Dont know what to do

[sweetgirl]

I recently met a guy who is funny and sweet and loves being with me. The problem is that he is currently going through some personal growth stuff which has him trying to change his behavioural patterns in relationships.

 

In his past relationships, he has gone all out with romantic gestures and all that, but now he is telling me that he has gone into selfish mode because doing the other stuff has got him into lots of trouble. I know he is attracted to me (he has told me this), and he has also told me that he is fighting the old behaviours because he wants to do romantic gestures with me, but that is the old him, and the new him doesnt want to do this.

 

This sounds really weird I know, especially as he wants to continue seeing me every day etc, but he doesnt want to lose my friendship as our relationship in that way is more important to him than anything. Now I would normally believe him, but 3 times before I have been told exactly the same thing, and it goes ok until they find themselves a girlfriend, and then I get dumped as a friend as well. So then I am without platonic friends as well.

 

I am a little depressed over this (as well as the fact that it is christmas and I am all alone this year - which is a different issue) but I could do with some help here.

 

I apologise for being a bit of a whinging ninny here. And merry christmas to you all :-)

[Just A Girl2]

You wrote:

 

In his past relationships, he has gone all out with romantic gestures and all that, but now he is telling me that he has gone into selfish mode because doing the other stuff has got him into lots of trouble. I know he is attracted to me (he has told me this), and he has also told me that he is fighting the old behaviours because he wants to do romantic gestures with me, but that is the old him, and the new him doesnt want to do this.

 

Did he elaborate a little more on this? Did he give any examples of what he'd describe as having "gone all out" in the past? For example, one guy's idea of being romantic could be to take a girl to McDonald's for lunch..while another guy's idea might be to buy her 3 dozen long-stemmed roses.

 

What's this "bit" about him saying that in past, doing these romantic things "got him into lots of trouble" ??? Like how? Financially? Was his idea of romantic gestures, some girl's idea of stalking? Did he explain this at all? Did you ask what he meant?

 

What ages are you both, just out of curiosity?

 

A little weird, if you ask me, for him to have told you all this.......especially so soon after first meeting you. Is he trying to impress you by telling you that he was romantic with other girls, but with you he's a new person and is now a selfish guy?

 

Do you suspect that maybe his 'stuff' about him trying to be a different person in terms of being romantic, and him saying he doesn't want to lose your friendship, is maybe his way of telling you that he JUST wants to be friends?

[midori]

I hate to say it but I think the most important word in what this guy has said to you is "selfish." Why should his "personal growth" justify not treating you with the respect and attention due his lover or the woman he's courting?

 

You're supposed to understand that you won't be treated like the woman he wants to be with, because he's had some bad experiences with other women? So it sounds like his "personal growth" is about getting over a woman in his past ... which means you probably don't want to get involved with him at the moment.

 

I think your instinct about this being a convenient thing for him until he finds someone that he wants to treat like a real girlfriend is sound. He has issued a not-so-subtle warning: you enter into a relationship with him at your own risk. You can't assume anything, or rely on him. He's got his ready-made excuse. What you can do is choose not to accept it. I sure wouldn't.