samantha_931 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Hello everyone....I need your help. me and my fiancee have been together for about two years now, we love each other very much and are expecting our first child soon. When we first met he introduced me to threesomes with other females, he had done them in the past and he wanted me to be apart of it now.the thing is it rips my heart into pieces, I know he is only doing it for fun and he isn't going to leave me but I can't take it. I have told him this and he agreed to stop doing it the best he could for me. I can tell that he wants to do it again, I'm afraid that he is going to do it without me so I don't hurt ... I need help to get over my jealousy so I can please him like I used to. please help. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 I need help to get over my jealousy so I can please him like I used to. please help. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have your partner be exclusive with you, and you with him. Jealousy isn't the problem here. His inability to be sexually exclusive with you, even though you are engaged and pregnant is the problem here. I know he is only doing it for fun and he isn't going to leave me but I can't take it. I have told him this and he agreed to stop doing it the best he could for me. The best he can, eh? The best he can is to STOP DOING IT AT ALL. Unfortunately, your insecurity and fear that he will leave you is what will allow him to continue what he is doing. He knows that you will never leave him and he will continue to pressure you to do this type of activity. If you refuse he will do it behind your back (the "best I can" is a veiled way of saying "I will do it, but at least I can say I tried not to"). Unless you want to live out the rest of your life this way, and raise your child in this environment of unhappiness you will want to put your foot down firmly and make it perfectly clear that he has a choice. He can have you, and your child as part of a monogamous relationship OR he can have other women. Not both. Right now, he doesn't really have to make a choice, because you aren't giving him one. People who don't have to choose, don't. So, present him with that choice. Its either you, or them. Make it clear that the consequences for choosing casual sex are harsh: you will move very far away, limit your contact to child related only issues, and you will accept child support from him. Other than that, he will no longer be a part of your life. That should give him something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
chaos40 Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Hello everyone....I need your help. me and my fiancee have been together for about two years now, we love each other very much and are expecting our first child soon. When we first met he introduced me to threesomes with other females, he had done them in the past and he wanted me to be apart of it now.the thing is it rips my heart into pieces, I know he is only doing it for fun and he isn't going to leave me but I can't take it. I have told him this and he agreed to stop doing it the best he could for me. I can tell that he wants to do it again, I'm afraid that he is going to do it without me so I don't hurt ... I need help to get over my jealousy so I can please him like I used to. please help. Sounds like he became addicted to this scenario partly because you let him. Maybe you can wean him off slowly by substituting the 2nd girl with one of those life like blow up dolls Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Each person is responsible for their portion of the relationship. This includes not empowering someone to continue behaviour that's negative to the well-being of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Maybe you can wean him off slowly by substituting the 2nd girl with one of those life like blow up dolls :lmao: Thank goodness that my blow-up dolls don't get jealous of each other. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I'm with Lucrezia. After telling him how it makes you feel, he shouldn't have to think twice about what to do. This is one reason why I've always been skeptical about agreeing to threesomes with boyfriends...I'd be afraid of him wanting it to become a regular thing, or afraid that he wouldn't be satisfied with one-on-one sex anymore. He needs to decide what's more important to him, threesomes or his wife and child. If he even has to think about it though, that's not a very respectable person. And if he has any intentions on doing it behind your back, that's even more disrespectable. Put your foot down. If he even considers acting on something that he knows you are not comfortable with, he isn't thinking of you enough. He's being very selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
eraforevermore Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Tell him you want to have a three way w/another man and see how long he asks for another one w/another girl.Might work...I hope so Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Dangerous territory, those threesomes. You DO have the right to monogamy. Unfortunately your BF has the right to choosing to engage in multiple partner sex, too. It doesn't sound like you're really in sync on this matter. Since you already condoned this lifestyle choice I think it might be really hard to change him now. Sexual issues are the hardest to overcome, but this one should be easier than some. I'm with Lucrezia, too. I would give him the ultimatum if it's tearing your heart in pieces. And learn that you now have very clear boundaries for future relationships. It's best to exercise boundaries from the get-go, but if he really loves you and values the relationship he should be able to stop. I haven't run into this issue myself, but my first reaction to the suggestion of a threesome would be a test of sorts. I would ask him if hes willing to do a MMF threesome and see how he likes the idea of sharing me, versus me sharing him. Then if he was willing, I'd still decline. I'm sorry this is so hard, but these arrangements are more often complicated than not. A child makes it even more so. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Lovelace said: This is one reason why I've always been skeptical about agreeing to threesomes with boyfriends...I'd be afraid of him wanting it to become a regular thing, or afraid that he wouldn't be satisfied with one-on-one sex anymore. I say: You are right to be skeptical! That territory is the man's version of a test-how far will you go to please HIM? And guess what? He'll think lessof you if you do it. I don't know this from personal experience-I would walk from a BF that suggested that. From observing others peoples lives I have seen it consistently brings heartbreak. Never even entertain it, unless you want it so much you are willing to ultimately lose your relationship to it. Unless it is primarily the woman's idea, the woman should NEVER ever ever do that just because her BF wants her too. Never let a man think it is okay to have relations with you AND another woman. You think it is keeping him with you? Wrong! He sees a GF who does that as the good time girl. His estimation of you goes down, and part of your worth becomes that you = other women too. Plus it becomes hard to change things back to a traditional relationship. It is too bad you went there Samantha, it's ultimatum time, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I'm confused here. Were you guys having threesomes early in the relationship? Was he having threesomes with other women while you guys were together? Was it something he was doing before you even met? If it's something you guys engaged in or you allowed him to do on his own while you were already going out, then it's going to be tough since you've already condoned that behavior. To retract it now is changing the rules of the relationship and I wouldn't entirely expect him to just be okay with that. OTOH, if it was something he was doing before you met and he hasn't done it since, then he should understand that this is part of the requirement of a relationship with you specifically. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Samantha, irrespective of what things were like, you need to be absolutely honest with him and let him know how things are like now. I can understand the 3some thing. Been there, done that in a long term relationship. It was fun to start off with. Not so fun in the long run when I wanted exclusivity. Nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity on my part. I just didn't want that element in our relationship anymore. It was difficult to explain. But I had to because it too was tearing me apart. Sexually we were way out of sync. But that's by the by. You're pregnant. Things are changing. You're going to have a 3some of your own soon. You need to be absolutely honest sooner rather than later. And for the rest, I can just echo what LucreziaBorgia said. Very best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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