Ex contacts me every 3 months or so and breaks my heart

[smile95]

Ok...some of you may know me, but it has been a while since I have been on this site.

 

I dated a guy (long dist)who was emotionally horrible to me, but we were in love and we did have a greeat connection. He is too busy to have a relationship and after 3.5 yrs, we ended it. Well, he just decided to ignore me and I was a mess for a yr. I finally gave up and moved on and then he decides to contact me every once in a while via email or text. Of course I reply, bcz I love him and I keep hoping he wants US again. he does not. He just replies and then ignores me again. This has happened so many times and each time it hurts me. Each time I swear next time I will not reply and I do. I know I need to stop replying, but can someone please tell me why he still contacts me? Is he keeping me there in case one day he decides to settle down? Or is this a game? I do not contact my exes? The part that hurts is he acts nice and sweet and then all of a sudden he stops replying? What would happen if I never replied to his first contact? I just get sad bcz I know I have to let him go, but he makes it hard when he still contacts me. I am too hopeful and I have a fantasy made up of what I want to happen.

 

OK I am rambling. I just need some help on what to do next to stop being sad and missing him? I do so well and then BOOM he contacts me. I hope next time I can ignore him, but it is hard.

 

GUYS: Why would you do this to a girl you once loved and dated for so long? Is it control? Is it to see if he COULD have me agian?

 

GALS: How do you forget the good times...he really was not a nice boyfriend and I could not count on him, but I do love him and miss the good times?

[Island Girl]

GALS: How do you forget the good times...he really was not a nice boyfriend and I could not count on him, but I do love him and miss the good times?

 

You couldn't count on him and he wasn't a nice boyfriend.

 

What "good times"?

 

You need to block his e-mails -- block him from any contact and move on.

 

He is probably contacting you wondering if you are still hung up on him. And you confirm it -- he gets an ego boost and shuts down.

 

He is NOT contacting you out of actual care and consideration.

 

You need to get over him -- get past the relationship -- move on.

 

As long as you leave that door open he can pop up anytime and it is keeping you wrapped up in this loser.

[smile95]

thanks....you are 100% right. I allow it, so he will continue. Can it really be an ego boost just by me replying in a short email? In my head, he thinks....wow after all I did to her, she still is nice to me.....

 

It is confusing when your heart and head fight. I know that I cannot marry this man, so you are right, I need to block him. Sadly, I get excited when I hear from him. He relaly is not coming back saying he wants to be with me, so what is the point in replying. He never was mean verbally or physically, but WOW he used to neglect me and ignore me when I needed him most. That hurts. My mind is only recalling the fun times and I hate that.

 

Thanks for your input. I guess maybe he does get something out of it. Do you think if I ignore him, he will stop?

[Island Girl]

In my head, he thinks....wow after all I did to her, she still is nice to me.....

 

Exactly. And then he treats you like crap again. Waits. And then gets even more of a boost the next time. Sick bastard.

 

He never was mean verbally or physically, but WOW he used to neglect me and ignore me when I needed him most. That hurts.

 

Of course it hurts. He is a jerk. Not worthy of responding to. Why you can't see that -- I don't know but you need to bolster your self esteem most definitely. He has really done a number on you.

 

Do you think if I ignore him, he will stop?

 

You need to BLOCK him from all contact so you can't even see if he is trying to contact you. Don't you deserve more? What kicks do you get from him contacting you and then ignoring you?

 

My guess is this has gone on a few times. Every time ending up the same way. So you know you can expect contact and then feeling shut out, ignored, and unimportant.

 

Why would you continually put yourself through that? Self esteem problems. So work on those and don't let another episode of this tear you down any further.

 

Block him from all contact and get on with your life.

[Poboy]

he wants you to chase him and make the move .

block him off totally and move on...

[Art_Critic]

You have to not reply to him or he will never stop contacting you.

 

I had a GF a few years ago that after we broke up I tried emailing her and she never replied back.. After a few sporadic emails throughout a year I finally gave up..

I only stopped because she never replied.. had she replied I would've kept emailing her back..

 

Block him.. and if you can't block hi then just delete the email the next time it comes..

 

Forget the chump B...

[Art_Critic]

he wants you to chase him and make the move .

block him off totally and move on...

 

While I agree you need to block him you know with your past experience with this guy that he doesn't want you to chase him..

 

You will get your heart broken each time he does his disappearing act..If you chase he will stop speaking to you..

 

So just stop speaking to him.

[norajane]

I know I need to stop replying, but can someone please tell me why he still contacts me? Is he keeping me there in case one day he decides to settle down? Or is this a game? The part that hurts is he acts nice and sweet and then all of a sudden he stops replying?

 

It's not about him one day settling down with you - if that were the case, he wouldn't just drop you after you text. He'd be treating you with much more courtesy and concern and it wouldn't be limited to a text or two every 3 months - he'd be calling every now and then so you actually talk and have time to catch up. He'd be a real friend.

 

He's texting to check to see if he's still got you - maybe he needs that ego boost right then, and once he gets it, it's enough to drop you again.

