So it's D-Day

[Salicious Crumb]

Even if I hated this mans guts and thought of him as a crappy human being, which at times I wonder, I wouldn't consider him cheating on his son. Or any person that cheats for that matter as cheating on their children. .

 

I disagree...you are hurting someone dear to your childrens' heart.

 

A friend of mine refuses to speak to his mother this day for cheating on his father and ultimately causing them to divorce. He said he felt cheated on too and that he didn't think 2 shi!ts of him or his sister to keep from spreading her legs for another man other than his father.

[Ruby Tuesday]

No, it's not okay SC, but for now, it's just whatever.

 

Your words have all fallen onto deaf ears.

 

You know perfectly well that affair-minded folks will say or do just about anything to justify their affair. Even if that means sacrificing their own child's innocence or somebody elses child. Thats a grave responsibility they are only too blind to see. My own husband used our own children as cover for his affair. It made complete sense to him and his OW.

 

But of course, only the AP's can make sense out of complete nonsense.

 

And nothing about an affair makes any sense to us.

 

It's like knowing there is going to be a car crash, but theres nothing we can do to prevent it from happening anyway.

 

Just like Tomcat blames her MM's wife for working too much, but no one ever blames themselves for getting into the situation until the affair is over. The MM bouncing back and forth between family and AP. They're all just burning their bridges as fast as they can build them.

 

In the end, the twists and turns will eventually take their toll and thats when BabyBird will break. This MM is not leaving his M of twenty years, his child or the home he built for a co-worker. It would have to take a miracle to make that happen in this lifetime.

[GreenEyedLady]

BB: You should enable your PM's...

[Babybird]

GEL: Its enabled now.

 

I agree that an affair can be emotionally traumatic for a child...if they find out. If neither the wife or the child find out then the effects of a divorce would be just that..the effects of a divorce. They're never easy on spouse or child regardless of whether or not an affair was an issue. I still disagree with cheating on the spouse is cheating on the child. It could hurt the child, yes I agree. The vows that everyone so vehemently reminds you of were made between the man and the woman. Not the man/woman and the child. My exH cheated on me and I have never considered him cheating on his children. Nor will they ever know he did that. I would never tell them and risk his image as a father changing in their eyes. He is a fantastic father. We were a lousy couple. The MM/MW that uses their children as a cover to see the OP is a POS and I can totally see how that child wold feel lied to and betrayed.

 

He might not leave his wife or his child and I have come to terms with that. I also have a time limit that I will follow. I'm not going to give an ultimatum and if he choses to leave then it will be his choice, not because anyone is forcing him. Before I even met him he talked about how miserable he was, and how when his son was older he would leave his wife. His decision hasn't been altered, at least too much, because of his affair. He has still been sleeping in the basement for the past few years, he has always complained about the lack of sex, he has always said that he wasn't in love with his wife and she wasn't in love with him, and has always said that he was staying for his son and his son alone. This is common to knowledge to anyone that knows him as a friend. His son is aware of how miserable his father is and the way that they live as man and wife isn't the way a healthy marriage should be. They've talked about it in great detail. He doesn't want his son to settle into a loveless marriage like his.

 

The words of the people are not falling on deaf ears. I read, and think about everything that is written. I'm not justifying my affair. I don't have to. The opinions of the people here have changed the way that I think about certain things. Certain things have not changed nor will they because I am having an affair.

 

As far as the companies policies go: yes it is my family's, there is nothing in the policies and procedures that say employees can't date, or employees can't date other employees because they're married. Until a R starts effecting an employees job performance what are they gonna do?? Legally they can't do anything. Terminating an employee because they're having an extramarital affair...come on that's a lawsuit waiting to happen. Besides people don't know...they just suspect there might be something more than friendship.

[outofdarkness]

This one is just alittle too heated for me..BUT I will add a few thoughts. First, yes, I do firmly believe that if the MM is cheating on his W, he is also cheating on his children. The honorable thing to do if one is unhappy, is to be a man, say it to his W and ask for a D...BEFORE getting involved w/ OW...I know this doesn't always happen, but it's the best way for all involved...So..I don't buy into all of the excuses about staying for the kids, etc...on MM's part said to OW that is..If he was so concerned about his kids, he'd be honest w/ his W and say so, and either make an attempt to fix the M or get a D...In MY case, my H actually did take my kids, then babies, on many outings w/ OWs...This is not the case w/ all MM in A's, but it does happen and it's devastating.

