8 Months of NC...then BAM

[SoxPrincess]

exMM starts emailing me like crazy...every single day I didn't respond to any of the emails, but I did read them and after I read them all, I blocked his email address. I'm done with it and want absolutely nothing to do with his situation. Why the hell do they do stuff like that? After an awful DDay, the W being told (by me) and absolute zero contact for months..why the hell come back to ME?? I can understand he is familiar with me, so in that sense, it's easier than seeking out a "new" OW, but he was the one who said I was nuts amongst many other hateful words (for contacting W), so why bother with ME?

 

exMM was a classic, fell head over heals in love with me, we vacationed together, he made promises of divorce, moving out and having a life with me because his marriage had been dead for years. Like a dummy, I believed it ALL and while he moved out, everything else was a lie. He once started an argument with me because I asked if things didn't work out between him and I, would he go back to W. He screamed and yelled at me that I was crazy to even ask that and if it didn't work out with us, he would still continue the divorce process. 2 days after DDay, he moved back home..he's still there. The best part was finding out all the lies through talking with the W. There was never a divorce in the works, when he moved out, he told W it was a temporary situation and he just needed time. I think she almost felt bad for ME

 

Obviously his marriage is still missing something if he is contacting me again, I just don't understand why the contact after so many months and especially after all the hurtful words.

[Tomcat33]

Interesting post, sounds a lot like how my situation developed.

Only we were caught she had us followed after he moved out and our rel. started.

 

Tell me something did you finally end it with him or did he because you blew his cover to his wife? How did she react and how were you able to talkt to her? Was she receptive to talking to you?

Also, was it hard for you when you broke up or where you able to get over it rather quickly? And most importantly what kind of things did the emails say?

 

Sorry for all the questions but this post really peaked my interest. ;-)

 

 

By the way EXCELLENT of you to block him and not cave, you have great strength, good for you!!!

[SoxPrincess]

Interesting post, sounds a lot like how my situation developed.

Only we were caught she had us followed after he moved out and our rel. started.

 

Tell me something did you finally end it with him or did he because you blew his cover to his wife? How did she react and how were you able to talkt to her? Was she receptive to talking to you?

Also, was it hard for you when you broke up or where you able to get over it rather quickly? And most importantly what kind of things did the emails say?

 

Sorry for all the questions but this post really peaked my interest. ;-)

 

 

By the way EXCELLENT of you to block him and not cave, you have great strength, good for you!!!

 

He ended it and honestly, I am still not sure why he ended it..I was never given a reason. My theory is I was asking to many questions about things that didn't add up and he got fed up with my constant inquiries. He was telling me he was getting divorced, but never had any "proof" of it, I asked where he was moving once the lease on his apartment was up and he got angry with me and started an argument..there were quite a few things that made me question his intentions towards the end. Those are just my theories though, I truly don't know the real reason.

 

I'm not going to lie either, I called the W out of pure revenge and that's something I deal with everyday. I was hurting and I wanted someone else to feel it, although at the time I made it OK in my head by saying to myself that she had a right to know. Through therapy I've learned I did it for my own reasons and as I said, it's something I think of often. When I called W, I just came out and said I had been having an affair with her H for over a year. She was pretty calm, she didn't ask me any questions other than where we met and if it was over, she thanked me and said "my marriage is over" and hung up. They did stay together though and my opinion is that he told her the bare minimum, made our A sound minimal and they were able to move on.

 

It was very, very difficult after the A ended. I had opened up to exMM in a way that I never had before, I trusted him with personal secrets that I never shared with anyone before, I believed every word he said and I really felt like we were best friends (famous last words of every OW I guess). The aftermath of finding out the truth, all the lies he told compiled with my own shame and guilt really did a number on my head. I don't think I'll ever be over it, but I learn from it everyday and I think that's pretty important. The emails he sends definitely seem like they are "sniffing" around..seeing if I am still waiting. He asks how I am, asks for recent pictures, inquires about my life..things of that nature.

[Tomcat33]

He ended it and honestly, I am still not sure why he ended it..I was never given a reason. My theory is I was asking to many questions about things that didn't add up and he got fed up with my constant inquiries. He was telling me he was getting divorced, but never had any "proof" of it, I asked where he was moving once the lease on his apartment was up and he got angry with me and started an argument..there were quite a few things that made me question his intentions towards the end. Those are just my theories though, I truly don't know the real reason.

