luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 My H asked me if I was mad with him tonight. Once again I have withdrawn as I tend to do when it all seems hopeless with him. I have been mad before when I have done this, but I really right now feel like I am just TIRED of his crap and just don't have enough love for him to bother trying to have any meaningful interaction. The evening started off with me feeling pissed. Once again he is agonizing over some interaction with a female coworker (who I believe he has the hots for, but he denies it - but why else would he let her get to him so???) I am thinking mostly about the contrast of him being ALL worked up over this situation with her, to the point of losing sleep and wanting to talk it over for HOURS vs the flip reaction I get when I try to express the emotional pain I have had from not feeling loved and wanted, where he tells me that I am making mountains out of molehills, am too sensitive and have deep emotional issues, then toddles off to a good night's sleep. But something went bust in the middle of being pissed and I was just like, WHATEVER!!! I refused to indulge him in wanting to dump it all on me, I just said, you know what? You're going to have to deal with it. Figure out what relationship you want with this woman and act accordingly. My only concern any more is that you don't bring this crap home to me (on several occasions, he picked huge fights with me and I was befuddled until it came out later that she had "intentionally ignored him" that day). Right now I just feel like I wish he would disappear from my life because he has become nothing more than an emotional vampire...and I am running dry. We have counselor's appt Monday and are supposed to come with a list of "most negative thoughts you have about your partner". I have one a mile long...but he is saying he can't think of anything!!! Funny, he comes up with plenty when he picks fights. It seems that once again, he is just too frigging lazy to do the work, so he decides to take the "everything's fine" position as the path of least resistance. One day, he says we are too different and I am too difficult, the next he is happier than he has ever been and we are living the AMERICAN DREAM, by golly! Good God! I am so sick of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I titled this about not giving a damn and then proceeded to sound like I do...I guess what I really meant is that I feel like I am at the turning point where I was desperately trying to reach out to him and am now starting to just feel like I want him out of my life. I don't want to feel this way, but this madness has got to stop. Cripes, I just had to vent. Thanks for listening, to those of you who read this far... Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I don't want to feel this way, but this madness has got to stop.[?QUOTE] It does, and he's the one who has to stop it by considering your feelings and needs and getting over what sounds like an obvious obsession with Work Woman. Go in with your list. If he's not aware and honest enough to come up with his own then that's on him and any good counselor will call him on his state of denial (NOT a river in Egypt). Counseling can be a two-edged sword. Most of us go into it to make the marriage stronger. Often, we come out of it knowing the marriage is irrevocably broken. It's a bitter pill to swallow but in the long-run, we have to be honest with ourselves and one another about the true state of the relationship. I hope it goes well in that the end result is what's best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Everything aside, do you still love him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Everything aside, do you still love him? EXCELLENT question. Sounds like a cop out but I really don't know. I have been so angered and frustrated by his mixed messages. I do know that what I want more than anything is to GET THROUGH TO HIM and have an honest intimate relationship but he actually seems to avoid that at all levels while declaring himself an open book and model husband. He seems so self-centered that I ask myself how could I love anyone like that, yet it has been my greatest desire to have that closeness with HIM. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't all just about my own ego any more. We are not simple creatures, are we? Sigh!! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 We are not simple creatures, are we? Sigh!! Is it really him you think you love or the idea of loving him because he's your husband and you think you should? There's a HUGE difference. I did the latter for WAY too long. Best thing I ever did was stop and move on. Unfortunately, it took me 25 years to figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I do know that what I want more than anything is to GET THROUGH TO HIM and have an honest intimate relationship but he actually seems to avoid that at all levels while declaring himself an open book and model husband. He seems so self-centered that I ask myself how could I love anyone like that, yet it has been my greatest desire to have that closeness with HIM. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't all just about my own ego any more. This set off some strong resonance with me. It's not ego, it's sheer, utter frustration with someone who can't express their emotions and when they finally express something, it's either lashing out in anger or another lie to get them out of the situation. The sad reality is that only they can change themselves. It doesn't mean that you stop loving them, which is where the pain, anger and frustration come from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Is it really him you think you love or the idea of loving him because he's your husband and you think you should? There's a HUGE difference. I did the latter for WAY too long. Best thing I ever did was stop and move on. Unfortunately, it took me 25 years to figure it out. Again, I don't know!! He is ostensibly a fabulous husband. I don't believe he has ever cheated on me, he calls me several times a day, says