Disgusted with myself

[guest]

Some info about myself. Me and my wife met in high school. We dated in our senior year 13 years ago. Early in our relationship she had told me she has had sex with numerous guys. I decided to end it. The next day she tried to commit suicide. I loved her and decided to get past the idea of being with someone who slept around alot before we got together.

 

3 years ago I found out my wife was cheating on me. I was work overnight as a second job and found out she was meeting men online and meeting them for sex at all hours of the night. I was devastated. She left me. She abandoned me and our 3 children to move to another state with relatives she had not seen in 20 years.

 

Being gone for 5 months or so she called me on father's day asking for a reconciliation. I had tried my best to be both parents to my children. I quit 1 job and quit my part time education and decided to just keep the one job. Her life went to hell. she lost her job and had a falling with her relatives. She moved back home several weeks later. Under some conditions I wanted her to meet. First was to re-establish herself with her children, be the mother they needed again.

 

Second was to obtain employeement. She was a stay at home mom for years because one of our sons was born with mental retardation. Third was for her to seek counselling. Find out why she did what she did. Lastly I wanted her to be honest with everthing she did while living in N.C. She told me she had slept with numerous men, did drugs, boozed and was even arrested for shoplifting. I was completely saddened and depressed. it took my a year to finally break through my depression.

 

Fast forward to current day 3 years later and she has met all the conditions but just started to go to counselling. I had to put my foot down and demand it because to be honest it scares the hellout of me what she did. and her not having the slightest clue why or how it happened is scarier. I live in fear she will cheat again one day.

 

In my wifes defense I will say she comes from a broken home. Her younger sister killed thier mother, then the younger sister died herself to drug OD. Her father is non existant and her only remaining sister is worse off then she is. Her sister used to basically be pimped out by her mother. Growing up in spanish harlem is not easy i will tell you that. She was also kicked around to different foster homes for 4 years.

 

She has done a complete 180 in the last year. She is a awesome mother and has become a better life partner. Since her counseling she is more talkative and talks about things she normally wouldn't with me. We began to talk about her time in N.C, and as she started to cry she dropped a bomb on me. She told me while leaving in N.C she had sex with 2 men at once. and even had a sexual relationship with women she worked with.

 

I am totally freaking out about this, and she knows something is wrong with me because I have become very quiet lately and often stay up all hours of the night to avoid laying in the same bed with her. I know it happened 3 years ago, I know when she came back I told her we can work though it. But to be honest if she would have told me that 3 years eariler I would never agree to a reconciliation. I am completely disgusted with myself. How could I marry such a person? How could I be in love with someone who would do this to herself? to her family?

 

Would I be wrong if I backed out on my end of the deal and went running for the hills? I am so confused. She has really changed so much in the past couple years. She is the wife I always wanted. She is happier now more than ever. She tells me that everyday.

 

What do I do? Help..

[utwonderwoman]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It sounds like your wife may be a sex addict. It would be helpful to you if you both attended counseling and addressed this. This link may be of some use to you: http://www.saa-recovery.org.

[FireandIce]

I know it's hard but you seem to be focusing more on the person she was instead of the person she is now. You said she has totally changed so why would you hold this against her now? She has lived up to everything you wanted when you reconciled last time and obviously wants to make it work. She's probably hurting inside as well and that's why she wanted to be totally honest with you.

 

Why don't you both go to councilling together? Get everything out and go from there.

[Salicious Crumb]

Some info about myself. Me and my wife met in high school. We dated in our senior year 13 years ago. Early in our relationship she had told me she has had sex with numerous guys. I decided to end it. The next day she tried to commit suicide. I loved her and decided to get past the idea of being with someone who slept around alot before we got together.

 

3 years ago I found out my wife was cheating on me. I was work overnight as a second job and found out she was meeting men online and meeting them for sex at all hours of the night. I was devastated. She left me. She abandoned me and our 3 children to move to another state with relatives she had not seen in 20 years.

 

Being gone for 5 months or so she called me on father's day asking for a reconciliation.

 

Oh no she didn't!!! Dude...don't dissappoint here....don't let that whore back in your house. She'll do this again...I mean come on...meeting men online for sex?....abandoning you and more importantly your children so she can go be the heathen that she is?

 

She is out of your house...the hard part is over....keep it that way and keep her away.

