Do I have any chance of getting a second chance?

[9supratt4]

So here's the story....On February 27, my girlfriend and I were at a formal banquet for an organization I belong to. The night was going well, but right before we left, she exploded with emotion and left the room, which left me wondering what just happened.

 

And yes, she was drinking. Then on the 28th of February I received a message from her that she couldn't see me or talk to me about her feelings yet, but later that night she sent me an email explaining that she feels that alot of things have changed between the two of us over the past 6 months or so and that I have been a real ass towards her.

 

Now keep in mind that we were together for 6 1/2 years. She went on to say that we both want different things in life and she no longer has the same feelings for me as she once had. She said she felt more like friends than anything more. So of course I didn't take this very lightly.

 

Over the next month we didn't really see each other except for maybe once a week, unlike how we used to see each other every night. We talked a couple times about everything that was going on. And on more than one occassion I asked her why she couldn't give me a chance to show her that I was just under alot of stress and I am still the same person.

 

I also asked her numerous times if there was someone else. I kept on trying to get more answers and tryed to get her to give me another chance then on March 23rd, I finally got some answers that I was looking for. She sent me another email explaining how she didn't want to tell me because she didn't know how to and she didn't want to make me more upset than I already was.

 

The email basically said the same things as before, but now she finally told me that she did in fat have feelings for someone else. This someone else was one of my very good friends.

 

Needless to say I got absolutely furious and upset. This friend of mine, if it wasn't for me, he would not be where he is today. Now I did ask her while we were still together if anything was going on between the two of them because it seemed like they were getting very close and she said no they were just very good friends. I asked her that a few times and I was okay with that answer. So after I confronted him he said that he also had feelings for her.

 

Then finally this past Tuesday I sat down and talked with her again and tried to find out why this was happening and why she could not allow me to prove to her that I was still the same person. She said at that point that if she did give me that chance what is to say that 4-5 years down the road the same thing doesn't happen again. My answer to her is that this has really opened my eyes abd I have now realized that I really screwed up.

 

I am completely distraught over loosing her. No matter what I do, including going to a gentelmen's club with a bunch of guys, she is always on my mind. I was in the process of looking at engagement rings and figured out how to ask her parents permission to allow me to marry her. I have realized that I have lost the one thing that meant the most to me in life and I would never treat her that way again. Right now I would give up everything just to have her back.

 

Do I have any chance of getting her back? Are there any ways I can convince her to give me another chance?

[CaliGuy]

Not a very good friend, is he?

 

You need to stop all contact with her and put 100% focus on you. If you know areas that you need to resolve, determine to change them for YOU and not for her.

 

Anyone has a possible second chance with anyone else. But the best way to go about making yourself attractive to an ex is to make yourself attractive to ANYONE ELSE! That means focusing on self-improvement (both mental and physical) and not worrying about what your ex is doing or who she is with.

 

The odds are good that she may never come back. If you live your life that way it will force you to refocus your priorities in the right areas of your life (improvement, friends, career, hobbies, etc). Dont' chase her because that will simply push her away further.

 

If you stick with NC and make the improvements, maybe one day she will reach out to. In the meantime, if you are improved someone else may come along who is much, much better for you.

 

Don't hold out hope for her to come back. Instead accept things for the way they are now and live life as if she never is coming back. That's a win/win situation for you.

[9supratt4]

You make it sound so easy!! I have tried to do things for myself and move on with my life, but it is close to impossible. I am still very much in love with her and I just can't allow myself to loose her to him.

 

Like I said, if it wasn't for me he would be nowhere. When I first met him he had no friends, a horrible family life, and a dead-end job. I took him in and so did my family. My friends became his friends, my family became his family. I blame the two of them getting so close on myself. If I hadn't allowed him in she would have never known who he was.

 

Everything I do she is on my mind. I have sat down and tried to realize that I must move on, but how can I when she still contacts me and says she wants to be friends and that she doesn't want to loose me completely after 6 1/2 years. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to completely cut all ties with her and ignore her? It's to hard for me to do that.

[Ormolu611]

 

Like I said, if it wasn't for me he would be nowhere. When I first met him he had no friends, a horrible family life, and a dead-end job. I took him in and so did my family. My friends became his friends, my family became his family. I blame the two of them getting so close on myself. If I hadn't allowed him in she would have never known who he was.

 

 

That is just silly to blame yourself for this. If you had not allowed him in perhaps she would have been attracted to someone else? I mean, who is to say?

 

I agree with Cali Guy on this one. Cut all ties if possible. The fact that she wants to be friends means that she wants it all! She either wants to be friends out of guilt (bad) or she wants to be friends out of her own selfishness (bad). I think that you would probably be better suited moving on and trying to put her behind you. I know its hard, trust me, but probably the single best option for you. Good luck.

[CaliGuy]

You make it sound so easy!! I have tried to do things for myself and move on with my life, but it is close to impossible. I am still very much in love with her and I just can't allow myself to loose her to him.

 

Then your emotions are in control of you, not you in control of your emotions. You are a slave to them and will be until you decide to respect yourself.

 

Like I said, if it wasn't for me he would be nowhere.

 

Not entirely true. You may have helped him along but he did his part too.

 

When I first met him he had no friends, a horrible family life, and a dead-end job. I took him in and so did my family. My friends became his friends, my family became his family. I blame the two of them getting so close on myself. If I hadn't allowed him in she would have never known who he was.

 

You are not in control of him. You are only in control of yourself. Let go of the things you can not control because they waste emotional energy. Energy better spent on things you CAN control.

 

Such as yourself, your emotions and your healing process.

 

Everything I do she is on my mind.

 

Have three things handy in mind that you like to do. When you find yourself thinking of her, switch your thoughts to those pleasant things you like to do. After a while it will become habit.

 

I have sat down and tried to realize that I must move on, but how can I when she still contacts me and says she wants to be friends

 

Cut her off. Cut off all communication. You can not be friends with someone you are still in love with. All it will do is beat you down and delay your healing, maybe forever. She wants you to be her friend to RELIEVE HER GUILT and to have you on the side in case things go sour with him. Do you really want to beg for scraps of her attention or find someone completely dedicated to you? The choice is yours, but the longer you maintain contact the longer it will take to heal (and the less she will respect you).

 

and that she doesn't want to loose me completely after 6 1/2 years.

 

That was the risk she took by breaking things off. You reap what you sow.

 

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to completely cut all ties with her and ignore her? It's to hard for me to do that.

 

Yes that's exactly what you must do and it won't be hard when you start respecting yourself and understand that staying in contact with her is a win/lose situation.

 

She wins, you lose.

[AriaIncognito]

If I hadn't allowed him in she would have never known who he was.

 

So basically what you're saying is, you're OK with the fact that she has fallen out of love with you and that it's not her fault, it's your own because you happened to introduce them?

 

No.

 

Fact of the matter here is, for whatever reason, she no longer wants to be in the relationship with you. Do you really want someone that looked at you and said "eh, i can do better"? Do you really want someone that wouldn't fight to keep you around?

 

I don't think this is what you want. You just think it's the best you can do.

 

Go NC with this girl and allow yourself to heal. Me, I'm on day 6 of NC with my ex, and to be honest, it is the only way to begin fully healing.

 

Good luck to you.