8 Months of NC...then BAM

[Tomcat33]

WOW after reading the last few posts especially yours SOX, that just solidifies everything I was commenting on earlier.

 

Look, someone said that it's quite simple for guys to switch off their emotions and just plough on through without looking back if they set their minds to it. That is 100% correct. I know that the types of men that choose to go back to the wife/marriage and decide to work it out and don't look back do and can make the marriage work and can find a re-gained newness to the relationship. That's not to say that these men will not miss their OW deep down, that's not to say it is totally easy for them. But if they set their minds to succeed they do. If for whatever reason they realised the affair was not what they wanted what they wanted was what they had at home all along then yes they can switch it off even if it's hard at first. There are many variables to this situation and you know what? We are all human and we can make mistakes, if the BS is willing to take them back why can't they work it out if both parties are willing? IT's a costly mistake but you can recover from that if both parties are willing and there is real love.

 

BUT

 

If the guy decides to go back to a marriage and comes sniffing around for the OW months, years, WHATEVER after the fact. He is not over the OW. He is not happy in his marriage. He has not learned a single thign from his mistake. And given the opportunity he will 100% do it again to that particular spouse. He has 0 resepct for his spouse and the choice he made to "work it out" I firmly believe that. It's bull##$% he stayed for love, he stayed for cowardness for comformity.

Men who already did not respect their partners before the betrayal and are accepted back by them will disrespect them more in the long run. Yes he will make the sacrifice to stay with the wife, but now he will never feel in AWE of her again. And that is why they go out looking for an opprotunity again, and continue to lie.

 

SOX how in the world did you google for that profile name, I didnt think you can do that!?! LOL that's brilliant! how do I PM you!?!

 

And my goodness a swinger site!?!? You see it sounds like your exMM has the perfect solid marriage thanks to what he learned. LOL WHAT A JOKE!!!!!!!!! Those types of guys are so far gone in their own lies they actually beleive half their crap. Send the link to his W, I would.

[SoxPrincess]

 

SOX how in the world did you google for that profile name, I didnt think you can do that!?! LOL that's brilliant! how do I PM you!?!

 

And my goodness a swinger site!?!? You see it sounds like your exMM has the perfect solid marriage thanks to what he learned. LOL WHAT A JOKE!!!!!!!!! Those types of guys are so far gone in their own lies they actually beleive half their crap. Send the link to his W, I would.

 

Google is your friend ladies I didn't realize you could Google a screen name either until I tried it several months ago. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, it really depends on if it is a unique name and whether or not the posts were made on a public message board. For instance, I just Googled "SoxPrincess" and it shows 2 posts that I've made here on LS but it also shows a post from another SoxPrincess, so sometimes it requires you knowing exactly what you're looking for. In the case of my exMM, he has a very unique user name, so it wasn't that difficult for me to narrow it down. What a joke it is indeed and finding that further proves your theory Tomcat that he was sniffing around, got no response and decided to lie about the state of his marriage to hurt me. No such luck bubba LOL.

 

I just read the FAQ in regards to PM capabilities and I don't have them yet since I am a new poster here I would give you my email address, but I don't want half the site emailing me Hopefully I can earn enough posts to get PM's and we can chat more privately!

[bigblueeyes]

WOW! What en eye-opener this thread is, and frightening for me as well.

 

After almost a year together with MM, we are now in our first real phase of NC. To make a long story short, his wife discovered our affair around Christmas, but she assumed it was over as I had left the town he and I lived in to persue my career elsewhere.

 

After she found out, they went into marriage counselling to figure out what to do and whether to stay together. He also continued seeing me behind her back.

 

During Easter, while he was on holiday with the family, he called me late at night and we chatted until he all of sudden slammed the phone down on me. Right before the conversation ended, I heard the distinct sound of footsteps behind him. Thinking it was his wife, and because he had so brutally "tossed me aside", I freaked out and ended the affair then and there, and left him a message saying it was OVER.

 

He knew I was going out the following day, and called me 5 minutes before I was leaving. My friends said it was pure sabotage and that he was trying to stop me from leaving him and begin to have fun. I told him, I stood firmly by my decision to end it and that he had to respect that I was fed up by the whole situation.

 

Two hours later, I got a text message from him, saying his wife now knew that he had continued to see me and that I had better get prepared for what would happen next, which totally ruined my evening.

 

We talked for a couple of days and I said I was ready to stand by him, but that he from now on had to be honest about what he wanted, regardsless of what that is. Then, he called for NC, saying there was too much pressure on him.