 

I wish these kids who have to find out their parent have cheated, could post...They would tell you of the pain of knowing that one of the people that they love more then anything in the world has cheated w/ OP then the child's other parent. It's devastating..They feel betrayed, hurt, conflicted, confused about R's in general; this is especially true once the kids get older, and mostly they blame themselves...Yes, this IS true!

 

Good luck w/ your post D day adventures...You're in for some sort of ride..I never confronted my H's main OW or any of the others, but the did their share of messing w/ me...Also, I now think that he just put them off or they had plans in place for a D day, so that he could just resume later and/ or he wouldn't have to risk me and the kids finding out what really happened...It's hard to teach an old cheating dog, new tricks. I don't think they ever really totally change, but they CAN make a genuine effort.

[NoIDidn't]

The vows that everyone so vehemently reminds you of were made between the man and the woman. Not the man/woman and the child.

 

BB

 

I interpreted my vows to include the children that weren't yet born. My vows implied that the bond (promise we made) between us was to extend to any children born to our union. We vowed to create and maintain a stable, healthy environment for the bringing up of our children.

 

I do understand, though, that people's views change after going through a D. But even in that case, children are people too and just as likely to feel betrayed if they see their family structure crashing around them due to their parents (one of them, or both of them) actions.

[Tomcat33]

I interpreted my vows to include the children that weren't yet born. My vows implied that the bond (promise we made) between us was to extend to any children born to our union. We vowed to create and maintain a stable, healthy environment for the bringing up of our children.

 

So just for argument's sake let's take the cheating out of the equation.

When a couple goes through divorce do they also divorce the children?

 

I agree that an affair is very damaging for a child, no matter how you slice it. No child should EVER be put through that. That breaks my heart.

[Babybird]

BB

 

I interpreted my vows to include the children that weren't yet born. My vows implied that the bond (promise we made) between us was to extend to any children born to our union. We vowed to create and maintain a stable, healthy environment for the bringing up of our children.

 

I do understand, though, that people's views change after going through a D. But even in that case, children are people too and just as likely to feel betrayed if they see their family structure crashing around them due to their parents (one of them, or both of them) actions.

 

Totally agree that they feel betrayed but I'm having a hard time distinguishing the difference between the actions that involve an A and the actions the create the environment prior to a divorce(fighting, screaming, yelling, possible abuse etc.). Any which way you look at it the child will feel hurt and possibly betrayed in a divorce. They could also blame themselves.

 

I guess I never considered children part of my vows because even though I am a mother I considered being a wife another aspect of myself. My identity doesn't always consist of being a spouse, mother, daughter, woman, employee, co-worker, sister, friend all at once. Sometime you have to focus on one part of yourself. Does that make sense? That is what a marriage vow was to me. The wife and the husband, man and woman. (Yes I realize that says husband and wife not husband and mistress )

 

Good point Tomcat!! No you do not divorce your children but you will hear things like when you leave for OP then you are divorcing your children because you're making a choice to abandon your family. But you should've got a divorce before meeting her because then your not abandoning your family. SO in a round about way it sounds like whoever has the affair and/OR files for divorces is breaking their vows to the spouse and children and divorcing the spouse and children. Hmmmm.....

[Tomcat33]

I guess I never considered children part of my vows because even though I am a mother I considered being a wife another aspect of myself. My identity doesn't always consist of being a spouse, mother, daughter, woman, employee, co-worker, sister, friend all at once. Sometime you have to focus on one part of yourself. Does that make sense? That is what a marriage vow was to me. The wife and the husband, man and woman. (Yes I realize that says husband and wife not husband and mistress )

 

Good point Tomcat!! No you do not divorce your children but you will hear things like when you leave for OP then you are divorcing your children because you're making a choice to abandon your family. But you should've got a divorce before meeting her because then your not abandoning your family. SO in a round about way it sounds like whoever has the affair and/OR files for divorces is breaking their vows to the spouse and children and divorcing the spouse and children

 

Well said!

 

In addition to that last point, if two people decided on divorce having children in the family, and one of the partners decides to start dating shortly there after, there is no reason why that partner cannot still be a mother/father to their child. The parent that did not move on would eventually explain to that child that said parent has a new love, partner however you want to name it. cool? great.

 

Now in the event that an affair happens often times the children are brought in to the whole mess to by the BS to point out what a BAS@#$D the cheating parent was. What is the point of that why are the children used and plotted against the betraying spouse only because the betrayed cannot handle the grief? Is that in any way healthy for the child? Why not spare them from the truth until they are old enough to understand, if the child's best interest is what's at stake? Because more often than not children are used as wild cards to ease the mess the parents create.

