Stupid question but . . .

[Chamari]

Does it ever help to *know* about your b/f's past relationships? My b/f is always willing to answer anything I ask him but I'm afraid that asking about past relationships will only make me feel more insecure/jealous than I do now. Right now I simply catch myself wondering every once in a while--did he treat his other g/fs the way he treats me? Did he ever tell them that he loved them? He dated one of our female friends for a while the year before I met him--did he kiss her? How serious were they? They're still friends and I'm okay with that most of the time--after all, they've been friends for longer than I've known him and whatever their relationship was they got past it so it's not like I'm worried about them, just left wondering exactly what happened. It helps though that she's always been super suportive of him dating me and is always talking him up to me. Not that she needs to. I already think he's amazing.

 

I know that all of his past relationships are just that--past--but I still catch myself wondering. Is this a pretty normal reaction? He's my first b/f so I don't know much about how things usually go. I'm thinking my best bet is to let myself keep wondering in the odd moment since it is just that, the occasional odd thought, and getting answers would probably leave me feeling more insecure and raise more questions.

[corazoncito]

I don't think it's stupid to want to know about your BF's past. I'm sure you'll get a lot of different responses. Here's my personal take:

 

It makes sense to know how he has behaved in past relationships because it helps you to anticipate how he will most likely behave with you.

 

But you don't need every little detail. Like a blow-by-blow breakdown of a list of all of his past ex's is just going to be uncomfortable for you both.

 

What my current BF and I have discussed is the past relationships that we have considered our most serious (two for each of us). We've talked about what attracted us to that person, what was going on in our lives at the time and why it ultimately ended. We've had bits and pieces of these discussion over time, not all at one go. Probably we discussed this in more depth as we got more serious about each other. We also know in a very general sense why our other less serious relationships ended, but just in general. We don't name names in those cases. IMO, it's more the why than who that's important.

[silentcharon]

Ahh. It depends on what you want to achieve by asking those kind of questions. If you cannot handle hearing those things, do not ask. Everyone has a past, and don't take it personal if he doesn't want to discuss it.

 

Ask him how many girlfriends he's had and leave it at that. If he tells you he's slept with 25 women and has had only 2 relationships, he's definitely not relationship material. If he tells you he's had a few serious relationships, you know he's more likely to stay with you over the long run. It's a dice and roll, honey.

 

If he asks you why you want to know, you could say you're never really been in a relationship before, and feel curious about his experiences. And leave at it that! Don't get JEALOUS- He's with YOU, and that's all should matter!

[Enema]

I disagree with everyone so far.

 

You shouldn't ask him about his past as it's not important.

 

You like who he is now, don't spoil it by tainting the image you have of him from things he did in the past that have no bearing on who he is now.

 

Nothing good can come from dwelling on it and if there was anything "really" bad that you needed to know, he probably wouldn't talk about it!

[Chamari]

I don't think it's stupid to want to know about your BF's past. I'm sure you'll get a lot of different responses. Here's my personal take:

 

It makes sense to know how he has behaved in past relationships because it helps you to anticipate how he will most likely behave with you.

 

But you don't need every little detail. Like a blow-by-blow breakdown of a list of all of his past ex's is just going to be uncomfortable for you both.

 

What my current BF and I have discussed is the past relationships that we have considered our most serious (two for each of us). We've talked about what attracted us to that person, what was going on in our lives at the time and why it ultimately ended. We've had bits and pieces of these discussion over time, not all at one go. Probably we discussed this in more depth as we got more serious about each other. We also know in a very general sense why our other less serious relationships ended, but just in general. We don't name names in those cases. IMO, it's more the why than who that's important.

 

Thank you for responding. I think you're right that it's the why more than the who that's important--thanks for pointing that out. I think he's only been in two serious relationships--not the player type at all--but when they do come up he doesn't say much, probably because he doesn't want to make me feel weird (not to mention it's probably a little weird for him as well), but the bits and pieces he has talked about is part of why I feel a little insecure about the relationship I think, and that makes me scared to ask.

