Dont know what to do

[Confused in Mn]

Hello, I am new to this post, please bear with me if my story is kind of long.

 

I met Linda 4 years ago at a church function, she is now 45 and I am 43. I was married in my 20's, and she has never been married, the first 2 years we were together were great, the last 2 have not been good and bad. we must of broke up 10 times in the last 2 years, and most of the time I was the one putting "us" back together.

 

we had talked about marrage, but after about 2 1/2 years she said she was not so sure we could ever get married, but we keep seeing each other. I guess I was hopeing she would change her mind.

 

this last Aug she told me we should go our own ways, she has issues with me. she thinks I spend to much time hunting in the fall, different political views. I have land in a remote area which is a 6 hour drive away. I love it very much there, she says its to far to drive for her.

 

I also have 2 collector cars and If we had ever got married I would want a very large garage for them. she thinks a large garage would be "icky looking next to a house" we also have very different tastes in music, she hates what I like and vice versa, but the biggest issue is that she was a christian but the last few years she has let this part of her life slip away.

 

so the past 2 years she has been trying to be a better christian living the way God wants us to. I am also a christian but I did not take it as seriously as her. I think I was trying to be better in my faith for her which is the wrong reason. she saw through this, but for the last 6 months I have been really trying for myself.

 

anyhow when she told me this in augest I felt bad we have been best friends for most of our time together. its funny we dont have a lot in common, but we have so much fun together. Her big passion is her yard, lots of pools and flowers. I think I became a threat to her world, she is very independent I sometimes think she thought marring me would change her world to much.

 

in Aug she said she loves me but is not in love with me and that is the problem, she said she wants to be in love with me but the issues we have are to much for her. I think the issues can be worked out, being friends she says might be to hard on me because she knows I want more.

 

then a week later in Sept we are together watching a movie and having a great time, she has her arm around me as we are watching the movie. Very confusing for me. I truley believe that we could work things out again fo good this time. Relgion was the Big issue, I feel I am becomming a better christian for myself now.

 

Heres the story now, In early Oct I called her up and she said I just sent You a E-Mail. When I called she was heading out the door, I asked If I could call her later and she said I dont know, So I did but she never returned my call. Her E-mail said " I think we need some time to back off from our relationship, dont You think its hard to be friends if we cant be more? I am still working through all that", we her exact words.

 

then the E-mail ended with some small talk about the Minnesota Twins. she did not say goodbuy or good luck or anything like that, I replied but she did not reply back.

 

so it has been 10 weeks now, I have not heard from her, I have not tried to contact her in any, should I? I really loved her and wanted it to work out, but now most of all I feel bad about maybe loosing my best friend more than a relationship. I would like to be her friend again with no expactions for more. If it happens fine, But I would not push for that again, maybe we should of been friends first all along.

 

am I doing the right thing with leaving her alone? My gut feeling is I will hear from her again, but what she will have to say I dont know. I was thinking I might contact her later this winter if I get over missing her, than maybe we can be the friends we should have been from the start. what do You all think?

 

Thanks for hearing me out

[ACE123]

I'd have to use this analogy:

 

You spend all fall looking for that big whittail buck you KNOW is in those hills somewhere.

Finally, near the end of the season, you see it, the perfect shot!

So..., you take it, bring it home, butcher it, then mount the head.

While you are sitting down for that big 'ol deer steak you have been craving all year, your mouth is drippin with saliva in anticipation for that juicy hunk o' meat.

 

Next thing you know, you are gaggin, and spitin 'cause it tastes like crap!!!

 

The moral:

 

I don't matter how much work you put into something, sometimes, It just isn't meant to be.

 

I really don't think that the two of you have enough common interests to have a relationship, no matter how bad you want it.

 

Especially, considering that a big cause of your quarrels was due to religion, a deeply personal and (sounds to me) very signifigant part of your life!

 

I think you should let this doe go, and wait till next season.

 

 

By the way, your collector cars, what are they?

 

Cheers!

 

ACE123

[Confused in Mn]

It's her who was into reglion more than me, I keep trying, but would keep letting her down. Maybe next year for the big buck.

 

31 auburn and 69 gtx

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

 

I believe I picked up a few things from your post.

 

I think she is quite controlling, quite set in her ways, and she's had difficulty accepting the fact that "you are you"-- someone with differing opinions on things/interests/etc. Bottom line, she sounds quite selfish to me, and expecting her 'own way' a lot....and when she realizes you're not going to change who you are to "please her", she then ends things (the reference you made that you've broken up many times over the past 2 yrs and that YOU Have always been the one to try to patch things up and get back together).

 

There are much more significant things to complain about in a boyfriend, than the fact that he hunts, has collector cars, has some land a few hours away. She sounds quite spoiled, and expecting a boyfriend to be a total "clone" of herself.

