any answers to these questions

[whichwayisup]

and he starts making promises without keeping them, the choice starts going out the window.

 

No, it doesn't. If his promises are not coming true for the OW, it is STILL up to her to make a choice. The OW isn't married to MM, she has NO real obligation to him. Yes, feelings cloud the judgement, but staying with a MM who keeps telling you "I'm leaving, I promise..." and doesn't, you DO have the choice on how long YOU are willing to put up with it.

[bigblueeyes]

The OW, by choice, is partially responsible for the BW's pain by sleeping with her husband...

 

If you read some of the threads here, you will see many MM lie about being married, so how can it be the OW's fault??

[whichwayisup]

Under those circumstances yes, I agree with you, but only if the OW ends it and walks away...Unfortunately though, some OW who find out the MM is infact married, end up staying put and having an affair with him, which makes them an OW knowingly.

[Tomcat33]

WOW what a thread! Great questions BlueeyedGirl.

 

I have to agree with the ladies who are saying that the BW never had the choice it's not remotely the same. The OW lies or no lies knew what she was getting into, that we chose to beleive the lies (that could very well have seemed like the truth at the time) and proceed anyway is still no excuse. I really don't think we can compare the two, the OW and the BS.

 

But I do question why the BS chooses to believe he won't lie to her again. In the OW's case we see the lies but we know they lied to be with us, in the BS case he lied not caring about destroying what he had in the marriage. Again, I don't believe a cheater is always a cheater. And there are cases where the two that met under these circumstance can form a solid relationship but how do you rebuild trust after you have been lied to to be with another person? After the person you are with falls in love with someone else? That I don't understand.

 

I especially like this question:

 

2) Why do so many married women act like their life is over when they face the prospect of divorce??

 

Especially when there are no childrend involved, when the marriage/relationship had drifted apart and they let it happen for extended periods of time?

 

How do you change to give your partner what they say they never had?

Affairs are more often than not based on emotional needs not being met.

One time flings are maybe purely sexual, but full on affairs are a lot deeper than that.

 

The tremendous amout of work it takes to get that trust back, is it all worth it?

[whichwayisup]

2) Why do so many married women act like their life is over when they face the prospect of divorce??

 

Because as people get older and more settled, it's harder to change and start over. Even if there is no cheating involved, many couples stay together because it's companionship. Especially if a couple has been together for a long time, alot is invested, not just emotionally, but a whole life built together.

 

I look at my grandparents, they HATED eachother. But, they were so used to eachother...No way would either of them up and leave at 70 or 80 years old. But, back then marriage vows and committment, sticking through the awful times were different than it is now.

[Tomcat33]

Clearly when a couple has been together for 20 yrs the choice seems devestating. Perhaps the question should be rephrased then:

 

Why do so many young women, under 50, 40, with no children act like their life is over with the possibility of divorce?

[bigblueeyes]

I am not comparing the two situations. However, I will still stick to my guns and say that both the BW and the OW are casualities of MM's lies and cheating.

[torranceshipman]

Excellent post BigBlueEyes, I totally agree with you!

[whichwayisup]

I am not comparing the two situations. However, I will still stick to my guns and say that both the BW and the OW are casualities of MM's lies and cheating.

 

But still, one (ow) put themselves in that situation (the affair) and the other one (wife) didn't. The OW is responsible for her part in the affair, her hands are not clean.

[woe_is_me]

Not forgetting whose hands were the dirtiest and mostly responsible for the affair, Whichway .. the MM

 

I know my xmm gave leaving his M a lot of thought, but he said he'd been doing that long before we got involved.. (or is that another MM line)

 

I often wonder how our own parents' marriages and relationships shaped the views and expectations of our own...

 

Like you said earlier whichway... its all too easy to end marriages these days.

[bigblueeyes]

But still, one (ow) put themselves in that situation (the affair) and the other one (wife) didn't. The OW is responsible for her part in the affair, her hands are not clean.