 

 

Absolutely typical. I cannot get over how similar this is to my situation. Mine moved out and flip flopped back and forth many times to finally move out and stay out. He came running back to me telling me it was the biggest mistake that he moved back home once we were caught by her (see my past posts for my story) and that he was out for good. Well our relationship lasted a whole of three weeks after he moved out for good (he had moved out 6 month prior to our last break up but he kept flip-flopping back and forth between feeling guilty and feeling like he had to give his W a chance to work it out and wanting to start his new life w me)

Well our so called rel. lasted three weeks since he move out for good and he ended up cutting it off because he needed time to be "absolutely alone"We were arguing too much because of his inconsistencies, complained that he did not want to feel "pressured" or constantly quetioned on his actions, that being my questions insecurities about him wanting to go back and again a dumping me without word or reason. a single email saying ""I am head over heels in love with you but I can't do this I have to give my marriage a try" After having amazing weekends together.

 

Up until a few weeks ago we were still in contact we met for a cofee and he was very accusatory with me telling me that I questioned him too much and that he could not stand that kind of pressure right now. Meanwhile I saw diddly squat on his part for inititating a divorce. In fact one of the last arguments we had was due to the fact that he still has some of his stuff back at her place and I wondered why he insisited on keeping it there if this time it was for good, amongst that stuff there were some things that were mine which he moved back in a box in one of his few attempts at "making the marriage work" and he got very angre with me for insiting he get his stuff back. Mind you at all this he always kept his own apartment.

 

Needless to say the lat final breakup detroyed me, the time apart at first made me realise that I did indeed pressure him, but now that I am looking back with a clearer head I see that what I was doing was normal. That it was HE who was indecisive, not my pressure that chased him away. Though he would have me beleive right until the end that it was my doing. That I destroyed our chance by my constant questions. What a coward, what scum.

 

I have a lot of mixed emotions right now and had fallen into quite a depression due to the loss, and I hope to get over this soon but the more I try to the less I do. I like reading a story like yours because it makes me realise that there is hope for recovery that though it will take a lot of hard work it is possible to reach a point where you can say "no more, F YOU I am not available anymore"

 

The fact that he is still wanting some more is also a good sign that he is not happy at home that he is creating his own torture, and that must be very satisfying for you. I do feel for the wife, I do feel for all the wives of those people who take a cheater back after he promises to work at the marriage only to give it a go for a few months and then slip back into the old ways.

 

I was never one to see myself staying with someone after infidelity, but now that I have been on the other side "sort of"and have read so much on this it only makes me more sure that I would NEVER take back a man who cheated on me. It's just not worth the hassle, it's just not worth the risk.

 

I think there are many different cases and many variables to think of in these types of situations but it seems that those that will slip back are those that feel that the marriage was a mistake from the get go, those who settled somewhat. I know for a fact my ex lied to me but I also know he settled for his wife, they just were not a good match. I know he is still living on his own and has not moved back with her but also don't know if they are trying to work things out. I have a gut feeling they might be because she kept insisiting on winning him back even after finding out about us.

 

I think you did the right thing in telling his wife, I know many might think that it was selfish but I think you did the right thing. I know that if I was in that situation and my husband was cheating I definitely want to know.

But that's just me.

 

How did you feel when he contacted you? how do you hoenstly feel now?

[SoxPrincess]

he ended up cutting it off because he needed time to be "absolutely alone"We were arguing too much because of his inconsistencies, complained that he did not want to feel "pressured" or constantly quetioned on his actions, that being my questions insecurities about him wanting to go back and again a dumping me without word or reason. a single email saying ""I am head over heels in love with you but I can't do this I have to give my marriage a try" After having amazing weekends together.

 

This paragraph here could have clearly been written by me; it really is amazing how similar some A's and MM's are. Through therapy, I've learned that a lot of, if not most OW's end up pressuring the MM's and they do so because of the promises MM has made. I'm not a pressure type person at all, but if you are going to PROMISE me such and such and such, then I expect you to follow through with that. When you don't, I'm going to ask about it and pressure you about it because you made a promise to me. One of the very last things he said to me was that with our arguing, it made him realize his marriage wasn't as bad as he thought..that hurt. Seems like you and I have a lot in common in that aspect.

 

I have a lot of mixed emotions right now and had fallen into quite a depression due to the loss, and I hope to get over this soon but the more I try to the less I do. I like reading a story like yours because it makes me realise that there is hope for recovery that though it will take a lot of hard work it is possible to reach a point where you can say "no more, F YOU I am not available anymore"

 

The depression monster has me too and my best advice is to see a therapist and not to be afraid to get on an anti-depressant. I would lie in bed for days and days, just sobbing and I knew I couldn't live my life that way. The medicine helped get me out of bed, but therapy and finding happiness within myself truly promotes healing. You will get there, I will get there..but it won't be tomorrow, it's a very arduous process. Talking about it helps and for a long time, I didn't talk to anyone..so right there you should congratulate yourself that you're opening up here.

