Dumped because you wouldn't marry

[fluffy0]

Is there anyone here who was dumped because their SO gave them an ultamatum to either get married or leave, or who were just dumped outright because they didn't want to get married and their partner did?

[jerbear]

I had friends who got dumped because of marriage or lack of marriage.

 

It goes with the getting the milk without getting the cow view. This was used on LS a few times.

 

Marriage to some is a big step in commitment and leaving the relationship due to that is a step.

 

Marriage is big for some people.

[amaysngrace]

I have never heard of anyone getting dumped for not wanting to get married before.

 

Shouldn't this have been discussed at the beginning of the relationship to see if both people were on the same page where marriage was concerned before becoming completely invested into the relationship?

 

I think this whole scenario could be avoided if this one conversation took place way back when, you know?

[adnCat]

I have never heard of anyone getting dumped for not wanting to get married before.

 

Shouldn't this have been discussed at the beginning of the relationship to see if both people were on the same page where marriage was concerned before becoming completely invested into the relationship?

 

I think this whole scenario could be avoided if this one conversation took place way back when, you know?

 

I've heard of this plenty! In fact, I think a lot of people come here posting about whether or not they should end a relationship because one person wanted to get married and the other wasn't ready.

 

You are seriously oversimplifying here. Two people could want marriage as a life goal, but a difference in timing of the desires could complicate things. Few, if any, know at the beginning of a relationship if they want to marry that person or not, or when the will feel ready to marry that person.

 

I highly doubt that "one conversation, way back when" would be sufficient to avoid this.

 

Believe me, I've lived it. We were both interested in a long term relationship ending in marriage, and we talked about that. But when marriage would happen was a big issue. I never issued an ultimatum, though. And it took a while, but we are engaged and planning the marriage now.

 

I don't think that ultimatums should ever be done in a relationship, but leaving someone because you are ready for marriage and they are not is okay. Without the ultimatum, I mean.

[bab]

My H and his ex-gf broke up over the marriage issue. They dated for 6 years and she started pressuring him to get married after year 3, and continued until he finally broke it off with her. Before you jump on the "6 years! She was justified" bandwagon, they started dating when they were 15, so she started pressuring him when they turned the ripe old age of 18, and didn't stop until he broke it off at 21. He says all the pressure had an extremely negative effect on their relationship.

[hotgurl]

my friend broke up with her bf over that issue. they were together almost 7 years. and he keep saying he would propose etc etc..

 

 

He knew she wouldn't wait forever so she set a deadline for herself and when it became clear he wasn't going to propose she left.

[amaysngrace]

Few, if any, know at the beginning of a relationship if they want to marry that person or not, or when the will feel ready to marry that person.

 

I highly doubt that "one conversation, way back when" would be sufficient to avoid this.

 

 

I'm not saying you should know right away if this is the "one" but after you make a decision that they are someone you'd like to definitely become involved with, the conversation of life goals should take place at some point. To see their view on religion, marriage, children, etc. These things should be discussed fairly early into the relationship if you are a marriage-minded individual IMO.

 

Otherwise, you may find yourself giving in to a relationship that won't fulfill what you desire, all because you hadn't bothered to talk about it.

 

You say sometimes the timing is just wrong. Well there is where compromise comes in. Marriage is based on compromise. Sometimes people need to bend.

 

But I do think that if one person is wanting marriage so badly that they issue an ultimatum but the other person wants out, then I say something's been wrong from the start. How could one person fall so deeply for someone enough to want to spend their life with them then turn control-freak while the other is so indifferent? This is a happy couple?

 

By the way, congratulations on the engagement!