[Salicious Crumb]

Now in the event that an affair happens often times the children are brought in to the whole mess to by the BS to point out what a BAS@#$D the cheating parent was.

 

Uh no...the children are dealing with a divorce because of what the cheater did.....its irrelevant as to whose side of the story they listen to.

[norajane]

Now in the event that an affair happens often times the children are brought in to the whole mess to by the BS to point out what a BAS@#$D the cheating parent was. What is the point of that

 

Because it's quite often the case those WS's are spending time with their OW/OM instead of at home with the children, often leaving the BS to care for them while they go off screwing around. The kids get the short end of the parenting stick when the WS divides his/her energy between two households. There's only so much time and energy to go around.

 

Affairs happen in a person's free time, not work time. So yes, if they spend their free time at someone else's house or a hotel trysting with someone else, that is time they are shortchanging their kids.

[Babybird]

Uh no...the children are dealing with a divorce because of what the cheater did.....its irrelevant as to whose side of the story they listen to.

 

That is not true. The divorce is most likely because an A happened but I will go back to it takes two to make and break a M. The person cheats for a reason and I don't care if sex is the only reason, there is one!!! One person cheats, forgive or move on. End of story.

 

It is totally relevant whose side of the story they listen to. The children should never be told period if their parent cheats. Its none of the children's business. If the BS is telling the children that their parent cheated it IS because they are pissed off and probably trying to win affection from the child and take it away from the cheater. Come on now. Be realistic. The cheater would most likely tell the child they stayed for them. How is that going to make them feel. They shouldn't know.

 

SC: If you and your wife split are you going to tell your children its because she cheated before you were married? DO you think thats something they need to, or should know? And if your answer is yes, WHY?

[whichwayisup]

Most kids find out on their own anyway. Children have a way of 'hearing' or 'seeing' things without their folks knowing.

 

BB, you're opening up a huge can of worms with SC, just FYI....And besides, this thread isn't about SC.

[outofdarkness]

Because it's quite often the case those WS's are spending time with their OW/OM instead of at home with the children, often leaving the BS to care for them while they go off screwing around. The kids get the short end of the parenting stick when the WS divides his/her energy between two households. There's only so much time and energy to go around.

 

Affairs happen in a person's free time, not work time. So yes, if they spend their free time at someone else's house or a hotel trysting with someone else, that is time they are shortchanging their kids.

Such a good point and so simply stated! I would have tried to say the same thing and rambled on and one. I remember one time on a sunny Sunday Afternoon when the kids were round 2 and 3, and I had taken them to the park..alone of course b/c H was working so hard to get ahead in his company...It was quite a chore to load them up and get all ready and then settled...Then to keep an eye on them at 11 months apart was hair splitting...I had gone chasing after our one two year old son when in a split second, our three year old daughter had climbed the fire pole and plummeted to the ground. By the time I ran back over, she had a nasty cut under her eye that is still visible today at 16! Every time I look at it now, I get angry and start to tear up b/c I was so sure that I was doing what my H and I had lovingly agreed upon when we married....Taking care of the kids while he built up his career...Then when they were old enough, he would do the same for me...Although there would not be as much to do as when they were babies. When D day struck, I was sooo devastated for obvious reasons, but one of the things that kept popping into my head was that I had such a hard time when they were babies and 11 months apart and had virtually NO help from him b/c I THOUGHT he was working...I then knew that he had been w/ the main OW every wknd, at the condo HE had bought for her right around the corner from where our kids went to school pre and elementary and across the street from where I grocery shopped! I was livid and humiliated and sooo hurt. We had even attended MC in a building that shares a parking lot w/ her condo in the beg. of the A when he was behaving in a very odd and sort of irritable and mean way....Guess they got a REALLY good laugh out of THAT one!!!

 

Anyway, I did want to point out that yes, they do spend much time w/ their OW's when they could be w/ the kids and W...Sometimes, my H would just go to the condo to sit, have a beer, watch alittle on the tube and take a nap...It's maddening, isn't it?

[smartgirl]

My situation is not quite what you all are talking about, because I was an adult when I found out my father had been having a long-term A. We found out when he died suddenly and of course, hadn't been able to clean up all the evidence first. I idolized him. Now, 10 years later, I still just feel disgusted. I will never get over this and I will never think of him in the same way again.

 

I cannot tell you how betrayed I felt. Not because he was "leaving me" but because of all the lies. No child, no matter what age, wants to think of their parent as a liar and a cheat. It robs you of the sense of security and safety that a parent can give you.