 

No, her hands and my hands are not clean, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. It also means that I do feel responsible for the pain being inflicted on my MM's BW.

 

BUT YOU ARE ALL MISSING THE POINT!!!! THIS IS ABOUT PLACING THE BLAME/RESPONSIBILITY WHERE IT BELONGS THE MOST - WITH MM!!!!!

 

In all these posts about the evil BW, who doesn't want to let her hubby go, or the slutty OW, who couldn't wait sinking her claws into MM

we are letting MM off the hook.

 

Hand on heart, how many of us here - and I mean both OW/BW - have not found ourselves defending MM?? Saying the poor thing is struggling so hard with his fears, regrets, finding happiness, blah, blah, blah???

 

And how many of us have heard MM talking about how sorry he feels (MAINLY FOR HIMSELF), while still carrying on hurting both BW/OW???

 

MM HAS NO REASON TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIMSELF APART FROM BEING SUCH A SAD, LYING, CHEATING *£@**%%%*^&*&*&*&&@&$(E%^T&E*^

 

Angry?? Moi???

[whichwayisup]

And all I am saying is, the OW HAS to be accountable and responsible for her part in the affair. She can't just blame the MM 100%. It takes TWO. One to cheat the spouse, and an outside partner to make an affair..

 

It is always about the MM (or MW), selfishly.

 

No, her hands and my hands are not clean

 

How are her hands not clean? Because she wants to fight for husband and their marriage? I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying there.

[Cliche]

And all I am saying is, the OW HAS to be accountable and responsible for her part in the affair. She can't just blame the MM 100%. It takes TWO. One to cheat the spouse, and an outside partner to make an affair..

 

It is always about the MM (or MW), selfishly.

 

 

 

How are her hands not clean? Because she wants to fight for husband and their marriage? I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying there.

 

Some of OWs are led to believe that there is no marriage left to fight for or that the Ws have absolutely no desire to fight for it. So yeah, we're willing to wait it out. We're not competing with the W, in some of our minds, we're just waiting for the "right time." I'm not trying absolve OWs of anything. I mentioned on another thread that I do feel guilty. But I'm with blue eyes. There is only one person to blame in these situations, and that is the husband. It's all him causing this situation.

[bigblueeyes]

Her was referring to the OW, sorry for the confusion.

 

I am not trying to take away responsibility for the OW. But if you take a look around these threads, you will find a lot of OW, who have gotten pregnant, had the child or an abortion, waited for years because of the lies and promises they were told, and at the end of the day have had their lives put on hold/ruined by a MM.

 

Likewise, you can read about BWs who have forgiven hubby, tried to trust him again, tried to change to please him, only to have go out and do it all over again.

 

What do all these scenarios have in common, I ask??? MM!!!!!!!

 

IN THE BLAME GAME, HE IS THE ONE WE ALL SHOULD BE POINTING OUR FINGER AT INSTEAD OF EACH OTHER.

 

And let me just add this, as innocent as some MM may be, they do not just trip and accidently slip their **** into the OW over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over AGAIN!!!!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

But if you want your relationship to be real and honest, why not just tell him, "I cannot be with you while you're still married legally...When it ends completely THEN I will date you and we'll go from there." See, you still have a choice to stay, even IF he is telling you his marriage is crap.

 

I disagree, it isn't just the MM, the OW is part of it. Why is she giving him ALL the power? If you aren't happy and you're sick of getting the short end of the stick when he tells you I'M LEAVING MY WIFE - and he doesn't, then he tells you again, I'M LEAVING MY WIFE - And he doesn't...Why not just end it and tell him CALL ME AND SHOW ME PROOF WHEN IT'S OVER cuz I don't want to be the OW anymore. By staying and putting up with it, you're settling to be second best and be table scraps. OW enable MM's behaviour by staying and hoping that 'one day' he'll leave.

 

I know it's not so black and white, there's alot of gray in there...

