my boyfriends obsession

[Trimmer]

trimmer, out of curiousity, you play a therapist on tv??? explain?

Ha! It's a joke... long ago (I imagine this may be "before your time" ) there was a commercial on TV where some actor who played a doctor - from a soap opera, I think - started the commercial with the line: "I'm not a doctor... but I play one on TV" and then went on to hawk aspirin or something like that. I think it was a response to the government telling advertisers they couldn't use actors pretending to be doctors to sell medicines.... Anyway, that phrase became somewhat of a cultural tag line for a while, so I sometimes use it with a twist. The implication is: I'm totally unqualified to say this, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

 

So to continue in that fashion....

 

I hear some things in your comments that concern me. Things like "i've become so dependant on him," put together with "we have managed to pull ourselves away from any friends that we had...", and "i'd rather just stay in the relationship and tell myself i can deal with all these problems..."

 

I'll echo some of the earlier comments, in that if you are aware of problems or irritants now, and you say "I will just deal with it... maybe it will pass.... maybe he will change.... maybe I will become more accepting of it..." I think you are starting out with some serious liabilities, and hoping or assuming that they will somehow magically resolve or become non-problems is a flat out mistake.

 

I'm not suggesting any action relative to your relationship just yet, but either way, I think you should continue your work on yourself and your self esteem that you refer to. I believe that you are healthiest when you are "whole" as an individual first, then after that, you see how you are doing within your relationships. If you are low in self esteem or confidence, and you look to your relationship to help fill that void, you end up dependent on the relationship, and not only scared to leave, but hesitant even to assert yourself in healthy ways, for fear of "rocking the boat." And then resentments fester.... Does that sound familiar?

 

So without even passing a judgement of "good boyfriend" or "bad boyfriend", I wonder how you feel if you had more confidence and strength as an individual. Then, if you could get to that place, I wonder how you would see your current relationship through that lens.

 

It sounds like I am probably at a very different place in my life than you - I'm recently divorced with 2 kids - but one of the things I realized about myself is that after "all that" happened, it would have been a mistake to go out right away looking for someone to fill the void - someone I could "depend on." I need to become whole and confident again as an individual first, and then I feel like I will be more ready at some point when a new relationship opportunity comes along. Probably also, the person that I will attract at that point will tend to be a more "whole" individual too, and I just think we will be starting out from a more healthy foundation.

 

Now, having said that, you don't necessarily have to dump your relationship to work on this - to work on yourself. It's a worthwhile and important individual goal no matter what you decide about this relationship, but you may ultimately find that once you start becoming more confident and sure of yourself, you may be able to explore what your standards are for a partner, and whether you deserve better, without feeling such panic at the possibility of a different future.

 

What happened in your life that helped you transition out of your "mess" phase in the past year?

[chaos40]

Tell him you're into tall black guys, that'll **** his head up

[cn283]

First off: Trimmer you rock. You've been giving her awesome advice.

 

As for your BF, it's only going to get worse. Working to get your self esteem up is the best way for you to take a step back and look at him not from an "I need him" POV but from a "do I want him?" POV, I think you'll have your answer then.

[elias2k2]

I am from Latin America and as a kid we grow up like wanting something different well some of us will date only spanish girls, but as you come to the us this change and you see more different girls. I dated blondes, brunettes, redheads and spanish girls and I wasn't happy at all. They were nice girls, but they just were not my type, we didn't have fun at all it just things didn't work out.

 

I took some time off about 2 years ago and went on a little vacation to LA and you know I met an asian girl from china and she was just awesome and we hung out on the whole trip because it was a tour kind of trip.

 

We are now engaged.

 

My advice for you is: I think you need to let him choose what he wants to do, he obviously is not happy with an american girl and is always going to be in head. He is into asian girls and thats like the old saying once you go black you never go back. Same thing with asian once you go asian you don't go back specially if hes white. If hes a white guy, he ain't coming back.

 

Asian girls don't have the best bodies, but theres something about them that some guys just love. My friend steve is from Jamaica and hes another, he was with white, black, and hispanic girls and he met an asian girl in school and he is now married.

 

and asian men are mad. check out the website below.

 

http://www.bitterasianmen.com/

[imonyourside]

well that made me feel like absolute crap, elias. thank you.

 

maybe i'm crazy but i don't think asian girls are all the same, in that they can get along with certain men that no other woman could? well whatever, he hasn't made it CLEAR that he is unhappy with me , i just don't like to be his second preference..

 

i see what you are saying trimmer, but what can i do? like i said i've been working on it and the reason is mainly because i'm just getting older and i can't continue on with my life being so jealous of every little thing. i guess its not my self esteem then that i am changing, its me being immature that i'm changing , ha.

 

anyway, like i said, what can i do? i don't know what i could do while continuing to date him that would make me feel like more of a whole, stronger , and more confidant about myself.

 

and i've got a question, if some guy has a preference for one type and ends up with another, is he disappointed? or is it just attraction? does he think , for some odd reason, that he would get along better with a certain type? i almost do want to break up with him and just see what its like to date a guy that thinks i'm his type.

 

and i am very much so the type of person that holds off breaking up, hoping that something either really great will prevent me or really bad will force me to break up. till then i just plan to wait and let these other bad feelings inside of me stew. like last night, for example, we hung out and had fun. nothing wrong in that. so yet why am i thinking of ending it? because he has "yellow fever"? i just feel so godamn lost. i swear to god in every situation that i am put in, i am right down the middle with my choices. on one hand, its stupid , its so stupid for me to care so much. but on the other, its not fair. its not fair to me for him to be dreaming of asian women while i'm there in his arms. and maybe thats a little much, but it just pisses me off that hes So asian. and i don't want to be racist or mean but can't he just FOR ONE SECOND ACT LIKE A WHITE GUY?

