etc and it annoys me sooo much. He isnt talkin to her anymore tho.

 

But i know how you feel cuz it drives me insane cuz obviously im not asian and dont want to be, i dont even find them attractive

[JackJack]

Next time he starts in on all that...you tell him how you love Justin Timberlake, or whoever, and that you really dig those kinds of men that can sing or dress that way blah blah.

 

I'm not saying he is totally obesssed, (yet) and while some may think its nice of him to talk to you about what he likes, the point is you're not asian, ok so he has a preference, but if he really likes them then he needs to go find one so its no longer an issue for him.

 

I think its disrespectufl of him to act like that or say those things to you. Maybe turn the tables, sometimes people need a dose of their own medicine. If that doesn't work and he is still talking baout them, I think you have your answer, you're with the wrong guy.

[Aloros]

and he told me he really likes the women because they do "everything for the men", that he didn't just like them physically.

 

Hahahahaha! Oh god, I just feel that's so off the mark. My mother is asian, first generation. Oh she's very nice on the surface, cooks, gardens, very domestic, right? But she is the most stubborn, opinionated, judgemental woman I know. I mean...seriously. This is the lady that cackles about fat people over the phone. I love my mom, but she is SCARY. My ex was terrified of her. Can't say the women on her side of the family are much different.

 

I'm half-asian, and asian genes are dominant?? Most people, unless they're half-asian themselves, have no idea what I am, ethnicity-wise. They think I look "exotic", but depending on how dark I am, I've gotten guesses that range from Alaskan (I don't even know what they were getting at) to Mayan.

 

Your boyfriend is holding on to some kind of ideal that doesn't exist. He seems misinformed/underinformed as well.

 

Does he know how much this bothers you? It would piss me off too. I'd try to sit him down and tell him how this makes you feel, that you wonder why he's dating you and not some asian woman, etc. What an idiot. You have red hair? THAT is amazing and rare. Asian? Well, we're a dime a dozen.

 

Or...if you're feeling vindictive, give him a taste of his own medicine. Start talking about black men, and how well-endowed they are...

[squeak]

Aloros said:

Or...if you're feeling vindictive, give him a taste of his own medicine. Start talking about black men, and how well-endowed they are...

 

Ha! We want her to get him back, not make him go ballistic!

Actually, that is really good advice, all kidding aside.

 

I used to suspect my BF had a thing for a specific ethnic race that was not mine, but he asured me I was wrong, I did not have any reason to think that, but I just wanted to make sure.

 

I think it was because once I read an article about a guy writing to an advice columnist because he liked amd obsessed over Asian girls sexually, but his GF was a blonde. He said he grew to love her but he could not stop thinking about Asians. The advice columnist blasted him for wasting this current GF's time, and to be true to himself next time, not fall in love with someone not your type, then still want the Asian girls in your fantasties.

 

That always stuck with me, that is something I try to find out in the early stages of dating-if I am his type or if he is falling love with *only* my sparkling personality

Who wants to feel like 2nd tier?

[allina]

Your bf seems to be a bit of a bigot, and not very educated about other races

[imonyourside]

thanks for all the replies, i feel a lot better knowing that i'm not just going crazy and that i'm not the only one!

 

i have told him how i feel and he knows very well that this bothers me about him. i have told him when i'm angry "why don't you just date an asian girl? why are you with me?"

 

and he gives me that response about how he wants his children to look like HIM. and the reason i used the word dominant was simply put, when an asian and a white get together, the babies (from what i know) take on the dark hair, dark eyes, and different shape of eyes. i think thats what he means. i think if he has a "thing" for that ethnic group, why would it matter? but hes completely stuck on what his children will look like and how he wants them to look like him.

 

maybe he is uninformed, and maybe he was referring to "back in the day", but he said he read up about japanese or korean culture and how in their countries, the woman pleases the man , does whatever he wants. which kind of upsets me too because its like he wants some kind of slave, not a life partner???