 

The MM is the big winner as he has two women in his life feeding his ego and all his needs...Once again, the difference though is, one is willing as she is married to him and other is the OW, who is willing, because she believes his lies and stays. Even though his actions show otherwise.

 

There will always be dicussions about OW and BW - Most of the OW/Bs's on here know eachother well enough now and have formed some sort of truce. It's just the newer members who come on and gloat that piss people off, like that new member justbecause. What was the point of her thread? To gloat and look for approval so she can justify her actions...

 

I hope all of you gain the strength to leave and cut out MM out of your lives.

[Cliche]

I haven't been here very long, Whichwayisup, but most of the OWs do leave eventually, don't they? Or am I wrong? I see a lot of former OWs here and only a couple of still ins (and they seem to be struggling with the leaving thing mightily).

 

As far as your comment about not getting involved until the papers are signed, I'd agree with you 100% now. But that is after some experience and mostly to protect myself. When you trust someone who says it is really over, I guess just waiting for that final judgment doesn't seem such a big deal. Maybe we're, well, I'm naive, but feeling like I felt my soulmate, it didn't seem like waiting for the formalities was really a big issue...until, of course, I was played. I based this on my personal worldview, as most of us do. When exH and I were separated, he dated and I met his girlfriends and I didn't care one bit. We were just waiting for the court system. That's where I was coming from. Now, unfortunately, I know better.

 

Hey, btw, you're very kind. Based on your posts, though, are you a BW? Do you mind me asking your story...did your marriage survive? I'd go back and look it up, but you have 19,000 posts.

[bigblueeyes]

But if you want your relationship to be real and honest, why not just tell him, "I cannot be with you while you're still married legally...When it ends completely THEN I will date you and we'll go from there." See, you still have a choice to stay, even IF he is telling you his marriage is crap.

 

That's just what I did, and guess who keeps getting back in touch.

 

Hint: It is not me

 

Whichway, just to be clear. You are absolutely right in everything you have posted. And I do think we agree. I am just a bit angry these days, so please bear with me. It's a phase and I will get over it

[smartgirl]

Lot's of good questions and answers. I do think there is a difference between a person who makes a mistake, acknowledges all the ugly behavior and tries to atone versus someone who is a regular liar or cheater. I do read posts from BWs whose husbands are clearly regulars and I don't understand why they keep giving them chances. Once is one thing, over and over is another.

 

I almost fell into an A years ago, so I do understand how they can begin when you aren't looking for it. That is why I am sympathetic to the idea that people will stumble into these things. It is what they ultimately do to fix the problem that becomes so important. In my case, I thought my husband was ignoring me and not giving me the attention I deserved. Truth is, he was the same as he always was but at the moment I felt I needed something more.

 

I think all this applies to the OW as well. You find yourself in a situation you weren't looking for and then have trouble figuring out which direction to go. But when it gets to the point that you are suffering and unhappy, it seems like you should end it. Same for a BW who has a serial cheater and liar for a H. In either case - a woman deserves more.

 

While everyone's situations are different, we all have to make judgement calls about another person's intentions and try and figure out what is in our own best interests or those of our children. Hard to know sometimes what to do.

 

To TomCat - Your post was really something. I hope you are doing alright and are on your way to a better life. I admire you for taking care of yourself the way you did and I hope you find someone that will deserve you. Like I said, we all make mistakes and sometimes get in over our head. I'm glad you got yourself out.

[smartgirl]

Interesting questions being raised about the motivations of people in an A and whether they are "evil" or "bad."

 

I personally don't think the people are bad. Well, most of them anyway. I have heard some stories on these threads about some major scum suckers. But I think most of the people are just people - with all of the weaknesses that we carry around with us. The weaknesses that make us want to be wanted so badly that we betray ourselves as much as the people we love just to have that feeling. The weaknesses that cause us to lie to ourselves as we try to justify what we are doing.

