Oh God, my ex has joined online dating site - :(

[Carbine]

I can't believe this. I simply cannot believe this. I'm still in shock. I feel i want to be sick. Technically, I have nothing to be in shock about, but technicalities mean F*** ALL to me right now.

 

I've discussed the relationship with my now ex-boyfriend on here, and the traumatic break-up instigated by him that ended things between us. But I haven't posted much on my situation recently but in a nutshell, things aren't getting any better. In fact, they're getting worse. It's been three, maybe four months now and he won't take me back, he just wants to be friends. I've tried to improve the things about me that he couldn't tolerate i.e. I try my best not to let my jealousy towards other girls show when I'm around him and I also try not to act 'unhappy' about my life. Yet he still says that I've burned all my bridges and that he doesn't want to ever get back together with me. That he wants to date other people, to find someone he's happy with. I said to him "when you do get together with someone, even if you just kiss some random girl, please let me know" and he promised he would. As far as I know, he's tried to pick up a girl here and there but never got anywhere, however I still can't control my jealousy/anger/sadness when he tells me this.

 

Last night I snooped - don't lecture me ok? - into his email which he doesn't know I have the password to. There was an email in there confirming his registration on a well-known dating site. I think I must've stared at the screen for about 10 minutes, feeling the shock and dispair set in. When I'd stopped shaking I fumbled my way on to the site and searched for his profile. I think I read it about a million times over, trying to tell myself that I was dreaming or something but no, it's there in black and white. His profile is very descriptive. It says that he's looking for the perfect woman and jokes that he won't accept anything less. He wants someone who's attractive, confident, successful and motivated. Someone who's body type is 'slim' or 'average' (f*** him, I was never slim or average ) . The profile also says that he's looking for a 'long term' or 'short term' relationship (I don't know if he's actually looking for a relationship, or sex, or both). His profile is very honest, he hasn't lied about himself. I logged on there again today and he's put a picture of himself on there. I checked the message history and there's no record of any chats, messages ingoing or outgoing. Yet

 

I don't know what to do...help me please. I feel so hurt and used. I didn't think he'd really go out and start actively looking for a new girlfriend. Joining the dating site is different to occasionally trying to hit on some chick in a pub when he's drunk. God HELP ME he's moved on, he doesn't want me. I can't deal with this. I don't want some other girl to even be in the same room as him let alone date or/and have sex with him. Why doesn't he want to be with ME???? I don't know whether i'm more worried about him dating someone he meets on there or just having sex/one-nighters. Although its a fairly classy site compared to some that I've seen (no nude/semi-nude pics allowed etc) I still don't trust the women on those things - they say that they want relationships but I suspect many of them are on there just for sex.

 

I don't know what to do. I HAVE to do something. I know deep down that I'm not going to be able to just sit here and let some girl snap him up. I just can't. I can't even think straight at the moment I'm so worried and hurt and enraged by the whole thing. I cried my eyes out driving to work today, burst into tears on my breaks, cried more when I was actually working, cried the whole drive home. Nearly ended up plastered to the front of a mack truck coz i couldn't see through the tears and haze of goddamn exhaustion clouding my vision. I didn't even care, I don't give a rat's a** about anything anymore, I can't face life without him.

 

What do I do? Help me, guys, PLEASE help me. If you're going to tell me to 'just get over it' or to 'let him do what he wants' then I'd rather not hear it, I'm simply NOT in a frame of mind to take that sort of advice - and i doubt I ever will be. What am I going to do? Do I just sit and observe for a bit? Confess to him that I know about his profile? Play the dodgy card and do something underhanded like joining the site myself and communicating to him under a false ID? S**T, my mind's a blank.

 

Help me

[luvtoto]

Let the man be. Whatever you do now, will just drive him away even more.

 

It sounds as though he has been "overly" honest with you to try to get through to you. But, for whatever reasons, you still haven't 'got it' yet.

 

That is dangerous.

 

I would suggest counseling to overcome your jealousy issues. That is the only thing you should be concentrating on right now. Yourself and your well-being.

[littlepiggy1]

The reality is you do need to "get over it", although that is certainly not as simple as it sounds.

 

First, it WILL GET BETTER. It hurts like hell right now, but you CAN do this. It takes time and pain, but the pain will gradually become less and less. But even though you may not be able to fully convince yourself, you have to know that it WILL GET BETTER.

 

To start, you need to break contact. The fact that you want him and he doesn't want you means you are not going to be together and certainly not be able to be friends. It's an unfortunate reality, but it's the way things are. That means no email, no phone calls, no IM, no nothing. Don't contact him, and don't contact him back if he contacts you (except to tell him not to contact you; hell, tell him to f**k off if you have to).