 

What would happen if I never replied to his first contact?

 

The ONLY way to find out is not to reply. If you keep replying, he knows that you are still 'waiting' for him to some degree, you are still 'allowing' him to treat you as he wants.

 

The only way to move on is to truly move on. You hate how you feel after he drops you each time he texts - keep that in mind next time.

[smile95]

Thanks everyone....it has happened MANY times and all the same way. He contracts. I reply once or twice. He runs. It is my our fault for letting it happen over and over. I can control this. I guess it is just my brain hoping that he will come back and we will be fine agian. I have to give that up. It is a fantasy.

[smile95]

art-if he does not want me to chase him, what DOES he want? I guess I do not get HIS payoff? Or as someone said, what is mine? It ends up the same each time? Why do I think it will change!? I am more frustrated with my self for being hopeful than with him for doing this once in a while?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

 

Sorry to see you are still in the same situation, even after a couple of years. Hopefully you'll eventually be able to break this pattern and move on. I can tell you this though. You don't break a pattern by staying in one.

[smile95]

i think I have improved a little. I never initiate the contact. I have dated and I even feel good again until I hear from him. And really, I have not even soken to him in almost a year, so I think it is getting better. Now it is just up to ME to see that I can control this now by takig the step to give up on this and face reality. My own mind is responsible for a lot of this. I have fantasys and dreams about us getting back and that is not healthy. I guess he feeds the dreams when he does this. If I don't get a hold of this, I will be on here in a yr saying the same.

[smile95]

holy crap! I just had a major wake up call

 

thanks LB

 

How freaking sick is it that this is now going on for almost 2 yrs and the same crap!!!!!!!!!!!

 

thanks. I never realized that it has been this way for so long. I did, but that really opened my eyes!

[smile95]

I am starting to think that I have 0 self esteem. i hate that he does not want me. I have to just deal with it already!

[goodguy123]

I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same exact position. I am constantly thinking about my ex and she always calls me every few weeks or so. For a while, she was even calling me every day, and I kept getting my hopes up, and I'm sure you know how that goes.

 

Last time she called she even asked me why I never call her, and why I never come into her work which I really didn't know how to answer. Yet everytime I bring something up about us getting back together she will say something to crush me.

 

I would do anything in the world for this girl, but I don't know what she wants from me. I completely understand the situation you are in.

[Island Girl]

I am starting to think that I have 0 self esteem. i hate that he does not want me. I have to just deal with it already!

 

I think you suffer from low self esteem too.

 

You are looking at the problem from the wrong direction.

 

He is a selfish, cold-hearted, egocentric, incapable, childish, scum of the Earth LOSER.

 

Why would you want HIM?!!

 

If he is such an idiot that he can't see past the nose on his face -- aren't you lucky that you AREN'T with him?!!

 

If he was thoughtless and nonsupporting as a boyfriend then didn't he do you a favor by letting you go to find someone else who is all that you want and possibly more?

 

It is HIS LOSS.

 

He sounds like one of the walking dead -- you know -- broken and incapable of a true emotional connection with someone.

 

That is HIS problem. Don't make it yours.

 

You are not unlovable - he is unable to love.

 

Screw him. Let him live the rest of his life unhappy and playing games.

 

You don't have to.

 

Work on yourself. If this has been going on for 2 years (MY GAWD) then you have a lot of growing to do.

 

Your attitude should be:

 

I am intelligent and attractive.

I am capable of a deep emotional commitment and truly caring about another person.

I am loyal and affectionate.

If there is a man that can't see it, it is HIS problem - not mine.

Any man would be LUCKY to have someone like me.

 

Fake it until you make it if you have to.

 

Meaning tell yourself this over and over until you can feel it in your bones. Act the part until it becomes part of you.

 

Live your life -- make choices -- don't let someone else how you feel about yourself.

[Ssheena]

i guess i am looking at this from a different perspective. Maybe he is contacting you because he really likes you as a friend/person and that's it. Maybe he cares about you like you care about a friend and wants to stay in touch with you as a friend and it could be he has no clue how this is affecting you.

 

Do you think that could be a possibility? Regardless of what happened before ('cause I don't know your history).

 

If this is the case, if you think it could be the case then it is up to you how to react. Can you handle being just friends? Would it be easier for you not to have any contact/emails/whatever from him forever on? If so, just tell him. Say I am unable to handle this when you email me because I still would like this and if I you don't want the same thing as I do, then it would be better for me if you did not contact me as it hurts me too much.

 

That way you both convey how you feel and why you don't wish to have contact.

 

Hope this helps. Sorry that you heal and then get the bandaid/scab ripped off over and over. It's terrible.

[Art_Critic]

art-if he does not want me to chase him, what DOES he want? I guess I do not get HIS payoff?

 

He wants to see if you are over him.. it makes him feel good when you reply.. Ego Boost..

 

If you show him that you are over him then he doesn't get his payoff and will stop sooner or later.. but you have to not reply to those emails..

[bendit]

you're Half right.

 

He calls you but you break your OWN heart every time you answer.

