..I feel the world colapsing

[nanda]

About three months ago I discovered pictures of another naked woman on my boyfriends computer. She is an old "friend" of his. When I confronted him, he denied any responsibility. He stated that she had sent the images to him and that he had not responded. But, I couldn't believe that it was a one way street. I felt he had cheated on me. I felt hurt. I felt angry.

 

I had discovered beforehand that he was constantly frequenting porn sites. He even had posted his own picture online at a swingers site. He also spent time chatting online with these women.

 

After a recent blowup. He said that he has a major problem, that rather than facing his life he has been drawn to porn as a means of escape. He said he hated his life. That he had no creative drive or care in the world anymore. He said he loved me and that his actions had nothing to do with the way he feels for more me, but for the horrible way he feels about himself.

 

We moved in together 7 months ago. With huge dreams of him getting into a music career. When we arrived neither of us had jobs. His idea was to start working toward his dream in the music business. It became a harder task than expected and I could tell he felt overwhelmed. I discovered all he did was look at porn while I was away at work rather than getting anything done. Without any money his car was repossessed and the bill collecters starting calling. Finally I yelled and screamed until he got a job. A job he says he hates. Now, he says he is so tired, and so far away from acheiving his dream. That life is a constant reminder of all the mistakes he has made. What has gone so wrong he says??

 

Recently things had been improving. He had made lists of things to get accomplished and had actually followed through. I thought to myself hooray. We are on the right track.

 

But then I noticed the old behavior returning. The retreat to his office, the quickly clicking to another page if I walked in etc. And I suspected he had returned to the porn.

 

And I in a state of paranoia looked at his email. I found a sexually explicit email he had sent to some woman. Angry. I asked him if he had been looking at porn again. He said yes. I asked him if he had emailed other woman. He said absolutely not. My heart dropped.

 

I told him I had snooped in his email. He blew up. He told me I had violated his world, his space, etc...

 

We talked more and he said he just doesn't care anymore, that he just can't get his life together. He says all I do is make him feel small, because I always confront him with the demons he knows are there. He says I make him feel ashamed. He says he needs me to support him as he tries to do better, not crush him.

 

I am so upset. THis man has so much potential, so much talent, and yet he goes to porn rather than reality. I feel so horrible for snooping in his private email, but I just suspected something was up and felt he would deny the truth.

 

I continue to think that somehow he will stop. He says he will, but then he always returns to it.

 

Why do I keep holding on? Am I a complete fool?

 

Is there any hope???

[Enema]

1) There's nothing wrong with people looking at porn.

 

2) There is something wrong with him posting on Swingers forums and it's wrong for him to contact a woman via email the way he has been.

 

You should dump him for #2 and take #1 on board for the next guy you date.

[Aloros]

I agree with enema that there's nothing wrong with looking at a little porn, as long as it doesn't interfere with your love life. But sexually explicit emails + posting a profile on a swingers site? Completely unacceptable.

 

Do you notice how he's pinning all this blame on you? You violated his email, you make him feel ashamed, you confront him, blah blah blah. Wow, this sounds so much like my ex. I was on his case for him not being able to stay in school. You know what? Even if I never said anything, even if I was super-duper supportive, it didn't change anything, because the fact is, IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

 

It's not your fault that he's the way he is. You have a right to confront him, and you have a right to make him feel ashamed. He's not taking responsibility for his actions.

 

He speaks of his "demons" and his shame, but what active steps has he taken to change? On his own, without your prodding? If he's so miserable with himself, maybe he should be doing something about it, correct? Get some therapy, see a counselor, set some goals...

 

You can't make him change. He's the only one who can do that. And please, all this whining about being tired and so far away from his dream? If he really wanted it, he wouldn't be sitting on his butt looking at porn. I work full-time, have several pets, have a bf, an active social life, and I still found time to write a book on the side.

 

You have to decide if you want to live with this, because I can almost guarantee you that he won't change with you still around. He has no incentive.

 

I'm sorry if this was harsh, but been there, done that. Please don't accept anything less than what will make you happy.