 

Second, don't snoop. Don't make a fake profile. Don't log into his email account. NONE of those things are going to help you, they are just going to hurt. Yes, you might have an utter maddening desire to know everything he up to, but in the short run such actions are only going to hurt you further and delay the healing process.

 

I would recommend emailing him to tell him you know his email password and advise him to change it. And that's the ONLY reason I would email him at this point. This way you won't be able to monitor his email (which is likely illegal) no matter how tempted you are. Again, nothing good can come of that.

 

Third, talk to people you know. It helps to vent and get that emotional support from our friends. It also will help mitigate your desire to call him. If you have a best friend that you can talk to, anytime you feel the urge to contact him, contact them instead. If you don't have friends you can talk to, then look into some sort of grief support line or personal counseling.

 

Fouth, cry as much as you need to. It's part of the healing process. But whatever you do, please don't do so in traffic. Again, it WILL GET BETTER no matter what you are feeling now.

 

Fifth, get rid of anything that reminds you of him. You don't have to necessarily throw it out, but put it in a box out of sight out of mind. Any pictures, jewelry, presents, etc. If you can't do it yourself, then get a friend to help you. Again, this is part of the process required to begin the healing.

 

Sixth, try to distract yourself from this by going out and doing other things. Take up a new hobby, sign up for a class, go out and socialize with friends (although not anywhere you might run into him again). Do whatever you can to keep your mind from fixating on it.

 

Take it one day at a time. If you feel the maddening desire to do things like snoop, contact him, make a fake profile, whatever, PUT IT OFF. Tell yourself, "I'll do it tomorrow.". Then when tomorrow comes, repeat the same thing. It's not going to help you at all, so just delay it. Go for a walk, drive, call a friend, do anything you can to distract yourself from doing that which will make things worse for yourself. Over time it will get easier to avoid such things and you'll be glad you didn't give in at the time.

[LakesideDream]

Carbine, put yourself in his shoes. If he was a "dumped" male who couldn't cope with being a "dumpee" and used stolen email passwords, went to dating sites snooping, generally interfered with his ex's life in as many ways as he could, he would be branded by the dumpor, and the LS community as a stalker!

 

You need to take a maturity pill. Stop using the email password you stole, (or inform him you have it, so he can change it), stop monitoring his activities and begin to rebuild your own emotional life.

 

You are dangerously close to being out of control. In some places your actions (using stolen email passwords to get info on dating sites etc.) is a Idendity theft felony! You could find yourself in legal hassles for your actions.

 

Give it up, act your age and begin moving on. For you..

[BeachBlonde]

I'm sorry to hear this. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. However, I know you don't want to hear this, but you NEED to move on. I know it's easier said than done, trust me---I used to get angry every time I heard that phrase, because I thought nobody knew the hurt I felt. But we've all been through it at some point or another. You said yourself that he flat out told you that he doesn't want you back, and he will never take you back---I know you're hurt but he WANTS you to move on.

 

You mentioned that you have him tell you when he hooks up with another girl, and then you feel jealous, sad, and angry after. Why would you do that if it's just going to make you hurt? It's really just making you feel 100 times worse and preventing you from moving on. Honestly you are going to go down a down-spiral and obsessive path if you keep doing what you're doing, especially the breaking into his e-mail account. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you don't really have a right to be mad that he joined a dating site---he told you himself that he's moving on and looking for someone else.

 

I wish I had other advice for you, but he's not leading you on or giving you mixed signals, so this is something that you must fix yourself to help yourself move on. I agree with the OP that you might want to start counseling for your jealousy issues, or even just to talk about the break-up itself---it might help you a lot. Good luck, and again I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Guest]

I know what you're going through, you feel sick, you can't believe it's true, this must be a mistake and you're thinking their is something you can do to change this.

 

It is hard for you that you know his email password, as much as you may feel that is your last link to him, it will only prolong your healing.

 

Can you let him know that you have it, and if he can change it?

Also, can you let him know to change all his passwords?

You will feel like a fish gasping for water, this password stuff is your last link to him, but it will be a dark path for you, and very painful to keep checking on him.

 

Please, I have been there, find a good counsellor and start from there. You need to talk about this with a professional, don't wait.

 

You have a hard road of healing ahead of you, and checking his email isn't the answer. I know this is not what you want to hear.

 

Join a chat forum where you can commiserate with other people who are going through break ups, so you don't feel alone.

 

And send him that email requesting he change ALL his passwords, or this will get very very bad. Good luck, you can do it.

