So it's D-Day

[greengoddess]

what's an EMA?

extra marital affair

 

It's the same story day in and day out. The poor young ow gets thrown under the bus on dday and told to lie for the scum. He then tells her as soon as it cools down at home i'll be back for you my little hidden secret lover.

[Salicious Crumb]

No but nothing I could say would stop you if that's what you were determined to do. That woman said in her post she was determined to go into a LIFELONG A. It's so preposterous, you can't but chase her back with just a ridiculous response. If it's her personal choice to engage in that she will only really hurt herself. And when people make that kind of a choice they are ONLY thinking of themselves. She will end up hurting what matters most to her.

 

So you could have said..."its your life and you have to make your own mistakes"....not "go for it". You said to her..."if it makes you happy"...in other words..."f#ck those you are hurting...if it makes you happy do it."

 

It DOES NOT MATTER whether you are going to change her mind or not.

The comment you said to her basically showed contempt for the people she is hurting.

[Tomcat33]

SC, say anything you want here. Do not let anyone tell you how to feel. It is perfectly OK to let your anger out. I believe that it is much healthier to get it out of your system. As a matter of fact, I believe that it is necessary to get all the anger out before you can move on.

 

I came here last year very angry and after several months I have been able to let go of that anger and move on to make my marriage stronger. I wish the same for you.

 

This is a free forum open to anyone. We are not paid specialists and we are not obligated in any way to compromise our own beliefs or how we feel. If someone wants to ignore us, so be it, but do not feel like you should have to hold on to your anger. Please speak freely.

 

Funny how this comment works for the people BASHING the OW/OM

 

and all the cheerleaders pipe in to applaud the actions,

 

I agree with HN.

The other thing is, it's better SC come here and be bitter and angry. I am more and more convinced he does this here so he WON'T be as angry offline and at home.

 

but when said OW/OM stands up for what THEY want to say, it's attacking.

 

But no.... there are no double standards going on here.

 

LOL the hypocrisy just kills me! It really does.

 

Here's a thought, you going to put out your thoughts, accept others are going to have different views, if you can't accept that then maybe you shouldn't have a discussion, debate, exchange call it whatever. But jumping in to gang-bang those who don't agree with you is really lame.

The reason I am arguing with everyone is because everyone of those that are arguing with me have a DIFFERENT point of view than I do. DUUUUUH.

 

And I am as much to blame for the debate, argument, disagreement as THEY are.

[Tomcat33]

And another thing, I may totally disagree with what SC may say and we may not see eye to eye AT ALL at points but at least when he thows out a point of view and then I throw one back he doesn't cry "mommy mommy they're attacking me,".

 

If you don't want to argue then DON'T. Plain and simple.

[Salicious Crumb]

And yeah dam straight it peeves me off. This is not a support group for BS it's a support group for people ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EQUATION if you don't want to support fine but don't berate people and if you see someone berating don't encourage it IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP!

 

Your missing one important thing....if people on the "other side" want help in getting out of a bad situation or know they are doing wrong and need guidance...that is one thing.

 

But most of the time the OM/OW have this "me me me...its all about me" attitude and they want to continue the affair or think its unfair to them their MM/MW don't leave their family for them....shi!t like that.

 

Sorry...sometimes people find themselves in bad situations and want out...and there are others who think their needs are paramount over that of someone elses spouse and children....and THAT is where they are not deserving of any support.....unless you like to support the wrecking of a home or support heathenistic or trashy behavior.

 

In my opinion I don't think BSs should be here at all who have a lot of pent up fresh anger, they have too many unresolved emotions and some are juts not in the frame of mind to offer support or constructive help at all.

 

Again...no way does anyone who wants to keep an affair going or doesn't give a crap about those they hurt deserve an ounce of support.

 

You tell me...when someone wants to get their needs met and doesn't care about tearing apart a family(yes I know the married party is mostly to blame...but they are not here)....what kind of support do you give them?...oh wait...I know...you already said in another thread...."GO FOR IT!".

 

PS We all have eyes there is no point you sitting there trying to say "ohh we the BSs are only trying to help why do you want to argue"

Puuuuleeeze.

 

Oh Puuuuleeeeze yourself...I have never said anything like that...I call it like I see it and don't sugarcoat shi!t for anyone.

[Tomcat33]

Quote:

In my opinion I don't think BSs should be here at all who have a lot of pent up fresh anger, they have too many unresolved emotions and some are juts not in the frame of mind to offer support or constructive help at all.