 

 

I had tried my best to be both parents to my children. I quit 1 job and quit my part time education and decided to just keep the one job. Her life went to hell. she lost her job and had a falling with her relatives.

 

And THAT is why she wants to reconcile...not because she loves you.

 

She wants to reconcile because you are security to her.....tough shi!t...let her make her own way now.

 

 

She moved back home several weeks later.

 

aye yi yi

 

Second was to obtain employeement. She was a stay at home mom for years because one of our sons was born with mental retardation. Third was for her to seek counselling. Find out why she did what she did.

 

Why does it matter why she did what she did? I'd be afraid she has AIDS.

 

I live in fear she will cheat again one day.

 

Your fears are not unfounded. She WILL cheat again.

 

In my wifes defense I will say she comes from a broken home. Her younger sister killed thier mother, then the younger sister died herself to drug OD. Her father is non existant and her only remaining sister is worse off then she is. Her sister used to basically be pimped out by her mother. Growing up in spanish harlem is not easy i will tell you that. She was also kicked around to different foster homes for 4 years.

 

And now you inherited a lifetime of heartache and uncertainty because of her past? Its sad that she had a broken home...but its no excuse for what she did.

 

She has done a complete 180 in the last year. She is a awesome mother and has become a better life partner. Since her counseling she is more talkative and talks about things she normally wouldn't with me. We began to talk about her time in N.C, and as she started to cry she dropped a bomb on me. She told me while leaving in N.C she had sex with 2 men at once. and even had a sexual relationship with women she worked with.

 

And you think she is going to give that up? She wants sex with more than just you. She gets off on having sex with new people...that isn't going to change.

 

I am totally freaking out about this, and she knows something is wrong with me because I have become very quiet lately and often stay up all hours of the night to avoid laying in the same bed with her. I know it happened 3 years ago, I know when she came back I told her we can work though it. But to be honest if she would have told me that 3 years eariler I would never agree to a reconciliation. I am completely disgusted with myself.

 

don't be disgusted with yourself...you did nothing wrong but try to do what you think was right for your family.

 

Be disgusted with her...and really...she doesn't deserve a 2nd chance or have custody of her children....she abandoned them so she could pursue her heathenistic lifestyle of wild sex, 3 somes..etc..etc.

 

How could I marry such a person? How could I be in love with someone who would do this to herself? to her family?

 

Any of us that have been betrayed wonder the same thing. You are not alone...some of us see it coming and some of us it comes as a total shock when it happens.

 

Would I be wrong if I backed out on my end of the deal and went running for the hills?

 

No....you wouldn't be wrong. She backed out of the deal called marriage and the deal of being a mother when she did what she did. She cheated on you and your children, and abandoned her kids.

 

She only wanted to reconcile because you are security to her.

 

Do you really think she doesn't want to go out and get pounded by strange men...2 men...3 men again? the only reason she is walking the straight and narrow is so she doesn't lose her home.

 

She has really changed so much in the past couple years. She is the wife I always wanted. She is happier now more than ever. She tells me that everyday.

 

are you sure she isn't telling you what you want to hear so you let your guard down and because she has nowhere else to go?

 

 

What do I do? Help..

 

Your in a tough spot man...I cannot tell you what you should do. I am still in my marriage and mainly for my kids sake...but my wife did nothing like what your wife did.

 

But I guarantee you...if my wife did what yours did...I'd throw her out on the street, and it would be all too easy to gain custody after her abanonment of her kids and quest for sex.

 

I dunno man...I think she is playing with you...for the simple fact she only came back to you after her family disowned her and she couldn't hold a job. Otherwise she'd still be happy to f#ck other people and I think she still would like that....she is just refraining from it so she has a place to sleep.

[Salicious Crumb]

I know it's hard but you seem to be focusing more on the person she was instead of the person she is now. You said she has totally changed so why would you hold this against her now?

 

She hasn't really changed...he is her meal ticket and only came back to him when she couldn't make it on her own.

[Horse]

Man... you can't fix that kind of crazy. Take your kids and run.

[FireandIce]

She hasn't really changed...he is her meal ticket and only came back to him when she couldn't make it on her own.

 

 

He said that she has totally changed in order to make their marriage work. I don't see that as her wanting him as her meal ticket. She obviously has a lot of problems that she is trying to work through but is doing it.

