confused

[erin]

I need some advice, and by looking at other responses, it looks like I have come to the right place.

 

Two years ago I met a guy. He was a friend of my bestfriends boyfriend. Anyway, he is alot younger than me. I am 29, he is 23. I started seeing him and I really liked him alot, we had only seen each other a total of about 2-3 times before I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to tell him, because I felt like if I did, he would never want to see me again. I felt I should spare him the worry, but it was very hard on me to bear alone. I confided in my best friend, she was there when I took the test. She had asked me what I was going to do and if I was going to tell him. I felt so many things at that moment, shock, fear, and not knowing what I was going to do. She told me that he had the right to know, I was against it, but I knew she was right. I called him and told him. I was so afraid of what he was going to say, but to my surprise he reacted alot differently than what I thought. I could tell he was scared and he did get a little upset, but that is understandable. We didn't talk long, and over the next couple of weeks he would call me. He told me that he was in no way ready for this and he didn't think I was either. I wanted to keep the baby, but I was so scared. I thought about it alot, but I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and did what I thought I had to do at the time. We met at a designated spot and talked about it and he could tell I was very upset about it, he didn't say much, he just listened, and I was mad because I guess I didn't feel like he really cared about the situation, but looking in his eyes I knew he did, he just didn't know how to express it. He hugged me and said he was sorry, but that it was the right thing. He gave me some money and said he would go with me, that I shouldn't have to go alone, which surprised me, but I thanked him and told him no. My mother went with me, and on that day, I lost a part of myself and my heart. I can not forgive myself, nor will I EVER forget. I hated him for a long time and I didn't talk to him or see him for almost a year. Then, his cousin started seeing my brother. Imagine that. We had gone to a party and alot of people were there. I was standing there when I got the strangest feeling, I looked up and he was walking toward me. When I saw him, everything I had tried to forget came back again, this time even stronger. Sharing what we shared together made me feel that much more for him, but I tried to hide it. He came up and hugged me and we talked like we were best friends, we never mentioned what had happened between us. We ended up together that night. We have been seeing each other since March of this year, we arent dating, it's just that I sort of hang out in the same circle of people that he does. As I mentioned his cousin is seeing my brother and so we see each other alot. All of his friends know me and they are all nice to me, and they know about what happened between us although they never say anything. I mentioned to one of his friends about it and I asked him how he knew, and he told me that G (the guy Ive been seeing)had told his brother and him. I asked him if G acted like he even cared and he told me that he did care about what happened and that he was scared. But all his friends say he never says a bad thing about me. And after all of that, when I am around him we always end up together. We have been together countless times. We are not exclusive, although I do not see anyone else, I do not question him about who he sees. I love him more than anything, and I know that he is still young and he doesn't want and really shouldn't need to be tied down right now. It bothers me a little when I see him out with anyone, although I never really see him with anyone, but when I do, I know him and I know that they are just for one thing. I guess maybe everyone might think that is what I am for, but if he didn't care he wouldn't have come back to me, or been with me after what happened between he and I. After he has been with a girl, he doesn't keep going back to them. I told him a couple of months ago that I cared for him alot, I think it scared him, he looked at me and put his hand on my chin and kissed me on the cheek and said that was sweet, but to not care about him because he was a single guy. But, I for sure thought that would scare him off, and I tell his friends all the time how much I love him and I know they tell him everything, and still he talks to me and pulls me over when he sees me. And he has never said he loves me, although sometimes I don't know if he is joking around or if he is serious, when he is kind of making jokes at my expense, he sees it bothers me and he just says you know I love you! We have a chemistry together that I have NEVER had with anyone else. I know he feels the same. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I went out with his cousin and we had alot to drink. She and I went over to this house that he and his friends were at and we walked in. She walked off and I went to find her and she was in a back room, and there she was standing over a bed with 2 people in it. The guy was laying on his stomach and had his face turned away from me and the girl was just laying there. It looked like they had their clothes on. I didn't realize even who it was until his cousin told me it was him. What heart I had left, broke right then and there. I had said I didn't care about seeing him with other women, but .. this somehow was different, I know that he has been with her the past couple of weekends, and to see him actually in bed with someone else just about killed me. I was so hurt and so mad. I just started yelling at him, but he never ever, turned his head around were I could see his face. He never said a word. His friend told my friend to get me out of there, but she didn't have to, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. But no matter where I went, the memory of what I had just seen stuck in my mind, and I just keep seeing it and seeing it and the madder and more hurt I got. Well, I left, but I went back. I didn't go in the house, instead I stayed outside and no one knows I was there and I did something stupid. He knows definitely that it was me because I was so mad. I know he is really mad now, but I was so hurt. Anyone who has someone they love and feel very passionate about knows when you are so full of anger and hurt, you will do anything. I feel really bad about it now, but I can't take it back and I don't know if he will forgive me. I still love him but he has to know that hurt me and I did what I did because I do love him. I have been through alot with him. I don't know what I should do. Should I just forget everything that has happened between us in the past two years, or what? I dont really know how he feels. I am sure he hates me right now and that hurts!! It is my fault but, he hurt me too! Can anyone give me some advice on what I should do?

