What is going on here?

[Heartache11]

Well, my ex and I broke up two months ago but have been in contact here and there. It's kind of been on his terms and left me pretty upset because he is usually mean during that contact. He basically broke up with me out of no where and blamed everything from feelings fading because of distance to us being too young and needing to do our own thing. He didn't rule out thinking about it again in the future.

 

Fast forward, he called me yesterday while I was out to dinner and left a message. I called him back and we started catching up about life. We talked about a concert this summer and he said something about having extra tickets. He knew I wanted to go and I basically said I want to go with him and it'd be awkward if I went with anyone else because of certain circumstances. (I don't want to reveal too much, but trust me on this) He said he didn't know what will be going on, a lot can change in 3 months, and that we will sit and talk about things when I got home.

 

He then asked how I was getting back to home from college at the end of the semester. He has been the one to take me back and forth since I've been at school. I told him I had planned shipping things and what not, and he said no he'll just come pick me up. It was a complete shocker and he said he'll most likely be able to do it, he'd let me know next week. He then said it'd be good because we'd have time to talk about things. This confused me more and I asked him if he still wanted this (meaning the break-up) and he said I don't know.

 

So, the question now is, do I let him come get me? It would be a lot easier and he volunteered. I did not ask him. This shocked me because he completely avoided me while I was home spring break.

 

At the same time, he broke up with me and has hurt me alot. He basically uses me to his convenience. I'm also sooo confused as to what this "talk" will be about! Oh, and he has gone back to being cold towards me today.

 

Any ideas as to what is going through his head?

[Island Girl]

Well, my ex and I broke up two months ago but have been in contact here and there.

 

That's a mistake. You need to be in NC.

 

It's kind of been on his terms and left me pretty upset because he is usually mean during that contact.

 

That is why it needs to be NC. HE show not be able to contact you whenever he wants. He broke up with you so he does not get to talk to you whenever he feels like it.

 

Because he CAN talk to you whenever he feels like it he also feels like he can treat you any way he wants and you'll still take it -- you'll allow him to be awful to you.

 

He is losing respect for you each and every time you allow contact especially after he has been mean -- he knows he does not deserve you speaking with him.

 

And your self esteem is suffering in the meantime.

 

He basically broke up with me out of no where and blamed everything from feelings fading because of distance to us being too young and needing to do our own thing.

 

He broke up with you out of no where and has multiple reasons for doing so. He may be telling the truth, he may not be, about why he really broke it off.

 

He didn't rule out thinking about it again in the future.

 

Why would it be up to him?

 

If I were you I'd have the attitude that 'it is up to ME if we get back together or not. You flaked out and dissolved the commitment -- how do I know I could ever trust you again?'

 

Fast forward, he called me yesterday while I was out to dinner and left a message. I called him back and we started catching up about life.

 

Mistake. Even if he calls and you want to talk to him. AT LEAST make him call back to get hold of you! Do not call him back. Make him wonder where you are, what you are doing, and why you are not calling him back.

 

The conversations should be very brief - and he should not get to know much of what is going on in your life. That would be for a boyfriend to know. He isn't your boyfriend so start keeping a lot of what you are up to or your life in general private.

 

We talked about a concert this summer and he said something about having extra tickets. He knew I wanted to go and I basically said I want to go with him

 

Mistake again. You shouldn't have said anything about going to the concert at all. He knew you wanted to go - he brought it up and you jumped. Quit jumping through his hoops.

 

Let the concert go. IF it comes up again change the subject. If the concert comes and you are still not together -- don't go.

 

 

and it'd be awkward if I went with anyone else because of certain circumstances. (I don't want to reveal too much, but trust me on this)

 

This sounds ridiculous. How can going to a concert with someone else be awkward? But whatever.

 

 

He said he didn't know what will be going on, a lot can change in 3 months, and that we will sit and talk about things when I got home.

 

Again it is up to him? --- He seems to think all of the decisions are his to make.

