I don't want a divorce or leave my wife

[PPS]

I only found the Love Shack last night and I've read many posts which are very similar to my situation. I feel for everyone here as many of us are in the same boat. My wife wants a divorce and wants me to move out or she will move out!

 

I met my wife 5 years ago and we got married last year in June. Our marriage has been going downhill since December last year (6 months into the marriage). Since then, we seldom have sex (many excuses), and she seldom affectionate towards me.

 

Living with another person is not easy. Occasionally we fight and argue (but who doesn't). In December we had a huge fight that lasted for days. We didn't talk for 3 days. This is what triggered the whole thing.

 

So 1st of January. New year, New start. I promised myself and I promised wife I will change and be a better and caring husband. And I did. I have changed my bad habits and did things the way she wanted. Until last week we had another big fight and I got very angry so that I went back to my parents house for the night. When I came back home the next day. She sat me down to talk to me. She told me to leave or she will leave. Her reasons are.... she can not take it anymore.

 

She said the following:

1. When I get angry I am scary.

2. She doesn't want responsibility anymore (taking care of me).

3. She wants to be single again.

4. She can not live with me because she fears that we will fight and I will get angry again.

5. She needs time alone.

6. And all the other lame excuses (I think they're lame)

 

I've begged her and I've appologised to her and I've told her over and over again that I will change and will be a better husband. But she is a stubborn girl and will not change her mind.

 

I am devistated. I am so sad that I cry many times a day I have tears while typing this post. I can't go to work. I can't sleep at night and I really really don't want to leave my wife.

 

But tonight we have talked again and she will not change her mind. I will leave her and give her some time alone. I find this very difficult to accept and I really feel alot of pain inside me.

 

I asked her if she still loves me she said "yes".... I still don't know why she wants to leave. I really want to talk with my father in law because I feel he can really help our marriage, but he has a week heart and recently had an operation. But I fear that if he finds out, then his health can be in trouble.

 

Any comments or advice is very much appreciated.

[33chris]

I just found this board today, and submitted a post about my own sad story only a few hours ago. I have been separated from my wife for about 10 months now, and I may not know everything (or perhaps much at all) but I do know this: you cannot change the way a person feels, or force a person to love you.

 

It seems your wife has made up her mind about ending the marriage. While I do think you certainly deserve a better explanation that what has been given, I also think that there isnt much you can do at this point other than give her some time. I can definitely empathize with you -- this will likely be the most difficult and painful experience of your life. I dont think your marriage is necessarily completely over, but I think you both need some time to think things through. Im not a huge advocate of formal separations (as I think it screwed up my marriage to a large extent), but a few days to think might help both of you sort things out.

 

Why do you think she is "scared of you" when you are angry?

 

Good luck with everything.

 

 

 

I only found the Love Shack last night and I've read many posts which are very similar to my situation. I feel for everyone here as many of us are in the same boat. My wife wants a divorce and wants me to move out or she will move out!

 

I met my wife 5 years ago and we got married last year in June. Our marriage has been going downhill since December last year (6 months into the marriage). Since then, we seldom have sex (many excuses), and she seldom affectionate towards me.

 

Living with another person is not easy. Occasionally we fight and argue (but who doesn't). In December we had a huge fight that lasted for days. We didn't talk for 3 days. This is what triggered the whole thing.

 

So 1st of January. New year, New start. I promised myself and I promised wife I will change and be a better and caring husband. And I did. I have changed my bad habits and did things the way she wanted. Until last week we had another big fight and I got very angry so that I went back to my parents house for the night. When I came back home the next day. She sat me down to talk to me. She told me to leave or she will leave. Her reasons are.... she can not take it anymore.

 

She said the following:

1. When I get angry I am scary.

2. She doesn't want responsibility anymore (taking care of me).

3. She wants to be single again.

4. She can not live with me because she fears that we will fight and I will get angry again.

5. She needs time alone.

6. And all the other lame excuses (I think they're lame)

 

I've begged her and I've appologised to her and I've told her over and over again that I will change and will be a better husband. But she is a stubborn girl and will not change her mind.

 

I am devistated. I am so sad that I cry many times a day I have tears while typing this post. I can't go to work. I can't sleep at night and I really really don't want to leave my wife.

 

But tonight we have talked again and she will not change her mind. I will leave her and give her some time alone. I find this very difficult to accept and I really feel alot of pain inside me.

 

I asked her if she still loves me she said "yes".... I still don't know why she wants to leave. I really want to talk with my father in law because I feel he can really help our marriage, but he has a week heart and recently had an operation. But I fear that if he finds out, then his health can be in trouble.

