What's going on with him?

[AvoidantWeirdo]

Let's start off with saying that I love my boyfriend dearly. He means the world to me. I am head over heels for this man but I don't think this is being returned.

We've been in a LDR for roughly 6 years on and off, here and there. He came for a visit last August and stayed for about 5 months (travelling back and forth twice). We met as friends and things sparked up so we decided we were (cheesy) meant to be. We had a wonderful time here and then he headed back, promising that he'd be back within a month's time.

A month went by and he had moved the date to another couple of weeks. Those couple of weeks went by and it was postponed again. I was aggitated and told him he needed to set a date NOW. So, it was set that he would definately be here before Easter. He has recently became a Canadian citizen so he's trying to get his passport. It has yet to come in the mail to him so him missing this promise was acceptable to me as long as he was going to come after he recieved the documents.

I talk with him on the phone every night and he has told me now that he has decided not to come at all. This breaks my heart because he's kept telling me he will come. I asked him to please explain to me why he's changed his mind. He says he feels he put me before his studies (he's almost 20 and has yet to enter college) and therefore he's putting our future in jepardy. He says now he's changed his mind and plans on entering a program of study this summer though he is not satisfied with the course. He now has no time to visit before his program starts. He has no idea when he will be back, as a matter of fact.

I'm very confused now as I was planning on staying with him. The plan was that he was going to come down here (in the U.S.) and we'd drive up to his house where I'd spend the summer with him, even if he was studying. I am terrified to make the driving trip alone and he knows this so he knows I'm not going to hop in the car and drive up there by myself (and my friends would not agree to coming along).

He's talked about marriage to me and future plans. We've talked about how we were going to live together and how we were going to work out the citizenship thing. We've talked about having children (down the road!) and how much he wants to be with me.

Last month I was checking his email (he allows me/he is also allowed to check mine) and I was doodling around. I read an email from a woman and it didn't bother me a bit but, basically, it led me to his secret email from me. He had been contacting numerous (beautiful, single) women about meeting up for movies, dinner, plays, etc. and lacking to tell them he was taken. It even went as far as him telling them that the reason he was online only in the evenings was because of his work revolving around the internet at that time (the truth: that's the time we talk online). I confronted him and he claimed he was just looking for friends. We discussed it and I feel a little better about the situation (as he claims to no longer be seeking these women) but I'm still weary.

Does he still like me at all? All of a sudden I feel I'm not so important in his life any more. When I try to discuss matters he seems to withdraw and say that the reason he doesn't tell me things is because I get upset. I don't want to jump ship all of a sudden and break it off but this situation is not making me happy. I'm not sure if I should hang on and keep this long-distance for however long or what. I love him, he claims to love me, but I feel an emptiness inside now.

[lindya]

If you keep putting lots of effort into staying in contact with this guy, you might maintain a situation where he has a certain emotional reliance on (and feels some obligation towards) you. Don't mistake that for love.

 

I'm sorry - I know how harsh that will sound to someone in your shoes, but what keeps you in a situation that's obviously making you so unhappy if not the belief that this guy loves you? Getting rid of that belief and all the hopes and dreams attached to it will be very painful - but in the long term it'll set you free.