[Billie]

Darlin, there will be no deep love coming from him, if there were he wouldn't have been with all the other women, he would have said that he loved yolu so that it left no doubt in your mind that he did, he is still a child, and it sounds like he always will be. He sought you out last time because he didn't have anyone else. Just give him up and try to find someone who is your age or older otherwise your life will be over before his really begins. Yes he will more than likely forgive you when he gets lonely again, but be strong there is someone out there for you, he just isn't it. No matter how much you want him to be, he won't change and suddenly realize that he has been wrong all this time. Move on and when you look back remember the good times and simply realize that it was nice while it lasted but you need something more than he could ever give you. I hope this helps. Be well darlin, and remember someone will come and be all you hope for someday soon.

[clementine]

Erin, forget about him! You keep referring to "what you two had" and it doesn't sound like you had a whole lot except for sex and pain.

 

I don't mean be harsh with you, but for a 29 year old, I wonder if you know what love means? You say you love him, but all he's really shown you is a great deal of hurt. Certainly love takes care of its responsibilties, and love is apparent in action (time spent together) and through word. It doesn't sound as if you haven't been receiving either. I'm sure you could have used his friendship through your troubling time.

 

Girlfriend, go find you someone who responds to you with respect. Find someone who wants to share your life. If its a relationship you're after, you may want to begin with a man of maturity. SOmeone who knows how to treat a woman and respect her.

 

But the first thing you need to do is find the self-respect and love from within. Until then, you'll keep spinning your wheels, coming up with zeros, and cheating yourself out of happiness. Try some self-discovery and personal inventory. Good Luck to you my friend.