 

Any comments or advice is very much appreciated.

[Darth Vader]

OK, PPS, I gotta tell ya that what she's saying is 100% BULLCRAP! 6 months into a marriage? Anyway, I think there's someone else on the side, she gave you the I need space crap, I want to be single, yada yada yada. If anyone moves, it's her, Got it? She doesn't want sex, so there probably is someone. Contact a lawyer, get yourself covered, make sure she can't take you for anything. At least you two don't have children, I'm assuming........

[Gunny376]

OK, PPS, I gotta tell ya that what she's saying is 100% BULLCRAP! 6 months into a marriage? Anyway, I think there's someone else on the side, she gave you the I need space crap, I want to be single, yada yada yada. If anyone moves, it's her, Got it? She doesn't want sex, so there probably is someone. Contact a lawyer, get yourself covered, make sure she can't take you for anything. At least you two don't have children, I'm assuming........

 

 

Vets know Vets! (Veterans know Veterans) :lmao: :lmao:

 

My DW came to me with this BS~ I'd be like: ~ "So? What's his name?"

[sumdude]

OK here we go again... I feel for ya man, been through the same thing..

 

I swear there is some sort of training video these types of women go through. Some secret thing only women know about. They use the same azz tired lines over and over! Must be from a soap or something, maybe Lifetime has the "How to lose your husband in 30 days" show.

 

If you want to save this thing try to get the two of you into marraige counciling. Stop making promises about changing. Only actions will prove anything, Talk is cheap. Make this as businesslike as possible for now.

 

If she is totally resistant..

 

OK, also it's HER problem so stop feeling like you're a total screwup loser. Go find your nutsack and tell her that YOU want it to be over because you don't want to waste your life with someone who won't keep a commitment. Someone who jumps ship in the middle of the storm isn't worth it. Because that is a fact!

 

Get pissed BUT quietly pissed. Don't get all threatening or over the top yelling, accusing freaking.. If you feel that you've made some mistakes take responsibility for your actions but stop begging.... no woman respects a begging man. Look, you have to make yourself Ok with this .... at least fake it till you make it. Sounds crazy but remember just how many women there are in the world and she is not worth your sanity and self respect. You need to know you'll be just fine without her, because you will...

 

I say this 'cause I've been there, done that in your shoes. Wish I had just picked myself up by my butt at the beginning...before she left. It took me a couple months to see it for what it was. She wants that fairy tale love world AND a strong man. Start looking and acting weak and the women start packing. This doesn't mean being the d*** husband, just sure of yourself.

[Gunny376]

OK here we go again... I feel for ya man, been through the same thing..

 

I swear there is some sort of training video these types of women go through. Some secret thing only women know about. They use the same azz tired lines over and over! Must be from a soap or something, maybe Lifetime has the "How to lose your husband in 30 days" show.

 

If you want to save this thing try to get the two of you into marraige counciling. Stop making promises about changing. Only actions will prove anything, Talk is cheap. Make this as businesslike as possible for now.

 

If she is totally resistant..

 

OK, also it's HER problem so stop feeling like you're a total screwup loser. Go find your nutsack and tell her that YOU want it to be over because you don't want to waste your life with someone who won't keep a commitment. Someone who jumps ship in the middle of the storm isn't worth it. Because that is a fact!

 

Get pissed BUT quietly pissed. Don't get all threatening or over the top yelling, accusing freaking.. If you feel that you've made some mistakes take responsibility for your actions but stop begging.... no woman respects a begging man. Look, you have to make yourself Ok with this .... at least fake it till you make it. Sounds crazy but remember just how many women there are in the world and she is not worth your sanity and self respect. You need to know you'll be just fine without her, because you will...

 

I say this 'cause I've been there, done that in your shoes. Wish I had just picked myself up by my butt at the beginning...before she left. It took me a couple months to see it for what it was. She wants that fairy tale love world AND a strong man. Start looking and acting weak and the women start packing. This doesn't mean being the d*** husband, just sure of yourself.

 

Somedude~ Look at you!

 

You tha' man!

 

Been drinking some of that WTFU brand coffee, eh?

 

:bunny: :bunny: and an OooooooRaahhhh!

[sumdude]

Somedude~ Look at you!

 

You tha' man!

 

Been drinking some of that WTFU brand coffee, eh?

 

:bunny: :bunny: and an OooooooRaahhhh!

 

Good coffee and Gunny's Divorce Boot Camp!

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would definitely listen to sumdude and gunny. it seems that affairs start with the SO often saying things to exagerate the situation. Then the distance then the lying, then the gaslighting. then the secrets. Keep a close eye on this one. Something's going on whether emotional or physical.

