So it's D-Day

[Babybird]

and I don't know what to think. I received a text message from MM a little bit ago just saying that she knows, he loves me and he call me later.

 

A little history: We've been together for over a year. His excuse for not leaving is his son. Basically the same story that every OW tells on this site. Him and W have been married for 20 years and their son is 16. We work together at my families machine shop. That will make it really hard if we end up breaking up.

 

The nerve wracking part is waiting...waiting to find out if he's going to leave, if she booted him out...if he is going to be exactly what everyone has warned me he is. Will he leave? Has our entire R been a lie?

 

What are you supposed to do when you are straddled on the fence between heartbreak and what you always wanted?

 

I could really kick myself in the @ss for ever getting in this situation right now. I keep wondering if she is going to call me. I know her. I don't like her but I can't help but wonder if he has been telling the truth how she is dealing with this. Is she happy she finally has an excuse to get rid of him? Has he been lying and she is completely devastated? God this sucks.

 

Another thread here was talking about feeling guilt. I'm pretty sure that someone said that if you don't feel guilt right now you will if you're caught. That is starting to make total sense to me.

 

So I'm not going to sit around and wait for his call. I am going to do what every OW should do on D-Day. Go to the bar and get rip roaring drunk. I will keep you all posted. (Btw: I know this won't solve anything but right now I don't really care!!!)

[Trialbyfire]

Word of advice. If you get rip-roaring drunk, do not talk to either him or his W. It may do more damage.

[kymberann]

Just let whatever happens, happen!

You have no say so in the matter now!

Best to you!

[bigblueeyes]

I really don't want to rain on your parade BUT please keep your expectations to a minimum.

 

I have gone through TWO D-Days already, and am pretty sure that if MM could have his way, his wife and me would face many more of them.

 

Even though, I suspect that next time either she or I will inflict seriouosly bodily harm on him.

 

All I want to say is there can be a very loooooooooooooong way to go after D-Day.

 

Sorry about being honest about it and I wish you all the best and will keep my fingers crossed.

[norajane]

Have you ever discussed what would happen if his wife found out about his affair with you? Did he tell you what he'd do - be honest with his wife and leave her or stay with her and try to work things out?

 

Had you ever made any plans to actually be together - like him getting a divorce at some point?

[Ruby Tuesday]

Is she happy she finally has an excuse to get rid of him? Has he been lying and she is completely devastated? God this sucks.

 

No the BW is not happy. She's beyond pissed off and emotionally devistated. Worse is that she knows who you are and her reaction will be anger and resentment for you.

 

D-Day is probably one of the worst things that could happen to a woman, to find out your partner has been stabbing you in the back for another woman. Someone she knows. Since it's a LTA, and not some harmless fling, it is going to be really bad for her.

 

Put yourself in her place. Imagine if you ever did anything wrong in your relationship, that your punishment would be the same as hers was. It's not really fair, but as you can see by example that life isnt fair and there are people who claim they love you that will take advantage of you the minute you turn your back.

 

The people who claim to love you abuse your trust and take advantage of your faith in them. Dont expect her to trust what he says, expect her to find out about you and turn your life upside down like hers was. I think your families reputation at the machine shop will be mud and all eyes will be on you and MM.

 

And just so you know this, so you understand why she feels this way, is because what you did with her husband will hurt her for the rest of her life. She is going to feel like you and MM have wronged her in every way. Every kiss and every phone call will be a nail in the cross that she has to bear for life.

 

The only thing she ever did to you (her only crime) was being married to your boyfriend. So dont mess with her. Dont do drive bys and dont flake out and start calling that house. Don't write her the tell all letter.

 

Given the chance, the BW will likely confront you and I hope you will be honest with her and not cover for him and lie for him anymore.

 

And don't smart off and act like you know everything, that he is staying only for his son, etc, because chances are he's lying to the both of you and you will look like a complete fool.

 

Lying? You bet. It never ends. Thats why we have more than one d-day. She is most likely being gaslighted to the nth degree.

 

Examples: She is just a friend, It's not what it looks like, It's over, etc.

 

Your interests do not matter to him right now. He will do anything and say anything to protect himself.

 

Examples: Just give me more time, If she calls you deny everything.

 

I wouldn't expect her to throw him under the bus. Don't underestimate the BW. The BW has alot invested in her marriage, 20 years and a child, so I wouldn't be suprised if your plan backfires and they work things out.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48656/

 

Read this thread, maybe you'll understand what pain she's probably feeling right now.

 

Her whole life, everything that she thought was real, has been turned upside down.