 

He feels you are in the palm of his hand and the moment he said "Okay - I'll take you back" you'd jump at the chance!

 

That is the wrong perspective but that is what you have led him to believe.

 

Like you are just waiting around for him -- he's the catch of a lifetime.

 

The sooner you can get this thought out of his head the better.

 

 

He then asked how I was getting back to home from college at the end of the semester.

 

Again -- this is why NC - or if you feel like you MUST talk to him he does not get to know. Be vague.

 

He has been the one to take me back and forth since I've been at school. I told him I had planned shipping things and what not, and he said no he'll just come pick me up.

 

He just assumes that is okay with you. You have to think more of yourself than that. This is the putz that broke up with you with no warning and now is usually mean when he talks to you.

 

Your attitude should be -- "that's okay I can take care of myself don't do me any favors".

 

 

It was a complete shocker and he said he'll most likely be able to do it, he'd let me know next week.

 

Oh good. So he'll let you know if he can. Until then you just wait for him to make a decision.

 

Shouldn't it be up to you?

 

 

He then said it'd be good because we'd have time to talk about things.

 

Oh perfect. So he breaks up with you and then automatically assumes you are willing to talk about "things". Well, you've given him the impression that you are just waiting around for him to "please say we're together again".

 

He needs a reality check from you. He needs to know that being in a relationship is YOUR choice too. And that it is not so easy to get back what one once discarded.

 

He needs to know that you question whether you want him back or not. So he respects you again and so he doesn't act so hastily in the future.

 

 

This confused me more and I asked him if he still wanted this (meaning the break-up) and he said I don't know.

 

Do not ask questions about what he wants. It should not be his decision.

 

If he wants you back he should have to put some effort into it and you should be the one deciding. I can not stress this enough.

 

If you are to get back together, it sets the tone for the future relationship.

 

It shows him how much he should value you and cherish you.

 

He certainly does NOT have that impression right now.

 

 

So, the question now is, do I let him come get me?

 

No.

 

It would be a lot easier and he volunteered. I did not ask him.

 

Doesn't matter.

 

The answer is still NO.

 

 

This shocked me because he completely avoided me while I was home spring break.

 

You should be avoiding him. You are way too available to someone who broke up with you. Have you no self respect?

 

Even now he picks up contact when he wants and is admittedly mean to you.

 

Distance yourself and let him see what he lost and let him feel what he's missing.

 

At the same time, he broke up with me and has hurt me alot.

 

EXACTLY.

 

He basically uses me to his convenience.

 

And you allow him to. The first time that happened -- his fault.

 

Every time since it has been your fault. You can put a stop to it. So put a stop to it NOW.

 

 

I'm also sooo confused as to what this "talk" will be about!

 

How he's feeling, problems with the relationship, what he wants to do with his life --- blah blah blah. It doesn't matter.

 

Make him put some effort -- considerable effort into trying to have this 'talk' with you. Be unavailable and make him hunt you down.

 

If he wants it he will. If he isn't willing to put in the effort he is not worth your time.

 

Oh, and he has gone back to being cold towards me today.

 

Of course he has. You have shown him that you take whatever scraps he gives and wait begging for more.

 

Not good if you ever want to have a successful relationship with this guy -- or ANY guy for that matter.

 

You are worth more than that. You should demand to be treated better than that.

[Ssheena]

Island Girl is very very smart. She tells it like it is and cuts no slack. I agree with her.

 

Do not settle for crumbs from anyone, especially this dude.

 

You are the prize. You are what's behind door number 2 or 3 (or wherever the grand prize is).

 

Best wishes.

[Island Girl]

Island Girl is very very smart. She tells it like it is and cuts no slack. I agree with her.

 

Do not settle for crumbs from anyone, especially this dude.

 

You are the prize. You are what's behind door number 2 or 3 (or wherever the grand prize is).

 

Best wishes.