 

I know two sisters whose father cheated on their mother and left them for the OW. They were teens at the time. They both got married, quickly divorced and have spent the bulk of their adult life only dating married men and trying to get them to leave their wives for them. That sounds like some really deep, messed up psychological stuff to me.

 

Any other children of WS out there?

[Babybird]

Because it's quite often the case those WS's are spending time with their OW/OM instead of at home with the children, often leaving the BS to care for them while they go off screwing around. The kids get the short end of the parenting stick when the WS divides his/her energy between two households. There's only so much time and energy to go around.

 

Affairs happen in a person's free time, not work time. So yes, if they spend their free time at someone else's house or a hotel trysting with someone else, that is time they are shortchanging their kids.

 

Thats very true in most cases. I agree that BS get stuck handling most of the parental responsibilities. But not in all cases. My MM's W goes to bed at 6:30 every night. She spends about an hour 1/2 with her kid every day. MM spends between 3 and 4 hours, sometimes more, every day with his kid playing b.ball, lifting weights, running, x box, hockey, etc. and never comes to see me until he's asleep. He makes damn sure he is an excellent father. I can't name very many, if any, men that spend that much time with their kids even when they're NOT having an affair.

 

Cheating parents doesn't always mean they're bad ones. Even if divorce results. But I will admit more often then not the cheater slacks tremendously in the parenting department and the BS takes the brunt.

[whichwayisup]

My MM's W goes to bed at 6:30 every night. She spends about an hour 1/2 with her kid every day

 

She spends about an hour 1/2 with her kid every day.

 

Yeah, right. So HE tells you...Remember, have YOU seen this with your very own eyes? Just seems "my MM said this, my MM said that" and you eat it up like he's the King.

 

And, who spends time with the children when he's with you?

[outofdarkness]

My situation is not quite what you all are talking about, because I was an adult when I found out my father had been having a long-term A. We found out when he died suddenly and of course, hadn't been able to clean up all the evidence first. I idolized him. Now, 10 years later, I still just feel disgusted. I will never get over this and I will never think of him in the same way again.

 

I cannot tell you how betrayed I felt. Not because he was "leaving me" but because of all the lies. No child, no matter what age, wants to think of their parent as a liar and a cheat. It robs you of the sense of security and safety that a parent can give you.

 

I know two sisters whose father cheated on their mother and left them for the OW. They were teens at the time. They both got married, quickly divorced and have spent the bulk of their adult life only dating married men and trying to get them to leave their wives for them. That sounds like some really deep, messed up psychological stuff to me.

 

Any other children of WS out there?

Your post touched my heart and brought up many painful memories for me...My Dad cheated too..I am now older; sorry ya'll not quite ready to totally reveal my age, but I didn't find out until after I M and had kids...Not only did he cheat but he is also transgendered...He had been living a total double life! I never idolized my Dad, as I am a very perceptive person and always knew something was wrong. He had many problems. Even so, it was devastating to find out that he had hurt my Mother and myself and Sisters so badly...The hurt came from knowing how he had been lying to us for so long, as you said. No matter what the age, when you find out a parent has cheated, it's so hurtful and traumatizing. My parent's had been M for almost 35 years!

 

I THOUGHT I was marrying the one person that was totally opposite of my Dad..I THOUGHT he was so responsible, faithful, loving, etc...As most know on this forum, I found out 2.5 years ago that my H had been cheating for 10 years via a letter that came in the mail. In looking back, there were signs that were there, but he was a VERY good liar, I was young and naive and very much in love. I believed everything he told me, just as my Mother did. My Mother apparently recognized something in him that I did not when we met in high school and finally M after grad school. She discouraged the R and always told me that even though he was quiet and unassuming, there was "something" about him that bothered her...I was defiant and sooo sure that "I" knew everything and what was best for me. I wish I had listened to her!!

 

We now have a 16 year old daughter; the same age that I met my H, and I tell her over and over that if she does get involved w/ someone who seems controling in any way or if she just has an odd feeling to PLEASE do some checking on him. I tell her to be prepared to take care of herself by having a stable career, reliable transportation, her own support system, etc..So that SHE feels empowered...The old saying that we "marry our Dads", does, it would seem hold true, at least for some of us.

 

Girls...LISTEN TO YOUR GUT AND FGS, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHERS!!!!!

