EricOnTheWeb Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 Hi everyone,I know you guys don't know me that well,but I have a serious issue here that I thought some here may had expierience with. My sister is getting married this august(second marriage) and My future brother-in-law is an awesome guy...Our whole family loves him and treats my sister like gold. I recently took ownership of his old computer and opened up Outlook Express and found emails from 2003 that were sent to him from an ex girlfriend . In these emails it tells him to get things together before the baby is born,and paperwork concerning child support he'll have to pay. I have NO idea if my sister knows he may have a child?....I haven't heard anything nor has my mom... I'd like to find out cause I believe my sister should know about this right?? I don't want to cause trouble and do not want to be "the prying family member" I don't want to be on his bad side.... Should I tell HIM that I found those emails?....Should I ask my sister if she knows?....Should I just butt out and mind my own buisness?? Please help!... Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 I would approach the BIL privately, tell him what you found on the computer and just ask. It could have turned out it wasn't his kid, she could have met somone else and he adopted the child, or your sister might know and is ok with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Gal Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 good advice, if you trust him. i would think if he still had those emails on there and gave you the puter, that he'd have deleted them if he didnt want you to see them................ .............unless he forgot they were there Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 11, 2007 Author Share Posted April 11, 2007 Thanks for the advice. Yeah I've heard twice now that I should go to him first,but wah...not something I wanna ask lol.. Perhaps I'll just ask him if he wanted these emails saved? Then I'll tell them what they were about. I guess its the fair thing to do and it will show that I have respect for him by asking him first. If I ask my sister about it,and she doesn't know,then yeah all hell will break loose. Asking him first about it will give him a chance to come clean if he does have a child in NC... My sister hasn't said anything about him paying child support,so maybe indeed was not his kid. I probably won't say anything right now cause I'm trying to get a job at the place he works also. Thanks for the turn in the right direction Melody:) sorry about the duplicate post.. (Eric) Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 11, 2007 Author Share Posted April 11, 2007 good advice, if you trust him. i would think if he still had those emails on there and gave you the puter, that he'd have deleted them if he didnt want you to see them................ .............unless he forgot they were there Hi Sassy!! I just saw your post and thank you;) The emails were embedded into Outlook under a very old account(his ex girlfriend's account) I'm sure he would of deleted these before giving me this computer...he must of overlooked them. I do feel like an ********* for finding the emails,but it wasn't like I was tring to dig things up on him...I really like him,and he's all around well rounded. I just hope he won't get mad at me...in fact I don't know if I will bring it up at all really.. I just don't want to see my sister hurt AGAIN.. I'll be quiet for now. Thanks again for the reply (Eric) Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 Hi Eric, I don't think now is the time to be quiet. If they start their marriage out keeping secrets like the existence of children from each other, how can it expect to succeed. Maybe he just doesn't know how to tell your sister, but she HAS to know before she marries him. There is also a chance she does know. Also, the gf may have ended up having an abortion. There are a lot of reasons why this might not negatively effect their relationship, but the slight possibility that your sister is going to unwittingly become a stepmother is to big of a secret to risk. I'd ask him about it, and make sure your sister knows about it. Give him a chance to talk to her about it, then ask her if he did. Let us know how it turns out. -bab- Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 11, 2007 Author Share Posted April 11, 2007 Hi Eric, I don't think now is the time to be quiet. If they start their marriage out keeping secrets like the existence of children from each other, how can it expect to succeed. Maybe he just doesn't know how to tell your sister, but she HAS to know before she marries him. There is also a chance she does know. Also, the gf may have ended up having an abortion. There are a lot of reasons why this might not negatively effect their relationship, but the slight possibility that your sister is going to unwittingly become a stepmother is to big of a secret to risk. I'd ask him about it, and make sure your sister knows about it. Give him a chance to talk to her about it, then ask her if he did. Let us know how it turns out. -bab- Oyyyy more pressure on my back lol.. I REALLY don't want to be involved ,but I understand what you're saying though. I will ask him first,so he'll have a chance to come clean with my sister,or he'll tell me that she did have an abortion. According to the emails though,I don't think an abortion happened. I just hope he doesn't turn on me and think of me as a "stickler" Thanks for the help,bab (eric) Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 i DO agree with babs post above Eric. I know you don't want to cause problems and I understand that you