 

Thanks Ssheena -

 

Seriously OP

 

You need to bolster your self esteem and realize he would be LUCKY to have YOU -- not the other way around.

 

He has shown himself to be undependable by breaking up with you suddenly.

 

He may be having second thoughts but treating you badly - i.e. cold or mean as you have said - is NOT okay. He is being disrespectful when he is doing this.

 

Don't put up with it from him or ANY man. You have done nothing to warrant such behavior. He is just being cruel because he knows he can be.

You have given him that indication because you talk to him when he contacts you and let these things go by the wayside.

 

Just stop being his doormat that he pulls out at his convenience.

 

You are soooooo much better than that. You are getting an education and have your whole life ahead of you.

 

Surround yourself with people who truly care about you and want the best for you.

 

People who are mean and talk out both sides of their mouths -- namely him - do NOT qualify.

[2ndIINone]

Heartache.... - same stuff.

 

with all do respect.... You're typical....and SHOULD BE the exception. The stuff you take from this guy is the reason some guys still say... "nice guys finish last". Cause' here is a creep that is treating you like crap and you keep goin' back for more. While some poor sap that probably has a crush on you and would treat you like a queen is thinkin' to himself.... she's in love with a jerk and not me.

 

I got through half of this new thread and realized I sense the same "his terms" attitude from you. I get the feeling if this guy snaps his fingers.... then you'll come running, sit down at his side without hesitation and obey his every wish and command. (Not a good way to be) Just from his words and actions, I can tell he knows how to control you and your emotions. He expresses a strong sense of authority, (from what I here is a strong attractive quality) but you let him take it too far. IF he broke up with you and hurt you.... then you are making it entirely too easy for him to come back into your life. What lesson has he learned? Obviously, none, because he's 'being cold towards you..."

 

YOU need to distance yourself..... COMPLETELY from this cat.... SHOW HIM you are NOT a doormat, but rather a human being that deserves a little respect.

[AriaIncognito]

I'll echo the sentiments above. Island Girl, you definitely have a firm handle on all this. It's making me very curious to know what you've gone through in life to get to this stage in clarity and self respect. Do you have a particular thread I could read that would describe your situations or whatever? Just curious. I could use some reading on this very rainy sunday.

 

To the OP. I know we've spoken on other threads, and you know my current situation. Please, listen to me when I say that NC is your only option right now. Right now, your head is all confused because he throws you little scraps, and you eat them up because, well, you love the man (i know this all too well) and you hope that one day, he'll finally be on the same page as you.

 

Maybe he will. Maybe someday, you will both be on the same page. But that day, well, it's not today. And there's no guarantee it will be tomorrow or even next year. So don't sit around waiting for it. Do your best to live your life for yourself. Make plans. Get out. Go away with friends, whatever it is your heart desires (besides wanting him).

 

I know right now your heart is confusing your head. Mine does the same thing. But I'm really trying to use my head this time. I'm 1 week NC and I feel OK so far. I've not been going crazy wanting to contact. If he and I were still talking right now, I'd be all "ohhhhhh I wonder if he'll want to see me this week" or "I wonder why he hasn't emailed me yet, he's been at work for an hour!" and crap like that. He was my focus for way too long and took way too much control. Did I love him, yes, I believe I did (do) but I also know that he is unworthy of that love because he was so able to assume he could find better somewhere else. Anyone who can look at any of us and say "eh I can find better" isn't worthy of our contact, our love, our anything.

[Heartache11]

Thank you everyone for being so blunt with me. It opened my eyes. It shouldn’t matter if he wanted to reconcile (which he is probably just using this to mess with me more) because I shouldn’t even want to. I haven’t contacted him and I’ll just let him call me when he decides if he can actually come. I think maybe having that conversation on the way home would be helpful as a closure and to tell him I won’t take his s**t anymore. Then I can start my new life at home without him. It will be hard, saying he was my whole life when I was home, but it must happen.