 

The fact that after the time you spent together, she hasn't even bothered "as a friend" to contact you over the past 10 weeks, I'd say that speaks volumes. She MAY HAVE BEEN your best friend, but she surely doesn't act like much of a friend now....and the way she seemed (from what I sensed in your post) to belittle you for your differing interests/views, etc....well, do you really think she truly WAS a 'best friend'? Best Friends accept each other just as they are.

 

I gathered from your post that you were always the one to give in, to compromise, to make peace, to apologize, to try and patch things up, etc. Is that accurate?

 

Did you put a lot more effort into your relationship than she did?

 

She's obviously hurt you, don't you think?

 

I don't encourage you to hold a grudge, and it doesn't sound like you are at all..........but for now, I'd say just do your best to get over her, get out and meet new people....and trust that God has someone out there for you......and you don't want to be with anyone OTHER than that one special person. Is it her? Might be, might not be. Have faith that the right person will come into your life at the right time.....and until then, don't settle for crap from a woman. :-)

 

Take good care! Keep us posted on how things go.

[ACE123]

Sorry, I meant to say:

...relegion is a very signifigant part of HER life!

 

As far as waiting till next season, just remember, oppurtunities can arise when you least expect it.

 

oh, BTW: I used to own a 69 Sattelite. Gotta love those old Mopars! I'm currently restoring a 1971 Ford Torino....yeah, yeah... I know it's a Ford!

[moimeme]

There are different sorts of couples and different sorts of relationships. Some couples do 'their own thing' a lot; others like to be together all the time. Some, like the famous politicos whose names escape me, can be so different that nobody can even imagine why they're together.

 

I disagree, JustA - things like hunting, country living, and politics can be quite important to a person who would like a marriage which is built on a lot of shared values and interests. Once you hit a certain age, it's not all that romantic to give up your home and other things you love for some fellow, particularly if you've already been divorced once. Then you start figuring that you should find someone who fits with you rather than giving so much up for him. She's not spoiled; she just knows her own mind and what her needs are.

 

I have managed to be friends with former boyfriends, but it sometimes takes time to get back to that state. You could try to do that, but you would have to be absolutely sure you weren't just hanging in there hoping she'd wear down eventually. If you have that much fun together, she may miss that.

 

I know a woman who was on the other side of a relationship like yours. She couldn't figure out why the fellow didn't get that he just wasn't her type, though she did treasure him as a friend. If you can really, truly, deal with her on that level, then give it a try - but perhaps you should try to find another girlfriend first so that she'll know you really mean it when you say you're not still hoping for that with her.

[Just A Girl2]

I disagree, JustA - things like hunting, country living, and politics can be quite important to a person who would like a marriage which is built on a lot of shared values and interests. Once you hit a certain age, it's not all that romantic to give up your home and other things you love for some fellow, particularly if you've already been divorced once. Then you start figuring that you should find someone who fits with you rather than giving so much up for him. She's not spoiled; she just knows her own mind and what her needs are.

 

I know what you're saying, I do.......but, they were together for 4 yrs. Surely if these different interests were such a big obstacle for her, why did she stay with him for 4 yrs, though ragging about these different interests? The comment she made, in regards to his 2 collectors cars.....that he'd need a place with a large garage to store them in, and she said it would be "icky" to have a large garage.......I dunno, that just sounds rather snooty and outrageous to me. Hell, most people would LOVE to have, say, a 3 car garage!

 

I just got the sense that she was belittling him for being different than her. It's good to have common interests with one's partner, but it's just as important to have individual interests.....I think.

 

Why string someone along for 4 whole years, if their differing interests bug you? or you just can't relate to them? just don't want any part of them? At least he HAS interests. How many men go to work, come home, become an instant Lazy-Boy Test pilot, grab the remote, and do nothing but watch TV all night, then go to bed, and do the same thing the next day. Or, spend it out in a bar getting drunk and picking up women. Maybe it's just me but I respect a guy who has his own interests.....even if they're not mine.

 

My ex hubby hunted, and ice fished, and fished, and camped and did target shooting, and went snowmobiling.....I'd really not done any of these things til I met him. Most women I knew wouldn't have, either......but hey, I was game to broaden my horizons and try new things......learn new things. why not?

[Confused in Mn]

Sounds like You know Linda, yes it was me most of the time when we broke up trying to put it back together, it does hurt, I dont know, but my gut feeling tells me I will hear from her again, I do agree with You that at times she does seem selfish, I think I am going to leave it up to God, if it turns Linda is not the one for me, great, if not maybe he will have another for me, only time will tell.

[Confused in Mn]

What I ment to say was if God brings us together again great, if not then maybe there will be someone else,

[Confused in Mn]

You have some good points, but she was never married, I was the one who is divorced, and I was willing to move into her place so she would not have to give up her gardens which is her main passion, maybe You are right about contacting her when I am in a better frame of mind, as in not worrying about loosing her as a girlfriend and just being a friend.

[Confused in Mn]

What I ment to say was if it turns out that Linda is the one for me great, if not than maybe God has someone else for me, I will let You know If I hear from her or if I decide to contact her.

Thanks again