 

Honestly, when I saw his name in my inbox, my heart skipped a beat. I love him, I always will but I cannot be a part of that again, especially now that I am still recovering myself. It's not easy to delete and block, but it is healthy LOL.

[Tomcat33]

This paragraph here could have clearly been written by me; it really is amazing how similar some A's and MM's are. Through therapy, I've learned that a lot of, if not most OW's end up pressuring the MM's and they do so because of the promises MM has made. I'm not a pressure type person at all, but if you are going to PROMISE me such and such and such, then I expect you to follow through with that. When you don't, I'm going to ask about it and pressure you about it because you made a promise to me. One of the very last things he said to me was that with our arguing, it made him realize his marriage wasn't as bad as he thought..that hurt. Seems like you and I have a lot in common in that aspect.

 

Yes I see the words you write and they could vrey much be words coming from my mouth too. I am looking to get a therapist and want to get in ASAP. In the past I have been strong and suffered the normal amount of pain ending rels. but this completely different I have never experienced pain like this. I can't describe how much more intense it is. but all I can see is that in the past my rels were done and I knew they were done. My one significant rel or 6 yrs I knew I was out of love and had to move on and so the pain was deep but different. This is inexplicable due to the fact that I am still very much in love with him.

 

The last part of your comment really hit home because I am also not at all the type of person to pressure, never have been, never have had to ask anything of my past partners, they did everything naturally, in this particular case I had to ask I had to prod I had to push an it felt very unantural to me but I constantly needed that reassurance, and he saw it as me pressuring him. As me never being satisfied with what he gave me and at one point I had convinced myself I chased him back into his W's arms, due to all the pressure on my part. One time in an argumente about my fears he would flip-flop again with no explanationhe said to me "why dont you just enjoy what you have now instead of worrying about someone you have never even met." WOW those words were so hurful, and it was at that point that it made me realise that he had absolutely NO clue what I had given up to be with him. What I had compromised with my own self to be in this rel,. with him. He always compared me to past rels which I thought was so unfair because this was totally different. we met while he was seperated, you cannot compare that to someone you met single and baggage free. So unfair.

 

but I am certain that while he weighed out his options he figured, hey this is way too much hassle in comparisson to the free easy life I had at home. How free and easy must it had been at home that while he was off meeting me, his wife was away on business trips for two months at a time. Talk about getting used to no pressure.

 

It's all so messed up and my guilt is that what attracted him to me, the taking interest and asking questions, the emotional interest in him, the long talks the hours and hours of philosophising, and the getting into each others heads was also what he turned out telling me what destroyed us. IT's so unfair, he blames me for chasing him away, he must have realised that what he had at home wasn't so bad afterall simply because I pressured to have his actions meet his words.

 

I am not an insecure person my nature, I am not one to pressure or ask for anything but with this man I found all of the above to be true because he would say one thing and do another. So unfair.

 

I don't know how you did it but it is next to impossible to do it alone. I have no interest in other men what so ever. I have no interest in talking to anyone about this, but I do want therapy because it is the only way I'll stop beating myself up about this. Funny how when they want out they manage to turn the tables quite easily.

[woe_is_me]

These guys (mm) just make me shake my head in disbelief...

 

Mine too, said and did some nasty things towards the end of the A .. i suppose its to make you hate them...

 

This is why, when mine called back i was in total shock..

He said to me "what have you been doing?" and i felt like saying "um getting over you" but i didn't. All i managed was a weak "nothing" (lol @ nothing in four years)

 

He went on to mention my birthday which was six days earlier (oh how sweet he remembers my birthday ..only because it's the day before his fathers but he thinks im too stupid to remember that)

 

I was going to type more but i get tired of thinking about him and they surely are cowards - the way they twist everything around to make you think its you and that you're completely psycho (which is what they tell their W about you).

[SoxPrincess]

I don't know how you did it but it is next to impossible to do it alone. I have no interest in other men what so ever. I have no interest in talking to anyone about this, but I do want therapy because it is the only way I'll stop beating myself up about this. Funny how when they want out they manage to turn the tables quite easily.

 

I never shared with my family that I was involved with an MM, but I did have one close friend that I shared everything with. He was a great help and literally talked me off the ledge more than once. You aren't alone either sweetie, you can talk to me anytime you want OK? You can PM me here or if you want to email, anything. I know how hard it is and though I am far from healed, I think maybe we can help each other.