 

I know many of you are saying n/c right now and to cut him off, but I see this as an opportunity to set things straight. He doesn’t know if he wants me and he keeps saying he will make up his mind when he picks me up. Perhaps if he can come, I’ll tell him we shouldn’t talk before then to clear our minds. So maybe let him think and me as well. And if he says yes to reconcile, I can tell him it can’t happen or lay out what needs to be set straight. It feels like this will never end if we don’t talk it out and he won’t do that now.

 

Am I making any sense? Or would this still be letting him take advantage of me?

[Island Girl]

Thank you everyone for being so blunt with me. It opened my eyes. It shouldn’t matter if he wanted to reconcile (which he is probably just using this to mess with me more) because I shouldn’t even want to.

 

 

I haven’t contacted him and I’ll just let him call me when he decides if he can actually come. I think maybe having that conversation on the way home would be helpful as a closure and to tell him I won’t take his s**t anymore.

 

No you should NOT let him come and get you. He'll see in retrospect that you were planning the conversation and mistakenly see it as a ploy instead of truth and reality. There are a lot more implications as well. None of them good.

 

Do NOT allow him to come and pick you up.

 

The next time he calls you need to be upfront immediately, just after "hello", and tell him not to come and get you. Whether he is calling about that or not.

 

Then drop contact.

 

Then I can start my new life at home without him. It will be hard, saying he was my whole life when I was home, but it must happen.

 

Start your new life NOW. --- It should have started the minute he broke up with you. All of this should have been done then. But your self esteem was too low to make the moves that are best for you. So start NOW.

 

Why wait?

 

Then you will just be keeping it going when you get home.

 

I know many of you are saying n/c right now and to cut him off, but I see this as an opportunity to set things straight.

 

He doesn't deserve a full explanation. But if you feel you must then set him straight on the next phone call. Say what you have to say very succinctly. Short and to the point. It should be something along the lines of, "I thought about it and I don't want you to come and get me from school. I have to go now. Good bye."

 

That is all the explanation needed or that there should be.

 

I know there is so much more you'd like to say. DON'T.

 

Do not get into a long drawn out explanation of how he's treated you and why you are doing this. I know it is true and valid. But it implies way too much thinking about him when he has been a complete A$$ and doesn't deserve a moment of thought.

 

He doesn't deserve it. And he already knows he has been a jerk a lot of the time. He hasn't considered your feelings when he is cold and callous. So he gets the exact same treatment.

 

He doesn’t know if he wants me and he keeps saying he will make up his mind when he picks me up.

 

So you'll be letting him know -- I've made the decision for you and I don't want you. I don't like the way you have been treating me. I do not deserve it. And it isn't going to happen anymore. There is nothing you need to "make your mind up about" anymore.

 

You do this by telling him IMMEDIATELY that you do not want him to come and get you - getting off the phone and not talking to him again.

 

If he calls do not answer.

 

Perhaps if he can come, I’ll tell him we shouldn’t talk before then to clear our minds. So maybe let him think and me as well.

 

You are holding on to this as hope that he will come and the talk will be about sorting things out.

 

That talk can NEVER happen until you have let go and have worked on your self esteem.

 

Your perspective which is skewed will come out in the conversation. You are not strong enough yet. The things you would need to say are foreign to you -- they need to be your "native language" -- intrinsic to your being.

 

You need to be able to convey -- "If you think I am going to continue to audition for a place by your side you are sadly mistaken. I am great. I am a fantastic person and an even better girlfriend. If you can't see that then you are a blind idiot and I am not going to waste my time explaining it to you."

 

And if he says yes to reconcile, I can tell him it can’t happen or lay out what needs to be set straight.

 

This is a conversation that comes after the work. He has to be working to talk to you and see you for a while.

 

Remember PLEASE this is a guy that didn't think you were worth staying with. He didn't see all the wonder and beauty that is YOU.

