My Wife of 14 Years Cheated, now what

[GoingGoing]

About a month ago, my wife of 14 years did not show up after a work related party. She called me on the way home and I could tell she had a few in her. She said she was near and would be home soon. She never arrived. At 5 am I called the police and issued a missing persons report. Although it was a Thursday night, she was not due at work the next day. She had another meeting. When the cops got ahold of her, all they would tell me was she was alright and she would not tell them where she was. When I got ahold of her she told me she went to a bar and met a man. She then said she drove home and sat in the driveway for awhile and then made the descision to go back to the bar and go home with the guy.

 

Now I am questioning everything she does and its driving me nuts. We have two kids and she is the breadwinner. As a matter of fact she has a very successful high profile job with a major corporation. This job has her traveling all over the world.

 

She claims she has not had any other affairs before this one and did it because she was sexually frustrated and very horny. We have not been getting along and I slept on the couch most nights. We had sex every 1-2 months. I started sleeping on the couch because she was rejecting me and I got frustrated to the point I could not stand it.

 

She says she loves me but I saw a note she sent to a friend last night that said that our relationship is dysfunctional and she would like to be friends with me if we divorce. That is a fantasy. If I can't have her why would I want to put myself through the frustrations of a friendship?

 

She seems to be tolerating my efforts to re-ignite our relationship. But she is as busy as ever and does not seem to be taking any of the blame for this latest setback. She says it was just sex. I cannot help but think she has done this before or that she is having an affair at work. I cannot prove anything and am seeking counsiling.

 

What should I do? If it was just sex, I can forgive her for that. If she is lying, it will eventually come out and I will be hurt all over again.

[utwonderwoman]

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I highly recommend that you post this on the Marriage or Infidelity forum. You will get more responses from people who have been in the same situation or similiar.

 

I am so sorry that this is happening. I cannot even imagine what you are going through right now.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm sorry to say this, but I doubt this is the first time she's betrayed you.

 

Rarely do cheaters give you the whole story -- they give you as much as they think they need to. There are different motives for this: sometimes it's out of a genuine, if misguided, sense of "what my H/W doesn't know won't hurt them"; and sometimes it's simply because the full truth is so much worse and they don't want to deal with the consequences of that. And sometimes, they're just dishonest individuals, end of story.

 

In your case, your W travels a lot, all over the world. She describes your relationship, to others, as dysfunctional. Being in a foreign country is the perfect opportunity for her to cheat with little chance of you finding out.

 

Fundamentally, I'd be willing to bet that she has little to no respect for you. And that, unfortunately, may well be due to the complete reversal of gender roles in your situation. She's high-powered and financially successful, while you stay home and look after the kids. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that if both partners are genuinely happy with that arrangement. But, my gut tells me that she isn't happy with that aspect in your case.

 

If all of the above is true, she is probably staying with you because she knows that she has a lot to lose in a divorce. If you haven't worked in a few years, she'll have to pay you spousal support. You'll be entitled to half of your marital assets. You, on the other hand, have considerably less to lose.

 

Only you can decide whether or not there's something in your marriage worth salvaging. But in any event, my advice to you is to get your ass back to work as quickly as possible. Upgrade your skills if you have to. If that involves retraining or going back to school, then your wife should have absolutely no problem with that if she's interested in making the marriage work. Whether the marriage continues or not, the status quo isn't going to help you.

[Bryanp]

I agree that in all probability this is not the first time for her cheating on you. She is so blantant about it. I hope you have been checked for STD's. Her comment that hey it was just sex shows you how little respect she has for you. If the roles were reversed and you told your wife to get over the fact that you screwed another woman because it was just sex how do you think she would react? It is clear she has no respect for you. I would be thinking of seeing an attorney to understand your options.

[mental_traveller]

About a month ago, my wife of 14 years did not show up after a work related party. She called me on the way home and I could tell she had a few in her. She said she was near and would be home soon. She never arrived. At 5 am I called the police and issued a missing persons report. Although it was a Thursday night, she was not due at work the next day. She had another meeting. When the cops got ahold of her, all they would tell me was she was alright and she would not tell them where she was. When I got ahold of her she told me she went to a bar and met a man. She then said she drove home and sat in the driveway for awhile and then made the descision to go back to the bar and go home with the guy.

 

Now I am questioning everything she does and its driving me nuts. We have two kids and she is the breadwinner. As a matter of fact she has a very successful high profile job with a major corporation. This job has her traveling all over the world.

 

She claims she has not had any other affairs before this one and did it because she was sexually frustrated and very horny. We have not been getting along and I slept on the couch most nights. We had sex every 1-2 months. I started sleeping on the couch because she was rejecting me and I got frustrated to the point I could not stand it.

