Understanding?

[helpme]

My girlfriend and I (both mid 40's) have been steadily dating for four months. We have known each other for 4 years from work but she was married and then got divorced 2 1/2 years ago. Other than some periodic dates with a few other guys, I am essentially the first man(never married) she has dated and gotten emotionally attached to since the demise of a lousy 15 year marriage to a pretty messed up guy. So for the last couple of years she has been adjusting to life on her own with her kids which is ok because she has a good job and $$ is not a problem. She thought she would have a chance to meet a lot of eligible men along the way.

 

Well, I came into her life and our relationship has happened and this scares her because she wasn't planning on this occurring with the first man. Her heart likes what is happening but at times her mind is reminding her to step back and don't make another mistake. Sometimes I wonder if she would rather see what else is out there or maybe I have feelings of inadequacy due to the self doubt that we sometimes have. My strongest supporter is a close friend of hers that we both work with and lets me know that I am really a great guy and to give her time to let a new man into her life after the divorce.

 

How realistic is it for someone my age to scan the field, its not like I'm 25 and have a large field to look over.We are both quite selective (I haven't had a serious relationship in almost 3 years) and it isn't very often I find someone I respect, have great chemistry with, and share a lot of common interests with both professionally and at home and just plain like spending time with. I am also the first man she has allowed to meet and get to know her kids. They are becoming very fond of me and I truly adore them and seeing this happening also is concerning to her. In a lot of ways the relationship has been blossoming even though it wasn't part of the plan. She now feels she may need so see her counselor again because of her conflicting feelings. She knows there is a tremendous amount of potential for us to have something special, something I have felt for awhile. I think the world of her and would like an honest chance at this relationship but fear scaring her off. Feedback greatly appreciated!!!

[fredsprop]

My girlfriend and I (both mid 40's) have been steadily dating for four months. We have known each other for 4 years from work but she was married and then got divorced 2 1/2 years ago. Other than some periodic dates with a few other guys, I am essentially the first man(never married) she has dated and gotten emotionally attached to since the demise of a lousy 15 year marriage to a pretty messed up guy. So for the last couple of years she has been adjusting to life on her own with her kids which is ok because she has a good job and $$ is not a problem. She thought she would have a chance to meet a lot of eligible men along the way. Well, I came into her life and our relationship has happened and this scares her because she wasn't planning on this occurring with the first man. Her heart likes what is happening but at times her mind is reminding her to step back and don't make another mistake. Sometimes I wonder if she would rather see what else is out there or maybe I have feelings of inadequacy due to the self doubt that we sometimes have. My strongest supporter is a close friend of hers that we both work with and lets me know that I am really a great guy and to give her time to let a new man into her life after the divorce. How realistic is it for someone my age to scan the field, its not like I'm 25 and have a large field to look over.We are both quite selective (I haven't had a serious relationship in almost 3 years) and it isn't very often I find someone I respect, have great chemistry with, and share a lot of common interests with both professionally and at home and just plain like spending time with. I am also the first man she has allowed to meet and get to know her kids. They are becoming very fond of me and I truly adore them and seeing this happening also is concerning to her. In a lot of ways the relationship has been blossoming even though it wasn't part of the plan. She now feels she may need so see her counselor again because of her conflicting feelings. She knows there is a tremendous amount of potential for us to have something special, something I have felt for awhile. I think the world of her and would like an honest chance at this relationship but fear scaring her off. Feedback greatly appreciated!!!

I think that it's only natural to be leary of new beginnings when the past has been so bad. You should really just enjoy your time with her and take every day for what it's worth. Don't push her. Give her time to heal from her divorce and just let things happen naturally. You said that you're the first man that she allowed to meet her children and you also said that your mutal friend assures you of her interest. I think that that's a good sign. Don't allow your insecurities to overcome you. If you just let things happen and progress slowly, I'm sure that the relationship will blossom. Just try to be patient and understanding and she'll come around. Good luck!

[Will]

The best thing you can do is back off and let her get her thoughts together and either decide she wants you or she wants her freedom to see other people. I have just ended a similar relationship, in part because I tried to force the issue. She told me I became needy, insecure, and dependent upon her for how I felt. It is a vicious cycle, making you become more insecure about yourself because she has doubts about your relationship. You try harder to make her want you which in turn causes her to back away. Like the strange dog you encounter on the street. If you walk towards it fast, it will likely turn and run away scared. If you walk slowly away from it, it might follow you. Hang in there and give her the space she needs, while focusing upon your own life and interests. Either way, you will be better prepared for the future, whatever it is. Don't scare her away. Let her decide. Be smart, not like me. I am now alone.

 

My girlfriend and I (both mid 40's) have been steadily dating for four months. We have known each other for 4 years from work but she was married and then got divorced 2 1/2 years ago. Other than some periodic dates with a few other guys, I am essentially the first man(never married) she has dated and gotten emotionally attached to since the demise of a lousy 15 year marriage to a pretty messed up guy. So for the last couple of years she has been adjusting to life on her own with her kids which is ok because she has a good job and $$ is not a problem. She thought she would have a chance to meet a lot of eligible men along the way. Well, I came into her life and our relationship has happened and this scares her because she wasn't planning on this occurring with the first man. Her heart likes what is happening but at times her mind is reminding her to step back and don't make another mistake. Sometimes I wonder if she would rather see what else is out there or maybe I have feelings of inadequacy due to the self doubt that we sometimes have. My strongest supporter is a close friend of hers that we both work with and lets me know that I am really a great guy and to give her time to let a new man into her life after the divorce. How realistic is it for someone my age to scan the field, its not like I'm 25 and have a large field to look over.We are both quite selective (I haven't had a serious relationship in almost 3 years) and it isn't very often I find someone I respect, have great chemistry with, and share a lot of common interests with both professionally and at home and just plain like spending time with. I am also the first man she has allowed to meet and get to know her kids. They are becoming very fond of me and I truly adore them and seeing this happening also is concerning to her. In a lot of ways the relationship has been blossoming even though it wasn't part of the plan. She now feels she may need so see her counselor again because of her conflicting feelings. She knows there is a tremendous amount of potential for us to have something special, something I have felt for awhile. I think the world of her and would like an honest chance at this relationship but fear scaring her off. Feedback greatly appreciated!!!