 

Maybe the best thing to do is leave MM alone.

[Trialbyfire]

Wow, that's exactly what I went through. Thanks wwiu.

[whichwayisup]

When Dazed was here a while back, he certainly helped many people. But, it was his original thread and what he went through that attracted so many people! So intelligent and willling to open up and share all that he went through (even during the process of finding out about his wife's affair) and he didn't hold back.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Here's his original thread. Maybe BB should look at his life story as well, gain some insight to what her MM is about to go through with his wife and maybe she'll respect MM's wife and remove herself, make the choice herself to end the affair.

[smartgirl]

If she suspects and he wants to keep going, but try to be sneakier - walk, don't run to the nearest exit because it will just get uglier and more complicated after that.

 

If he doesn't quit where you work, be prepared for her to call your family and tell all.

[Babybird]

After getting off the PC later I left and went to the bar. After a few toddies and a lot of thought I sent him a text stating that if she knows not to expect me to continue the affair with him if he decides to stay. That I'm shutting my phone off and he won't be able to get a hold of me at all that night. Of course that got his attention. He called saying that he misinterpreted my question and she doesn't know at all.

 

??

 

Exactly. I can't tell if he's lying or not. I guessing she doesn't know because he managed to call me several times through out the night to make sure things were ok between us and then gave me a ride home from the bar at 11 because there was no way I could drive and he knew it. My guess would be that there is no way in hell he could've done that if she knew. I know I would be watching him like a hawk.

 

I did manage to get quite a bit of my frustrated feelings out...of course liquid courage helps. At one point he kept asking if I wanted to be through with him and my response in a not so friendly tone was I wanted him to leave his wife, be a man, and stop being such a f'ing coward. Then I got out of his truck and went inside.

 

In all honesty I can't remember much more than that. I haven't talked to him today and have made no attempt to contact him. I fed up with this crap. Sh*t or get off the pot already.

 

The only time we've ever talked about if she found out was in a joking sort of way. He said that he would be back at his mom's and laughed. If he ever gets divorced we had planned on being together. Of course he is saying that he's going to leave after he fixes a couple of things on the house and puts it up for sale. They financially cannot afford the place if they are apart. She can't afford it alone and he can't afford to be on his own and help her with the mortgage payment. Supposedly he's going to start that soon. I'm not holding my breath. But then again right now as far as I'm concerned we don't have a R until he leaves his wife.

 

Work is going to suck. I'm not that worried about the families reputation because its happened before. Not with me but my sister that's the GM. She had an A with one of the operators, left her H, and married him. It wasn't a big deal. I think people at work have their suspicions anyway. I don't think it would be a big shock.

 

Thank you for all of the support and words of advice. I am going to do my best not to cave and take him back. Honestly, I don't see it working. I don't want to be through with him. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow after work. This should be interesting.

[Trialbyfire]

If he's lying, his house of cards will fall down very soon. Any woman with an ounce of salt will be on full alert now.

[Ruby Tuesday]

If he's lying? Right.

 

What do you think this guy has been playing at for the last year?

 

He's had lots and lots of practice with the both of them.

 

MM must have become a really creative liar in the last year to keep both women on the hook. Baby bird is losing alot, BW is losing alot. The only real "winner" here is the MM.

 

Why should he have to give up either life?

 

Babybird is playing games too, calling MM drunk from the bar. Classic.

 

BB, you actually have to shut your phone *off* and stop using calling him if that's what you really wanted to happen, but you want this married scuzball to chase you and call you in the middle of the night, because thats all you pretty much are going to get out of it, so the secret kisses in secret places that don't mean anything is all you have. It's a disaster.

 

The lies he tells you arent as bad as the lies you keep telling yourself.

 

He is still married, head of household, father to a son, meaning he's heavily committed to his wife and family no matter what he says different. Is he going to walk away from all that for this affair with a co-worker? I dont think so.

[greengoddess]

omg morals, it's a family thing.

 

Her sister had an affair with a married man too?

 

Oh but she got her prize. She married the cheat. :laugh:

 

classic, just classic.

 

Good luck with that man. I am sure you are all gushy in love again. Yes i'm sure it was just a mistake he told you she knows. :bunny:

[serial muse]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48656/

 

Read this thread, maybe you'll understand what pain she's probably feeling right now.

 

Her whole life, everything that she thought was real, has been turned upside down.

 

Maybe the best thing to do is leave MM alone.

 

My God. That describes it beautifully. Any OW who want insight into how a BS feels should read that post.

[Salicious Crumb]

What are you supposed to do when you are straddled on the fence between heartbreak and what you always wanted?

