Confused

[mememe]

hello everyone.

 

I have been with by bf for little over 3 years now. During the three yeas we had some amazing times. I've met all his freinds (we get along really well and now I am very close to a few of his frineds), family, coworkers and vacationed with his family during all their family vacations. But during this time, we've never really talked about where our relationship was going. We've always brushed off the future issue by saying that we are happy and see where this realtionship takes us. But about two months ago, I brought up the fact that we needed to have a talk about our relationship. It was bothering me for awhile that we never discussed it in detail. I wanted to know if he thought that I was the "one ", the one that he would want to marry one day. However his response was " he wasen't sure". He could not tell me for sure. I was devestated. All along I thought that someday we would marry and start a family. I'm not looking for an engagement ring today but I wanted somekind of assurance that he saw a future potential in our relationship. But he could not say that. All he could say was somedays he feel that I could be the one and other days he's not sure.

 

We both love each other and decided to work it rhough. I told him that I can wait and concentrate on the part where he said that I can possibley be the one and go on with our relationship. I told him that I was not ready for marraige now, but one day I will be and at that time, I hoped that his answer would be different. For about two months things were okay. But one week before X-Mas (we were supposed to have spend X-Mas and New years in with his family in Mexico) he tells me he's unsure about our future and asked what we sould. He kept giving me the run around so I asked if he wanted a break. He agreed with me. He could not say it so I had to say those words myself. During this conversation, we both agreed we didn't want to date other people. We both loved being together. So we decieded to take some time apart and figure out what we should do (this is more like what he wants to do.) But before he left, I asked what I should do. Should I wait or move on. He told me to wait for him. I don't understand why he even asked that I wait. Is he trying to let me down slowly or is he truly confused?

 

In his defense, his job sucks. He's confused about his future career plans and what he need to do. He's not where he thought he would be at this time in his life. He's almost thirty and so unsure about everything. I told him that if he was sure about me, everything else, we can work through together. But he said he needed some time to sort through his feelings.

[Tony T]

I'm just as confused with what your guy is doing as you are. Maybe I'm just a romantic but if I really love somebody, I don't need to take time out from them to sort out my thoughts. Now that's how I think. Maybe he's different....you'll have to find out.

 

But I can say that I don't feel very good about this. I don't care what all he's going through, if he gets weird when he's going through stressful life events, that's not a good sign. Would he also do that after you got married? Again, maybe I'm just a romantic but when I'm going through difficult times in my life it's really nice to have the woman I love by my side for comfort and to share in those times...as well as the great times.

 

I wouldn't give this guy too much longer. There's no way of telling where his mind will eventually lead. He doesn't know his own mind right now. But if he was really crazy about you, he wouldn't hesitate even a second to commit to you...at least long enough to give the relationship some sort of direction.

 

From what he has told you and the mixed signals he has sent, I think he's way too wishy washy right now to know how to deal with.

 

Move on with your life and tell him to call you when he's finally decided what he wants to do....just remember to send him your new phone number each time it changes.

[midori]

There are warning signs in the account you've given. Tony has touched on them and I'll just chime in from my own experience. A person (man or woman) who, when confronted by trouble and confusion, is inclined to turn away from you is not a person you want to have as a life partner. Whether his inclination to pull away from you stems from a life-long habit of having to rely on himself, or from inner doubt about his worthiness, or something else entirely, he does not view you as a partner in his life.

 

Moreover, your guy is being remarkably selfish. He forced you to initiate the withdrawal. Bad enough to want to pull away, but in making you give him the push he's shown that he's an emotional coward.

 

You cannot make another person believe in things: not in love, not in themselves ... and not in you. If your guy doesn't believe that love can last, if he doesn't believe in his own ability to love and be loved, no matter how wonderful you are he won't be able to believe that you can provide him with what he needs.

 

Emotional cowardice is an enormous problem. I speak from experience on this. I once loved a man who was quite brave in many ways but when it came to matters of his own heart he was a frightened, selfish boy. I thought I had enough faith, courage, and determination for us both. I was wrong, but it took me a long long time and a whole lot of (self-inflicted) suffering to see that.

 

There is no prize for sticking out a doomed relationship. And why do you want to anyway? Do you want a partner or an apprentice, someone you have to supervise and guide and whom you cannot rely upon? If your guy is to change, he will have to initiate the change ENTIRELY on his own. It will be gradual, with reverses, and chances are by the time he has grown up to be someone who can truly engage in an emotionally initmate relationship with someone, you'll be long gone -- because it will take years. Year and years. It will be hard for him -- and he hasn't shown himself thus far to be a guy who takes on hard things. He made you break up with him, didn't he?

 

What a thing to go through. I'm so sorry. It's probably not what you want to hear right now, and even harder to believe, but I really do think that the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away from this guy entirely. I say this for two reasons: 1. you will be torturing yourself and compromising yourself if you try to salvage the relationship now -- and it probably won't work out the way you hope. Sooner or later he will find a way to wriggle out. It's already over, all that remains to be seen is how long you keep it "alive" on life support, rather than finding something better for yourself 2. if you really do believe in the love between you & this guy, the best thing you can do is trust that it will bring you back together down the road. Sticking with him now will only make it more unlikely that you'll be with him in the long run. Growing pains are ugly things, and if you stick around he will inflict ugliness on you. The more pain there is between the two of you, the longer it goes on, the less likely the wounds will heal.

 

Good luck. It sucks to go through this at any time, especially the holidays. It will be hard, but if you stick to your guns and move forward in your life as if you don't intend to go back, I'll bet in two months time you'll be much better. Not necessarily over him, but not in so much pain. If you keep looking over your shoulder, waiting for him to come to his senses (as I did with my ex), you will prolong your pain. Rally your friends, if you don't have friends to rally, make some. Keep yourself as busy as you possibly can be. You can do it.