 

 

This is why, when mine called back i was in total shock..

He said to me "what have you been doing?" and i felt like saying "um getting over you" but i didn't. All i managed was a weak "nothing" (lol @ nothing in four years)

 

 

I think you should have said "um getting over you"...that is HILARIOUS

 

Here is a good one for you guys. I blocked exMM from my email but we both posted at the same message board and I never blocked him from PM'ing me there. This evening I get a PM from him...get ready for it...THANKING ME FOR HELPING ME FIX HIS MARRIAGE He said the best thing I did was tell his W; he fully acknowledged he didn't tell her anything about our A, never told her we vacationed together or that he asked me to marry him several times, never told her he loved me, never told her he gave me a ring...and his reasoning was "she just wanted to move forward and I didn't want her to hurt." He said since then they have communicated like they never have in 12 years of marriage and even though the passion they share isn't like the passion he and I shared, things in his marriage are 100% better. There was so much more, but I've been crying all afternoon and quite frankly, it's all worthy. I am either really stupid or he played me like a fine tuned fiddle.

 

ARGH.

[Tomcat33]

SP I just read your last post. First of all thank you for offering me support I really appreciate that. I thought of suggesting we exchange contact info it would be nice to talk to you in private.

 

I am so sorry to hear he said such a horrible thing to you, I can imagine how much that must hurt. BUT I have very strong suspicion to think that he is lying to you, that he is NOT happy with his wife. What kind of a ba#@$rd would contact someone after so much time just to rub in he is happy. That's a lie, that is the biggest lie, don't let him break all the hard work you did all these months.

 

First off he is sniffing around to see how you are, that to me tells me he is thinking about you and not in a "oh I should thank her for what she did to me" sort of way.

 

Secondly, you did not respond to his contact that bothered him for sure, so out of spite for not having a hold on you any more he has to up the ante by saying "by the way thanks to you I am doing GREAT!" and save some face.

 

Lastly if his relationship truly were on recovery and the communication is better he would have come completely clean with her and told her the depth of how he was involved with you. If he really wanted to work on his marriage and tried to do things right and work from the bottom up he would have let it all out and told her the complete truth, he is still lying to her and to make matters worse he is sniffing around trying to reel you in again but seeing that he can't he had to lash out of you by rubbing in that nonsense.

 

If I were you I would have lead him on, I would have asked him to meet you and got him to spill the beans on how he felt for you and saved the emails, and then once you are certain he shows up call his wife and tell her to go to the meeting place and meet them both with the emails. Tell her what the lying scum bag has done after 8months of "great communication, marital bliss and his hard work at recovering what he thought he didn't want any more. Sorry but he is FULL of sh@#t. He is no more happy now with his marriage than he was when he went out to find and start something with you. I don't buy it at all, don't let him get to you SoxP he is a bas@#$d who like many in his same shoes does not know what the hell he wants. OR should I say he wants his security at home the mom/friend and wants the love and passion fun he gets from the OW.

Who the hell wouldn't want that, selfish priiiicks!!!

 

 

Woe Is

 

I can assure you now, that I have opened my eyes to all the similar situations out there it's like they all go to the same cheating school of lies/lines, because they all end up making the same comments, promises, lies. They all do. We all feel stupid in the end because if you ladies are anything like I was before this creep came into my life, I was not easily lied to or mislead. I have always been very strong and yet this one man took everything I had worked hard to be and detroyed it in one go. Of course I take responsibility for letting him into my life, but boy was he good with words, boy was he believable, boy did he make me believe our case was unique/different/special. how long has it been for you since you broke up?

[woe_is_me]

My early posts mostly explain why i'm here.. 1yr A then 4yrs of no contact..then a call out of the blue from him.

 

He told me he'd been trying to email me but that they didn't send. I was so upset at not being able to read what he'd written but i think i'm over that now .. it was most probably full of the same questions princess' were...or the same q's he ended up asking on the phone...

 

After we split up i ended up printing/saving his emails .. cold hard evidence if ever the need be i guess... his W would kill him if she saw those but then he would probably kill me in return...

 

i remember him calling me a selfish bi.....ch towards the end ..don't worry he got a selfish bas...rd text message in return a couple of months later..

and he also got his workmates to answer his phone in the end ..and just try to confuse me.. he was horrid...

 

so i kind of ask the same questions princess does .. and i know i truly wasn't myself when he called out of the blue.. i told him a couple of times that i couldn't believe i was hearing his voice... i was floored... i couldn't get off the phone quick enough..then when i hung up it felt like he was gone ..all over again!

 

My emotions have taken a beating i quit a second job and almost lost my first because of his call.