Again...no way does anyone who wants to keep an affair going or doesn't give a crap about those they hurt deserve an ounce of support.

 

Quote:

PS We all have eyes there is no point you sitting there trying to say "ohh we the BSs are only trying to help why do you want to argue"

Puuuuleeeze.

Oh Puuuuleeeeze yourself...I have never said anything like that...I call it like I see it and don't sugarcoat shi!t for anyone.

 

 

well maybe you should have it out with the people who created this forum, because they decided that people who engage in As DO need support.

My undersanding is that

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 

I haven't read anywhere: Discussion and support for those who have seen the light, those who choose to stay in the A are to be lynched.

 

 

And the last comment was not directed at you it was for those that claim that I attack while others just have "differing points of views". I know you tell it like it is, and so do I and neither one of us cries mommny we debate our points and roll with the punches.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU advice to SC: GO AHEAD SC GET ANGRY ALL YOU WANT HERE THAT'S WHAT THIS IS FOR

 

You are twisting my words and putting your own spin on them. If you're gonna quote me, please do it correctly, thanks.

 

My quote was in reference to you letting loose and taking a pot shot at SC, so my comment was "Oh man, SC is gonna have a field day with this one." If you feel I was telling him to let loose on you, so be it. Remember, you dish it out, be prepared to have it thrown back your way...If you don't like someone's reply, ignore it.

 

Oh and my other comment about SC venting here and getting out his thoughts, you took out of context as well and misunderstood me. This is what I meant by him venting here - SC can vent about how pissed off he is with his wife, how much she let him down, how disappointed he is, how fed up he is etc...That is venting what is inside him so he doesn't have to go home with that build up anger inside him...If you read his posts in the infidelity section, then you would understand what I meant, instead of thinking I'm giving him the big ol' OK to bash people here...I am not doing that TC.

 

Look, you were the one who freaked out on me first, from DAY ONE, telling me I was harsh, I couldn't help anyone...Afew posters defended me and you disagreed. From DAY ONE you've been picking apart various posters because you don't like HOW Their advice is given...Forget the fact the message is there...

 

IF someone posts about an affair, yes, chances are they're gonna go through with it...But think about this TC, OBVIOUSLY an OW/OM who comes to LS and posts that they're falling inlove with a MM/MW and what should they do, IS asking for help. NOONE and I repeat NOONE is going to tell them to GO FOR IT! Everyone IS going to discourage them from getting involved. Hey, and if it doesn't work, it's their life, their choice, they suffer the consquences of their actions. Be responsible and take ownership for it once it blows up and a D-Day happens...

 

Atleast I WILL know I tried to help that poster see what a mistake they're about to make - Even if they choose to follow through with an affair. If someone really wanted to just go and have an affair they would DO IT and NOT POST ABOUT IT AT ALL.

 

Someone please quote my post so TC can read it. I'm pretty sure she has me on ignore, and I would like it if she read my post so she can read my reply.

Thanks.

[Tomcat33]

Please Read for Other Man/Other Woman Forum

Hi everyone,

 

I want to comment on a pattern I have noticed in some discussions here on LoveShack.org, especially those pertaining to relationships that involve infidelity.

 

LoveShack.org is an open community dedicated to providing advice and support for people with interpersonal relationship problems. As such, the community welcomes all views that are offered with a sincere wish to help. People have different styles, and different ideas about a given situation. Sarcasm, constructive criticism, and even respectfully voiced disapproval can all be appropriate -- provided they are employed with the intent of being helpful by providing insight or a different perspective that will help the poster with his or her dilemma.

 

However I've noticed that frequently in some discussions members respond to a post in order to voice their own emotions about a similar issue that they are involved in, or to validate their own feelings and choices, or even in some cases to simply berate, mock, or derogate the poster.

 

This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with people who already have commitments to other partners. It is certainly appropriate for people whose partners have been unfaithful to them to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner.

 

There you have it so if you are still having doubts as to why you are here, then maybe that should help.

Encouraging someone who BERTATES posters with angry personal insults "like people who decide to engage in A are skans whores scum of the earth" and name calling is NOT accepted, NO matter how much your CSand their OW/OM have hurt you!

 

therefore I stand firmly on my comment that if you are not in a place where you are ready to discuss things without leaving your anger aside, then maybe this is is not the forum for you. Encouraging those to BE angry here ARE just as uncooperative with the INTENT of what this forum is for.

 

There are tons of support forums for BSs so why not go there? I'll tell you why, because it feels a LOT better to come here and let out your frustrations on complete strangers who engage in similar situations as your CS.