 

I accepted that and said he could get in touch once he knew what he wanted. He has already broken NC, sending me a message saying his best friend adores me and understands why MM wants to be with me. AS IF THAT HELPS!!!!

 

Truth be told, I am still in love with him and want to wait and see what happens. I also promised him that I would be there for him.

 

But a part of me just wants to get the hell away from him. I cannot stand anymore of this drama, which is really wearing me down. I have skipped work two days in a row and I just poured myself a drink just to numb the pain.

[puddleofmud]

I am so thankful that OW have been able to discuss their situations and feelings without dismal oriented disruption.

Whoo! Sigh!

Ladies: there are somethings that one could offer but I won't as it would seem that you all are doing such a wonderful job taking such good care of each other....

I do so hope this continues and best wishes to all!

[Tomcat33]

BigBlueeyes your situation sounds soooo similar to mine. Please read my back posts and you'll see, it was also after christams when my MM's W found out about us and he tried to go no contact to go to councelling to try to give the marriage one last try only to come back to me a month later he could not do it. The best you can do is stay away, do not go after him. If you do he will only feel more guilt about not doing what is right for his marriage. Let him come to terms on his own with his W that their marriage will either work or it won't. And they will come to terms with that. If he truly loves you he will come back to you, you cannot repair a marriage when you are in love with someone else and if his feelings were an illusion he will not try to contact you ever again. but don't enable his contacts anymore. He needs to figure this out on his own without you in the picture so lay low and tell yourself it's done. Feel the pain and start to move forward.

 

Puddle loved your post :-) Please don't hold back!

[SoxPrincess]

Welcome BigBlueEyes and (((((hugs))))) to you. I am glad you posted your story in this thread as we all seem to very supportive of each other and are able to so without being judgmental I echo everything Tomcat said in regards to your situation and I wish that I had that advice when I was still with exMM. The worst thing you can do is pressure him and if you do pressure him, you'll always wonder if he made the decision to be with you because you drove him nuts about it or if he really wants to be; of course, the other option is that the pressure will drive him away. Let him make the decision and in the meantime, begin the healing process just in case. Whenever you feel the need to contact him, come here and talk to us and be strong for yourself.

 

I have to say ladies, I rarely venture outside of this thread because the other ones scare me I am truly grateful that we have all been strong and supportive, offering words of wisdom and that no one has felt the need to come in here and judge us. I am all for tough love, but sometimes the OW just needs a shoulder to cry on and just to have someone to listen to them. I am SO glad we have that here!

[bigblueeyes]

for your advice. It really helps, as does this, which is my weekly horoscope (wouldn't normally care, but this is just toooooo close to home )

 

Your week ahead: Hello, I just wonder whether you can do me a small favour. That's so kind of you. All I want you to do is buy a large piece of board and some black ink. If you could now paint on this the letters F, O, O and then L, that would be great. Now, would you be kind enough to go and stand in the market square, holding this sign above your head for a few hours? That's extremely good of you. You don't mind awfully do you, if we don't bother with a prediction? It's just that I'm feeling a little tired and, anyway, that just about says it all. You really need to watch this week, for people taking advantage of you. Feel less obligated. Be more cautious.

[bigblueeyes]

He just broke NC. What to do? Am just feeling angry right now and really do not want to deal with him.

[SoxPrincess]

He just broke NC. What to do? Am just feeling angry right now and really do not want to deal with him.

I'm glad I decided to check in!!! I'm sorry bigblue..what did he say?? What were the terms and reasons for the NC?

 

We're here for you!!!

[bigblueeyes]

He called for NC because he was under a lot of pressure after his wife found out that he continued to see me after she had discovered the affair.

 

I said ok, and said he should get in touch once he knew what he wanted.

 

He has broked it once already to say that his best friend, who has met me, liked me. Whatever that is supposed to mean in the grand scheme of things.

 

This one is about how hard he is having it at the moment and that he wants to know if I am still thinking of him as much as he is thinking about me.

 

I just sent a short message, saying: I am

 

Which is true, though they are not the most happy thoughts, I must admit

 

I am in such an emotional state that I do not know what to believe any longer and even if he is totally honest, I am just so suspicious. You know what I mean???

[SoxPrincess]

Oh goodness, that is tough. It sounds like to me, by him asking if you are thinking of him, that he is making sure you are still "hanging on" while he is making his decision. He wants the reassurance that you are still waiting for him even though he asked for NC which I think a lot of MM's do. However, because you guys have NC in effect you really have no idea how is decision making is going, right? For all you know, he isn't making a decision at all and is just stringing you along (hopefully that didn't come across as mean, it wasn't intended to!). Only you know your MM bigblue, so it's hard for me to say if he is being honest or if he isn't; has he always been honest with you as far as you know?