 

Several posters have said that they only saw things clearly well after the A was over. It was that way for my H. I still can't believe I thought a man who was paying me a lot of attention once was just fantastic when he was anything but. Someone described it as temporary madness. When my H described how he was feeling and what he was thinking, that was exactly the way I described it too. There are biological reasons for all this, but I won't bore everyone with it.

 

All this being said, a lot of basically nice people do some pretty awful things when involved in an A. Things most of us wouldn't want people we like to know we are doing. The MP is absolutely the main person at fault, whether the OP was coming on to them like crazy or not. But I agree with the posters who say to the OP, "don't kid yourself, what you are doing is helping to hurt someone and perpetuate something you know damn well is wrong." My Hs OW still insists she did nothing wrong (she is married to a man that adores her). She says it is alright when it is for love. Love (or more possibly desire) doesn't justify taking actions that hurt innocent people. That is a perversion of one of the great emotions that we have.

[rdnkgrl31]

Okay, I will try and answer the questions u have posted:

 

1) I don't feel that he married someone he was totally in love with. He got married b/c he felt that it was time to settle down, and she seemed like the right choice at the time. I have heard him tell her multiple times that he is not happy in their marriage and that they should've just stayed friends.

 

2)My MM has never promised me or told me that he was going to leave. And I never asked.

 

3)He is definetly "managing" both. And he did leave w/in the first 3 months, but the truth is he ended up going back. I feel, it's b/c it's the easy thing to do.

 

4)At the beginning it was fulfilling enough - now not so fulfilling.

 

5)I know everything about mine, his personality, bad habits and traits. The thing is, he is and can be hisself 100%, that's what started this thing.

 

6)No- our relationship, while yes we do have great sex, it's mostly talking about our lives. It's a very emotional thing between the two of us. If it wasn't, it would be so much easier to walk away. Sex is sex, you can get that anywhere. When you find someone that you connect with on EVERY level, and u have never had that before, it is very hard to walk away from.

 

7)Nope- I am just utterly and totally in love with this man.

 

I tried to answer your questions the best that I could.

[HappyAtLast]

1) When the mm lies to a woman he loved enough to marry and probably have children with and still choses to live with, why do you think he isn't lying to you? What makes you believe that you are the only one being told the truth?

 

I never lied to my OW. I told her the truth, always, because I was unwilling to jeopardize my future with her in any way.

 

 

2) If the mm says he will leave his wife at a point in time that is years away or otherwise undefined, why would you agree to wait that long to be able have a normal relationship? Doesn't it seem more likely that he is "managing" the two relationships so he can continue in both? (Statistically, if a mm is going to leave he does so within the first three months. After that time, the percentage of men who leave their spouses drops to below 1%.)

 

I never asked my OW to wait for me. However I did make it my business to get my divorce filed as soon as possible (as you mentioned above).

 

3) The mm is selfishly pursuing his own desires at the expense of an innocent spouse and maybe children. He expects you to sit around and see him when it fits with his schedule. Why would you want to be with someone so self-centered and who puts you last in his priorities? If he wasn't married and you were dating, would you be ok with him calling all the shots on what you do and when you do it?

 

OK, while I in no way blame my XW for me falling in love with another woman while still married, let's not kid ourselves here. The spouse is not always innocent, no?

 

Also, my OW was always my first priority (son was almost grown when I met my OW)

 

 

4) Is the little bit of time you spend with the mm really so fulfilling that you are willing to put up with all the other crap? I know the sex is probably hot and the proclaimations of love make you feel great, but is that really enough? Doesn't the whole thing really make you feel more sad than happy?

 

Having been the said MM in this situation, I would love to say that the time she spent with me was so fulfilling that she was willing to put up with anything, LOL. However my OW was never one to put up with crap from anyone.

 

5) How much do you really know about this guy? Inside the bubble you share with him, how much do you know first hand about his character and behavior? In fact, wouldn't the kind of things he's doing with you tend to make you think his character was weak and flawed?