[outofdarkness]

Thats very true in most cases. I agree that BS get stuck handling most of the parental responsibilities. But not in all cases. My MM's W goes to bed at 6:30 every night. She spends about an hour 1/2 with her kid every day. MM spends between 3 and 4 hours, sometimes more, every day with his kid playing b.ball, lifting weights, running, x box, hockey, etc. and never comes to see me until he's asleep. He makes damn sure he is an excellent father. I can't name very many, if any, men that spend that much time with their kids even when they're NOT having an affair.

 

Cheating parents doesn't always mean they're bad ones. Even if divorce results. But I will admit more often then not the cheater slacks tremendously in the parenting department and the BS takes the brunt.

I really hope that your MM IS indeed being honest w/you..If so, you would be the exception to the rule. Yes, on occasion, it DOES happen but not very often. Your story is a familiar one to many BS on LS..Your posts are very well thought out, articulate and written as if you a very self assured woman. Hopefully, you really ARE, and will get yourself out of a bad situation and head off the hurt that you will most likely feel at some point on down the road.

 

I respectfully disagree that cheaters are good fathers. By default, they cannot be good Fathers simply because they have cheated on one of the two people that they love and trust more then anything in this world. It's not so much their actions w/ the kids...They can take them to the park, ball games, etc., until the cows come home, but the simple fact that they are cheating is STILL there. No matter what spin you put on it or how hard the MM tries, he is still a liar and a cheater...Yes, kids ARE very perceptive, they DO know when something is wrong. So...WHY cheat? If you're unhappy in your M, why not take the adult way out and simply be honest w/ your S and ask for a D? BEFORE the cheating takes place. So many OW on this forum have clearly said that many times, the cheating begins as an EA or just friends, so when you all realize that there are feelings developing beyond friendship, isn't it time to be honest and do things the right way? I have never understood this. My Sister met someone online, cheated and left her 5 year old son and H to be with her OM, ...So my question to her has always been, why didn't you just ask him for a D? She has never been able to give me a clear answer, and my EXBIL and nephew have had many problems and suffered so much hurt and trauma as a direct result of her actions.

 

These are JMHO!!!

[greengoddess]

That is not true. The divorce is most likely because an A happened but I will go back to it takes two to make and break a M. The person cheats for a reason and I don't care if sex is the only reason, there is one!!! One person cheats, forgive or move on. End of story.

 

It is totally relevant whose side of the story they listen to. The children should never be told period if their parent cheats. Its none of the children's business. If the BS is telling the children that their parent cheated it IS because they are pissed off and probably trying to win affection from the child and take it away from the cheater. Come on now. Be realistic. The cheater would most likely tell the child they stayed for them. How is that going to make them feel. They shouldn't know.

 

SC: If you and your wife split are you going to tell your children its because she cheated before you were married? DO you think thats something they need to, or should know? And if your answer is yes, WHY?

 

WOW if that isn't painted with a bitter brush. So what should the bs do? Lie to the children? I just had this conversation with MY CHEATER husband. Former cheater. yea whatever. I love my husband. Really love him and he insists he feels the same about me and always has for me too. He is begging me to forget and love him like I did. I have a huge fear that I will never ever get over this and sometimes think it would be easier to just separate and end the pain I feel daily when I look into his eyes i loved so much. So i asked him what do we tell the kids if I can't handle this? They are young teens. They can see we still love each other. He said just that we fight all the time and do not love each other any more. Well that is not fair to me. I LOVE HIM. Why should I lie to my kids and tell them I don't love their dad anymore? That's not fair to me or the kids.

 

I ask myself daily can I really say goodbye to someone I love with all my heart and then I ask myself can I really deal with this betrayal everytime I look at him? I'm in a holding pattern right now and he is so happy. He thinks I;m ok for the moment. I just wish I was.

 

My kids will be crushed and feel so let down by their dad. I can't do that to him but I also can not look my kids in the eyes and tell them I don't love their dad.

[outofdarkness]

WOW if that isn't painted with a bitter brush. So what should the bs do? Lie to the children? I just had this conversation with MY CHEATER husband. Former cheater. yea whatever. I love my husband. Really love him and he insists he feels the same about me and always has for me too. He is begging me to forget and love him like I did. I have a huge fear that I will never ever get over this and sometimes think it would be easier to just separate and end the pain I feel daily when I look into his eyes i loved so much. So i asked him what do we tell the kids if I can't handle this? They are young teens. They can see we still love each other. He said just that we fight all the time and do not love each other any more. Well that is not fair to me. I LOVE HIM. Why should I lie to my kids and tell them I don't love their dad anymore? That's not fair to me or the kids.