I love you a lot, comes home at night, doesn't smoke drink or do drugs, has a steady job and is a looker to boot! When we do recreational things or talk about things other than our marriage, it can be a lot of fun. When we HAD a sex life, it was very good, but he prefers to take care of himself now. From what I have read...it seems he is a narcissist. Does EVERYTHING to LOOK LIKE the good guy, but in private - very selfish, ungiving and unempathetic emotionally, has a vengeful streak and generally blames anyone and anything he can think of other than himself. If we have conflicting needs, he is PERFECTLY CONTENT if his needs are satisfied at the expense of mine. I am a horror show if I ever put my needs above his. Also from what I have read - this is not an easy nut to crack. I guess my thinking now - if he IS a narcissist then I'd BETTER get the hell out or choose a life of emotional servitude. In fact, the whole thing of "I can't think of anything bad to say about you" almost sounds like his way of trying to get me to reciprocate and backpeddle on my burgeoning list of negatives. He really is like that! He will change his behavior while we are in counseling so that I have "good reports" to give. Curmudgeon, he says he believes in staying in a marriage just for the sake of honoring the commitment. I am with you. I don't. But I do believe in giving it your all. At this point I am ready to hear whatever the counselor says. I actually have confidence in this counselor, so we'll see. Bottom line, I don't WANT to hear that it is hopeless, but if I have to hear it, I'd rather get it over with now. I am sorry that you had to go through 25 years to hear it. I am at 10.5, that is more than enough time to give it a go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 This set off some strong resonance with me. It's not ego, it's sheer, utter frustration with someone who can't express their emotions and when they finally express something, it's either lashing out in anger or another lie to get them out of the situation. The sad reality is that only they can change themselves. It doesn't mean that you stop loving them, which is where the pain, anger and frustration come from. Yeah I probably do still love him...and it's just killing me that he either doesn't reciprocate or cannot show me in a way I can relate to. I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Yeah I probably do still love him...and it's just killing me that he either doesn't reciprocate or cannot show me in a way I can relate to. I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!! You're doing the right thing by going to see a counsellor. Maybe she/he can get through to your husband. It will be painful the first few times but in the long run, it will be worthwhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 You're doing the right thing by going to see a counsellor. Maybe she/he can get through to your husband. It will be painful the first few times but in the long run, it will be worthwhile. I hope so. We tried twice before with other counselors and he was FINE with discussing MY issues, but in both cases when the spotlight shone on him, the counselor suddenly became biased or incompetent and he bailed. We sort of researched and mutually selected this guy so those arguments should be harder to pull off. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 I hope so. We tried twice before with other counselors and he was FINE with discussing MY issues, but in both cases when the spotlight shone on him, the counselor suddenly became biased or incompetent and he bailed. We sort of researched and mutually selected this guy so those arguments should be harder to pull off. As a thought, maybe you can get him to go first this time. As an after-thought, do both of you go to IC, as well? A good strategy with narcissists. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 As a thought, maybe you can get him to go first this time. As an after-thought, do both of you go to IC, as well? A good strategy with narcissists. LOL he thinks that *I* would benefit from IC but that he has no need for it! He is only going to MC to show his dedication, etc. I think trying to get him to air his complaints about me first is a good idea, though. Should be amusing when he has no complaints until I talk about him - then my flaws will FLY out of his mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Whether he wants to do IC or not, it might help you too. I just had a kick-arse session today with mine. It was very helpful. Don't forget to take care of yourself too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Whether he wants to do IC or not, it might help you too. I just had a kick-arse session today with mine. It was very helpful. Don't forget to take care of yourself too. Thanks TBF, as usual you have very helpful things to say. I am going to take care of myself right now and go to sleep as I have to be up again in 4 hours!! Thanks again... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Thanks TBF, as usual you have very helpful things to say. I am going to take care of myself right now and go to sleep as I have to be up again in 4 hours!! Thanks again... You're welcome. Good night and Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 ....choose a life of emotional servitude. Very telling. Listen to what you are saying. ...he says he believes in staying in a marriage just for the sake of honoring the commitment....I don't. But I do believe in giving it your all. Honey, you are right on. Staying for the noble "commitment" is only noble if those staying are actually trying. Staying because it's convenient and socially acceptable is dishonest and disrespectful to both of you. Not that I'm telling you anything you don't already know. My heart goes out to you. I hope (since you seem to want it to) that you can find a way through counseling to make it work. But please, don't beat yourself up with and about it if he's not willing to make a commitment to his "commitment." Link to post Share on other sites
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