[SoxPrincess]

Thank you Tomcat...and I think you are 100% correct, I just don't buy it. I learned a long time ago that he is a true narcissist and I truly believe he can't be alone. When things broke down with us, I knew he'd go back to his wife and it doesn't surprise me at all that he wasn't honest with her. As I mentioned before we belong to the same website and months and months before I was even a member there, he would talk about how much he hated his life and how broken down his marriage was. I cannot possibly fathom that after 7 years of a crappy marriage it was all suddenly perfect in a matter of 6 months..no way. For one thing (and hopefully this isn't TMI) he's a sex freak and he has said on many occasions that he and his wife have NEVER clicked sexually. Am I to believe that she is suddenly a sex vixen and all of his sexual needs are being met? NOT! That's only a small portion of what I was told was wrong in their M and I realize he could have lied to me about how bad their marriage was, but as I said, he was complaining about it LONG before I was around.

 

When I called his W, I really should have told her everything. I've replayed the conversation a million times in my head and there are so many things I should have said that I didn't. I knew that he would never be honest with her and I knew she would never inquire further because that was the pattern they established in their M. There's no way that things are magically fixed when he likely just told her I was some ho that he messed around with that he had no feelings for. If she knew the extent of our relationship, I have a feeling things would be much different..but either way, I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. I don't need this crap in my life, but it's truly such a hit to the self-esteem when you "fall" for something and the bottom falls out.

 

I'm totally rambling..it's the middle of the night and my brain is just reeling LOL. If you do want to exchange email info, etc..send me a PM and we can support each other...you too Woe, if you want!

 

PS..Quick question, when you guys got involved with your MM, did you ever read these types of forums and think to yourself "Oh MY MM isn't like this?" I can vividly recall reading things on the web and thinking this type of stuff will never happen to me...oy oy oy, if I knew then when I knew now!

[PoshPrincess]

Sox, Tomcat, Woe I REALLY feel for all of you. I thought I had a hard time of it but what you guys have all been through takes some beating! Thankfully for me my MM never got as far as leaving. W found out about us but we carried on seeing each other for a while afterwards. Like your MM Sox, mine played our whole A down, saying that I meant nothing, it wasn't serious, and even that I was "a fat minger" (his words - charming!) so that she would assume I wasn't competition. That really hurt but all the time he was telling me he was biding his time, he was going to leave, I was the 'one', blah blah blah, all the usual BS I guess.

 

MM never hurt me in the sense that yours have. He never said nasty things when we ended, in fact he was very nice, played the old 'I can't hurt you like this anymore' thing, you deserve better, etc. Sometimes I wish he had been horrible to me so that I could really hate him. I am also having a hard time trying to move on, even though I am now seeing a wonderful guy who truly loves me. I don't doubt that MM loved me, I really do (maybe naiively?) believe he did, but he just didn't have the guts to leave his W. We weren't sleeping together so I know he wasn't just using me for sex. Last time I bumped into him (6 weeks ago) he DID seem happier, so maybe they have finally started to work on their M.

 

I too had terrible depression. I ended up having therapy and taking anti-ds. I lived on a diet of wine and cigarettes for months. Couldn't concentrate or anything, f***ed things up at work so badly because I couldn't face getting out of bed half the time (not good when you have a 3 year old child to bring up) and when I was at work I couldn't concentrate on anything anyway. I didn't want to go out anywhere but did so because I couldn't face being on my own. Luckily my friends were brilliant and SO supportive. I'm surprised they didn't just wash their hands of me. I was a total nightmare to put up with! That said, I AM getting better. Yeah, I miss him every day, think about him far more than I should, but I have a new job now where no one knows about him, I am happy here, I have a new man and although I don't feel about him the way I felt (still feel) about MM, I know he is SO good for me. He may or may not be 'the one' but he is making me a lot happier than I was before we met.

 

I know I've learned something from all this. I would NEVER EVER get involved with another woman's man again, whether he was married, living with someone, or even just in a casual R. I was one of the stupid ones who knew he was married from the off but still started a R with him. As much as I would love to have those feelings about someone again (the ones I had when we were together and everything was good) I could never put myself through the pain that our break up caused. It was far worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I never thought before that I was capable of feeling so low.

 

Anyway guys, 'best of' to ALL of you. You ARE strong and you will get there. We all will. While they carry on with their lives like nothing's happened.

[Kenzo]

While they carry on with their lives like nothing's happened.

 

I think this is the part that hurts us the most...our pain is so real, our worlds turned upside down and they continue on in the same manner as they did before us.