 

I ask myself daily can I really say goodbye to someone I love with all my heart and then I ask myself can I really deal with this betrayal everytime I look at him? I'm in a holding pattern right now and he is so happy. He thinks I;m ok for the moment. I just wish I was.

 

My kids will be crushed and feel so let down by their dad. I can't do that to him but I also can not look my kids in the eyes and tell them I don't love their dad.

Don't tell them that!!!! I asked my H to leave on D day..Our kids were pre teens at the time, and I was advised by a professional to highly 'suggest" that my H tell them that he was leaving quite simply b/c he cheated on Mom for a very long time, that he was extremely sorry and loved them both dearly. They were and still are very hurt, but they DO know the truth, and they certainly don't blame ME!! JMHO...

[greengoddess]

Don't tell them that!!!! I asked my H to leave on D day..Our kids were pre teens at the time, and I was advised by a professional to highly 'suggest" that my H tell them that he was leaving quite simply b/c he cheated on Mom for a very long time, that he was extremely sorry and loved them both dearly. They were and still are very hurt, but they DO know the truth, and they certainly don't blame ME!! JMHO...

 

Do they still respect their dad? my kids really look up to him. I don't want dad to be shattered in their eyes. This is what keeps me sucking up my pain every single day and the fact my husband is doing all the right things and really does show me he loves me with just the little things not just words. I just don't know if I will ever look at him the same again. My perfect loving husband is flawed.

 

He's still an incredible dad.

[bonehead]

He's still an incredible dad.

 

I just want to say thank you. Its not often you see someone say " he sucks as a husband but he is an incredible dad".

 

your ability to see that and seperate the two will serve your children well no matter what happens.

[outofdarkness]

Do they still respect their dad? my kids really look up to him. I don't want dad to be shattered in their eyes. This is what keeps me sucking up my pain every single day and the fact my husband is doing all the right things and really does show me he loves me with just the little things not just words. I just don't know if I will ever look at him the same again. My perfect loving husband is flawed.

 

He's still an incredible dad.

You would really have to read some of my posts in order for me to answer that question for you. My situation is unique, as all are, but mine is especially complicated and hard to follow. I WILL say that he is working hard to earn back that trust...It takes time, and in my opinion, no healing can take place until/if the truth comes out. Had our kids been any younger, I don't think the advice given to me would have been the same, but we felt that they were old enough to know the truth and that it would help to explain many confusing and hurtful things that have gone on throughout the years that they blamed themselves for..

[PoshPrincess]

I have to say that I agree with Green Goddess and Baby Bird who say that a cheater doesn't necessarily make a bad father. Of course, a person who is unhappy in their M should leave rather than cheat but that's easy to say. Despite the fact that I am no longer with my exMM, I would still never dispute the fact that he was a great Dad. That is why he is still there and not with me and I totally admire him for that. Maybe some of you think I am just looking at things through rose tinted glasses but I know him!

 

OOD, I think your experiences are pretty extreme, with both your father and your H. You have been through a hell of a lot, as have your kids. It takes a very strong person to come out the other side from something as serious as you have been through. We all know that not all MMs involve their kids in their EMAs (pretty unforgiveable IMO), neither do the majority of them set their OW up with a property. Yes, some of them are serial cheaters, some of them are totally incapable of keeping it in their pants, but some are just in the wrong R (maybe not wrong at the time they got married but people DO grow apart). Others just happen to fall in love with someone else. I am not excusing cheating - there IS no excuse - but there is often a reason. The good we can take from this is that lots of MM learn from their As. Ok, some, like my MM, go back despite being unhappy 'for the sake of the kids' blah de blah....but some realise they have made a mistake in having an A and try desperately hard to prepare the damage. I'm not saying I would forgive an A myself (but of course I don't know until I am in that position) but they have to be given some credit for trying to make amends.

 

As far as kids having respect for their cheating parent, who knows? I have my suspicions that my father cheated on my mother. All he has admitted was that he 'confided' in a 'female friend' which was hurtful enough (and I don't think he ever admitted any of that to my Mum!) He has done far worse things to betray me and my brother than cheating on my Mum anyway. They are all aimed AT my Mum but affect us indirectly. I still love my Dad but I have no respect for him whatsoever and I now know him for what he is. I am expecting a marriage announcement re him and his current gf of 3 years some time soon and I am not particularly happy about it. That's not for my Mum's sake, mine, my brother's or even my Dad's. It's his gf I feel sorry for!