 

i was looking at wigs the other day, and its funny because the whole role playing popped into my mind. and if i had a guy that just liked asian women, not PREFERRED them, i would do something fun like that. but dressing up like that would only make me feel uncomfortable.

 

i have tried to do the reverse and say "what if i was totally into black men and wanted to name my child shaniqua or something?" and he has more or less said " i guess i would understand" but thats not the case so he will never fully get it. and i've actually thought about pretending to like or obsess about another race other than him, but i'm not sure about that because i'd have to completely change myself - i.e. like that certain music, movies, shows, and probably have to get some kind of poster with like a black man on it

 

i just don't think he wants to be white. like he WANTS to be asian and if so, he should leave me and date an asian woman.

 

not that i want people to think hes so terrible. i mean when i say this stuff he says he loves me and all that nonsense, i just can't help but feel so second tier as squeak put it.

[Guest]

Hey I'monyourside, I hope you know that you are NOT 2nd tier, just that his wonky statements are going to end up having that effect on you, they would on anyone in that situation.

 

I hope you don't mind me saying this-he sounds a bit nerdy. That's not bad, but he really has to come up with something more reassuring then that your children will look like him. He sounds like he has very strange ideas about women, expectations, and for the life of me I don't understand why he would reel you in and waste your time, or anyone's, when he knows what his tastes are.

 

It's not fair to you. I had an ex that always compared me to girls who dressed really sexy, that he was disappointed I didn't basically dress like a video vixen everyday, I'm serious. And that just wore on me, it was part of a bigger problem with him objectifying women as objects.....

 

I broke up with him. I just think he has to offer you a lot more in the way of appreciating you for YOU.

[squeak]

Hey I'monyourside, I hope you know that you are NOT 2nd tier, just that his wonky statements are going to end up having that effect on you, they would on anyone in that situation.

 

I hope you don't mind me saying this-he sounds a bit nerdy. That's not bad, but he really has to come up with something more reassuring then that your children will look like him. He sounds like he has very strange ideas about women, expectations, and for the life of me I don't understand why he would reel you in and waste your time, or anyone's, when he knows what his tastes are.

 

It's not fair to you. I had an ex that always compared me to girls who dressed really sexy, that he was disappointed I didn't basically dress like a video vixen everyday, I'm serious. And that just wore on me, it was part of a bigger problem with him objectifying women as objects.....

 

I broke up with him. I just think he has to offer you a lot more in the way of appreciating you for YOU.

[imonyourside]

haha its okay! he is a bit nerdy. or should i say a byte nerdy? hahaha i crack myself up.

but in all seriousness, he is nerdy. he is so good with computers, but he got in trouble a while back and it is hard for him to get a job. this really bothers me too - all he does ALL DAY is stay at home and watch anime. he has like all these different series and he completed like 120 episodes after like 4 days.

 

i almost feel like because i'm younger, i can accept this more for a man who is 27 years old. but its really not acceptable, he needs to get a job - he lives at home with his parents for christ sake!! but this is not the issue at hand, i've accepted the fact that he got screwed by the POlice and now he doesn't have a job.

 

i'm sorry about your ex, it sounds like he was a crumbum as my mom would say.

 

i just don't know how deep his feelings are for me versus asian women. i don't know how things will turn out, will he always watch these anime episodes? will he always love anime-asian music?

this is getting to me more and more and i feel like a crazy person. i don't want to RESENT asian women!!! but i'm starting to. i feel like any and every asian woman that passes us in the store or at a restaurant, he will like and i will feel ugly or not up to par by his standards.

 

he has made it clear that he wants to marry me so i don't think hes WASTING my time, so much as making it hard for me to feel like i'm his "dream woman"

 

anyway, i guess we shall see how the ball rolls or how the turkey cooks (sorry, i'm being silly) and i will have to either own up to it and deal with it or just let it own me and one day tell him i can't take it

[DOA]

Sounds like he has Yellow Fever. It's one thing to like Asian women, it's another to be totally obsessed with everything Asian.