[Tomcat33]

Ladies, ladies....I can see we all have our share of similarities, and I am sure the more women pipe in to comment on their situations the more similarities we would find. But I can tell you something I believe from the bottom of my heart, if there were any sort of truths I mean one iota of truth in the reasons they told us they were not happy in their marriages to begin with, and I can speak from my situation he was sure they were missmatched from the get go, he said things such as "the day I got married I was not happy I felt like I had made a mistake but I bit the bullet I was too far gone" And seeing that they had drifted so apart when I met him, that they lived in the same house as roomates for three or more years since they married, that he put off having children because he was unsure of her....if there was one iota of truth to any of that, then I know from the bottom of my heart there is NO WAY you go back to a marriage after living what he did with me, and find happiness, conformity yes, happiness no way.

 

The same goes for your men, what ever the variant may be. There is just no way you go back "as if nothing" yes it will be fine once again at the begining rediscovering each other but after time passes the same thigns that made him look elsewhere will come back to haunt him again and to top it off he will ALWAYS have the memory of what you and he shared, ALWAYS and that alone will not let him enjoy what he has at home. That will torment him to the day he dies, even if it means pretending that it doesn't for the rest of his days.

 

For me that is just dessert enough. I remind myself of that everyday. If I had a weekend fling with my man then I would not be saying these words but I got to know him inside out we had a deep emotional tie for a year. I got to see how his brain works what he thinks how he feels and there is NO WAY in hell he will forget what we had to the point where he can salvage the happiness that was never there to begin with at home. Just as he "bit the bullet and did it the first time around" now it will be even harder to deal with because he had a taste of what he could have had. And despite all the fighting despite all the hurt that we shared I know in my heart that he never had so much fun as he did with me, he never had the emotional connection that he had with me with any woman in his life, not even his wife (actually especially not his wife). Yes he lied to me about some things I'm sure but that I feel in the pit of my stomach.

 

So ladies they can talk themselves out of loving us to go back their "perfect lives" all they want but the memories will always linger, the possbility of what if will torment them. They had a taste of something that was missing and this is very hard to overcome. Not to mention the marriage is tainted for ever, no matter how hard they try to overcome the affair, the marriage is no longer sacred, he did to her the worst possible thing one can do to another human being, he stabbed her in the back and is still doing it because his heart is still being shared with someone else. So yes we suffer when we get out but his torment is far worse, we have the choice to start all over again to feel head over heels in love again to feel that deep excitement, they don't they have what they know already and they have to face their women everyday after what they did to them, that kind of excitement NEVER comes back. All they have is shame and guilt masked by conformity no matter how happy they pretend to be outwardly. They live the ultimate lie and these men are very capable of that. And don't tell me the return home for love because if they really undestood love and knew what it was they would have done what they did to their wives.

 

So don't be so quick to think they get it all and we get nothing. It's all in how you look at it.

 

 

 

Sox - yes while I started falling for this man I started doing my reserach on getting involved with a seperated man,and I stumbled upon this site. I truly thought our situation was different because from the moment our EA started and he moved out there was very little time that passed, only about 4 months so I was convinced our situation was different. but it wasn't until he moved out and our rel started and that's when all the problems started of him flip-flopping tc. and that's when I started to open my eyes up to all the things I kept reading here and elsewhere.

[redplanet]

I think this is the part that hurts us the most...our pain is so real, our worlds turned upside down and they continue on in the same manner as they did before us.

 

So succinctly worded. An explanation for this excrutiating pain. Thanks for the insight.

[Tomcat33]

And thse men come back sniffing around months after they broke it off looking for what exactly if they are so happy in their new and improved marriages? You call that saving a marriage? You call that being happy and learning from a past mistake? You call that "the affair made the marriage stronger"? You call that learning from a big mistake and devoting myself to the real love of my life? BULL#$$%T, they didn't learn squat.

They don't regret squat what they did to their wives, furthermore they are willing to risk it all again for one moment of contact with the OW who supposedly helped them "improve the marriage". LOL don't make me laugh.

 

These men are diluting themselves as they dilude their poor wives, I feel for their wives because they problably feel like they won a better more honest version of their previous marriage when in actuality all they gain is a man that is more messed up than before the affair, and who won't stop thinking about the OW just as they prob compared the OW to their wives while with them now the opposite happens and the viscious circle never ends.

 

Who needs that?

 

Life is way too short for that.

[Kenzo]

So don't be so quick to think they get it all and we get nothing. It's all in how you look at it.

 

I don't think they "get it all", but they get the power of choice, regardless of which person in the A ends it. Ultimately it is the OW laying there with her heart in her hands, and no one to mend it.