[Guest]

I am currently in this situation. I dated my boyfriend for nearly five years. I was 18 and he was 20 when we started dating. We fell in love and he was the one that kept talking about marriage and our future together etc etc. About 2 years into the relationship that he wanted to take a break and date other people until there were any serious commitments b/n us. He was very hung up on the issue of only having been with me and wanted to experience more. We broke it off for about a month but he then wanted to get back together and had changed his mind about being with other girls. So then back to us..at that point he was still talking about marriage, but then he would jump back and forth from i dont want to talk about it until im ready, i see it happening but i dont want to talk about it and then one night when we were hanging out with all his guy friends the topic of marriage had come up and he had come out and said that he never wanted to get married and someone had said well you just havent found the right person yet and he said there isnt anyone better for me than what i have right now i just dont want to get married. I was hurt when i heard this but being so young still I think i was probably about 21 or so and knew that i didnt want to get married right away kinda pushed this aside. Then almost a year ago now he brought up the issue again of taking a break b/c he really wasnt quite sure what he wanted outta life and wanted some time to figure it out...well that lasted only 2 days until he wanted to "forget about it" well when he broke it off i was crushed so when 2 days later he was back I wanted to be with him, I was happy. Yea I look back and was foolish for not putting my foot down at that point and saying no you need to go figure things out but live and learn i guess. Well now 2 months ago we broke up...the reason being is because he has come to the conclusion that he doesnt want to get married and that it was not a goal in his life but he knew that i want a life of kids and marriage and that ultimately he was not being fair to me. He had said that it got to the point where he felt like he didnt have a choice because he felt like he was only dragging me along and had said that he didnt want to just drag me along until i was 30, 40 years old and in the mean time things would have gotten harder and harder and he still wouldnt want any of that. He also said that he wanted to break it off this time rather than take a break and give me false hope. He says that he never thought that I wasnt the right girl for him or anything like that he just doesnt want to get married and doesnt see it in his future. He is now 25 and I am 22 soon to be 23. Its very hard and we still talk and have seen each other a few times. When i mention whether or not this is really it forever b/n us he says he doesnt know. In the 5 years we have been in each other lives we have never been out of each others lives and I guess what I am saying is that only time will tell. A part of me feels as if he is confused about things and truly isnt sure about what he wants in life. I love him and I know he loves me. I guess at this point only time will tell. If we are meant to be together we will be. And that is what I keep telling myself. I also know in my heart that it is possible that he isnt confused and truly knows what he wants in the future.

[melodymatters]

(oooh oohh, hand up in the air).!!! yeah, I'm one of those "old fashioned gals that still believe that if you find somone you want to share your mind, heart , body and soul with for the rest of your lives, then making each other family ( via marriage) is a natural next step.

 

I would never push my beliefs on anyone, about anything, I am VERY live and let live.

 

So, I wisely, in early talks suss out their view on marriage. My last serious BF, would say things like " yeah, if i got married again I would want to do it in a church, or with my family there, etc"

 

eventually he proposed to me on a new years in front of our friends ( albiet with no ring, and asked again more romantically in private " will you be my wife ?" )

 

Sooo, long story short, a few months later when I bring it up in light conversation, he now " no longer belives in marriage."

 

This man loves me with all his heart and tells me and everyone around that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him etc.

 

So yeah, I DID ask up front. And I WOULD, at 40 yrs old feel like I was taking care of MY wants and needs if at some point I said " honey, we love each other so much and you are my best friend, but if that is your final, no compromise stance, than you are actually putting your feelings way ahead of mine and I am compromising on my heart held values, so think about it long and hard, because we may not be suited to each other in that case"

 

Is that an evil ultimatum, or me ( at 40) choosing to not settle for a situation that isn't comfortable to my heart ?

[amaysngrace]

 

Is that an evil ultimatum, or me ( at 40) choosing to not settle for a situation that isn't comfortable to my heart ?

 

I think ultimatums are necessary at times just to make it clear how firmly you are on a subject. I don't think there is anything wrong with them at all as long as you aren't bluffing.

 

But if an ultimatum is given on marriage then I think it's better that the two people don't get married. Either way it's cause for resentment AFAICS.

[Missy M]

I've been with my bf for almost 7 years. I've now set a date in my head and if he hasn't proposed by then, I am out the door. It's like a feeling of costant rejection and I cannot cope with it much longer. I'm almost 28 and I feel the need to start a family soon. If he can't commit to me, I don't expect him to commit to kids, so I need to leave before long if he can't bring himself to propose. I'm not getting any younger.

 

It breaks my heart, but I don't know what else to do