No Love Making

[tmcomp07]

Hello. I'm somewhat frustrated, and would like an opinion.

 

My fiancee and I started dating 3 1/2 years ago. Last Christmas, I surprised her with an Engagement ring, and she said yes. I really love her, and look forward to spending the rest of my life with her.

 

Our relationship started slow, but it continued to progress. We were both virgins, which made us nervous. After dating 4 months, we started having sex. (Early 2004). It was awkward at first, but we kept getting better and better. We always used precautions (she's on birth control, and I've always used a condom). We both enjoyed it. We continued having regular / semi-regular sex over the next two years.

 

However, in late 2005, she missed her period. Nothing went wrong, but she got "freaked out." She's had odd periods before, and she's on birth control to make them regular. From that point, we've virtually stopped having sex. (Only twice in 2006).

 

When I bring it up, she brings up two major items. She says that she doesn't want to get pregnant, and that it's against our religion. Her best friend has gotten pregnant twice since we've been dating. She slept around, didn't use protection, and got pregnant.

 

I've said there is some risk of pregnancy, but we've always used precautions, and we've been okay in the past. She also mentions religion, and that pre-marital sex in not good. I've said that we already started, and that times have changed. If we had known each other 50 or 100 years ago, we would have gotten married at a much younger age. (I'm 23 and she's 25).

 

We're not planning on getting married until summer 2009. I'm just about to graduate college, and we want to become financially stable first.

 

However, I'm feeling somewhat depressed / rejected. I want to have sex, but she doesn't. I'm willing to wait until we get married, but it's a ways away. I really love her. I enjoy it, and I know she enjoys it. It feels like she doesn't trust me.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions / comments? Has anyone experienced this?

[Storyrider]

I would be concerned that this is about a problem with the sexual chemistry and attraction rather than the causes she has attributed. I don't think it is healthy to live as a couple for two more years before you get married. By the time the wedding happens you will be so habituated to it.

 

Maybe you should just have a quicky wedding at the courthouse and then you can have sex now. You could still have the big ceremony later. Or, if she has other issues those need to be brought to the fore.

[polywog]

I agree with everything that Storyrider said. But I think that you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion, air your feelings and listen to each other carefully, without any confrontation. That way you can come to understand each others feelings, fears, and hopes and come to a resolution that will satisfy you both. It will clear the air, at least, and give you something to work on as a couple. Good luck to you both!

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Does anyone have any suggestions / comments? Has anyone experienced this?

 

I think that if you marry this girl, she's not going to have sex with you either because... you didn't throw the trash/ pay the bills/ wore the shirt she doesn't like/ etc/ etc/ etc.

 

But she'll always find an excuse. Well, some good excuse, like I can't have sex with a man that is not concerned enough about my feelings and who doesn't appreciate all I do for him, when he can't even throw the trash... you get the idea.

 

It'll only get worse,

 

Ariadne

[norajane]

From that point, we've virtually stopped having sex. (Only twice in 2006).

 

When I bring it up, she brings up two major items. She says that she doesn't want to get pregnant, and that it's against our religion. Her best friend has gotten pregnant twice since we've been dating. She slept around, didn't use protection, and got pregnant.

Issue 1: If she is on birth control and you always use condoms, she is being unreasonable about being afraid of pregnancy. It appears to be an excuse. Consider that she could use this same excuse throughout your marriage - whole lifetime without sex because she is afraid to get pregnant. Perhaps you could suggest that both of you do some research online regarding the chance of getting pregnant while using birth control pills and condoms, or that you both go to her gynecologist and discuss it fully to ease her mind. If it's not just an excuse, she should be willing to do this with you.

 

Issue 2: You need to get clear on the whole religion thing. Because again, this could affect your entire marriage, and not just the sex part of it. If she is so religious, then perhaps she won't want you masturbating because she thinks it's a sin, or perhaps she won't want to use birth control after marriage because it's a sin or whatever. Find out if she has some other fear that is holding her back, since she obviously wasn't worried about religion when you were having sex before. If she won't talk to you and just says no, it's against our religion, then you need to think long and hard about whether you want to marry her. Your religious views are obviously not the same.

 

Finally, be honest and tell her that her holding back from sex is making you feel like she is not attracted to you and maybe doesn't trust you or love you. Tell her it is hurting you to be unable to be close to her and feel the intimacy that sex in a loving relationship brings. Tell her you feel she is pulling away from you and disinterested in sex. Ask her if she really enjoys sex or not. Maybe she isn't having orgasms, maybe something hurts, maybe she doesn't want to do certain things...tell her she is making you feel like this will be a problem in your marriage and that really concerns you.

[Horse]

Ariadne is right. There will always be another reason.

 

Go to the married threads and read all of the posts by guys who's wives have stopped having sex with them and ask yourself if that is really what you want for the rest of your life.

 

I'm not saying it is hopeless, but you have to get this resolved before you get married, because it will only get worse once you are.

 

Don't be too patient.

[michelangelo]

They've all given you great advice.

 

I do have to ask, what religion are we talking about?

 

Also, If intercourse is out, is any other sexual contact allowed?

 

There is a lot of things that can be done without doing "the deed."