 

Dont say how you trust your wife and blah,blah,blah. Things always begin this way. Keep your eyes open.

[Chrome Barracuda]

And For Godsakes Do Not Leave Your House!!!!!

[Trialbyfire]

If you want to save this thing try to get the two of you into marraige counciling. Stop making promises about changing. Only actions will prove anything, Talk is cheap. Make this as businesslike as possible for now.

 

 

This works both ways. If she expressed the necessity for him to anger manage and he hasn't, no wonder she's not interested in making it work...

[Chrome Barracuda]

This works both ways. If she expressed the necessity for him to anger manage and he hasn't, no wonder she's not interested in making it work...

 

How the hell do you know? It could be excuses, just because he screams that is no right to step outside your marriage? if she is? I'm not saying it.

 

But she could be exaggerating what he's doing just to make it look like a big thing when it's not. WS always lie and exagerate their partners bad traits or what they believe is bad and amplify them to make them the righteous one. You should know that trial.

[Trialbyfire]

How the hell do you know? It could be excuses, just because he screams that is no right to step outside your marriage? if she is? I'm not saying it.

 

But she could be exaggerating what he's doing just to make it look like a big thing when it's not. WS always lie and exagerate their partners bad traits or what they believe is bad and amplify them to make them the righteous one. You should know that trial.

I know as much as you do. Kind of hypocritical of you, don't you think?

[Darth Vader]

Vets know Vets! (Veterans know Veterans) :lmao: :lmao:

 

My DW came to me with this BS~ I'd be like: ~ "So? What's his name?"

 

 

Think that's funny, look at my profile.

[Darth Vader]

Somedude~ Look at you!

 

You tha' man!

 

Been drinking some of that WTFU brand coffee, eh?

 

:bunny: :bunny: and an OooooooRaahhhh!

 

 

I drink whole pots! I invented it!

[GreenEyedLady]

A third of her reasons have to do with you getting angry...that makes me wonder how often you get angry and to what extent...

 

I kinda know how she feels...my XH used to get really mad for no reason (he's bi-polar) and be very mean and nasty...he made this awful face and it really scared me...and I wish I had found that out in the first year, before we had two children together...(although we had plenty of other problems)...Have you ever hit her?

 

She may have legitimate reasons on ending the M and not want to work it out because let's face it, maybe you guys did make a mistake in marrying...

 

Have you seen a professional about managing your anger?

[Chrome Barracuda]

A third of her reasons have to do with you getting angry...that makes me wonder how often you get angry and to what extent...

 

I kinda know how she feels...my XH used to get really mad for no reason (he's bi-polar) and be very mean and nasty...he made this awful face and it really scared me...and I wish I had found that out in the first year, before we had two children together...(although we had plenty of other problems)...Have you ever hit her?

 

She may have legitimate reasons on ending the M and not want to work it out because let's face it, maybe you guys did make a mistake in marrying...

 

Have you seen a professional about managing your anger?

 

She may have a legitimate reason for ending the marriage, maybe you guys made a mistake??? what kind of crap is that for a man who wants to save his family? If he has anger problems he can go and get them fixed. Did he abuse her? did he hit her? that's the questions you should be asking, your letting this woman off too easy. GEL. I bet you anything she's emotionally wrapped into somebody else.

[LakesideDream]

It would really help to hear more about the OP's "anger". OP, do you rant, yell, fingerpoint.. threaten?

 

If so you probably scared the woman out of the marriage.

 

On the other hand, if you are talking about raised voices, and heated arguments (without the above), you have been blessed with the old "I need space, etc" line which is code for "I have found a new penis with man attached that interests me"... (this is not gender specific, men do it too).

 

Be prepared, the truth comes out slowly.

[Gunny376]

There are waaaaayyyyy to many sensitive people running around the world today ~ especially in the US!

 

As a former 2X's former Marine DI, 20 year retired Marine I've constant problems with people readiing me the wrong way by what I say, look, act, walk. :lmao:

 

I've had complaints against me that I've "gone off" on some folks?

 

Fortunately I work for a retired Army Master Sergeant who understands.

 

My first azz chewing I got out here in civilan la~la land, it took me a second to understand, "Hey! I just got my azz chewed!"

 

I remeber my last azz chewing in the Marines when the CO got nose to nose, eyeball to eyeball, up close and personal with me and said:

 

"IF YOU DON'T GET YOU AZZ OUT THERE, AND UN-SCREW THAT ******* SITUATION, I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR ******** HEAD OFF, AND **** DOWN YOUR THROAT, CUT YOU FROM ******* LIMB TO LIMB, AND BURY YOUR *** WHERE NO ONE WILL EVER FIND YOUR BODY, AND SALT THE ******* EARTH SO NOTHING WILL EVER GROW THERE AGAIN!