 

should i play it off that i'm COMPLETELY in love with black guys? spanish guys? some OTHER type of guy that he could never ever be?

[corazoncito]

should i play it off that i'm COMPLETELY in love with black guys? spanish guys? some OTHER type of guy that he could never ever be?

 

Yeah, tell him you're really into intelligent men, hence he doubly doesn't do it for you.

 

I don't really have much to say that the other posters haven't covered. BTW, I am half Chinese, and my mom is the Chinese parent (born and raised in Asia). Believe me, there is nothing subservient about either one of us. And I am SICK of these stupid stereotypes about Asian women. They say so much more about the guy having some major issues with being able to relate to adult women.

 

Tell your BF to put down the anime (where I suspect he's getting his "ideas"), get a job, save some money and take a damn trip to Asia if he's so obsessed and find out first hand if all the bizarre racial stereotypes he has been assembling in his head are true. The first thing he'd probably catch on to is that a "real" Asian woman (i.e., his mythical creature, born and raised in Asia, traditional, "subservient", whatever) wouldn't look at him twice and would never consider marrying or getting to know him because he's not Asian (the thing about your kids looking like you works both ways)...

[elias2k2]

Hey,

 

I first want to apologize if what I said earlier made you feel bad. Personally I think that you might have to just let him go because, he's just not there with reality. The reality is that he has issues that are beyond the whole asian thing. I don't Watch Annime I play some Playstation 3 here and there, but that is that. I have been to China and I had a good time, but he seems more obsessed with the culture. I just found the right one. I know you feel that you want to hope that things get better, but it's just not there, he's into that whole culture and hes into the girls from there.

 

He might want white kids, but thats not going to happen if he gets an asian girl so he's contradicting himself. I think you lost him a long time ago when he started getting obsessed with asian girls. This is why is suggested you to move on. And believe me you are better off than living a life of bull**** with him. Get a guy thats into you, I'm pretty sure you can, but staying in that situation will only irritate you more.

 

In the end he is going to do what he wants to do. And it will get worst hes gonna cheat and do all this crazy ****. So just let him go

 

well that made me feel like absolute crap, elias. thank you.

 

maybe i'm crazy but i don't think asian girls are all the same, in that they can get along with certain men that no other woman could? well whatever, he hasn't made it CLEAR that he is unhappy with me , i just don't like to be his second preference..

 

i see what you are saying trimmer, but what can i do? like i said i've been working on it and the reason is mainly because i'm just getting older and i can't continue on with my life being so jealous of every little thing. i guess its not my self esteem then that i am changing, its me being immature that i'm changing , ha.

 

anyway, like i said, what can i do? i don't know what i could do while continuing to date him that would make me feel like more of a whole, stronger , and more confidant about myself.

 

and i've got a question, if some guy has a preference for one type and ends up with another, is he disappointed? or is it just attraction? does he think , for some odd reason, that he would get along better with a certain type? i almost do want to break up with him and just see what its like to date a guy that thinks i'm his type.

 

and i am very much so the type of person that holds off breaking up, hoping that something either really great will prevent me or really bad will force me to break up. till then i just plan to wait and let these other bad feelings inside of me stew. like last night, for example, we hung out and had fun. nothing wrong in that. so yet why am i thinking of ending it? because he has "yellow fever"? i just feel so godamn lost. i swear to god in every situation that i am put in, i am right down the middle with my choices. on one hand, its stupid , its so stupid for me to care so much. but on the other, its not fair. its not fair to me for him to be dreaming of asian women while i'm there in his arms. and maybe thats a little much, but it just pisses me off that hes So asian. and i don't want to be racist or mean but can't he just FOR ONE SECOND ACT LIKE A WHITE GUY?

 

should i play it off that i'm COMPLETELY in love with black guys? spanish guys? some OTHER type of guy that he could never ever be?

[imonyourside]

yeah coraz, you are right - his stupid ideas are wrong. i just don't know how to leave. we have broken up before but we always end up back together. while i am aware of this now, i'm too stupid to realize he fills my head with all these sweet things and i forget about everything in reality. plus, i'm scared. sometimes when i think about not being with him i get these panic attacks. i feel like i'm not ready to leave him , but then again, i don't know if i will ever be. its almost like i'm waiting on something really big to happen - like he cheats on me or something. and i don't even want it to get to that point. ugh, how frustrating.

 

plus i now have basically no friends and i would be lonely without him.

 

 

elias, thanks for your response.. i know what you were trying to say, you weren't trying to be mean, i just took offense and got upset. you're right, i do want some kind of light to shine to give me hope but i know i will always feel this way and i'm not sure how he feels.

 

i mean after all the stuff i listed , i can only guess that he is obsessed.. right?? i'm starting to doubt myself because i don't want to make a rash decision here. but even if i were to say bluntly "who do you prefer?" i don't think he would answer honestly if his answer was something that would obviously hurt me.

 

how can i go about making new friends?

[Trimmer]

Roughly how old are you now? Do you work? (I don't advise giving too much specific identifying information, but I'm trying to get a feel for the kind of life you have and the time of life that you are in right now...)

 

You said:

...we have managed to pull ourselves away from any friends that we had

How did you get those friends, back when you had them, and how did they get away from you? What kind of a person did you used to be, before you knew him?