[Tomcat33]

Kenzo - the other woman has the power of choice too, she can choose to start her life again with a man who is honest, 100% devoted and new. A fresh page a clean slate. We choose to stay in the pain or to move on.

It's all the state of mind.

 

The MM does not get that chance, his life is now tainted, by his own choice, by his own doing. he can NEVER erase what he did to himself or to his wife. you think his wife will be there to console him? NO WAY.

 

He suffers alone my dear, don't kid yourself. She is there looking for her best interest looking to see how he can make up for what he did to her, she is not there to make him feel better about his boo-boo, he goes it alone and on top of it he has to give like crazy to redeem himsellf to someone who now does not see him with the same eyes.

 

We have freedom we have the real choice, we are free to choose our paths for a clean slate. That is far more choice than he will ever have. We get to create our history from scratch, he is already destroyed his sacred history and is now left to build one based on lies and mistrust and possibly more lies to come. It's tainted forever. That's the biggest sentence to pay.

 

When these men come back from hiding after they break off the affair, to gloat about how great their life is, it's a mere illusion. They are no more happier today than they were before the affair. They have convinced themselves that life with the W is doable, it's bearble and out of their own guilt for doing what they did to them they feel they deserve to be punished and live not completely happy and that is why they stay. So when he comes back to tell you how great it is, you know as well as he does it's a

COMPLETE lie.

[Kenzo]

Tomcat-I loved every word of this, I can see it's truths, now if we can just learn to apply them.

[Tomcat33]

Kenzo - I am in a lot of pain, I will kid you not. I have never felt pain like this before, the intensity of my relationship was one that I have never experienced before and to have it end knowing that the man I was with is possibly torn between two women (I don't know this for sure, as I say he is still living on his own but I have my doubts that he might be trying to see what it's like to date his ex again) is enough to kill someone of pain. It's very painful.

 

But despite this cloud of misery that hangs over me I still have enough common sense to not delude myself into thinking that he choses to go back to his marriage unless he cuts all contact for ever and never looks back. And I don't think that they will live happily ever after while I am left all alone to pick up the peices. In your cases if your exMM did not tell their W exactly what happened, there is no such thing as a happy ending for them once they choose to go back, and once the BS knows about the affair he has to come completely clean in order for it to work and NEVER look back. So I refuse to cloud my brain with further unrealistic thoughts that he got to choose and now he will be happy while I suffer.

 

We all know what we meant to our men, some things cannot be faked, and just like we cannot turn our hearts off from one day to the next neither can he. I don't care if he chose to go back he suffers alone, he has to MAKE himself love his wife again, he has to try to find that love again while he still feels that passion of the "in love" feelign with us.

Do you think that's easy? do you think that's winning in the end?

 

My gosh DON'T do that to yourselves, that's not fair to you. Yes he had choice, yes our hands were tied, but STOP with the fantasy that he is back with the W and everything is fantastic and they are in LALA land and head over heels in love. It is NOT like that at all. It was not like that before they went out to look for us it sure as hell WON'T be like that when they have to face the music after commiting the biggest betrayal of their lives. They feel like scum and their wives will remind them of that constantly.

 

Now you tell me who has it better off, us who can look out into a world filled with possibilities of love, or them who back to the comformity of what feels familiar but is now old and tired and on top of it they have all the lies to deal with.

 

C'mon ladies, stop doing more damange to yourselves and at least be honest in knowing that if he comes back sniffing around after months, he is 100% not at all what he says he is with his marriage. If he were that happy why in the heck would he give a damn that you know it? He wants you to know it because he still thinks about you he still has feelings for you and he settled but has not changed one bit, still lies to his wife because he is right there looking for you.

[SoxPrincess]

Now you tell me who has it better off, us who can look out into a world filled with possibilities of love, or them who back to the comformity of what feels familiar but is now old and tired and on top of it they have all the lies to deal with.

 

This is so very, very true. Granted, a lot of OW's suffer greatly, but in time..it does heal and it does go away. The pain fades, the memories become memories and nothing more and life goes on; we get the chance to find someone new, someone who we deserve and someone who deserves us and we get to move on with the wisdom of everything we learned from being hurt so very badly. The MM's are still in the same marriages they were in before we were in their lives and Tomcat hit the nail on the head; the same familiarity and the same conformity only now, the added mistrust of the A. We may feel weak and beat down after dday, our self-esteem usually takes a big hit, but who is really weaker here; the OW who eventually moves on or the MM who doesn't have the balls to change his life?