I need some advice, and by looking at other responses, it looks like I have come to the right place. Two years ago I met a guy. He was a friend of my bestfriends boyfriend. Anyway, he is alot younger than me. I am 29, he is 23. I started seeing him and I really liked him alot, we had only seen each other a total of about 2-3 times before I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to tell him, because I felt like if I did, he would never want to see me again. I felt I should spare him the worry, but it was very hard on me to bear alone. I confided in my best friend, she was there when I took the test. She had asked me what I was going to do and if I was going to tell him. I felt so many things at that moment, shock, fear, and not knowing what I was going to do. She told me that he had the right to know, I was against it, but I knew she was right. I called him and told him. I was so afraid of what he was going to say, but to my surprise he reacted alot differently than what I thought. I could tell he was scared and he did get a little upset, but that is understandable. We didn't talk long, and over the next couple of weeks he would call me. He told me that he was in no way ready for this and he didn't think I was either. I wanted to keep the baby, but I was so scared. I thought about it alot, but I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and did what I thought I had to do at the time. We met at a designated spot and talked about it and he could tell I was very upset about it, he didn't say much, he just listened, and I was mad because I guess I didn't feel like he really cared about the situation, but looking in his eyes I knew he did, he just didn't know how to express it. He hugged me and said he was sorry, but that it was the right thing. He gave me some money and said he would go with me, that I shouldn't have to go alone, which surprised me, but I thanked him and told him no. My mother went with me, and on that day, I lost a part of myself and my heart. I can not forgive myself, nor will I EVER forget. I hated him for a long time and I didn't talk to him or see him for almost a year. Then, his cousin started seeing my brother. Imagine that. We had gone to a party and alot of people were there. I was standing there when I got the strangest feeling, I looked up and he was walking toward me. When I saw him, everything I had tried to forget came back again, this time even stronger. Sharing what we shared together made me feel that much more for him, but I tried to hide it. He came up and hugged me and we talked like we were best friends, we never mentioned what had happened between us. We ended up together that night. We have been seeing each other since March of this year, we arent dating, it's just that I sort of hang out in the same circle of people that he does. As I mentioned his cousin is seeing my brother and so we see each other alot. All of his friends know me and they are all nice to me, and they know about what happened between us although they never say anything. I mentioned to one of his friends about it and I asked him how he knew, and he told me that G (the guy Ive been seeing)had told his brother and him. I asked him if G acted like he even cared and he told me that he did care about what happened and that he was scared. But all his friends say he never says a bad thing about me. And after all of that, when I am around him we always end up together. We have been together countless times. We are not exclusive, although I do not see anyone else, I do not question him about who he sees. I love him more than anything, and I know that he is still young and he doesn't want and really shouldn't need to be tied down right now. It bothers me a little when I see him out with anyone, although I never really see him with anyone, but when I do, I know him and I know that they are just for one thing. I guess maybe everyone might think that is what I am for, but if he didn't care he wouldn't have come back to me, or been with me after what happened between he and I. After he has been with a girl, he doesn't keep going back to them. I told him a couple of months ago that I cared for him alot, I think it scared him, he looked at me and put his hand on my chin and kissed me on the cheek and said that was sweet, but to not care about him because he was a single guy. But, I for sure thought that would scare him off, and I tell his friends all the time how much I love him and I know they tell him everything, and still he talks to me and pulls me over when he sees me. And he has never said he loves me, although sometimes I don't know if he is joking around or if he is serious, when he is kind of making jokes at my expense, he sees it bothers me and he just says you know I love you! We have a chemistry together that I have NEVER had with anyone else. I know he feels the same. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I went out with his cousin and we had alot to drink. She and I went over to this house that he and his friends were at and we walked in. She walked off and I went to find her and she was in a back room, and there she was standing over a bed with 2 people in it. The guy was laying on his stomach and had his face turned away from me and the girl was just laying there. It looked like they had their clothes on. I didn't realize even who it was until his cousin told me it was him. What heart I had left, broke right then and there. I had said I didn't care about seeing him with other women, but .. this somehow was different, I know that he has been with her the past couple of weekends, and to see him actually in bed with someone else just about killed me. I was so hurt and so mad. I just started yelling at him, but he never ever, turned his head around were I could see his face. He never said a word. His friend told my friend to get me out of there, but she didn't have to, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. But no matter where I went, the memory of what I had just seen stuck in my mind, and I just keep seeing it and seeing it and the madder and more hurt I got. Well, I left, but I went back. I didn't go in the house, instead I stayed outside and no one knows I was there and I did something stupid. He knows definitely that it was me because I was so mad. I know he is really mad now, but I was so hurt. Anyone who has someone they love and feel very passionate about knows when you are so full of anger and hurt, you will do anything. I feel really bad about it now, but I can't take it back and I don't know if he will forgive me. I still love him but he has to know that hurt me and I did what I did because I do love him. I have been through alot with him. I don't know what I should do. Should I just forget everything that has happened between us in the past two years, or what? I dont really know how he feels. I am sure he hates me right now and that hurts!! It is my fault but, he hurt me too! Can anyone give me some advice on what I should do?