 

Needless to say, I had a clear pretty picture in my head when he was done with me as to what he had in mind!

 

The worse argument I had with my XW, I went DI on her and had her cowering up in the corner hiding behind the curtains, crying like a baby. Not one of my prouder moments.

 

Its all realitive? And subjective?

 

I would dare say my going DI on the XW, had Lady Jane been the wife ~ she would have told me to go pound sand in my azz! Same with a lot of the other women that frequent this fourmn!

[Ladyjane14]

I would dare say my going DI on the XW, had Lady Jane been the wife ~ she would have told me to go pound sand in my azz! Same with a lot of the other women that frequent this fourmn!

 

Exactly. Hey, I don't mind giving a guy a little time to pull his sh*t together... but he is DEFINITELY not going to make a habit of yelling at me.

 

I agree with GEL. If this guy wants ANY small hope of pulling the fat out of the fire, he's going to have to take a leaf from PWSX3's book... and make some REAL changes. These are good changes to make regardless of the outcome of the marriage... because they'll put him in good stead for the rest of his life.

 

After all.... If you are not in control of your emotions... then your emotions are in control of YOU.

[sumdude]

This works both ways. If she expressed the necessity for him to anger manage and he hasn't, no wonder she's not interested in making it work...

 

I agree absolutly with the working both ways. Both in the marriage have to be willing to listen and adapt if the marriage is to be saved. That's the point of MC. As far as his possible anger issues... I have no idea from a post what the real story is.

 

To PPS:

OK be honest with us, this is an anonymous board... Do you get pretty out of control angry? Have you ever been threatening or the slightest bit physically violent with your W?

[PPS]

Everyone. Sorry, I haven't been around the last couple of the weeks to reply the posts. I'm a flight attendant, so I'm not aways home.

 

Firstly. Thank you to everyone who read my post and gave comments and advice.

 

Its been a month since wife told me to leave. But we are still living under the same roof. Sleeping in the same bed (No sex - I did try, but she wouldn't). And Last night she told me again to consider leaving again.

 

33Chris - She's scared when I am angry because in the past I have said some bad things. And few times I have threatened her, but I've never hit her or done anything physical. I once (only once) called her a "F***ken B*tch. I know I was wrong and I have changed. I have never called her any names or threatened her again.

 

 

Darth Vader/ Gunny376 - Thats what I thought as well. I thought there was another guy. From November 2006 - Feb 2007, she set a pass word to her phone so I couldn't check. Then I somehow unlocked the password and read some text messages. All messages from this same Guy called Douglas. (Man, I hate this name - lol). I questioned her and she told me its one of her customers and they are just ordinary friends. They sometimes go for coffee or call each other for chat. Because she said Douglas was a person who would listen to her marriage problems and she felt comfortable talking to him. That time i got really upset and she promised me not to contact Douglas again.. And Since then she did not call him or message him at all. I believe her on that one. They were only friends.

 

Sumdude - Thanks for your advice. I really find it hard to leave her. 3 weeks ago, on a Sunday morning I woke up early and packed my bags. I was walking out the door and I could hold my tears and I let it out crying like a big baby. I really could not do it so I told her (AGAIN) I don't want to leave. And told her that I don't have anywhere to go except back to my parents house. MY mother is sick and I really don't want to make it worst by telling her my wife doesn't want me anymore. But now I have thought it over, I will wait till the right time to tell my mother and move back in with her. I am prepared to leave no matter how hard and how painful it is. No point begging for something I won't get. And, last week I suggest we could seek professional advice, but she refuses to go with me because she wants to leave and councilling will not convince her to stay.

 

Chrome Barracude / Trial by Fire Green Eyed Lady LAkeside Dream- We're renting together at the moment. We did discuss buying together, but it ain;t happening no more. She didn't suggest anger management. I was not always angry over small things or anything. It was only that one or two big occasions that messed things up. She only gave me like two chance to be angry. She said, she doesn't want to be with a person who is that scary when angry. She said when a person is angry, it will bring out the true identity of that person. And when I was angry I was scary and threatening. And she does not want to be with this kind of person. Of course, we also have the small disagreements and small fights with finger pointing and raising out voices. I've have never ever hit, slap, push, or gotten physical during heated moments.

 

In the past many weeks, I have tried and tried to be patient and caring towards her to see if things can change. But it hasn't