[mememe]

I've been trying to move ahead but it's been a little difficult. I've been going out with friends every night. It made it a little easier. But the past two days have been the most difficult. The thought of not starting the New Years with him is devistating. But I ask myself this question, why do I want to be with someone who after spending 3 years together is still not sure. I want someone who loves me so much that they can't bear the thought of not being together forever. Maybe I'm just a romantic.

But I deserve that. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

[mememe]

First, I would like to think Tony and Midori for their advise.

While I was out of the country I did a lot of thinking and decided that I it would be best to break things off. I sent him aq farewell e-mail wishing him well and that I needed to be with someone who is sure about me and our relationship together. He sent me a response telling me the same thing. I feel that this is all for the best, but I'm sad now becuase I won't be able to see him and touch him. THat's the hardest part letting go.

 

I guess throughout our relationships his been giving mixed signals. At times I felt that we were together for the long haul. We've shared so much. It hurts that he's willing to let go. I told him in the e-mail that if we wanted me then tell me or otherwise let me go. He told me that he loves me, but he didn't feel that he was in love with me. What's the difference between the two loves? Please someone explain it to me.

 

Thanks,

[Just A Girl2]

Hi mememe,

 

I'm sorry things turned out this way. I am glad, however, that after doing some soul-searching in Mexico, that you were the one to initiate ending things with him......good for you!

 

When you have your moments of feeling sad and missing him.....missing seeing him, his touch, dig down deep into yourself and find a little anger. Anger? Yes, anger. Anger that you spent 3 yrs of your life with a guy who turned out to be the biggest coward ever. Anger that he had the nerve to agree you should break up but that you should 'wait for him'.....Anger that after 36 months of your life together with him, he didn't know if you were the one he'd spend the rest of his life with. He should have shared his doubts sooner than 3 yrs. And people don't generally start having doubts "overnight."

 

As for the difference between being "in love" and loving someone...I guess it's sort of like this (my own opinion here): Loving someone means you care about them and their happiness....sort of like the love that 2 good friends share. Being 'in love' is not the platonic kind of love I just explained..but more of a passionate (not always passionate) kind of love and attraction and connection.......

 

I hope you can be strong and resist contacting him again, he's so not worth it.

 

I suggest in your next relationship, however, that you don't let 3 yrs go by without asking where the relationship is headed. My opinion on this is, after one year, you should either making plans for a future one day, or parting your separate ways..because after a year, you both should know how you really feel about one another, and whether you can picture them in your life forever. Ya know?

 

Take care,

JAG

[clia]

mememe,

 

That really stinks, but at least you found out now, and didn't wait around for another three years.

 

You've got it spot on in one of your above posts. You Deserve A Man Who Is Crazy About You! Not someone who is iffy and doesn't know and blah, blah, blah. And you will find him.

 

You're probably in for some rough times ahead in getting over this, but stay strong. Don't call him and don't take him back if he tries to get in contact with you. Remember that you are missing him because he was a fixture in your life, not because he is the man for you. Don't fall into wanting to return to the comfort zone. Six months from now, one year from now, you will look back on this as the best decision you could have made. (And especially so on your wedding day to the Right man!)

 

And when you need support, we're all here for you! Post and vent away...we'll listen!

 

My opinion on this is, after one year, you should either making plans for a future one day, or parting your separate ways..because after a year, you both should know how you really feel about one another, and whether you can picture them in your life forever.

 

And I totally agree with this as well! (Back atcha, JustAGirl!)

[pinkroses]

Your story sounds exactly like my sister's. She also dated a guy for three long years and he never talked about committment either. Toward the end of their relationship he would allude to them being together, but the serious talk never came. She wants marriage and a family so she finally just had to break up with him, he wasn't going anywhere with the relationship. She didn't want to have a child out of wedlock and be a permanant live-in. After she broke things off, he showed no emotion, didn't seem to care one way or another. If your boyfriend takes you for granted like that, realize you deserve better than that, and tell him to take a hike, my advice.

 

After three years most people have a pretty clear idea whether they want to get married or move in different directions. You sound like you've been extremely patient about the situation, and he's not being man enough to tell you where he stands. I know you love each other but you have to decide if you want to go on for who knows how much longer being someone your boyfriend isn't in love with enough or committed enough to, to marry. I agree with Tony, if you really love someone you don't want a break from them, even in hard times. You want the one you love closer than ever at times like that. So don't buy into his "my job sucks" excuses. You've probably had hard times too, and didn't push him away.

 

Only you can decide how deep your love runs and how much you are willing to put up with and wait for. My suggestion would be to give him a certain amount of time to do some thinking, and during this time, re-think your life too, and where you want to be a few months and years from now. Why don't you get in the driver's seat and decide if you want HIM in YOUR life. I would hate sitting by waiting for some guy to make up his mind about me.

 

Take care.

[mememe]

The more I think about this the more pissed of I get. I don't know what the hell he was thinking for the past three years. Yes, we did have wonderful times, but now I think it's Bull**** that he didn't think about our future. I feel as though I've been blind the past year. I feel like I've made myself too available for him. I've been too mice and understanding. Everything revolved around his schedule. I totally lost myself in the relationship the past 1 1/2 years. I feel like I've been a fool.

 

We also have a few things in each other's apartments. Right after we broke up via e-mail and telephone, he had the nerve to say he wanted to see me and remain friends. He wanted to see me this weekend, but I told him "what for". I guess he wanted to say his goodbyes and exchange our stuff. I just made a commment about calling him later and I left it at that. At this point, I am not able to matintain a friendship with me. There's too much hurt right now. Maybe six months or a year down the road, I maybe able to be friends with him but at this point, I don't want anything to do with him.