[Tomcat33]

I agree with HN.

The other thing is, it's better SC come here and be bitter and angry. I am more and more convinced he does this here so he WON'T be as angry offline and at home.

 

 

I'm not twisting JACK. THAT is exactly what you said.

Or did you conveniently forget this little gem?

[whichwayisup]

You still don't understand and I don't think you want to understand. But, I am going to try...

 

Harsh advice is not rude advice. Telling a poster your opinion is not against the rules. By doing it respectfully, one can be harsh and give tough love. YOU seem to have a problem with it, especially with me and how I post reply to people. You've bashed me, personalized my replies to others which had nothing to do with you.

[vanilla chai]

Thats very true in most cases. I agree that BS get stuck handling most of the parental responsibilities. But not in all cases. My MM's W goes to bed at 6:30 every night. She spends about an hour 1/2 with her kid every day. MM spends between 3 and 4 hours, sometimes more, every day with his kid playing b.ball, lifting weights, running, x box, hockey, etc. and never comes to see me until he's asleep. He makes damn sure he is an excellent father. I can't name very many, if any, men that spend that much time with their kids even when they're NOT having an affair.

 

Cheating parents doesn't always mean they're bad ones. Even if divorce results. But I will admit more often then not the cheater slacks tremendously in the parenting department and the BS takes the brunt.

 

Lol so you know for a fact that the bw goes to bed this early,and how much time she spends with her child?

[whichwayisup]

I'm not twisting JACK. THAT is exactly what you said.

Or did you conveniently forget this little gem?

 

You misunderstood me, and please, why are you calling me Jack? You just posted about personal attacks and name calling...If you are going to address me at all, call me WWIU.

 

Please re-read my reply. Understand that THIS is what I meant when I said that. Even SC understood that, so you are putting your own spin on it.

 

This is what I meant by him venting here - SC can vent about how pissed off he is with his wife, how much she let him down, how disappointed he is, how fed up he is etc...That is venting what is inside him so he doesn't have to go home with that build up anger inside him...If you read his posts in the infidelity section, then you would understand what I meant, instead of thinking I'm giving him the big ol' OK to bash people here...I am not doing that TC.

[Tomcat33]

You misunderstood me, and please, why are you calling me Jack? You just posted about personal attacks and name calling...If you are going to address me at all, call me WWIU.

 

Please re-read my reply. Understand that THIS is what I meant when I said that. Even SC understood that, so you are putting your own spin on it.

 

 

I'm not calling you JACK LOL you've never heard the expression

"you don't know jack?"

 

it means you don't know anything

 

well saying: "I am not twisting JACK" means "I am not twisting anything"

 

Sorry but I don't do name calling, I may not agree I may be sarcastic but don't name call. The minute you name call, in my books, you've already lost your argument.

 

And as per what you meant, your comment was pretty straight forward call me crazy but to me that means exactly what it says

 

Originally Posted by whichwayisup

I agree with HN.

The other thing is, it's better SC come here and be bitter and angry. I am more and more convinced he does this here so he WON'T be as angry offline and at home.

 

 

 

 

GO AHEAD COME HERE AND BE AS BITTER AND ANGRY AS YOU WANT and if you read SC posts, which I'm sure you have, he tends to berate people who are in As by calling them names and hurling personal insults at them.

Both you and Here Now encouraged him it's in BLACK AND WHITE on PG 14

[whichwayisup]

I haven't had my first cup of coffee yet, lol.

 

I clicked on the link you put up and got a little blue thingy in the corner. Can you put the link up again? thanks.

 

GO AHEAD COME HERE AND BE AS BITTER AND ANGRY AS YOU WANT and if you read SC posts, which I'm sure you have, he tends to berate people who are in As by calling them names and hurling personal insults at them.

 

This is what I meant by him venting here - SC can vent about how pissed off he is with his wife, how much she let him down, how disappointed he is, how fed up he is etc...That is venting what is inside him so he doesn't have to go home with that build up anger inside him...If you read his posts in the infidelity section, then you would understand what I meant, instead of thinking I'm giving him the big ol' OK to bash people here...I am not doing that TC.

 

Coffee time...BBLater.

[vanilla chai]

My friend, his sister, does not know I am screwing her brother. I don't think she would care anyway. She doesn't like his W and thinks he should leave her. She thinks he should be with someone that actually loves him, sleeps in the same room, spends time with him, and every once in a while makes love to him. Their marital problems aren't a big secret. Plus, she wouldn't throw a stone in the glass house she lives in so she can relate to everything he's going through. Her situation is quite similar.

