advice desperately needed

[halfreal]

Hello everyone,

 

Ive come here as one of my final sources for advice on getting a second chance. Heres my situation:

 

My and my ex were dating for 3 months. Everything seemed perfect until one day she decided that we need to just be friends for a while and she thinks she doesnt love me anymore. I couldnt get a straightfoward answer why this all happened so quickly. Turns out that we moved waaaay too fast. Being foolish, I got her a promise ring after 2 and a half months of this very good relationship. I told her that all the ring means is that I promise to be faithful to her and to love her forever. Its been a month now since we broke up and due to certain events in my life, I was a very bitter person for the past couple of weeks. I realized that me being this way kills my chances of reconciling with her so I have changed my bays back to the old me such as when we were together. I deeply love this girl and would do anyting to bring her back to me. I also realized that during this past month that I havent been friends with her and tried to avoid her at all costs because the pain was tremendous. I went to visit her on christmas morning and everything went rather well. I was my old self again and I know she saw it. About a week ago she said to a friend that in order for her to even consider getting back together with me is that I have to stop being so bitter and to bring the old me back. Any advice on what else I should do would be greatly appreciated. I cant let what we had just go away without a fight. Thanx

 

If any more info is needed, I will happily fill in

[Tony T]

Knowing this lady's age is very critical to a good answer for you. However, I can tell you that while all humans basically want to be loved they don't want it to come too fast and they don't want to be smothered.

 

While the need for love is always there, the need to NOT be confined or experience loss of freedom is there too. If you move in too fast and show too much insecurity and neediness, it just won't work with most worthwhile pursuits.

 

Being "bitter" because somebody breaks up with you clearly shows you are incapable of giving another human being the type of freedom they need in order to be with you. When you are able to show some real class and take rejection like a cultured gentleman, you will impress the ladies so much they will take back their words.

 

You can't take back attitudes and behavior. She has seen this bitterness and she doesn't want any part of a person who is capable of that. She doesn't want to feel trapped in a relationship with you. She wants to be with somebody she feels truly loves her, wants to be with her always but is equally loving enough to set her free in a gentle way if that's what she wants. No creature on the planet wants to be held down to the ground.

 

You've got a lot of major changes to make in your attitudes and insecurities before any woman will feel good about being with you. But that can happen. Just learn that you can't force people to love you and you don't have to work so hard at it. And when they don't want to be around you anymore, that's OK...that's the way the system works...and to become bitter is really not colors the world wants to see.

 

Become the type of person others want to love. The type of person who makes life pleasant for others and who gives others freedom to be themselves.

 

Right now, your best tactic is to back off from this lady. Be nice. You lack a lot of confidence and self esteem and you need to work on that. A man who is sure of himself would have no problem not calling her for a while, or calling her unpredictably, would have a lot better chance putting this back together.

 

While women want a man who can't live without them, they also secretly want a man WHO CAN live without them. They don't want to be around a lovesick wimp who kisses their butt and is part of their shadow everywhere they go.

 

Maybe this will all come for you in time. But until you learn not to sound the alarm and cop an attitude when another human being expresses a desire to do what their absolute right is to do...to be themselves....to be free....you will experience a tremendous amount of hell.

 

The more you make another person feel free to do whatever they desire at anytime...and still let them know how much you care....you will will have them forever.

 

I hope you get to that point.

[midori]

Tony gives good advice.

 

This type of situation comes up fairly frequently: guy is coming on too strong, and the object of his affection is hesitant. It's often attributed to the fact that women like a challenge, that they don't like a man who seems to be needy. And maybe to some extent that's true. But I don't think it's the whole story, and it gives a simplistic view of "what women want" that I think can be very misleading and cause problems in and of itself.

 

Someone recently posted about a guy she met on an on-line dating service, a guy who came on way too strong, too fast, with too many built-in expectations for the two of them living happily ever after. To hear her tell it, this guy sounded like a freaky sort who was way too eager to slot someone, anyone, into the role of "girlfriend." He wasn't getting to know her, he wasn't taking cues from her, it was "full speed ahead" as far as he was concerned. Of course she was turned off: he wasn't actually paying attention to HER, he wasn't interacting with the person she really was. He'd already made his mind up and was just pushing her to go along with the conclusion he'd already reached: that they were meant to be together. Why the rush? What was his motive? Running from another heartache and looking for someone to distract him? Unable to actually interact with a woman in a mature way? Unwilling to risk actually getting to know her, and let her know him, before plunging in with declarations of love (that for *some reason* never ring true)?