 

His last relationship was with a girl that he says he really wasn't all that into, but he knew that she liked him and was friends with her roomates and they kind of pushed him into asking her out and apparently things were okay but not great and he figured breaking up with her would cause more problems than it would solve since they would be moving to seperate states for the summer anyways. (btw, both he and I are college students.) I can kind of understand but know that he just let the relationship trail off kills me because it leaves me wondering if he decided that I'm not what he thought I was or just realized that he's not all that into me if he would say anything or just wait for things to trail off. If we break up, sure, I'll be miserable but give me some time and I'll be able to move on. If he let things trail off in our relationship it would drive me crazy, trying to tell if things were over or if he was just super busy with stuff or . . . I'd go mad thinking about it.

 

That right there is actually one of my issues with our relationship. I've told him flat out that I don't ever want him to do that to me and if he ever feels like he wants out or something to tell me, but I can't get over that nagging feeling that because he is "a nice guy" and he knows that I love him he wouldn't want to hurt me.

 

Anyways, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to him about past stuff--any ideas of a tactful way I can bring it up?

[Chamari]

Thank you for the responses, SilentCharon and Enema.

 

Happily, he and I are both religious and don't believe in premarital sex so I don't have to worry about him having slept around--and I *think* I know him well enough that I don't have to worry about any deep dark secrets coming out later on. I'm more just curious which is why I want to ask but feel like I probably shouldn't since I seem to be a compulsive worrier and quite good at making all kinds of nonsense out of a random comment. It's actually really annoying because more often than not I *know* that I'm making something out of nothing but don't seem to be able to stop myself. Best I can do is try to avoid talking about it until I've given myself some time to get over things.

[silentcharon]

How old are you guys? I'm guessing you guys are rather young. You worry because you're insecure about something. Why are you worrying about how he treats break-ups? It's not happening. Enjoy the relationship for what it is now, and worry about that stuff later on.

 

As for his past, I would suggest just leaving it alone- as it would not benefit you or him. BUTTTTT.... if you DO talk to him about it, be PROactive, not reactive!

[Chamari]

I'm 20, he's 23. I guess I've been thinking about the break up thing for a while because we're getting pretty close to summer break from school and even though I *know* that he likes me, there's that annoying little voice in the back of my head that likes to cause problems when things are going fine.

 

I'm a little confused about your last line there--what do you mean by being proactive?

[kepners]

my take on it all is this, when you meet someone for the first time, often some of the few things you have in comman is ex's - and talking about why stuff happened - for me also, the way she talks about them gives me an indication of how she feeling about the future. i dont know, that how i see it.

 

also know too much of her past does start to weigh on ur mind special from a blokes point of view. ie when shes shown her self not to be a VIRGIN! HAHA. i know thats a silly and cras statement, but certainly from my point of view, i want to know or THINK my misses is a virgin, and i converted her to MEN, and that its ME whos making her be nawty.

NOW, deep down i know its rubbish, but its a male ego thing, and not wanting to know she has nailed more things than a work mans hammer, because her history isnt important, but as it life, sometimes if u know something that horrifies you, u cant let it go... no matter how much you want it.

 

so for me its swings and round-abouts the whole history thing.

[quankanne]

really, the only thing you really, really should ask your boyfriend or girlfriend is if they have any sexually transmitted diseases or any psycho exes you need to worry about. And a general idea of dating history, as SC mentions.

 

everything else is moot, in my opinion ....

[squeak]

Kepners brings up a good point, I think most women want to just compulsively confess everything, that is how they bond with GF's, and they think the guy will appreciate their honesty, when in fact that is not what's up.

 

Guys want to believe their girl has never been or enjoyed anyone before them-that they were the first to introduce the girl to whatever.

 

It is like if your SO asks if you thought so and so was attractive, you always say "they've got nothing on you"..it is not about the truth but little symbols of caring and respect that have to be observed.