 

As far as having a friend like me: if my morality is such an issue to you then don't respond to my posts. I wouldn't want to associate myself, or claim to have a friend thats a self-righteous, judgmental person like you anyway. I never asked you to like me, or respect my choices and decisions and frankly I don't give a f*ck if you do or not. SO maybe you should take a look in the mirror, re-read your posts, and look at the type of person you portray(and probably are) yourself to be.

 

Was it you the one who said mm sleeps in the basement? If this is the case why in the heck would his wife want to sleep in the basement?

 

If the wife is so mean and nasty why doesn't dear old hubby leave her and move on to greener pastures?

[Tomcat33]

I haven't had my first cup of coffee yet, lol.

 

I clicked on the link you put up and got a little blue thingy in the corner. Can you put the link up again? thanks.

 

GO AHEAD COME HERE AND BE AS BITTER AND ANGRY AS YOU WANT and if you read SC posts, which I'm sure you have, he tends to berate people who are in As by calling them names and hurling personal insults at them.

 

This is what I meant by him venting here - SC can vent about how pissed off he is with his wife, how much she let him down, how disappointed he is, how fed up he is etc...That is venting what is inside him so he doesn't have to go home with that build up anger inside him...If you read his posts in the infidelity section, then you would understand what I meant, instead of thinking I'm giving him the big ol' OK to bash people here...I am not doing that TC.

 

Coffee time...BBLater.

 

 

Never mind the link, it's just part of the quote I copied, it's the link to the gif that let's you click on the QUOTE gif (I think) it's nothing...

 

 

Well no one is saying people should not voice their frustrations and anger with their situations, I am all for that, that is part of what a support forum is FOR. To let out the frustrations of ONE'S own personal sitiuation, keeping in the PERSONAL situation.

 

It's one thing to say:

 

"I hate my CS/ I hate the OW/OM who did this to me I am so angry at X..." etc...

 

than to say:

 

"OW/OM ARE WHOREs, SCUM, YOU HAVE NO MORALS Tomcat you are scum for what you did and people like you are scum, people like you deserve to be treated like crap. etc."

 

If a grown adult cannot see the difference between the two statements then maybe they should not be offering so many words of "helpful advice"

on here.

[vanilla chai]

Yeah they won't have an affair because that is classless, but hidiing behind a computer screen making the same rude insulting comments day in day out, takes a lot of class!

 

The irony just kills me.

 

Well if I saw you face to face I would say the same thing. My thoughts and feelings won't change because im behind a computer.

[Tomcat33]

Well if I saw you face to face I would say the same thing. My thoughts and feelings won't change because im behind a computer.

 

I did NOTHING to you personally so you think insulting me with a rude comment face to face is classy?

 

Again I love the irony of people's posts...

[greengoddess]

Tomcat since you are so bent on the rules of this area and what it is for I thought you might enjoy reading this post.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=93366&postcount=45

LOOK WHO WROTE IT!!!

It came from a thread with posters who do not approve of affairs and made their opinions known.

 

Here's the thread.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=21765

[Ladyjane14]

Lady, you're the one who doesn't fully understand what you are doing here:

But sometimes you've got to ask yourself, how much "support" are you really willing to offer to a person who 'uses their prerogative to hurt innocent bystanders'

 

not me. Your words not mine.

 

That pretty much sums it up very nicely right THERE.

 

Well, let me clarify that statement for you, since you're apparently having some kind of trouble putting the words in context.

 

Say, we've got a brand new OW posting. Let's call her Hypothetical New Poster or HNP for short, and we'll run through an imaginary post as an example...

 

HNP: I've been lurking for months on this forum and I'm currently having a romantic/sexual affair with a MM. My intention is to continue to do so, because it makes ME happy and I could give a rat's hind-end about anybody else who might be hurt or wounded by my actions. My goal is to get him to leave his wife and children, so that he can marry me and we can live happily ever after.

 

Now how much "support" should HPN be given on her position? Particularly when we bear in mind the dictionary definition of the word "support": ..."To aid the cause, policy, or interests of; To argue in favor of; advocate".

 

Or should we give her "discussion"? ..."Consideration of a subject by a group; an earnest conversation; A formal discourse on a topic; an exposition.

 

Now, certainly you can choose to "support" her by advocating her cause. That's your choice. I'm just saying that it says something about YOU when you elect to do so. And... is THAT who you are and what you're really here to say.... or are you just defending "the sisterhood"???