 

I won't ever condone A's and I am not proud to have the OW status attatched to who I am, but I can say that moving forward I am stronger and wiser and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

[SoxPrincess]

I must share this with you guys...I Googled exMM's most used screen name for message boards (yes I know, a bit stalkerish, but who doesn't Google folks these days LOL) and found a profile on...wait for it... A SWINGERS SITE. I wasn't sure if it was exMM at first because it wouldn't let me view the profile without registering, so I registered (God help me if my computer ever gets seized haha) and clicked on it, had his picture and everything! It's recent, his profile was just updated yesterday and it lists his marital status as...SINGLE. Ahhh yes ladies, his marriage is 100% on the right track and he's perfectly happy

[Freedom Now]

Kenzo - I am in a lot of pain, I will kid you not. I have never felt pain like this before, the intensity of my relationship was one that I have never experienced before and to have it end knowing that the man I was with is possibly torn between two women (I don't know this for sure, as I say he is still living on his own but I have my doubts that he might be trying to see what it's like to date his ex again) is enough to kill someone of pain. It's very painful.

 

But despite this cloud of misery that hangs over me I still have enough common sense to not delude myself into thinking that he choses to go back to his marriage unless he cuts all contact for ever and never looks back. And I don't think that they will live happily ever after while I am left all alone to pick up the peices. In your cases if your exMM did not tell their W exactly what happened, there is no such thing as a happy ending for them once they choose to go back, and once the BS knows about the affair he has to come completely clean in order for it to work and NEVER look back. So I refuse to cloud my brain with further unrealistic thoughts that he got to choose and now he will be happy while I suffer.

 

We all know what we meant to our men, some things cannot be faked, and just like we cannot turn our hearts off from one day to the next neither can he. I don't care if he chose to go back he suffers alone, he has to MAKE himself love his wife again, he has to try to find that love again while he still feels that passion of the "in love" feelign with us.

Do you think that's easy? do you think that's winning in the end?

 

My gosh DON'T do that to yourselves, that's not fair to you. Yes he had choice, yes our hands were tied, but STOP with the fantasy that he is back with the W and everything is fantastic and they are in LALA land and head over heels in love. It is NOT like that at all. It was not like that before they went out to look for us it sure as hell WON'T be like that when they have to face the music after commiting the biggest betrayal of their lives. They feel like scum and their wives will remind them of that constantly.

 

Now you tell me who has it better off, us who can look out into a world filled with possibilities of love, or them who back to the comformity of what feels familiar but is now old and tired and on top of it they have all the lies to deal with.

 

C'mon ladies, stop doing more damange to yourselves and at least be honest in knowing that if he comes back sniffing around after months, he is 100% not at all what he says he is with his marriage. If he were that happy why in the heck would he give a damn that you know it? He wants you to know it because he still thinks about you he still has feelings for you and he settled but has not changed one bit, still lies to his wife because he is right there looking for you.

 

Tomcat:

 

I agree with absolutely everything you say about the MM sniffing around.

 

I have been saying this to myself and others in similiar situations as mine for months on end.

 

The MM is NOT happy if he is sniffing around the old OW after D-day ~especially MONTHS afterwards.

 

These types of MM are quite transparent to me. And pathetic.

 

They made their beds, now they will lie in them.

 

[PoshPrincess]

I must share this with you guys...I Googled exMM's most used screen name for message boards (yes I know, a bit stalkerish, but who doesn't Google folks these days LOL) and found a profile on...wait for it... A SWINGERS SITE. I wasn't sure if it was exMM at first because it wouldn't let me view the profile without registering, so I registered (God help me if my computer ever gets seized haha) and clicked on it, had his picture and everything! It's recent, his profile was just updated yesterday and it lists his marital status as...SINGLE. Ahhh yes ladies, his marriage is 100% on the right track and he's perfectly happy

 

Jeez Sox, really sounds like he's sorted, doesn't it? NOT! Let him get on with it. As for you being 'stalker-ish', yes, we do all do it. I am forever looking at sites relating to MM sitch and especially looking on here at other MMs threads to see if they sound like his story and he's posting too.

 

I see what TomCat is saying about their lives STILL being miserable because they've just returned to that same unhappy M and I agree to a certain extent but men are very good at switching off, blocking things out, compartmentalising, whatever you want to call it. I, like you, knew my MM inside out, knew his fears, emotions, etc and I KNOW that he will think of me too but he's now told himself he has no choice is what he is doing and he will pretend to himself that everything is hunky dory even though he knows deep down that things are far from ideal.

 

They've made their beds, basically........

[Kenzo]

They made their beds, now they will lie in them.

 

But they will always want to lay in ours!