want to get a job where he works. BUT, somehow Karma has dropped this info on YOUR lap, and i feel that your sister NEEDS to know. I very seriously dated a guy, and found out that he had had a long term relationship and abandoned his GF when he found out she was pregnant. It was terrible, being lied too, knowing the man I thought I loved was basically a scumbag, both for lying and for abandoning his child. It ended the relationship. I REALLY would want to know, sooner rather than later, and I think your sister has the right to know, sooner rather than later. This is all based on you having a man to man talk with your BIL and finding out if indeed there IS a child, and what this particular situation is. I know it sucks for this to have landed on YOU, but thats life,and now you need to step up to the plate. "what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to decieve"-Will shakespeare better to get messy stuff on the table asap, than have it fester and become gangrenous !!!! PS. As a woman, and a woman who went through something similar, If I was your sister and found out you knew and didn't tell me, I'd be pissed ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 11, 2007 Author Share Posted April 11, 2007 ok Melody! looks like I need to do this huh...I'll tell him I found emails in this computer,damn I hope it's nothing. Looks like I need to tell him soon and thanks for everyones help,I wanted to see what others would do and I have found out:) thank you. BTW,Melody thanks for the Shakespeare quote:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 11, 2007 Author Share Posted April 11, 2007 BUT, somehow Karma has dropped this info on YOUR lap, and i feel that your sister NEEDS to know. Well Karma has dropped alot in my lap this year lol now this? thank you,Karma:rolleyes: Ok I know what I need to do,I don't wanna,but looks like I need to. I just hope he understands my view on this,and respects me for coming to him first. He's going to help me in my car racing this year and possibly will be working together,so I'd hate for him to get pissed at me. He's really a great guy,but like you,I don't think this should be withheld from my sister. Maybe she allready knows,I hope so. Thanks,Melody (Eric) Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 So, did you confront him? Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 Yes, inquiring minds want to know !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 16, 2007 Author Share Posted April 16, 2007 I'm sorry,I forgot this thread.. Well no I have not and don't plan too. I figured that if he DOES have a kid then obviously he would have to pay child support right?. I figured my sister would know or not if he is paying child support. I decided to leave it at that. I have my own mid life crisis going on,so I care not to stir anything else up..I don't want to be the "snobby" "prying" family member. I discussed this with mom and she wants me to leave it alone.. My sister did tell me that he had a GF in NC though... Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 There could be a lot of explanations. The child was stillborn. The child has since been adopted by ex GF's husband and sisters BF has given up parental rights. The child was not sister's BF's afterall. Without reading the emails and knowing the contents of them, there could be all sorts of things that could be misinterpreted. You spoke to your Mom? That was going to be my suggestion. Bring it to her attention and let her address the situation. A parent is better prepared to bring up certain subjects. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 It's not outside of the realm of possibilities that your mom and sister have talked about it, and your mom knows the answer, but is trying to keep it hush hush. I say this because it's to hard for me to imagine a mother who wouldn't immediately try and find out what was going on with the man her daughter was going to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 16, 2007 Author Share Posted April 16, 2007 Here's a couple of emails from the GF he had in NC who he may have had a baby with...These are from 2003 before he met my sister. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Hey just wanting to know how it is going on up there. I MISS YOU! Momma has Steph and Bubba believing that you left me. i hear crap from everywhere it is really getting to me. I wonder if the best thing would have been just going with you. I can't wait until Sept. Good night I LOVE YOU!![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Hey babe, Jefferson County sent some papers (child support papers ) for you to give to Dano's so they can deduct money out of your paycheck so you need to contact the court and let them know where you are!! oh and try to get things straightened out before I get there please (blood test or what you need to do to find out if the baby is yours) PLEASE I Love you and we need this straightened out before the baby is born!! Talk to you later maybe tomorrow I Love you and Miss you so much[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial] **My mom didn't know anything until I mentioned it....I really am stuck here in what to do,but I really don't want to get involved....It sucks cause I know if I ask anything it will cause a mass family drama fest....I hate being the youngest lol...[/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 Wow, those just make me have more questions. It sounds like they were still together which is kind of weird in the context of a child support conversation. Usually you are paying voluntarily when you're still together, even if you live in different cities/states. And I've never heard of setting up support before a baby is even born. Very strange. These were in HER email account? So her words were included in his replies? Or these were in her "sent items" folder? And you're sure this is the ex GF"s email account? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just a little baffled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 16, 2007 Author Share Posted April 16, 2007 Wow, those just make me have more questions. It sounds like they were still together which is kind of weird in the context of a child support conversation. Usually you are paying voluntarily when you're still together, even if you live in different cities/states. And I've never heard of setting up support before a baby is even born. Very strange. These were in HER email account? So her words were included in his replies? Or these were in her "sent items" folder? And you're sure this is the ex GF"s email account? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just a little baffled. Yeah I assume that this computer I'm on now was hers before,because those emails came out of her Outlook Express main identity. He has an Identity on here to,and I have the replies to those emails from him. This all happened before he met my sister...I do know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 16, 2007 Author Share Posted April 16, 2007 BTW yeah the emails are from her sent folder,her name is Leana. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 Don't you think that the ex writing is NOT the mother of this baby. I think the baby came from a previous relationship. the ex writing this e-mail wanted it straighted out whether he was the father of another woman's baby. Maybe it turned out he wasn't the father anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 My detective skills are in manic mode now. So, how did your Mom react other than saying to leave it alone? Did she seems surprised? Concerned? More like she had some inside info? I don't know Eric, I'm pretty stumped. Thank goodness you have boxer briefs to comfort you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 16, 2007 Author Share Posted April 16, 2007 My detective skills are in manic mode now. So, how did your Mom react other than saying to leave it alone? Did she seems surprised? Concerned? More like she had some inside info? I don't know Eric, I'm pretty stumped. Thank goodness you have boxer briefs to comfort you. If I think about it a bit I suppose she had a "little surprise,but alot of leave it alone attitude" She didn't seem to know anything. I actually have the girls email and everything...in fact I have her password in outlook express so I could actually sign on to her account. I won't though.. I just don't want to be known as the "Rat" Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 If I think about it a bit I suppose she had a "little surprise,but alot of leave it alone attitude" She didn't seem to know anything. I actually have the girls email and everything...in fact I have her password in outlook express so I could actually sign on to her account. I won't though.. I just don't want to be known as the "Rat" I'd rather you be the messenger if I were your sister and I didn't know anything about this. My BF had an illegitimate child that he basically has no relationship with. When I first heard about the kid, I was shocked and took a few steps back. I don't want a man who abandoned his own kid! Once I got all the details, it wasn't as bad as I was imagining. It could still be better than it is, but I'm glad that I know (he told me, but not until several months) and it would have bothered me to NOT know something of that nature if I married a man and found out later, and THEN found out my beloved brother knew and didn't mention it. Some sleeping dogs should be allowed to lie, and some just shouldn't. Nobody likes to be "the rat", but the "rat fink" is even worse. "How could you!" On that note I would try to login into the email account and see what other goodies are in the outbox. I don't know if it would still be an active account on an active server, but I would know that by now if I were you. If there were answers there that could make me sleep better at night I would want to have them. (Shame on me, I'm not a snooper by nature.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricOnTheWeb Posted April 17, 2007 Author Share Posted April 17, 2007 I understand you,but another thing is he gave me this computer for free,and I really don't want him to regret that,or use it against him. He's really a very cool guy and our family loves him,and it is not that easy for me to potentialy screw up alot of peoples feelings and hearts. I know if I say anything I'll instantly become not trusted and he'll think of me as an *******. I know that sounds selfish,but thats just the way it is.. I just can't deal with that crap right now,I have my own crap I'm going through in my life ATM,and crap that leads me to sites such as this.. Although I seem to be half way decent,I am going through alot...I haven't exactly blurted out my problem here yet,and its not easy to say out loud.. What a freakin situation...and its all probably nothing,but what if it is?.... Guess I'm the evil freakin rat. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 I understand, Eric. I really think it's probably nothing, but I do enjoy the supermarket tabloid kind of stuff. If it ever comes up a a problem you can always say "I told Mom, and she told me to keep it to myself!" As for everything else you're going through, I'm sorry you are suffering. May you find peace. Link to post Share on other sites
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