 

My OW and I worked together, so we knew each other in situations that most people will never experience. We knew more than most about each other's character and dedication. Had I not left my XW, my OW would have had nothing to do with me, I am sure.

 

6) Do you think that if he left his wife and married you, he would treat you with the same amount of emotion and desire that he does now? Isn't it more likely that he would shift into comfortable mode and begin treating you just like he does his wife? (Odds are that is what will happen and that is why over 75% of marriages between former affair partners fail) Does that look like the kind of relationship you want to have?

 

My OW and I have been married for many years now. We still treat each other with more emotion and desire with each passing year. My current marriage is not in the least like my first. You cannot compare apples and oranges... all marriages are different.

 

 

I hear a lot of hope and wishing and longing in these threads, but I don't hear many people who are actually happy with the life they are living. It is like their lives are on hold in a way, waiting for another person to take some ugly, painful action and then maybe, just maybe they can be happy. This seems so sad to me.

 

I agree with many of the things you have said. When I fell in love with my OW all of those years ago I was not willing to let her go. I would have moved heaven and earth to be with her. I was not willing to disrespect her by allowing her to be my secret. And, knowing her as I did, I knew without the shadow of a doubt that she would never have put up with it.

 

So - for whatever it is worth, my perspective.

[smile95]

smartgirl-where was this post 5 yrs ago. It would have helped me a ton. Good job! was not nasty at all. I agree!

[Virgo1982]

1) When the mm lies to a woman he loved enough to marry and probably have children with and still choses to live with, why do you think he isn't lying to you? What makes you believe that you are the only one being told the truth?

 

I never lied to my OW. I told her the truth, always, because I was unwilling to jeopardize my future with her in any way.

 

 

2) If the mm says he will leave his wife at a point in time that is years away or otherwise undefined, why would you agree to wait that long to be able have a normal relationship? Doesn't it seem more likely that he is "managing" the two relationships so he can continue in both? (Statistically, if a mm is going to leave he does so within the first three months. After that time, the percentage of men who leave their spouses drops to below 1%.)

 

I never asked my OW to wait for me. However I did make it my business to get my divorce filed as soon as possible (as you mentioned above).

 

3) The mm is selfishly pursuing his own desires at the expense of an innocent spouse and maybe children. He expects you to sit around and see him when it fits with his schedule. Why would you want to be with someone so self-centered and who puts you last in his priorities? If he wasn't married and you were dating, would you be ok with him calling all the shots on what you do and when you do it?

 

OK, while I in no way blame my XW for me falling in love with another woman while still married, let's not kid ourselves here. The spouse is not always innocent, no?

 

Also, my OW was always my first priority (son was almost grown when I met my OW)

 

 

4) Is the little bit of time you spend with the mm really so fulfilling that you are willing to put up with all the other crap? I know the sex is probably hot and the proclaimations of love make you feel great, but is that really enough? Doesn't the whole thing really make you feel more sad than happy?

 

Having been the said MM in this situation, I would love to say that the time she spent with me was so fulfilling that she was willing to put up with anything, LOL. However my OW was never one to put up with crap from anyone.

 

5) How much do you really know about this guy? Inside the bubble you share with him, how much do you know first hand about his character and behavior? In fact, wouldn't the kind of things he's doing with you tend to make you think his character was weak and flawed?

 

My OW and I worked together, so we knew each other in situations that most people will never experience. We knew more than most about each other's character and dedication. Had I not left my XW, my OW would have had nothing to do with me, I am sure.

 

6) Do you think that if he left his wife and married you, he would treat you with the same amount of emotion and desire that he does now? Isn't it more likely that he would shift into comfortable mode and begin treating you just like he does his wife? (Odds are that is what will happen and that is why over 75% of marriages between former affair partners fail) Does that look like the kind of relationship you want to have?

 

My OW and I have been married for many years now. We still treat each other with more emotion and desire with each passing year. My current marriage is not in the least like my first. You cannot compare apples and oranges... all marriages are different.