 

He has to start from square one if he wants you back. He has to show YOU that he is not an unappreciative bonehead anymore - that he has become sensitive and caring and that he sees his mistakes.

 

That is a lot to work on and prove to you before he even gets a chance to talk to you.

 

You're attitude needs to be "you had me. you didn't care about what a great gift you were given by me to you when I was loyal to you and gave you my heart. Now, I am feeling you are unworthy of those gifts and unworthy of ME."

 

That way -- if he ever does get the chance again he will not be so quick to throw it away. We value what we work for. You can not make it easy because it makes you "less than" -- and YOU AREN'T THAT.

 

It feels like this will never end if we don’t talk it out and he won’t do that now.

 

Sure it will. It will end as soon as you end it. Just tell him not to come and get you and get off of the phone.

 

You do not owe him ANYTHING.

 

He turns cold hearted without explanation ALL THE TIME. So why do you owe him an explanation about finally getting your head on straight?

 

Be prepared for phone calls. He'll be jolted by your behavior - because you have been VERY predictable up until now. He'll want to get you back to that predictable place.

 

That is why NC is SO important initially.

 

Realize that he will say whatever he has to to try to turn things around again and put his thumb on you. And you are susceptible to it. You need to be stronger before you can have any conversation with him.

 

Your thoughts need to be about how well you have treated him and how much of a putz he has been to throw that away.

 

<He thinks HE can treat ME like that?!! Like I am just waiting around going "Pick me! Please pick me!" What an idiot! Does he think I am really that easy or stupid?! What a complete moron! I am the best he is EVER going to get. The person that stands by my side needs to cherish me and appreciate me -- he had a chance and blew it. HIS LOSS. He has betrayed my kindness and caring by tossing me away and thinking he could come waltzing in at any time and I am going to be thankful to have a chance to be with him again. HE should be begging for a second chance with me! Now I am free to meet a man who is smarter than that.>

[2ndIINone]

Be prepared for phone calls. He'll be jolted by your behavior - because you have been VERY predictable up until now. He'll want to get you back to that predictable place.

true.... and I'm a guy btw. And totally understand, but disagree with the way you discredit yourself in this relationship and the way he treats you.

 

 

He doesn’t know if he wants me and he keeps saying he will make up his mind when he picks me up.

With all do respect.... I don't like this particular way of thinking. Which is what you need to work on. He continues to try and control you emotionally. You SHOULD be saying to yourself.... "I don't know if I want HIM anymore...." ya know?

 

<He thinks HE can treat ME like that?!! Like I am just waiting around going "Pick me! Please pick me!" What an idiot! Does he think I am really that easy or stupid?! What a complete moron! I am the best he is EVER going to get. The person that stands by my side needs to cherish me and appreciate me -- he had a chance and blew it. HIS LOSS. He has betrayed my kindness and caring by tossing me away and thinking he could come waltzing in at any time and I am going to be thankful to have a chance to be with him again. HE should be begging for a second chance with me! Now I am free to meet a man who is smarter than that.>

She's correct when writing this .... this is the attitude you SHOULD have with this type of guy... or any type of guy that thinks he has you wrapped.

 

Everything will work out for the best in the end.... Providing you learn to understand your selfworth and value in the relationship. Never allow it to be ALL ABOUT HIM. Set your boundaries.... do not allow him or anyone for that matter, to cross them.

[Heartache11]

 

Start your new life NOW. --- It should have started the minute he broke up with you. All of this should have been done then. But your self esteem was too low to make the moves that are best for you. So start NOW.

 

Why wait?

 

Then you will just be keeping it going when you get home.

 

This is true. My self-esteem has hit a low point for me to allow this treatment. And I would keep telling myself this would be it after that conversation in the car, but I think I would really keep it going when I got home, you are right. But I can't bring myself to do this. How do you finally cut him off? My self-esteem is low, he's destroyed me and hurt me, but I keep coming back for more.