[Salicious Crumb]

He said that she has totally changed in order to make their marriage work..

 

Ya right....and Osama isn't a terrorist.

 

How do you go from spreading your legs for as many men as you can get, and abandoning your kids, to a sweet, faithful wife?

 

Sorry...I don't buy it...she only came back to him when she couldn't make it on her own and her family told her to shi!t and fall back in it.

[FireandIce]

Ya right....and Osama isn't a terrorist.

 

How do you go from spreading your legs for as many men as you can get, and abandoning your kids, to a sweet, faithful wife?

 

Sorry...I don't buy it...she only came back to him when she couldn't make it on her own and her family told her to shi!t and fall back in it.

 

Honestly I don't know because I've never done it but he's the one that said she's been working to change, not me. If he believes that she has changed then I don't see why something she did 3 years ago now disgusts him. Yeah, she should have told him from the start but she didn't and he has a problem with everything now so that's why I suggested councilling. He himself said she is the wife he's always wanted so why toss out everything just because he found out a few other details that he didn't know about? He knew she had an affair with multiple people so what difference does it make now that he knows the specifics? That's obviously not who she is now according to him.

 

I also don't believe she's just there for the money. It's been three years and she has totally changed her ways according to him. Unless he's Donald Trump then I highly doubt her motivation to stay for three years and try to work everything out is all due to money.

[Sup]

I suggest that you contact a Lawyer, and find out about YOUR options, ask about HER abandonment, and go for SOLE custody of the children, she JUST dropped this bomb on ya, nah, I'm sure you would've told her to hit the road if you knew. Tell your Lawyer EVERYTHING that you told us here, ask about her abandonment, he can advise you much better that we can, if you can, Divorce this woman, and make sure she gets nothing. NONE of this is your fault, don't let ANYONE else tell you otherwise!

[luvstarved]

Well I think that at this point to dump her would be inappropriate. If you took her back on conditions that she has met, then to negate all that because of something that happened THEN is pretty much a guarantee that she will go back to the sordid life she GREW UP in and fell into. You will validate the low opinion of herself that she has clearly been living with.

 

I can tell you that I had a pretty wild past too...I never abandoned my children, but despite having a very respectable professional career I did have a pretty good history with sex drugs and rock and roll.

 

I eventually grew up. My H and I are having some terrible interpersonal issues but infidelity is not one of them. For some, like me, all those wild times served to give me a very firm grasp on what is out there and what it is worth. Which in the grand vista of human experiences isn't much.

 

It sounds to me as though your W has had a God-awful childhood and adulthood as well. I don't see why her behavior is such a huge mystery. Partly we mimic adult behaviors we observed as children, partly we reject them, but they always color our adult lives. There is a huge self-loathing in her that you started to allow her to let go of. You asked for her honesty and now you want to slam her for it. Did you want her to come back so you could continue to punish yourself, to punish her, or do you want to try to move forward with this "wife you always wanted".

 

Don't get me wrong. You have no obligation to stay with someone that "disgusts" you and in fact in the long run it would not be fair of you to stay with her if you feel irrevocably that way.

 

I am just asking you to remember that she is a flawed human being with a particularly difficult past who now seems to be opening her heart to you and striving to be a better person, with your help, and succeeding at it, apparently. To me, you should feel PROUD of these changes and VERY PROUD that you have played a major role in turning someone's life around.

 

Would your abandoning her at this stage of the game be any more morally correct than her previous abandonment of you? In my mind, no.

 

Would staying with her give you an ironclad guarantee that she will not revert to her old behavior? No. Does it guarantee that she WILL revert to that behavior? Of course not. I know people will get on here and say a leopard never changes their spots, but I am living proof that they can. I can't speak for all women, but for me, it's BTDT. Even while I am struggling in a relatively sex-free marriage, I would not want any part of the old days. There was no emotional connection in all of that, not really, and it sounds like your wife is realizing the benefit of family and closeness that none of that sex could ever give her.

 

When people betray us, it does not make us fools. It makes them betrayers. You have to decide whether you can allow yourself to believe in your wife. I urge you to try.

[michelangelo]

If she were bipolar or a borderline personality and now receiving psych meds that could explain her turn around towards normality.

