Sacrifice or Happiness?

[Manfred]

I have been in a blah and lifeless marriage for 23 and a half years. We've had 3 MARVELOUS children....smart and successful. the youngest, which is the only one at home is now 13. If there were ever any bright spots along the way, it revolved around one or another of the children. I've thought a lot about the post "children at home" years for some time now, fearing what will become of us.

I am not happy. She is not happy. I know that I am not happy. I am not sure if she knows whether she's happy or not. I suspect that she knows that she is not, but is afraid to bring it up....because that would add reality to the truth.

I thought for some time, that it was my responsibility to see this through until death, because that is the committment I made. We were married young. I was 22 and she was 21. As cliche' as it sounds, I DO lover her, but am not "in love" with her. I don't think I ever was. It was a relationship brought on purely by physical attraction. A physical attraction that resulted in both of us contracting Herpes.

I inadvertantly gave it to her on one of our very first dates. I believe it has played a huge role in why we never even considered seperating.......never even discussed it. Even though we don't talk about it, I'm sure she feels trapped in the relationship as I did for all these years.

 

Well, I have recently met someone. A woman who started out as my friend, and eventually became interested in pursuing something more. Well, we have now fallen in love. And I mean TRUE love. This is how I know that I wasn't in love before........because it is truly something I have never experienced. I can't imagine NOT spending the rest of my life with this woman.

And of course, yes, I have explained the Herpes to her very early on in our relationship, and she has accepted me with open arms regardless.

 

This other woman has recently lost her husband to cancer...just over a year and a half ago. She has been through a great ordeal. She is kind caring and compassioinate and makes me feel like I am really a person that matters, rather than just someone that mows the lawn and brings home a paycheck.

 

We still have not made love. Out of respect for my wife, until I talk to her about our future and tell her about this other woman, something inside my head tells me to wait. My new love is okay with that decision, and is not pressuring me in any way. No ultimatum, no timeline, just love and patience.

 

I know that there is a storm brewing on the horizon, and even though my new love is there for support, I can't help but feel that I am about to destroy many lives by unveiling all of this. I am having a very hard time bringing myself to do this.

 

Sacrifice or Happiness?

[quankanne]

the big question here is, are you willing to put serious effort into making your marriage work before announcing you want a divorce, or are you past that stage? Your wife may feel like there's nothing honestly wrong with the marriage and may want to try to work it out, and that's an issue you need to settle before taking that final step.

[quiet1one1]

I am a man fighting for my M after 23 years too except there is nobody else (that I know of). We were married young as well and are going through the same "is that all there is" stuff. The question posted before was a good starter; are you willing to see if your M can be repaired (is this REALLY all there is?) or are you already out? Me, I feel an overwhelming sense of loyalty to my W and our marriage. I made a vow and I will work to keep it until I know it's 100% over.

 

You are going to hurt many people - there's no way around it. Get some time away...alone (not with OW) and soul search, speak to god, or whatever does it for you then move ahead with whatever you decide. IMHO it'll only get more rotten if you wait.

[umbo]

So you got herpes huh? That doesn't make you a bad person.

 

You will continue to live another 23 years with your wife because you made a vow till death do you part. Your marriage can be the best marriage of your family you just need Light her fire by doctor ellen. look it up online. Be a man of your word and love your wife. Find ways to love your wife!!!!!!

[Herzen]

You're at the crossroads. The fact that you've posted here tells me that your marriage--as a meaningful emotional, erotic attachment--is all but over. One more middle aged guy standing on the roof and wondering whether he should jump.

 

My advice: Jump.

 

You overstate the consequences of your decision to physically leave your marriage (you've already left emotionally). That's unsurprising given the major life decisions before you.

 

If you separate in a way that minimizes harm to the children, and your kids (especially the 13-year old) remain a significant part of your life), no one will be destroyed. Deeply affected, yes. Destroyed, no. Kids adjust over time especially when they see that while dad has stopped being mom's husband, he has not stopped being their dad.

 

As for your new love, please be sure that this is not simply a transitional relationship: Your unconscious pretextual reason to exit a dead marriage. You're in turmoil now, and will remain so for quite a while. Once you adjust to separation you might not wish to be encumbered with another relationship. Even with herpes, you might want to date around.

 

At the end, after separating, you'll most likely find that the costs/harm was not as great as you anticipated and the benefits not as great. After the dust settles and the guilt lessens--in 2-3 years--you'll probably find that you are, on balance, more satisfied and happier separated than living in a pretend marriage:a marriage running on fumes.

 

There's no absolute right or wrong answer. Just do everything in your power to minimize the harm and distress that your separation will cause loved ones.

 

Sometimes, that's all we can do.

[PWSX3]

I have said this many times but for me it was an eye opener. When my W moved out my friend asked me one question; Have "I" done everything "I" could do in our marriage??

 

So my question to you is; have "YOU" done everything "YOU" can do for your marriage???

 

If you can say; yes I've read books to help educate myself about marriage, yes I have gone to IC to make sure I am O.K. with myself, etc. then it might be best that you move on.

 

For me I have learned SO MUCH in the last six months that I had no clue about, yes we also got married at a young age & how did I learn about marriage back then? You are in "LOVE" so you think you have it all figured out, that "LOVE" part only lasts for so long then you are just winging it after that because for me I wasn't taught, no one told me what it was like having to share with someone else.