 

My suggestion would be to send him a message/email (however you communicate) and tell him you appreciate him checking in on you but that it is important to maintain NC until he figures out what he wants. If you continue to reply to the messages he is sending, letting him know you are thinking of him, he will know you are just sitting idly by waiting for the phone to ring and that is giving him WAY to much power. Remind him he is the one that asked for NC, you are respecting that and that he really needs to be using this time to figure out what he wants in his life and that you are worth more than this. It's difficult, but you have to stay strong or you'll get dragged down the same road again (((Hugs)))

[bigblueeyes]

Princess, just the kind of advice I needed.

 

Thanks and big hug

[Cliche]

We've only been NC for a few days and it's still not broken. Here's the thing about my story, though. After we broke it on the phone and I said I'd never call him again, throw his stuff in his office, etc., I hung up the phone thinking "it's okay. He really loves me. In a few days he'll call me back telling me he did file for divorce." As the hours of the day started going by, though, I realized how wrong that thought was. I recognized at the end, he was only worried about himself and that during the entire relationship, he was only worried about himself, and it hit me that he would NOT be calling me back to tell me he was getting divorced. Whew. Talk about feeling like you were just hit by a Mack Truck. I dropped my kids off at my parents house and slept for about 18 hours after that one.

 

That doesn't mean I'm hoping now that NC gets broken. I don't. But I'll admit to hoping he ends up as miserable as many of you are saying these jerks do. So much for me being a nice girl.

[SoxPrincess]

Princess, just the kind of advice I needed.

 

Thanks and big hug

 

You're welcome sweetie and I know it's not easy, but as every day passes you will start to feel better. I remember exactly how I felt in the days following dday and it was wretched and I never thought I would feel better. It took several months but I am starting to see the sun shining again and you will too!

 

We've only been NC for a few days and it's still not broken. Here's the thing about my story, though. After we broke it on the phone and I said I'd never call him again, throw his stuff in his office, etc., I hung up the phone thinking "it's okay. He really loves me. In a few days he'll call me back telling me he did file for divorce." As the hours of the day started going by, though, I realized how wrong that thought was. I recognized at the end, he was only worried about himself and that during the entire relationship, he was only worried about himself, and it hit me that he would NOT be calling me back to tell me he was getting divorced. Whew. Talk about feeling like you were just hit by a Mack Truck. I dropped my kids off at my parents house and slept for about 18 hours after that one.

 

That doesn't mean I'm hoping now that NC gets broken. I don't. But I'll admit to hoping he ends up as miserable as many of you are saying these jerks do. So much for me being a nice girl.

 

Welcome Cliche!! Seemingly out of nowhere this thread has become a very supportive and positive place, I hope you'll stick around and join us Your sentence that said "it's okay. He really loves me. In a few days he'll call me back telling me he did file for divorce" really struck a chord with me. I remember thinking the exact same thing for weeks and weeks on end. exMM used to text message me every morning when he woke up, telling me to have a wonderful day and how much he loved me and I can remember thinking every morning that I would see the light flashing on my cellphone and he would be there. As each day passed, that light never flashed (except on my birthday when he text messaged me a happy birthday note) and it was so painful. I had gotten in the habit of checking my text messages every morning for over a year and it was the most difficult of habits to break, it was ridiculous!!! Like you, once I realized he wasn't going to get in touch with me, profess his undying love and that he was getting a divorce, the depression hit like a freight train. I have 2 daughters and took everything in my body to continue to care for them and when they weren't home, I would either sleep all day or numb my pain with a very short lived addiction to Vicodin. Sometimes I really think these men don't realize what they put us through and it amazes me that they snow us over so bad; what about them makes them so appealing that we don't see them for what they really are!?!

[bigblueeyes]

Princess, I recognise the phone addiction except I check mine every 5 minutes

 

It is very hard to let go, but on the other hand I have realised I have no other choice. And let's face it, if it was really meant to be, he would have acted on the affair much, much earlier in our relationship.

 

I hate to say this, but I think it does sy a lot about his character that he has put both me and his W through two D-days and he is still trying to have his cake and eat it. Or to use his own words, find a way to have what he wants without any problems.

 

What he fails to realise is that he has already hurt two people and will continue to do so as long as he avoids taking responsibility for his actions and faces the concequences.