[Mr. Lucky]

Guest:

 

You are a good man for even considering taking her back and keeping your family together. But here is what I don't under stand - you can forgive this:

She told me she had slept with numerous men, did drugs, boozed and was even arrested for shoplifting.

but not this?

She told me while leaving in N.C she had sex with 2 men at once. and even had a sexual relationship with women she worked with.

Seems like a very arbitrary distinction. Look, your wife f*cked up, but things (by your own admission) are different. You've come a long way - do you really want give up now? You might want to talk to a counselor yourself about what you are going through. Good luck!

 

Mr. Lucky

[dropdeadlegs]

You have to live with your wife, but I'm with luvstarved and Mr. Lucky. You encouraged her to seek counseling, and she finally has. I'm pretty certain that her counselor is encouraging her to be completely honest with you in order to recover form her checkered past. I do not believe a leopard cannot change it's spots, I've known many that have.

 

With all these revelations, I think you could also benefit with some assistance in coping with all you have learned. She had a horrible childhood/background from what you have shared here. That has undoubtedly been tough to overcome. I don't know if she suffered from sex addiction, but she was certainly seeking some kind of comfort in acting out in such a manner. Either that or she was subconsciously contributing to her own self loathing and extremely low self esteem.

 

I think you could use some counseling, too, before making a final decision. Good luck in whatever avenue you choose, this isn't easy for you, either.

[Nacho23]

No idea how my Original Post had me named as a guest... oh well.

 

Its been a few days now since learning what happened in N.C in greater detail. She knows there is something wrong with me. She says I have been very distant. I chalked it up to changes at work and being pulled in too many directions at once.

 

Lots of great feedback from you all, I greatly appreciate it. Michelangelo, its funny you mentioned bi polar. My wife mentioned her therapist said she had a awful lots of characteristics of someone whom is bi polar. They will be discussing it further in the weeks to come. I do agree with luvstarved and a few others that counseling together and for me would be a good idea. In fact, When this all started 3 years ago and she left I went to therapy and continued to go for 2 years. It did a great deal for me.

 

My feelings on the matter are still in a gray area. Yes she has greatly improved, Yes our marriage is better, ten fold. But our new found "happiness" is based on a lie. When she returned from N.C. I was most concerned about her and my childrens relationship. I was glad she turned things around with them. It was 2 or 3 months into her returning that we started to really discuss us and a future if possible. She knows me very well. When I asked her to be honest with me, she purposely omitted things because she knew it would have affected my thoughts on a reconciliation. If she was honest with me there would be no "us". It really leaves me with this feeling that theres a whole lot more that transpired, but I never wish to know about. I can't even look at her now. I find myself avoiding her and staying longer hours at work. I know I can't run away, but I need some time to think and not do or say the wrong thing and turn things for the worse. I do realize the amount of work she had to do to get to were she is today and I applaud her for it. I am not easy to live with all the time.

[Sheba]

Nacho

 

Like Mr. Lucky, I have trouble understanding why you are able to tolerate some types of infidelity, but not others.

 

And, like some of the others who have responded, I feel for your wife, who sounds as if she is sincerely regretful and trying.

 

Despite that I encourage you to think only of yourself at this point. Has your tolerance level been irrevockably exceeded? If so, your efforts to reconcile yourself to your wife's actions may be wasted - you may simply be unable to reach a point where you will feel comfortable. What is more, I don't think you should feel you must keep pushing yourself to accept every affront this woman has committed.

 

She may love you and not be "using" you, and she may never cheat again. Who knows? My own crystal ball is seriously defective. I think that the question for you at the moment is whether or not you can remain satisfied in this marriage knowing what you know now? If the answer is no, get to work figuring out how to conclude the relationship in a manner that will cause the least possible harm to your children. Move on with your life.

 

Good luck.

[Sup]

Nacho, Eventually you're gonna have to get this off your chest, and tell her what's going on, everything that you told us, I suggest that you do that at counseling with her, I know you feel cheated out, like how she got to mess around, but, you had to remain faithful, etc. Maybe you can't save the marriage, but she DID Lie to you, she didn't be forthcoming about everything, that's on her, not you.

[Sup]

By always "accepting" her behavior you send her a signal, you can do anything you want, and I'll still take you back. No consiquences for her actions, no motivation for change!