 

I feel if you posted here you are still not sure, maybe you do want the marriage to work but like me you aren't sure what to do or how it should be done.

I have also been in your shoes as far as 17 years ago I had an affair & sure you think it's all that and more at first, but that gets old as well & you will start having troubles with that relationship and then you are right back in the same boat just with someone else.

 

Just like someone else said; there is no easy answer and the only person you can answer to is yourself. Have you given your marriage 100% or are you just taking the easy road out????

 

I wish you the best, its a very hard choice, but like I said make sure you have done everything you can do to save the marriage. At least then you can leave saying; I did what I could and it just didn't work.

[Curmudgeon]

I agree wholeheartedly! If you leave no stone unturned in the attempt to save your marriage and it still doesn't work out the you can forever after look yourself in the face in the mirror and honestly say, "No regrets!"

 

The love and romance in a marriage take constant tending and a lot of work to keep alive. Try romancing your wife daily in small ways -- leave her notes, bring her a flower, offer to do the cooking, surprise her with a babysitter all arranged and a nice dinner out, start having regularly scheduled date nights, etc. You might be surprised that the exciting part of love starts flowing back.

 

Suggest marriage counseling to improve communications and let both of you look at your marriage through fresh eyes. Do whatever it takes to give it the old college try. If it still remains flat then you can consider leaving, but not for another woman. That is NOT sticking to the high road. You only leave for yourself.

[Ladyjane14]

If you read here long enough, you'll see your first post as a formulaic version of a wayward spouse's rationalization on why cheating and leaving should be the thing to do.

 

These letters are soooo very similar to one another. It's like there's some sort of handbook out there somewhere and folks just fill in the blanks in order to personalize it. It always starts out with a rewrite of the marital history reflecting a persistent state of unhappiness and a lack of "in love" feelings for the betrayed spouse. This is followed up with WHY the marriage was a mistake to begin with, and HOW the WS felt pressured at the time into making this HUGE ERROR in judgment. Then we get down to brass tacks, "I met someone and...". Then it's concluded with a laundry list of what's at risk in pursuing that outside relationship.

 

Now, it might be true that in 23 years you've been perpetually "unhappy". Heck, I don't know you. I can't say. But don't you think you owe it to yourself and to your family to MAKE 100% CERTAIN that you're just not "fogged out" by the feelings your affair with this OW have wrought?

 

If you were married at age 22 and you've been married for 23 years... you're 45.... a prime candidate for midlife crisis. Having watched my own husband go through it, I'm convinced that men are susceptible to physiological changes within the body during this time in their lives. This is often marked by undiagnosed depression as the chemical balance of the body's hormones undergo change.

 

I don't think cliches exist in a vacuum. The little red sports car, the extramarital fling, the urge to finally take up skydiving or mountain climbing... these are all things which provide boosts in the neurotransmitters... the dopamine band-aid.

 

My advice to you. Do some research before you destroy your family dynamic.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm of the opposite opinion. I used to believe "'Til death do you part" but I've since realized that nothing lasts forever. The institute of marriage does not supercede the personal happiness of everyone involved. More than likely, your wife isn't very happy with you either.

 

Since you're already in an emotional affair, walk away so your wife has the opportunity to find happiness with someone else. Staying in the marriage is no sacrifice to you. It's the opportunity to maintain a comfortable lifestyle while indulging in an affair. Be honest with yourself, if no one else.

[Herzen]

I'm a separated dad and I understand and appreciate Ladyjane14's advice to proceed with extreme caution. Be absolutely certain that your marriage is in fact over before you exit. Too much is at stake for you to act impulsively or in the "fog" of an affair.

 

Proceed with ultra-caution before departing for what you believe are greener pastures. Every decision has consequences. The decision to exit a marriage and family, especially.

 

No matter how you package it, your 13-year old will miss daddy.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I've been in a blah marriage? what kind of trash is that? You say your unhappy, but happiness comes from within, remember that. You think that your OW is gonna rescue you and make you happy. It's a fantasy wake up!!! you guys both got herpes. Have you disclosed that to the OW will she accept that herpes doesnt go away. She's gonna be living in fear of outbreaks all of her life and valtrex isnt gonna cut it.

 

Marriage is what you make it. Right now your bored and feel wanting to explore your world out there. I get that but please dont blame your wife on your feelings. The fact of the matter is your going into a MLC.

 

You need to realize what is happening with you isnt a fairy tale it's really common. Trust me if you leave your wife for the OW, the OW will leave you for somebody else. Cheaters truly cant be trusted.

 

Marriage is what u make it. Dont be stupid throwing something away then crying about it afterwards.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm a separated dad and I understand and appreciate Ladyjane14's advice to proceed with extreme caution. Be absolutely certain that your marriage is in fact over before you exit. Too much is at stake for you to act impulsively or in the "fog" of an affair.

 

Proceed with ultra-caution before departing for what you believe are greener pastures. Every decision has consequences. The decision to exit a marriage and family, especially.

 

No matter how you package it, your 13-year old will miss daddy.

If he's any kind of father, he will demand equal joint custody.

[Herzen]

If he's any kind of father, he will demand equal joint custody.

 

So true. The child's already 13 so I don't anticipate mega-serious custody issues.

 

But you never know.