Paco Posted December 24, 2002 Share Posted December 24, 2002 Hello everybody, I've been dating a girl for the past few weeks and I've come to a conclusion that I do not want to pursue a romantic relationship with this girl. I should be falling for this girl but unfortunately I cannot see her beyond friendship. I've been on a few dates with her hoping that those feelings will emerge but to no avail. The issue is that she has fallen deeply for me and I want to tell her in a way that minimizes her pain. I know that she will get hurt so I want to do this in the most sensitive way. She assumes that we are a long term item but just to make it clear, I have not lead her on in any way to think that. Any suggestions would be welcomed. I have never done this before. Thank you, Paco Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted December 25, 2002 Share Posted December 25, 2002 Tell her you just realized that you're gay and that it's nothing personal. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 25, 2002 Share Posted December 25, 2002 YOU WRITE: 1. "I've been dating a girl for the past few weeks and I've come to a conclusion that I do not want to pursue a romantic relationship with this girl." I think that's your right. I also think it takes a lot longer than two weeks to become romantic. However, it usually doesn't take long to determine if there's potential for it to go in that direction. 2. "I should be falling for this girl but unfortunately I cannot see her beyond friendship." So exactly why do you think you "should" be falling for this girl. I've never heard this stated before and I've never heard of the concept. I don't know of any person alive on the planet who "should" be falling for somebody. Where did you get that from??? 3. "I've been on a few dates with her hoping that those feelings will emerge but to no avail." I've never gone out with a lady hoping I would fall for her. But I've been out with tons hoping they would fall for me. Your quite a specimen, Paco!!! Usually, for myself, I just let nature take its course. If I fall fine, but if I don't I don't. It's all a matter of emotions, timing, chemistry, etc. 4. "The issue is that she has fallen deeply for me and I want to tell her in a way that minimizes her pain." If she has fallen deeply for you in two weeks, it's definitely not love. She's got some underlying psychological problems pertaining to need and dependency for which she needs treatment. You are not responsible for her feelings. If she has told you of her deep feelings for you, just let her know you aren't there yet and you don't anticipate that will happen. Let her know she's a fine lady and you hope things work out well for her. Give her a heads up and let her know that if she had waited, perhaps a few months, to tell you of her feelings you may have had time to develop some yourself. She needs to work on taking her time to give herself so deeply emotionally. But before she can do that, she needs to find out why she is so craving of love and a relationship. It doesn't make a guy feel very special to have someone fall in love so quickly...yuk. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted December 25, 2002 Share Posted December 25, 2002 Just be upfront and tell her that you just want to be friends. The worst thing that you could do is just avoid her. And I SERIOUSLY give you credit for recognizing what you have to do, and being man enough to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 25, 2002 Share Posted December 25, 2002 Just stop taking her out, or calling her, or contacting her in any way. If she doesn't get the message, and asks you something, just say that no, nothing's wrong. b/c there's nothing u'r doing wrong - it's her expectations that are way off. long-term? after two weeks? what the?? this gal needs a wake-up call... good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted December 26, 2002 Share Posted December 26, 2002 I don't agree. I think it's better to be up front than just ignore someone. I've been on the other end...and it SUCKS to have someone who used to call all of the time just stop...when you never did anything to deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 26, 2002 Share Posted December 26, 2002 Originally posted by Tony If she has fallen deeply for you in two weeks, it's definitely not love. She's got some underlying psychological problems pertaining to need and dependency for which she needs treatment. That is grossly unfair Tony. You can have strong feelings for someone after a few weeks. Even when you were not friends before you can fall deeply and hard for someone in a short time. He didn't mention love, he mentioned strong feelings. Do you just preach or do you actually practice this stuff as well? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 26, 2002 Share Posted December 26, 2002 isn't it a combination of (not in any particular order) -attraction -respect -admiration -attachment -similar stands in terms of religion, politics, etc - or amazing ability to ignore those factors -common goals (long-term), and support of each other's goals -similar enough ways of living (day-to-day) -eternal interest in the other's opinion & ability to compromise -ability to forgive (The last two are more like personal qualities, i guess... ) but ... what else is there to it?... I always feel like people believe in some 'magic' of love, but there isn't any! i suppose there's also the "love but can't live with" kind of love... but i think thats more like infatuation, temporary madness, obsession... im curious to see what you guys will reply =) -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 26, 2002 Share Posted December 26, 2002 I don't think it's grossly unfair to feel that you cannot fall in love in two weeks. You can certainly be smitten, in lust or infatuated. But real love consists of many component parts that cannot be assembled in two weeks. Yes has outlined some of the important components and I don't think you can pick up on all of those in another person in two weeks unless you are with them 24/7. I absolutely do think that if you are highly emotionally vulnerable, needy or other psychological factors exist, feelings mimicing those of love can emerge. But they're not real. There is simply no way you can have deep feelings most people would consider love in a short period of time. I also think it's not very practical to be falling for people that fast. It tends to scare a lot of people away who suspect it is not genuine But if you and people you know are able to fall in love that quickly and have successful relationships subsequent to that, knock yourself out. I am jealous as hell!!! Nobody said love was fair..... Link to post Share on other sites
DanOd Posted December 26, 2002 Share Posted December 26, 2002 If you simply start ignoring someone you no longer want to be with, cut and run without communicating openly and honestly with them, you have no character, no compassion and no decency. Furthermore, what goes around comes around and you will deserve getting your heart broken in the same merciless way. What ever happened to people being considerate and compassionate with each other? People really do suck. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 27, 2002 Share Posted December 27, 2002 YOU WRITE: "What ever happened to people being considerate and compassionate with each other?" If you will take the time to read the post that started this thread, all the way up at the top, you will see that Paco, the original poster, wants to be as compassionate, considerate and decent as possible. So, rather than balk at there being so little of that around today...why not offer him some nice suggestions on how he can let this lady down in the kind, gentle manner he wants to and which you champion??? And, I agree, some people really do suck...welcome to reality. But Paco is a very nice guy!!! Link to post Share on other sites
DanOd Posted December 27, 2002 Share Posted December 27, 2002 My remarks were meant for "Yes" who in an earlier post suggested ignoring someone utterly without any communication. I did not mention Paco in my post so I am not sure why you think my remarks were directed at him. Also in my post it is inferred that the more compassionate way to break up with someone is to communicate with them openly and honestly. IF you do that and that alone, that is all anyone can ask and you are a decent person with consideration for others, and are therefore one of the few people who do not suck. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 27, 2002 Share Posted December 27, 2002 Just say, I think you're a nice person and I've enjoyed spending time with you but I just don't think that we are right for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
kat316 Posted December 30, 2002 Share Posted December 30, 2002 It is hard to break up and it is hard to be broken up with, but I beleive that even after only a few weeks someone can develop strong feelings and get very disappointed if it did not work out. It might not take so long to get over the person which is a good thing , if treated with respect and dignity. I think the worse anyone can do is to treat someone as such or such, You can not possibly know her either after only a few weeks. If you do not feel it is going anywhere, and it has not yet been serious, just blame it all on yourself and say that you are too busy for a relationship. But maybe the only right way to break up with someone is to just simply say that you do not feel in love with the person. That is usually the truth and that can sometimes be the best to hear. Kat Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 30, 2002 Share Posted December 30, 2002 I noticed your other post was before Christmas, where you asked advice on breaking up with someone. I know it's difficult to do and I applaud your knowing the right thing to do and having the courage to do it. I hope it went well for you and the girl showed similar maturity during the discussion, and that it is now over and done with. I see so many threads here from people (mostly female) who are seeking closure from bf's who just cut them off. Guys take note! We need closure. Gals take note -- a lot of us can understand why guys run rather than risk a crying or angry scene -- if someone breaks up with you, ask your questions and be mature about it -- you can cry alone later. Link to post Share on other sites
Unclescam777 Posted January 6, 2003 Share Posted January 6, 2003 All I have to say is whatever you do please don't just start ignoring them. It would seriously crush the other person. Try and imagine if someone you were dating just all of a sudden began ignoring you. Its not something thats easy to cope with. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 6, 2003 Share Posted January 6, 2003 I agree, just think how you would like to be let down, and do it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
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