 

She says she loves me but I saw a note she sent to a friend last night that said that our relationship is dysfunctional and she would like to be friends with me if we divorce. That is a fantasy. If I can't have her why would I want to put myself through the frustrations of a friendship?

 

She seems to be tolerating my efforts to re-ignite our relationship. But she is as busy as ever and does not seem to be taking any of the blame for this latest setback. She says it was just sex. I cannot help but think she has done this before or that she is having an affair at work. I cannot prove anything and am seeking counsiling.

 

What should I do? If it was just sex, I can forgive her for that. If she is lying, it will eventually come out and I will be hurt all over again.

 

Speak to a lawyer and ask him for an estimate of what kind of assets and alimony you can get (assuming she makes lots more than you). If it's enough for you to continue without financial hardship, then get divorced asap.

 

If it would be hard to get a divorce, or you don't want to, then just find a hot babe or two to have an affair with on the side. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

[LakesideDream]

It's a terrible situation for you to be in. Assuming you have no history of infidelity, you are probably deeply depressed.

 

Nowhere in your post does it say that your wife has promised not to repeat the "just sex" with another man. You are adamant that you have been "cut off" from sexual contact by her. This is not a sustainable situation/condition.

 

As posted before, I suggest you contact an attorney. Becoming a single parent will be a huge responsibility. The reality that you can sue for divorce, receive custody of the children, and collect both child support and alimony may shock her into cleaning up her act. It's worked on lots of men. Families need two parents, and trying to keep yours together should be a priority.

 

I hope you can deal with the reality and mental images of your wife being penetrated by another man/men. Some people both male and female cannot get past that.

 

I feel badly for you.

[Spectre]

What should I do? If it was just sex, I can forgive her for that.

 

 

Why would you forgive her for it? News flash buddy: your wife is a slut. Find a woman who can keep herself from not screwing other men. The fact that her attitude is "it was just sex" which tells me she is so non-chalant about the situation is mindblowing, especially if children are involved. What kind of person cheats on the father of her children and then doesnt seem to care?

 

Then you are actually willing to forgive her if it was "just sex" ? lol, why not just tape a sign to your back that says 'feel free to walk all over me'

 

 

Not to sound harsh, but have some self respect, this woman who is your *wife* treated you with zero respect. Divorce her, divorce her very quickly. If you tell this woman you forgive her, then you might as well just castrate yourself.

 

Don't use the kids as an excuse not to divorce her, because your marriage is ruined either way, so why not spare them having to grow up around that? And when they ask the reason why your family split up, tell them they'll understand when they're older, and when they are older: tell them momma was a ho, and that was that. She deserves nothing less, a truly caring mother would not of put her entire family at risk for some d*ck.

 

 

It is quite sickening the nerve people have and the way they treat other people this day and age, sickening indeed.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude let's look at this realistically. She travels over the world, is the major bread winner, leaves you at home with the kids, runs off to bars, while your worried about her. Dude she isnt respecting her marraige or you or both. I bet she wants this divorce I'd say give it to her. Why should you suffer cause she wants to be a selfish bitch. I'd say file for divorce seperate your assets and put your house on the market and go see what a lawyer says. Maybe there is a way to kick her out legally and retain the house.

 

Or maybe you can stay for the kids and just take care of yourself. Such as going to college or getting a better paying job outside the home.

 

I read in between the lines of your post that you realy love this woman, I see that in your words. but it sounds to me like she is going through a mid-life crisis. She didnt know if this man she had sex with had an STD and she still went back and slept with him??? WTF???

 

Also you found the letter about her not wanting to be married to you? Why are you tolerating it? I'd say get your ducks in a row and prepare for war. Do what must be done. I'd say if she's doing all these things like witholding sex and whatnot to hurt you. It isnt nice. You can do better than that in a new marriage or relationship. Sometimes these things dont work out. At least you can say that 14 years was a great run.

[chaos40]

you add "gone" to the end of your name .. so that it reads

 

goinggoinggone..

 

that pretty much sums up my advice to you for this situation

 

did it once ..she'll do it again

 

they always do

[Sup]

I agree, Divorce her! Go for sole custody, but make sure that you get a DNA test to make sure the children are yours. Go for child support, alimony, hey it works for women. She's probably done this before, this is just the tip of the iceberg!

[sealerpal]

Don't divorce her. Stand your ground, keep the marriage together. If possible beat the crap out of the guy she cheated on you with. Seek marriage counseling. You both made a vow before God, so honor it. Too many people use divorce (and the law in general) to solve their problems these days. Do it the old fashioned way. Just my 2 cents.