[whichwayisup]

"OW/OM ARE WHOREs, SCUM, YOU HAVE NO MORALS Tomcat you are scum for what you did and people like you are scum, people like you deserve to be treated like crap. etc."

 

If a grown adult cannot see the difference between the two statements then maybe they should not be offering so many words of "helpful advice"

on here.

 

If you stop and relax a minute TC, read what I said again.

 

If you read his posts in the infidelity section, then you would understand what I meant, instead of thinking I'm giving him the big ol' OK to bash people here...I am not doing that TC.

 

Once again, I was talking about HIM venting about HIS LIFE, not dumping on you or anyone else. I am telling you that is what I meant. If you don't believe me, so be it. That is your problem that you are not understanding what I meant.

 

Irony is you getting bent out of shape because you don't like how advice is given and you get pissed off at people, causing arguments. Almost EVERY SINGLE one of your posts in the past week have been heated and lead to heated discussions with various posters. If you want the arguing to slow down and stop, start focussing on HELPING the original posters, instead of thread stealing and pushing people around. Noone was arguing about much before you came along and jumped in. Now, almost every thread in the past 3 days have focussed on you and NOT the original poster because YOU are upset with harsh advice. You point fingers at everyone and want them to own up, but when it comes to you, you're innocent and say that everyone was rude to you first. NOONE was rude to you first. You picked at me right from day one, saying I was harsh and that I never gave helpful advice to ANYONE.

There's a big difference in giving someone harsh advice and being rude to posters.

 

ANyway, I'd rather spend my time helping someone than getting into it with you as it's not fair to the original poster to steal their thread. If you want to discuss this, start your own thread.

[vanilla chai]

Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you ARE partially responsible for the demise of his M...You were a willing participant in his deception and lies. You knew that he was M, that his W was unaware, until someone told...So...you can justify until the cows come home, but you ARE partially responsible and you WERE a willing participant...sorry to be so blunt, but I told you you can't go there w/ me...

 

The cheater will spend eternity trying to justify sleeping with someone elses mate.

[vanilla chai]

No... what I'm suggesting is that MAYBE there are other reasons for people to post the suggestion that a behavior which becomes hurtful should NOT be engaged in.

 

Not everyone who posts an anti-adultery message is a "bitter betrayed spouse", or venting their 'moral indignation', or (gasp!)... "JUDGING".

 

Maybe, just maybe... there are REAL people who believe that if a person is engaged in an action which is likely to result in hurt to himself/herself, they'd probably do well to STOP.

 

Don't you know that only bw/bh's get angry at the other person and lash out?

 

ITA that you don't have to be betrayed to have an opinion about adultery.

[Tomcat33]

HNP: I've been lurking for months on this forum and I'm currently having a romantic/sexual affair with a MM. My intention is to continue to do so, because it makes ME happy and I could give a rat's hind-end about anybody else who might be hurt or wounded by my actions. My goal is to get him to leave his wife and children, so that he can marry me and we can live happily ever after.

 

And this has WHAT to do with the people here in this very thread, who have voiced their opinions and don't feel it's fair to be attacked personally, and called blanket names and insults?

 

But sometimes you've got to ask yourself, how much "support" are you really willing to offer to a person who 'uses their prerogative to hurt innocent bystanders'

 

If you've been a CS, and OW/OM at some point you have used YOUR prerogative to hurt an innocent bystander therefore EVERY single person who knowingly engaged in an EA or an A falls under your blanket statement's category. At least it did when you made that statement.

 

Now that you offered a specific example I can see what you meant, but again. that person's post has WHAT to do with this thread and the people posting here who are being insulted?

 

AND I don't have problems putting things in context I just can't read your mind.

[vanilla chai]

And another thing, in my field I work with a lot of high profile people who are on the road for extended periods of time, the majority are either seperated, divorrved or on the way to getting a divorce, the only ones that managed to maintaing a good home life are the ones that decided their families were more important than their jobs and transfered positions to lead a more stable life.

 

Sorry but if what you want is to devote all your time to your work living out of suitcase and popping in every so often to make sure you still have a family, well don't be surprised if your family skips out on you. If you let them manage on their own without you they WILL manage without you and realise there is no need to have you around. It's just impossible to maintain a healthy relationship when you are absent from your home for extended periods of time.

 

All I have read is what she did/doing but where is her hubbys responsibility? This woman was obviously working for her family while her hubby was sleeping with you.