 

What you wanted? You mean a man that is no man at all to be cheating on his wife and son? You want guy that is a cheater and someone that is willing to risk hurting his children for something on the side?

[whichwayisup]

You want guy that is a cheater and someone that is willing to risk hurting his children for something on the side?

 

Even if he did leave his wife and children, ask yourself this BB - Could you honestly trust him 100%? If he could leave his own children and wife for you, that glue between creating a child and saying vows - wasn't enough to keep him faithful and at home, do you think that what you have with him is stronger and he wouldn't turn around and cheat on you too? Or leave when he gets bored, to find someone else? Think about that.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

WWIU,

 

Thanks for that link, I've never read it before. It perfectly describes the very long grief/healing process involved in this kind of betrayal whether long term reconciliation occurs or not. So very often I read a post from a new BS on this board just learning of H's infidelities and I can only shake my head and sigh ... it's going to be a VERY long road ... is all that I can think. I can't however bring myself to break it to them. That post should be a pat reply for any new BS who comes to these forums. That has to be one of the truest posts I've read here. Sorry, didn't mean to thread jack. Thanks for sharing that WWIU.

[whichwayisup]

Keep the link somewhere and post it when you feel someone needs some help.

 

Dazed helped so many people while he was on LS and I frequently post his thread because I know it can help many that are in the same situation as him.

 

I'm glad that link has touched people and hopefully it will help new OW/OM see the other side and the damage affairs inflict on BS's, and they'll walk away from the MM/MW.

[Babybird]

What you wanted? You mean a man that is no man at all to be cheating on his wife and son? You want guy that is a cheater and someone that is willing to risk hurting his children for something on the side?

 

Even if I hated this mans guts and thought of him as a crappy human being, which at times I wonder, I wouldn't consider him cheating on his son. Or any person that cheats for that matter as cheating on their children. The possibility of hurting them, yes. I think that being a father and being a husband are two seperate things. Because your a lousy, no good, cheating spouse doesn't mean that you are a lousy parent.

[norajane]

Because your a lousy, no good, cheating spouse doesn't mean that you are a lousy parent.

 

If you are jeopardizing the marriage, then yes, you are also putting the well-being of the children in jeopardy, and are doing something that could be harmful to their future (trauma at home until a possible divorce), and are damaging their faith and trust in their father (he lied to their mom). That sounds pretty lousy to me.

[Babybird]

Even if he did leave his wife and children, ask yourself this BB - Could you honestly trust him 100%? If he could leave his own children and wife for you, that glue between creating a child and saying vows - wasn't enough to keep him faithful and at home, do you think that what you have with him is stronger and he wouldn't turn around and cheat on you too? Or leave when he gets bored, to find someone else? Think about that.

 

Very good points and I have given them a lot of thought. The only thing that I can say is there are risks to any relationship. Even if the R starts out with two single people I don't think the risk is any less that they'll cheat, get bored and leave. Look at all the people here that say they had the perfect M and then their spouse cheated? No previous history of cheating.

 

If I met a single man and started dating him, everything was going great, and then found out he cheated on his exW should I be more wary that he'll cheat on me?

 

As far as the glue between creating a child and saying vows...I don't know about that. I have heard too many stories from people other than my MM that claim to be staying just because of the children. This can create a completely different environment for the child that definitely isn't pleasant or what the child deserves to be exposed to. So what would be better...staying with the spouse for the sake of the children, fighting, and watching your parents be miserable for your entire childhood, or having your parent move on and find someone that makes them happy and that they really love? What is more important: your vows or your child??

 

These are questions that I wrestled with before me and my exH got divorced. I couldn't take it and didn't want the children to be exposed to that anymore. Things are better for the kids and all are happy.

 

Just things that I have pondered. I have considered that once a cheater always a cheater theory. I have also considered that he will leave me when he gets bored. On the flip-side I have considered the same things about myself. Will I want to drop him when I'm bored?? Will I want to cheat?? I don't know. I can't predict the future. I didn't cheat on my exh but I thought about it. I think I out grew them. Anyways its always presented that the MM/MW will cheat again but never that the OW/OM will. Which one is really more at risk?

[NoIDidn't]

Not trying to rag on you at all BB, but this just blows my mind.

 

I would not deal with a company where the management was so flippant about its forays into the lives of its workers.

 

If I worked for such a company, and the cheating amongst ourselves continued, I'd be really disappointed and start looking for employment elsewhere (whether or not I actually voiced my opinion of the happenings).

[Ruby Tuesday]

LOL, NID. She said it's a family business.