 

 

He doesn't deserve it. And he already knows he has been a jerk a lot of the time. He hasn't considered your feelings when he is cold and callous. So he gets the exact same treatment.

 

Yes, he is a jerk and won't even consider my feelings, but why should I stoop to his level?

[Island Girl]

This is true. My self-esteem has hit a low point for me to allow this treatment. And I would keep telling myself this would be it after that conversation in the car, but I think I would really keep it going when I got home, you are right. But I can't bring myself to do this. How do you finally cut him off? My self-esteem is low, he's destroyed me and hurt me, but I keep coming back for more.

 

You look yourself in the mirror and say,

 

"this is the lowest point I have been to. It is the lowest point I will ever go to again. I am better than I have allowed myself to be treated. I am NOW going to demand to be treated better by those around me. For those that have brought me to this level - I must make one strong step for myself to begin to become the me I know I can be. I MUST cut this person out of my life like the cancer he is and begin to live again.

 

I have to do it. I do not have a choice anymore. I must walk away and not look back.

 

I will do this for myself and my own sanity because it is best. Feelings can not be part of the decision process."

 

And then steel yourself and DO IT.

 

 

Yes, he is a jerk and won't even consider my feelings, but why should I stoop to his level?

 

Again wrong way of looking at it.

 

"He is a jerk who feels he can treat me any way he likes and I will still be around for more."

 

"I may have given him that impression but it is the wrong impression."

 

"I will not be treated this way by him or anyone else."

 

"He does not deserve to hear the sound of my voice, my words, see me, or in any other way have contact with me."

 

"He does not deserve any part of me in any way. "

 

You are rising above it all. You are not behaving maliciously as he is. You are not playing any kind of game. Point blank you are cutting dead weight so you can rise to the surface to breathe. Right now he is the noose around your leg pulling you under the water and drowning you.

 

Cut him loose.

[Trialbyfire]

You look yourself in the mirror and say,

 

"this is the lowest point I have been to. It is the lowest point I will ever go to again. I am better than I have allowed myself to be treated. I am NOW going to demand to be treated better by those around me. For those that have brought me to this level - I must make one strong step for myself to begin to become the me I know I can be. I MUST cut this person out of my life like the cancer he is and begin to live again.

 

I have to do it. I do not have a choice anymore. I must walk away and not look back.

 

I will do this for myself and my own sanity because it is best. Feelings can not be part of the decision process."

 

And then steel yourself and DO IT.

 

 

 

 

Again wrong way of looking at it.

 

"He is a jerk who feels he can treat me any way he likes and I will still be around for more."

 

"I may have given him that impression but it is the wrong impression."

 

"I will not be treated this way by him or anyone else."

 

"He does not deserve to hear the sound of my voice, my words, see me, or in any other way have contact with me."

 

"He does not deserve any part of me in any way. "

 

You are rising above it all. You are not behaving maliciously as he is. You are not playing any kind of game. Point blank you are cutting dead weight so you can rise to the surface to breathe. Right now he is the noose around your leg pulling you under the water and drowning you.

 

Cut him loose.

Very well said IG, particularly the bolded parts.

 

OP, do it for yourself, for your own future happiness. He's got you on an emotional leash.

[Heartache11]

Thank you everyone for your input. I hear what you are all saying and know what I need to do, but I can't bring myself to do it. I see the horrible ways he treats me, I can almost predict what is going to happen next, but I can't stop it. He had me so upset and mad this morning, but by the end of the day I was the one apologizing.

 

How can I let him keep doing this? I see it, I know it's wrong, but it still continues. I go through my day wondering how this could be reconciled, when in reality, I know I shouldn't even want to work this out. Maybe I'm a lost cause. I know I can do better and deserve better. This has been the hardest habit I've had to break.

 

I'm starting to prove to myself that I do have some self-control. I haven't bit my nails in a week and a half. (bad habit for me) I guess I need to tell myself I can transfer that self-control to a much grander scale.