 

I imagine if it had been him posting rather than her, we would have heard about a lovely first date, where everything seemed to be going so well, and there was OBVIOUSLY mutual attraction and affection, but she started withdrawing and pushing him away a bit. And he would want to know why.

 

Sorry for the tangent, halfreal, but what I'm getting at is this: Tony may well be right about women not liking men who are too needy and bitter. I'm a woman and I can't say that those are appealing qualities. But what would really make me pause would be someone whose neediness, moodiness and general approach indicated to me that he had no idea what was going on in his own head and heart, that he was just reacting to streams of emotion that he couldn't even identify let alone control, and that his reasons for wanting to be in a relationship with me were not what I would want them to be. Women want to be with men who want them for themselves: not because they represent escapes from other problems, not because they offer a chance to forget about past hurts, not because the guy has decided that he needs a girlfriend for any reason other than because he loves her.

 

You're bitter and hurt about the break-up (which came on the heels of a rushed courtship), and now you have determined that you can just stop being bitter? Do you know why you feel/felt bitter? Do you know why you jumped into things in the first place? There seem to be a lot of unanswered questions here. I don't things will get better for you until you address them. Pretending to not be bitter, pretending to be fine with everything isn't going to work for very long -- and could you really be happy even trying?

[Tony T]

midori gives excellent advice too!!!

[halfreal]

thanx for the advice everyone, another few things I forgot to point out is that she started the fast moving process and I went along with it, but then about 2 weeks before we split up, we had a talk and decided to slow it all waaaay down. During my bitterness stage, we only saw each other maybe twice and nothing was really said except the basic hey and hi, my mistake was that one of those nights I went on a rant about all the bull**** thats been going on but I also managed to not bring up my situations with her in process.

 

Oh yea age: her-17, me-18

 

Also its not that i just stopped being bitter and put on a mask for everyone, its that I finally woke the hell up and I found solid ground.

[halfreal]

another thing is that I havent brought up anything about the breakup to her for the past week or so and ill im doind is being her friend

[halfreal]

so what should I do, give it sometime and ask her on a firstdate all over again(which was the original plan) or what?

[Tony T]

You're going to have to learn a lot of wisdom about love or it will never work for you.

 

Love doesn't know "bitter." That's a word you can't even use in the same post as love. It's incongruous, inconsistent and not even a tiny part of what love is all about.

 

Love is like a giant, fast-flowing river that constantly moves in various directions as it streams onward. You have to do exactly the same thing,. bend and wind as nature and love directs you, if you want love in your life. Just as the river does not become bitter when it suddenly hits a dam, but rather often produces life-giving electricity to further magnify its own love, you must not get bitter when the flow of your love hits a block of some sort. That's the time you create a new energy that is good and positive for all.

 

In all your days upon the earth, you will never have power over love so just give it up. If it comes your way, treasure it. If it doesn't, know that another wave will surely follow. Be as the river that winds at the whim of mother earth and produces food, navigation, electricity, and thirst-quenching water totally free of bitterness for such intrusions.

 

Take your situation one day at a time. Don't care so much to make things happen as to fashion yourself after whatever happens. Be joyous for the opportunity to have this lady in your life, even for a moment. There are billions of men who will never know her so if you just spent one hour with her you are better off than the greatest majority of men on this planet who will never have the pleasure of seeing her eyes.

 

Hold on to this attitude and this lady will be yours forever. Let it go and she will once again join the flow of life and you will lose her as she moves down the stream of eternity and disappears from sight.

 

As for what to do, do only what your heart tells you to do...but only when there is no bitterness in it whatsoever...and no wish at all to force the course of the river or the love you seek to share with your lady.

[halfreal]

that is truely beautiful and inspiring Tony, I have become completely contempt and happy about just being friends with her because it will truly show that I will always be there for her. I will still give it some time before I suggest even a date. We are going to see the Two Towers on Thursday together, hope everything goes well which I have no doubt it will:) Thank you very much everyone esp. Tony. This means alot to me considering I am a total stranger. Ill keep posting some questions and im glad I found this board.