 

Personally, it is important to me to know my man is not someone who had one night stands or wild multiple partner adventures, or who ever deliberately used a girl for sex by misleading her-- but that's about all I need or want to know.

[squeak]

Oh-and break up style is important, but it is not necessarily any predictor of future behavior with you, unless he is a serial monagamist who lines up one girl before jumping to the next, that is important to know.

 

But worrying about him trailing off with you because that was how he ended one last time-it seems like a red herring. Not so important to worry about. Enjoy your time together.

 

Why must we always think about the end? I'm like that too. It is confusing.

[silentcharon]

Read up on being proactive and reactive. Proactive is having a positive attitude about the issue at hand, and reacting in a positive way that benefits both parties in the discussion. Positive feed back is generated.

 

Reactive is having negative attitudes, and reacting in a negative way that does NOT benefit anyone. Negative feed back is generated.

 

You are being reactive right now.

 

You are worrying about all this stuff that really doesn't matter right now, and if you ask, you will be asking the wrong kinds of questions that makes you seem reactive, so of course, your boyfriend will certainly become defensive and you won't get any answers that you seek. You will then resent your boyfriend for it... it's a vicious cycle, ending you feeling even more jealous/insecure about it! Nothing good will come out of it.

 

So..... dump that reactive attitude RIGHT NOW! All it is doing is driving you up the wall, and you're miserable.

 

If you approach your boyfriend with the right sort of questions in a proactive manner- you should also be ready to explain why you're asking, as this is part of being proactive. Your boyfriend will be most likely be more accompanying, as he won't feel the need to become defensive.

 

For instance- you're wondering about how many girls he's ever dated, and you ask, "Hey, how many people have you dated?"

 

Your BF: "Why do you ask?"

 

You (proactive answer): "Because you're so awesome, it makes me wonder how many girls you've dated to become such a great boyfriend for me!"

OR:

 

You (reactive answer): "Because I need to know how many girls you've been with."

 

You tell me which scenario (proactive vs reactive) will most likely generate the best results that you are seeking.

 

I hope this explains what I mean. By no means am I encouraging you to ask him, I am just giving you ideas how you might want to approach him if you do decide to ask. Remember that it's not just the question itself that is being asked, it's about how the person approaches the issue at hand, and how the person chooses to react, 99% of the time!

[kepners]

SIlent, Nice post! interesting and true!

[nocturnal_kiss]

Once the past is brought up between you it becomes part of your present relationship. How much of that do you want to take on?

 

Does your BF have the right to be a new person with you? Maybe he wants to leave aside the past to be someone different.

 

On the other hand, there is always the slight possibility he is hiding something important. Is he hiding it to protect himself, protect you? Both? Has he decided there is some benefit to hiding it that overrides the benefits of honesty?

 

A woman might hide something in her past, like a rape or an abortion. Or something else private. One could understand that and leave it alone. Or should the SO be the first to know?

 

These are active questions for me. I don't have the answers.

[Guest]

i too am 20 and in my first ever relationship. We've been together for a year and a half now but at the beginning i asked too many questions out of curiosity, i cared about him but not enough to get jealous. then my feelings got deeper and his past started to bother me. around christmas i had a long period of a few months of getting depressed about his past, unable to think of anything else, getting jealous because he'd cared about other girls and had slept with them and is still friends with a recent ex. its better now but i still get twinges and occasionally it gets me down and i cant think rationally. i've learnt my lesson now, i dont want to know any more about them, i dont want to hear about them, if i do it gets to me, as long as i can pretend they dont exist and its just him and me i'm ok. so my advice to u is: yes, maybe ask how many and if they were all in relationships with him (the one thing i'm grateful for with my boyf is hes never had a one night stand, just f**ked a girl cos he was horny). DO NOT ask for details, names etc! It'll just come back to haunt u. i know my boyf is over his exes even if he loved them, i know he loves me, he hates to think i get upset over his past when they dont matter anymore. i'm working through it, u have the opportunity not to have to. leave his past in his past, he's with u know, forget the others. and dont ask cos its so much harder to forget once u know.