 

 

I hear a lot of hope and wishing and longing in these threads, but I don't hear many people who are actually happy with the life they are living. It is like their lives are on hold in a way, waiting for another person to take some ugly, painful action and then maybe, just maybe they can be happy. This seems so sad to me.

 

I agree with many of the things you have said. When I fell in love with my OW all of those years ago I was not willing to let her go. I would have moved heaven and earth to be with her. I was not willing to disrespect her by allowing her to be my secret. And, knowing her as I did, I knew without the shadow of a doubt that she would never have put up with it.

 

So - for whatever it is worth, my perspective.

 

Brilliantly done! I am not saying that it's right, but just because two people are married, it doesn't mean they need to stay married and the mm is a manipulative, selfish, prick. Thank you for giving another perspective. It seems the only ones here allowed to speak for mm are bs. Some bs are objective, but some are bitter and very close-minded. Thank you for your input.

[GreenEyedLady]

1) When the mm lies to a woman he loved enough to marry and probably have children with and still choses to live with, why do you think he isn't lying to you? What makes you believe that you are the only one being told the truth?

 

I was one of the ones who was lied to, so believe me, I already know he is capable of lying to me...

 

2) If the mm says he will leave his wife at a point in time that is years away or otherwise undefined, why would you agree to wait that long to be able have a normal relationship? Doesn't it seem more likely that he is "managing" the two relationships so he can continue in both? (Statistically, if a mm is going to leave he does so within the first three months. After that time, the percentage of men who leave their spouses drops to below 1%.)

 

For people who are married, you would think that it's insane to wait for someone...but that's easy for you to say, because you're WITH someone...if you had any idea how hard it is to find someone that you click with on all levels, you'd understand why someone would wait for "The One"...remember how you felt about your H, wouldn't YOU wait for him? (under other circumstances of course)...

 

3) The mm is selfishly pursuing his own desires at the expense of an innocent spouse and maybe children. He expects you to sit around and see him when it fits with his schedule. Why would you want to be with someone so self-centered and who puts you last in his priorities? If he wasn't married and you were dating, would you be ok with him calling all the shots on what you do and when you do it?

 

 

Sorry, you haven't been dating in a couple of decades, single guys ARE like that...(and I am generalizing here, but so many of them are like that)...

 

4) Is the little bit of time you spend with the mm really so fulfilling that you are willing to put up with all the other crap? I know the sex is probably hot and the proclaimations of love make you feel great, but is that really enough? Doesn't the whole thing really make you feel more sad than happy?

 

Not every A is the same...some A's allow for a great deal of time for the partners to see each other...it's not all about a stolen moment here or there...

 

And it's not enough if you really love each other and then the heartache really begins...

 

5) How much do you really know about this guy? Inside the bubble you share with him, how much do you know first hand about his character and behavior? In fact, wouldn't the kind of things he's doing with you tend to make you think his character was weak and flawed?

 

This is true of anybody that you just meet and begin dating...and no one's perfect, right? We all make mistakes...

 

6) Do you think that if he left his wife and married you, he would treat you with the same amount of emotion and desire that he does now? Isn't it more likely that he would shift into comfortable mode and begin treating you just like he does his wife? (Odds are that is what will happen and that is why over 75% of marriages between former affair partners fail) Does that look like the kind of relationship you want to have?

 

I think that it depends on how much the two parties want to make the R work and the circumstances leading to the A...

 

7) Are you really happy or are you just hooked? I hear a lot of hope and wishing and longing in these threads, but I don't hear many people who are actually happy with the life they are living. It is like their lives are on hold in a way, waiting for another person to take some ugly, painful action and then maybe, just maybe they can be happy. This seems so sad to me.

 

I was extremely happy half the time and extremely sad the other half...I was in love and I wanted the man that I loved to be with only me...

 

I hope that I answered your questions...I don't mean them disrespectfully, and I hope that it helps you understand a little better...but really, these are just my feelings and therefore, are only true of me and may not be true of others...