 

I personally find this type of obsession really creepy, and ALSO, the thing that bothers me the most is his belief that "Asian women will do everything for men". I think that is really demeaning to the race, and definitely not an accurate picture of the Asian society, especially in this modern world.

[LakesideDream]

Never had, or understood the attraction. Then again I spent a tour and a half in South East Asia in the early 1970's where the "Asian Women" were more dangerous one on one than the men. Must have made an impression.

 

I say dump the guy, as you would any guy who lives with Mommie, and drools over his computer all day looking at hard core.

 

Red heads are cool. So are blonds and brunettes. There are plenty of guy out there who will notice.

[manders0724]

freakin insane!

my bf is a nerd too...really smart with computers etc, spends all his time online or online gaming....or just readin stuff online. he is really attractive tho, and i know this doesnt matter but when i met him he was the "popular type" and i was so shocked my his obsession with computers!

[Trimmer]

What seems clear to me is that he lacks empathy. A guy who has no idea how it would make his GF feel to make it so clear to her that his ideal is something else? If this is an indication of his human relationship skills, ask yourself what does that mean for the next 20,30, 40 years of your life together?

 

So he has made it clear that he wants to marry you. Does he have any more compelling (and less ego-centric) reasons than your suitability as breeding stock?

 

And although I saw that he says he loves you "and all that nonsense", I don't recall you describing your feelings for him. How do you feel? Are you just settling here? I think the princess/perfect-world/happily ever after fantasy of marriage is a myth, but I do at least still believe that it should be about two people who want to commit to each other and only each other, over any others, with mutual empathy and respect, and to enter into the marriage without a lingering, unresolved desire for something else...

[squeak]

Trimmer hit the nail on the head. I once read advice on Loveshack that said to all the girls about to get married, imagine your BF is like a car, you wouldn't buy a car from a dealer that was running badly and hope that after you buy it, it'll get better, right?

 

The changes have to happen before marriage, nothing will change after except the problems you had unresolved before a now a lifetime issue.

 

It must be confusing, he is offering marriage and you feel all these other doubts. You could have a very clear conversation with him, about how does he think it will play out with you in the long run if he has this other type that he was willing to make clear to you, how that makes you doubt him, and that you need more from him. See what he says, but I am positive that you could find someone else who you won't start feeling all freaked out when an Asian girl is standing near him. I would want to know also what he would do if he met one in the future--I mean, he has you on pins and needles. Lack of empathy is right on here. No one is perfect, some situations change, but don't make your decision counting on that.

[networkingman]

I agree with a previous poster that this whole Asian obsession is "creepy". I say dump the guy. There are plenty of guys out there who love red heads (I'm one of them, lol). Personally, I don't find Asian women that attractive, but I suppose that's just a matter or preference. Go find another guy, you don't need this "drama". Life's short, enjoy it, especially in your early 20's.

[EnigmasMuse]

You mentioned he was reading up on Japanese cultures etc, why? Is he going over there and needs knowledge of how they live? If he is into reading, tell him while he is reading up on other cultures to educate himself on books about real relationships and respect also.

 

Maybe he has already met a asian girl that has sparked his interest, and that is why he is reading up on these kinds of things? Also for him to be thinking that far ahead about wanting his kids to look like HIM, he sounds very selfish. Not only has he disrespected you with her remarks about what he likes, but he went as far to disrespect you more by only including himself in the fact he wants his kids to look just like him.

 

Dump him.

[alittleconfused]

I agree with a previous poster that this whole Asian obsession is "creepy". I say dump the guy. There are plenty of guys out there who love red heads (I'm one of them, lol). Personally, I don't find Asian women that attractive, but I suppose that's just a matter or preference. Go find another guy, you don't need this "drama". Life's short, enjoy it, especially in your early 20's.