 

regards

[smile95]

SS heena-I wanted to be friends with him. But, in my world, friends I can count on. Friends will not ignore me and my contact to them. he has made it clear he cannot be my friend. it is very possible this is how he sees it. That we are friends. He has none now, so maybe this is how he thinks friends behave? It may be innocent on his part by contacting me. He may think he is just keeping in touch. If I would call and know he would answer, I would tell him what this does to me. he will not. He will ignore me.

 

Just bcz of what he says when he does contact me, I feel like I am plan B when he decides to settle down one day. I feel like he checks in every once in a while to see if I will still "bite". and I do. that needs to stop. The diff in now and 2 yrs ago is 2 yrs ago, I was lost. Now I see what needs to happen.

 

I truly feel that he is not capable of loving. His wife left bcz of this too. I have to see that it is not me that is unlovable(as someone said above).

 

I know in my heart I deserve better and I am wasting my time hoping the "old" him will return. IT is hard when you build someone up so much to knock them down.

 

My self esteem is so low and I will worl on that. I should be thinking it is his loss and I can find someone better, but right now, I just feel like I was not good enough and he does not want me anymore.

 

The crazy part is this...factually, lookikng back, he was never there for me. In my fantasy head since we were long dist, I built him up and replayed the good times so much when I could not see him...those stuck...not reality.

 

I have decided this is enough. Two yrs of the same crap and I am to blame as well for thinking and hoping he will come back to me.

[smile95]

if you all don't mind, IF or WHEN he does decide to contact me in a few months, I will need to come back to this thread and ask for help recalling how I feel right at this moment. I will need help to NOT reply and to convince myself that replying will only continue this crazy cycle.

thx

[EmotionalBlackMail]

smile95: I just wanted to say that I can honestly tell you I completely relate with your situation...I have humiliated myself time and again by continuously replying back to contact, only to have myself humiliated. I have never felt so able to understand a post on this board. In my situation, I was basically strung along and then when I found out the truth about what was really going on (betrayal, lies, etc), I ended contact only to have this person contact me again. The same situation happened all over again. Now I just feel like a complete fool and an idiot and it makes you look foolish. I feel sick just thinking about it. I decided complete NC two days ago.

[smile95]

Emotinalblackmail.....i am sorry this is going on with you too. It really does suck bcz we are good people with hope and they know this. It hurts to have it done over and over, but I guess each time I think something diff will come of it? The weeks he is not speaking to me or just does not call, I build him back up and when he calls again, I am so excited? We both need to control this by just ignoring them. That is going to be so hard, but I know in my heart that Iwill never move on until I let this go.

 

I am not sure if mine is doing this on purpose? Or he just thinks this is how we stay in contact, but regardless, I am happy and free and doing great UNTIL I reply to him.

 

hang in there. I know it is hard to let go of hope....I am still trying!

[Island Girl]

Emotinalblackmail.....i am sorry this is going on with you too. It really does suck bcz we are good people with hope and they know this. It hurts to have it done over and over, but I guess each time I think something diff will come of it? The weeks he is not speaking to me or just does not call, I build him back up and when he calls again, I am so excited? We both need to control this by just ignoring them. That is going to be so hard, but I know in my heart that Iwill never move on until I let this go.

 

How do you "build him back up"?

 

WHy would you discard the terrible behavior over and over to attempt to see him in a different light?

 

He is a jerk. He is a blind jerk. He couldn't see what a great gift you gave him - he treats you like his own personal ego booster only taking you down off the shelf when it suits him or when he will get something out of it.

 

Shut him down. NO ONE should be able to treat you like this and get away with it. EVER.

 

This has been going on a LONG time.

 

He is now become a facade to you -- you have constructed this image of who you would like him to be.

 

It is not real. Reality is he is a complete jerk - a loser who can never feel true emotion.

 

He is an emotional leech borrowing strength from others because he is so pathetic he has none of his own.

 

He knows he is a loser. So anyone who falls for him he sees as less than a loser --

 

Write him off. Block his addresses - make sure you change EVERYTHING so you can't see him contacting you. Change you phone number and block all ways of contact.

 

Get on with your life!

 

This has been going on FAR TOO LONG.

 

You could have already found someone else by now and had incredible adventures with happy memories. Don't let this guy stop you from making your life happen ANYMORE.

 

You deserve so much better.

 

You ARE capable of a real relationship. You have been holding yourself back from that.

[EmotionalBlackMail]

smile95: I am glad that we both can relate to each other, although I wish that it were due to a better circumstance. I understand what you mean about the "building him back up" thing because I do the same thing...in my mind, I see this person as a person worthy of my time, if not BETTER than me, when in actuality, this person is a HORRIBLE person. Do you know what I mean??

 

Island Girl: I understand that you were directing what you wrote to smile95, but your post really motivated me. Everything that you said to her pertains to my situation as well. This person emotionally abused me and lied to me. I do not understand why I act as if he deserves to be a part of my life, because he doesn't. How do you block someone's e-mail address? Is there a way to delete your own e-mail address?