[Guest]

First of all, I'm sorry that you are hurting. I would never wish such a thing on anyone.

 

1) When the mm lies to a woman he loved enough to marry and probably have children with and still choses to live with, why do you think he isn't lying to you? What makes you believe that you are the only one being told the truth?

 

My answer: MM lied once or twice because he was painted into a corner rather suddenly and panicked. Knee-jerk reaction. Later, once he had time to think a little, he came clean.

 

2) If the mm says he will leave his wife at a point in time that is years away or otherwise undefined, why would you agree to wait that long to be able have a normal relationship? Doesn't it seem more likely that he is "managing" the two relationships so he can continue in both? (Statistically, if a mm is going to leave he does so within the first three months. After that time, the percentage of men who leave their spouses drops to below 1%.)

 

My answer: Each case is different. In my case, I didn't want him to leave/hurt his wife. (Now ex-wife) I wanted to be friends only. In the very beginning he said something about "let's see where we are a year from now and maybe I'll leave my wife". I said "that's fine because we are just friends and shall remain so." I didn't mind just being his friend. It's all I ever expected from us. However, within 6 months of meeting him, he had left his wife and she had filed for divorce.

 

3) The mm is selfishly pursuing his own desires at the expense of an innocent spouse and maybe children. He expects you to sit around and see him when it fits with his schedule. Why would you want to be with someone so self-centered and who puts you last in his priorities? If he wasn't married and you were dating, would you be ok with him calling all the shots on what you do and when you do it?

 

My answer: See him when it fits his schedule? Maybe, but that's the way it is with all my friends. We see what works with our schedules -- not just his, mine too. He did not put me last in his priorities. The common interests we shared cemented our relationship and he would have never quit that (not me, his passions/interest), even if it came to divorce. It's what he told his wife as well.

 

4) Is the little bit of time you spend with the mm really so fulfilling that you are willing to put up with all the other crap? I know the sex is probably hot and the proclaimations of love make you feel great, but is that really enough? Doesn't the whole thing really make you feel more sad than happy?

 

My answer: I probably spent more time with him than any other close friend so I never saw it as "a small bit of time." We got to know each other well. It was fulfilling but there was no sex involved until after he and his wife split. (Rules laid down by both of us.)

 

5) How much do you really know about this guy? Inside the bubble you share with him, how much do you know first hand about his character and behavior? In fact, wouldn't the kind of things he's doing with you tend to make you think his character was weak and flawed?

 

My answer: This is a good question. Maybe he is flawed, and maybe I'm flawed, but aren't most people flawed? Who said it "To err is human"?

 

6) Do you think that if he left his wife and married you, he would treat you with the same amount of emotion and desire that he does now? Isn't it more likely that he would shift into comfortable mode and begin treating you just like he does his wife? (Odds are that is what will happen and that is why over 75% of marriages between former affair partners fail) Does that look like the kind of relationship you want to have?

 

My answer: Well, it's been almost two years since we met. Yes, things are different now but there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't thank the fates for putting us in the same place. We share unusual passions and have common interests that are quite difficult to find in a mate. He regrets that he hurt his wife's feelings very much. I also am sorry that her feelings got hurt. I don't want people to hurt. But I'm not sorry we met. Will it last? No one knows that. We can only do the best we can and try, just as in any relationship.

 

7) Are you really happy or are you just hooked? I hear a lot of hope and wishing and longing in these threads, but I don't hear many people who are actually happy with the life they are living. It is like their lives are on hold in a way, waiting for another person to take some ugly, painful action and then maybe, just maybe they can be happy. This seems so sad to me.

 

My answer: I am happier than I've ever been in my life. I would never put up with a "life on hold". I make my own decisions, the best I know how to do. I told MM that if he made a decicion to leave his wife, he should do so for himself with no promise from me. Whether he actually did so or whether he assumed I would be there for him -- I cannot say.

 

 

I hope this helps.