[mental_traveller]

Sounds like you are in serious denial. The relationship has been over for months - instead of practically stalking him online (you have no right to break into his email), you should be trying to get back your sanity by hanging out with friends, focusing on work & hobbies, and doing some dating yourself. In other words, act like a normal well-adjusted adult instead of emulating some crazed bunny-boiler.

 

What he does, who he dates, and who he sleeps with are no longer any of your business. It's time to move on and get your life back in order.

[District]

awww... i know it really hurts right now and its probably still going to hurt for another 3 months? 4 months? another year? its up to you to move on with your life and believe in yourself.

 

have you went back and read your post?? (i'm not trying to sound mean or anything) but you sound like a pyscho! do NOT make a fake profile to try to contact him... why are you trying to fool him? he's not your property and once he finds out about what you've done youre going to feel like a fool.

 

i found out that my boyfriend at the time (he's my ex now) had a myspace page. so i signed up for one too. then i found out that HIS ex was on myspace also. i was really curious as to what she looked like, if she had hot hair, if she was skinny, if she had preatty skin, if she could dress...ect (basically i was pyscho too). so i started reading all her blogs, saw all of her pictures, and it only hurt me more. then she private posted her blogs so outsiders couldnt read it, so i created a fake account just to talk his ex. its quite pathetic. i think i did it because i wanted to know if they still kept in touch...ect. i wanted to know if she missed him and what not. but now i look back... it was so not worth the time and effort.

[jkitz2006]

well honestly how were you with this guy?

not all relationships last forever. and i know you know that, and you dont need me tell you something you already know. you are inlove with this guy and that is what i comes down to. and going onto his sites, first of all is wrong and you shouldnt be doing it, and secondly looking at these sites that he is on is making it harder for you. you need to stop talking to him completely lose contact completely. that is what i did with my ex boyfriend, we go back together. and now we are getting engaged. i was never over him. i never fell out of love with him. but it made it easier to cope with my life. i didnt cry EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and try to make people feel bad for me. and my life didnt seem so miserable. i cried every now and then, but i realized he broke up with me for a reason, he doesnt want to be with me, so why talk to him. and be in contact with him and try to make him get back together with me if thats not what he wants. i was just being a pain in the ass to him. so it will be easier on you, it will be hard at first. but in the end it will be worth it.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, you can't make him love you back. He has chosen to move on, his words and his actions show you this. You have no choice but to pick yourself up and move on. If you don't, you're gonna be miserable for a long long time...And be very jealous, bitter and lonely.

 

It was wrong of you to snoop in his email! You are not part of his life anymore, so breaking into his account and reading what he has in there is not your business. Now that you know, what you saw has hurt you. You know the truth - What are you going to do about it? How are you going to let go and move on?

 

If you need help, seek therapy, because you hanging on to a man who doesn't love you or want you in his life is doing damage to YOU.

[AFarAwayPlace]

Carbine, I think you may be experiencing "love addiction" or "obsession". I think you should read some articles on the topic and seek help. I am sorry you're hurting, and I hope for the best for you.

 

Can start here: http://www.enotalone.com/article/2499.html

[Sal Paradise]

As others have rightly pointed out, you need professional help. You sound like a crazy, psycho, stalker. Like a craze scorned lover you might see in a Lifetime Movie.

 

You guys are no longer together. He doesn't owe you anything. You don't have any rights to him. Who he spends with time with and what he does when he is with them is none of your damn business. You need to let go and move on with your life and stop this unhealthy obsession before you either hurt someone, hurt yourself or end up locked up.

 

You want to know why he doesn't want to be with you? Read your post and that will tell ya.

[whichwayisup]

It's been three, maybe four months now and he won't take me back, he just wants to be friends. I've tried to improve the things about me that he couldn't tolerate i.e. I try my best not to let my jealousy towards other girls show when I'm around him and I also try not to act 'unhappy' about my life. Yet he still says that I've burned all my bridges and that he doesn't want to ever get back together with me. That he wants to date other people, to find someone he's happy with. I said to him "when you do get together with someone, even if you just kiss some random girl, please let me know" and he promised he would. As far as I know, he's tried to pick up a girl here and there but never got anywhere, however I still can't control my jealousy/anger/sadness when he tells me this.

 

WHY????? WHY do you want to know if he's with other girls, kissing them, or even having sex with them? It isn't your business what he does anymore, you are not his girlfriend. He owes you NO justification of his actions and asking that of him is a death sentence for you!

 

Him telling you about his private life is gonna set you off and due to your mental state, that's quite a dangerous combo. He's an IDIOT for telling you!

 

Please, talk to your parents, your friends, and most of all, see a therapist.