 

Although I have to agree that sometimes it's just a matter of preference, in this guy's case, he's basing his attraction on racial stereotypes. The stereotype of an Asian woman being submissive culturally or personality wise. And I suppose you could still find women like that in Asia, raised traditionally, not that they'd want to marry a guy they couldn't communicate with since they wouldn't even speak the same language. Points to an unhealthy idea of how he thinks a perfect relationship would be: him being served by some submissive, passive woman. Hell she doesn't even need a brain, throw that right out please!

 

Asian American women, on the other hand, are pretty much just most other girls, w/ some Asian upbringing and of course, Asian features. Just a little sidenote on Asians in/out of the US.

 

Anyway, point being, why do you want to be w/ a guy who's idea of a good relationship is based off of some 1950s stereotype of Asian women from the Korean War? I think you should be w/ a man who wants YOU, your red hair, your opinions, the way you talk etc etc etc. That's love.

 

Dont marry someone so his kids can look like him. And what kind of a thought is that anyway? Even if his kids are white, they could end up looking just like you and not a bit like him. Is he going to throw a fit cause his little plan to mass recreate himself failed? God, someone's really self centered.

[Dadaal]

Your BF is not alone. I love Asian women but I never dated one.

[Trimmer]

this is getting to me more and more and i feel like a crazy person. i don't want to RESENT asian women!!! but i'm starting to. i feel like any and every asian woman that passes us in the store or at a restaurant, he will like and i will feel ugly or not up to par by his standards.

I'm not a therapist (but I play one on TV!!!) but is it possible that you are really starting to resent him, but since you feel committed to the relationship, you are misdirecting your resentment to the (abstract) object of his interest?

 

he has made it clear that he wants to marry me so i don't think hes WASTING my time, so much as making it hard for me to feel like i'm his "dream woman"

But he is wasting your time, if he somehow convinces you to enter into a lifelong relationship with him, on this shaky foundation of his, which over time you will become disenchanted with.

 

It's not that you should expect to be his "dream woman" - that may be an unrealistic expectation - but you at least deserve to feel that you are the only one he wants to be with, and that feeling should be a long-term commitment. It doesn't even sound like he feels that way now.

 

Just a curiosity question: how is your self-confidence? What is your image of yourself as an individual, apart from this relationship? Do you feel that this relationship "completes" you as a person, or do you feel like a "whole" person already, even without this relationship? It's totally my perspective without a lot of insight, I admit, but I'm wondering why you don't feel like you deserve better...

[imonyourside]

thanks again for the advice!

 

yeah, his whole wanting his kids to look like him is kind of creepy...

 

i'm surprised he was so wrong about asian women. not that i really knew what to believe, but he was the one doing all the researching .. this was about a year back i believe. he told me the REASON he liked asian women was because of their respect for the men. funny that he was wrong. he was looking up that information because hes crazy and probably bored because he doesn't have **** to do all day and wanted to learn more about his FAVORITE culture in the world.

 

the idea that he wanted a relationship based off of the woman doing everything for the man was definately a turn off. its weird how i can have mixed emotions like this. he can be just perfect sometimes but then i think about everything i don't like about him and it adds up to so much.

 

trimmer - i really appreciate your committment to this topic. this may not be a shocker but i do have a low self esteem and up until like a year ago i was a mess, but i'm working on things like that. this guy and i have been dating for three years, and normal or not we have managed to pull ourselves away from any friends that we had. i still have my sister and he still has a few of his buddies, but when i think about what i'd do without him it scares me because i've become so dependant on him. i often think of ending it with him because we do have so many problems but then i get small panic attacks and i'd rather just stay in the relationship and tell myself i can deal with all these problems. and maybe i can, his love for asians may pass or maybe as i get older, i will be more accepting of it. i just don't want our honeymoon to be in japan or something

 

anyway thanks a lot for everyones two cents! i have lots to think about.

 

trimmer, out of curiousity, you play a therapist on tv??? explain?